Stu: Did you really call the police?
Sidney Prescott: You bet your sorry ass I did.
Stu: [starting to cry] My mom and dad are gonna be so mad at me!
Sidney Prescott: You sick fucks. You've seen one too many movies!
Billy: Now Sid, don't you blame the movies. Movies don't create psychos. Movies make psychos more creative!
Tatum: No, please don't kill me, Mr. Ghostface, I wanna be in the sequel!
Stu: Oh, shit.
Billy: [They go into the kitchen to find Sidney and Mr. Prescott gone] Where are they? Where are they?
Stu: I don't know, Billy, but I'm hurtin', man!
[the phone rings]
Stu: Should I let the machine get it?
Billy: [answers it] Hello?
Sidney Prescott: Are you alone in the house?
Billy: Bitch! You bitch, where the fuck are you?
Sidney Prescott: Not so fast, we're going to play a little game. It's called: Guess who just called the police and reported your sorry motherfucking ass!
[Stu is slowly collapsing to the floor]
Billy: Find her, you dipshit! Get up!
Stu: I can't, Billy. You already cut me too deep. I think I'm dying here, man!
[Billy gives Stu the phone]
Billy: [whispers] Talk to her. Talk to her.
Sidney Prescott: Ah, Stu, Stu, Stu... What's your motive? Billy's got one. The police are on their way. What are you going to tell them?
Stu: Peer pressure. I'm far too sensitive.
[Billy takes the phone back]
Billy: I'm going to rip you up, bitch, just like your fucking mother!
Sidney Prescott: You've gotta find me first, you pansy-ass momma's boy!
[He accidentally hits Stu with the phone]
Stu: Ow! You fuckin' hit me with the phone, dick!
Randy: There are certain RULES that one must abide by in order to successfully survive a horror movie. For instance, number one: you can never have sex.
Randy: BIG NO NO! BIG NO NO! Sex equals death, okay? Number two: you can never drink or do drugs.
[crowd cheers and raises their bottles]
Randy: The sin factor! It's a sin. It's an extension of number one. And number three: never, ever, ever under any circumstances say, "I'll be right back." Because you won't be back.
Stu: I'm gettin' another beer, you want one?
Randy: Yeah, sure.
Stu: I'll be right back.
Randy: See, you push the laws and you end up dead. Okay, I'll see you in the kitchen with a knife.
Phone Voice: Do you like scary movies?
Sidney Prescott: What's the point? They're all the same. Some stupid killer stalking some big-breasted girl who can't act who is always running up the stairs when she should be running out the front door. It's insulting.
Casey: Listen, asshole...
Phone Voice: [interrupting] No, *you* listen to me you little bitch! You hang up on me again and I'll gut you like a fish!
Billy: [licks "blood" from his fingers] Mmmm... corn syrup. Same stuff they used for pig's blood in "Carrie."
Randy: [Gale, Sid and Randy are looking at Billy's body] Careful. This is the moment when the supposedly dead killer comes back to life, for one last scare.
[Billy starts to rise]
Sidney Prescott: [shoots Billy] Not in my movie.
Sidney Prescott: [when Randy reveals that he's still alive] Oh, my God. Randy I thought you were dead.
Randy: I probably should be. I never thought I'd be so happy to be a virgin.
Casey: Who's there?
Ghostface: Never say "who's there?" Don't you watch scary movies? It's a death wish. You might as well come out to investigate a strange noise or something.
Billy: [quoting Norman Bates] We all go a little mad sometimes.
Phone Voice: Name the killer in Friday the 13th.
Casey: Jason! Jason! Jason!
Phone Voice: I'm sorry. That's the wrong answer!
Casey: No, it's not. No it's not. It was Jason.
Phone Voice: Afraid not. No way.
Casey: Listen, it was Jason! I saw that movie 20 goddamn times!
Phone Voice: Then you should know that Jason's mother, Mrs. Voorhees was the original killer. Jason didn't show up until the sequel. I'm afraid that was a wrong answer.
Casey: [Weeping] You tricked me.
Phone Voice: Lucky for you there's a bonus round, but poor Steve... I'm afraid he's OUT!
Gale: Look, Kenny, I know you're about fifty pounds overweight, but when I say hurry, please interpret that as, MOVE YOUR FAT TUB OF LARD ASS, NOW!
Randy: The police are always off track with this shit! If they'd watch Prom Night, they'd save time! There's a formula to it. A very simple formula!
[yelling in video store]
Randy: EVERYBODY'S A SUSPECT!
Stu: I wanna see breasts. I wanna see Jamie Lee's breasts. When do we see Jamie Lee's breasts?
Randy: Breasts? Not until "Trading Places" in 1983. Jamie Lee was always a virgin in horror movies. She didn't show her tits 'til she went legits.
Cheerleader in Bathroom: She was never attacked. I think she made it all up.
Girl in Bathroom: Why would she lie about it?
Cheerleader in Bathroom: For attention. The girl has some serious issues. What if she did it? What if Sidney killed Casey and Steve?
Girl in Bathroom: Why would she do that?
Cheerleader in Bathroom: Maybe she had the hots for Steve and killed them both in a jealous rage.
Girl in Bathroom: What would Sidney want with Steve? She's got her own bubble-butt boyfriend, Billy.
Cheerleader in Bathroom: Maybe she's a slut, just like her mother.
Girl in Bathroom: Cut some slack. She watched her mom get butchered.
Cheerleader in Bathroom: And it fucked her up royally. Think about it, her mother's death leaves her disturbed and hostile in a cruel and inhumane world. She's delusional. "Where's God," etc. Completely suicidal. One day she snaps. She wants to kill herself but she realizes out that teen suicide is out this year and homicide is a much healthier, therapeutic expression.
Girl in Bathroom: Where do you get this shit?
Cheerleader in Bathroom: Ricky Lake.
Girl in Bathroom: You are pathetic.
[They leave the bathroom]
Randy: If you were the only suspect in a senseless bloodbath - would you be standing in the horror section?
Sidney Prescott: Why? Why did you kill my mother?
Billy: Why? WHY! You hear that, Stu? I think she wants a motive.
Billy: Well, I don't really believe in motives, Sid. I mean did Norman Bates have a motive?
Billy: Did we ever find out why Hannibal Lecter like to eat people? DON'T THINK SO! See, it's a lot more scarier when there's no motive, Sid. We did your Mom a favour, Sid. That woman was a slut-bag whore who flashed her shit all over town like she was Sharon Stone or somethin'.
Stu: Yeah, we put her out of her misery, 'cause let's face Sidney, your mother was no Sharon Stone, hmm?
Billy: Is that motive enough for you? How about this? Your slut mother was fucking my father, and she's the reason my mom moved out and abandoned me.
[Sid looks astonished]
Billy: How's that for a motive? Maternal abandonment causes serious deviant behavior. It certainly fucked you up. It made you have sex with a psychopath.
Stu: That's right. You gave it up. Now, you're no longer a virgin. You're not a virgin. Now you got to die. Those are the rules.
Billy: So, this game is like a scary movie, Sid. How do you think it's going to end?
Stu: Oh, this is the greatest fun. You're going to love this. We got a surprise for you, Sidney. Yeah, you're going to love this one. It's a scream, baby. Hold a second, be right back.
Gale: If I'm right about this, I could save a man's life. Do you know what that would do for my book sales?
Sidney Prescott: But this is life. This isn't a movie.
Billy: Sure it is, Sid. It's all a movie. It's all one great big movie.
Billy: . Only you can pick your genre.
Principal Himbry: So, two of your fellow students, just savagely murdered, and this is the way that you show your compassion and sensitivity, huh? Let me tell you something...
Principal Himbry: You're both expelled. Get out!
Expelled Teen #1: Aw, come on, Mr. Himbry. It was just a joke!
Expelled Teen #2: That is not fair!
Principal Himbry: You're absolutely right. It is not fair. Fairness would be to rip your insides out and hang you from a tree so we can expose you for the heartless, desensitized little shits that you are!
Gale: Guess I remembered the safety that time, bastard.
Gale Weather: [as Kenny's dead body lies over the windshield] Oh, God, Kenny. I'm sorry, but get off my fucking windshield!
Tatum: "I'll send you a copy." BAM! Bitch went down. "I'll send you a copy." BAM! Sid! Superbitch!
Sidney Prescott: How do you - gut someone?
Stu: You take a knife and you slit 'em from groin to sternum.
Billy: Hey. It's called tact, you fuck-rag.
Gale: Okay I think it's going to go something like this, just stay with me. Hi, this is Gale Weathers with an exclusive eyewitness account of this amazing breaking story. Several more local teens are dead, bringing to an end the harrowing mystery of the masked killings that has terrified this peaceful community like the plot of some scary movie. It all began with the scream of a 911, and ended in a bloodbath that has rocked the town of Woodsboro. All played out here in this peaceful farmhouse, far from the crimes and the sirens of the larger cities that its residents have fled. Okay, let's take it back to one. Come on, move it! This is my big shot. Let's go.
Billy: [killer's Voice] What's the matter Sidney? You look like you've seen a ghost.
Randy: Now that Billy tried to mutilate her, do you think Sid would go out with me?
Stu: I will totally protect you. Yo, I am so buff, I got you covered, girl.
Randy: There's always some stupid bullshit reason to kill your girlfriend. That's the beauty of it all! Simplicity! Besides, if it gets too complicated, you lose your target audience.
Stu: Because there's no way a girl could have killed them.
Tatum: That is so sexist. The killer could easily be female. Basic Instinct.
Randy: That was an ice pick. Not exactly the same thing.
Stu: Yeah, Casey and Steve were completely hollowed out. Takes a man to do something like that.
Tatum: Or a man's mentality.
Sidney Prescott: Why are you doing this?
Billy: It's all part of the game, Sidneeeee!
[raises machine to mouth and shouts]
Billy: It's called GUESS HOW I'M GONNA DIE!
Sidney Prescott: Fuck you!
Billy: We've already played that game. Remember? You lost.
Phone Voice: You still haven't told me your name.
Casey: [smiling] Why do you want to know my name?
Phone Voice: Because I want to know who I'm looking at.
Casey: [looks around, frightened] ... What did you say?
Phone Voice: [short pause] I said I want to know who I'm talking to.
Casey: That's not what you said.
Phone Voice: [serious tone] What do you think I said?
Casey: [Talking on the phone to Ghostface] What do you want?
Ghostface: To see what your insides look like.
[Billy and Stu are looking for the gun]
Billy: Where the fuck is it?
Gale: [off camera] Right here, asshole.
Billy: I thought she was dead.
Stu: She looked dead, man. Still does.
Reporter: Sidney, how does it feel to be almost brutally butchered? People want to know. They have a right to know! How does it feel?
Casey: Look, I am two seconds away from calling the police!
Phone Voice: They'll never make it in time.
Gale: Looks like we've got a serial killer on our hands!
Deputy Dwight "Dewey" Riley: Well, a "serial killer" is not really accurate. Gotta knock off a couple more to get that title.
Gale: Well, we can hope, can't we? I mean, we certainly don't have any leads. Have you located Sidney's father yet?
Deputy Dwight "Dewey" Riley: No, not yet.
Gale: Well, he's not a suspect, is he?
Deputy Dwight "Dewey" Riley: We haven't ruled him out as a possibility.
[He becomes aware that he is gazing too long at her eyes]
Deputy Dwight "Dewey" Riley: If you'll excuse me.
[Dewey turns away, but Gale pursues and grabs his arm]
Gale: I'm sorry, am I keeping you?
Deputy Dwight "Dewey" Riley: [Turning back to her, he removes his hat] If I may say so, Miss Weathers, you are much prettier in person.
[He gives her a flirty smile and turns away again to run up the school steps]
Gale: [delighted] So you do watch the show!
[Dewey stops and turns back]
Deputy Dwight "Dewey" Riley: I'm 25. I was 24 for a whole year.
Phone Voice: Hello.
Phone Voice: Who is this?
Casey: Who are you trying to reach?
Phone Voice: What number is this?
Casey: Well, what number are you trying to reach?
Phone Voice: I don't know.
Casey: I think you have the wrong number.
Phone Voice: Do I?
Casey: It happens. Take it easy.
Stu: I didn't kill anybody.
Billy: Nobody said you did.
Stu: Thanks, buddy!
Randy: Besides... "Takes a MAN to do something like that!"
Stu: I ought to gut your ass in a second, kid.
Randy: [using Jerry Lewis' voice] Tell me something. Did you really put her liver in the mailbox? Because I heard they found her liver in the mailbox next to her spleen and her pancreas.
Ghostface: Wait, I thought we were going to go out.
Casey: [uneasily, starting to feel nervous] Um, I don't think so.
Ghostface: [in a warning tone] Don't hang up on me.
Casey: [she hangs up. The phone rings again] Yes?
Ghostface: [in an ominous, taunting threatening tone] I told you not to hang up on me.
Casey: What do you want?
Sidney Prescott: Why can't I be a Meg Ryan movie? Or even a good porno.
Tatum: [about Casey Becker's death] It's so sad. Her mom and dad found her hanging from a tree limb, her insides on the outside.
Stu: I always had a thing for ya, Sid!
[She bites his hand and he screams]
Stu: Ohhhhh, God! Bitch!
Sidney Prescott: In your dreams!
[She shoves the television at him]
[Gale runs across the school campus to Dewey]
Gale: Is there a problem on campus?
Deputy Dwight "Dewey" Riley: No. Everything's under control.
Gale: [seductively] Well, of course. You're here.
Deputy Dwight "Dewey" Riley: You're not supposed to be here.
Gale: I know. I should be in New York covering the Sharon Stone stalker, but who knew?
Gale: You look awfully young to be a police officer.
Deputy Dwight "Dewey" Riley: I'm 25 years old.
Gale: You know, in a demographic study, I proved to be most popular amongst males 11 to 24. I guess I just missed you.
Gale: Of course, you don't look a day over 12. Except in that...
[She looks him up and down, admiringly]
Gale: ... upper torso area. Does the force require you to work out?
Deputy Dwight "Dewey" Riley: [Charmed, despite his common sense:] No, ma'am. 'Cause of my boyish good looks, muscle mass has increased my acceptance as a serious police officer.
[They smile at each other]
Phone Voice: Why don't you wanna talk to me?
Casey: Who is this?
Phone Voice: You tell me your name, I'll tell you mine.
Casey: I don't think so.
Phone Voice: What's that noise?
Phone Voice: You're making popcorn?
Casey: Uh huh.
Phone Voice: I only eat popcorn at the movies.
Casey: Well, I'm getting ready to watch a video.
Phone Voice: Really, what?
Casey: Oh, just some scary movie.
Phone Voice: Do you like scary movies?
Casey: Uh huh.
Phone Voice: What's your favourite scary movie?
Casey: I dunno.
Phone Voice: You have to have a favourite, what comes to mind?
Gale: There she is! Sidney, hi, what happened? Are you alright?
Tatum: She's not answering any questions alright. Just leave us alone.
Sidney Prescott: No, no Tatum it's OK. She's just doing her job, right Gale?
Gale: That's right.
Sidney Prescott: So how's the book?
Gale: Oh it'll be out later this year.
Sidney Prescott: Oh, I'll look for it.
Gale: I'll send you a copy.
[Sidney turns around a punches Gale in the face]
Gale: People treat me like I'm the anti-Christ of television journalism.
Tatum: Well, you're not going to be alone any more, right? If you pee, I pee. Is that clear?
Randy: Listen up. They found Principal Himbry dead. He was gutted and hung from the goal post on the football field.
Drunk teen: Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go over there before they pry him down!
Billy: It's called subtlety, Stu. You should look it up.
Tatum: Hey Sid, just think - if they make a movie about you, who's gonna play you?
Deputy Dwight "Dewey" Riley: I shudder to think.
Sidney Prescott: I see you as a young Meg Ryan, myself.
Deputy Dwight "Dewey" Riley: Thanks, Dewey, but with my luck I'd get Tori Spelling.
Billy: What do I have to do to prove to you that I'm not a killer?
Principal Himbry: [looks out door] Damn little shits.
Fred the Janitor: What'd you call me? Huh?
Principal Himbry: Not you Fred.
Fred the Janitor: You prick!
Sidney Prescott: Can you see me right now?
Sidney Prescott: Ah, okay.
[puts a finger in her nose]
Sidney Prescott: What am I doing? Huh? Huh? What am I doing? Hello?
[takes finger out]
Sidney Prescott: Nice try, Randy. Tell Tatum to hurry up, okay? Bye now.
Ghostface: IF YOU HANG UP ON ME, YOU'LL DIE JUST LIKE YOUR MOTHER! Do you want to die, Sidney? Your mother sure didn't.
Sidney Prescott: Fuck you, you cretin!
[a student dressed as the Ghostface killer is running down the halls screaming]
Sidney Prescott: Why are they doing this?
Stu: Look at this place, it's like Christmas!
Tatum: [to Stu] Stupidity leak!
Principal Himbry: You make me so sick. Your entire havoc-inducing, thieving, whoring generation disgusts me.
Sidney Prescott: You know, if, if I was wrong about Cotton Weary, then the killer's still out there.
Tatum: Don't go there, Sid. You're starting to sound like some Wes Carpenter flick or something. Don't freak yourself out, okay? We've got a long night ahead of us.