One Fine Day (1996)
Melanie: I only wanted to warn you that Sammy can get into trouble faster than you can make most women smile.
Melanie: Look, I just called...
Jack Taylor: You just called to check up on me, because you don't really trust me... Sammy, no! Put the gun down!
Jack Taylor: ...and you only asked me to watch Sammy out of sheer desperation. Part of you would feel safer leaving Sammy at the 9th Street Drop-in Center, *with* LSD, isn't that true?
Melanie: No, that is not true. I just called to warn you that Sammy can get in trouble faster than you can make most women smile. Just be careful, okay?
Jack Taylor: I won't let him out of my sight... hey, Sammy! Guns aren't toys!
Jack Taylor: It's not loaded.
[Melanie dials her cell phone]
Jack Taylor: Hello?
Melanie: Hi, it's me.
Jack Taylor: Me who?
Melanie: You have the kids?
Jack Taylor: What kids?
Melanie: [stands, alarmed] You didn't pick up the kids?
[Sammy and Maggie both yell "Hi" into the phone along with Jack]
Jack Taylor: Oh, you mean those kids.
Jack Taylor: Maggie, when you grow up and are incredibly beautiful and intelligent and possess a certain sweetness that's... that's like a distant promise to the brave, to the worthy, could you please not beat to a pulp every miserable bastard that comes your way simply because you can? Could you not do that?
Maggie Taylor: Okay Daddy.
Jack: What would you do if I kissed you right now?
Melanie: You wouldn't kiss me.
Jack: But what would you do if i did?
Melanie: Do you wanna kiss me right now?
Jack: I wouldn't've mentioned it if didn't.
Melanie: I forgot to tell you that Sammy is allergic to shellfish and dander. And also, he's not allowed to watch commercial TV. And no matter what he says, he has to hold your hand when he crosses the street. Oh, and also, if you go to the playground, I'd like you to check the sandbox first, because you never know what people throw in there. And, also... OK. Bye.
Melanie Parker: Let's do this right. Let me freshen up so I'll feel a little more like a woman and less like a dead mommy.
Melanie Parker: You're the most important thing in the world.
Sammy Parker: No, I'm not. Your job is.
Maggie Taylor: I'm hungry.
Jack Taylor: Want a Tic Tac?
Maggie Taylor: No.
Jack Taylor: That's all I've got.
Jack: You know what my mother used to say to me?
Melanie: Gee, no, what?
Jack: Love your guy like a little boy and he'll grow into a man.
Melanie: So she knew back then that you were gay?
Melanie: Your Peter Pan complex is so 90s.
Jack: What Peter Pan complex?
Melanie: The one you're so proud of.
Jack: Do you have any friends?
Melanie: I don't have time for friends.
Jack: That's because of your Captain Hook complex.
Jack Taylor: You're asking me for help.
Melanie Parker: It would appear that way, wouldn't it?
Jack Taylor: I'll agree if you'll say, "Jack, please be my knight in shining armor."
Melanie Parker: Jack, don't be a shit-head. Go rescue our kids.
Jack Taylor: This is hard for you, isn't it?
Celia: You are sensitive and frightened. I am gentle and brutal. Just think about it!
Melanie: You MUST be Kristen's ex-husband?
Jack: Why do you say that?
Melanie: [pointing to Maggie] Well, that's Kristen's daughter...
Jack Taylor: I just want to find a fish who isn't afraid of my dark chocolate layer... and of course she'd have to love my cookie too.
Jack Taylor: You are like Roy Scheider at the end of Jaws, the moment I open the mouth you are gonna drop a bomb.
Marla: I didn't know you had a daughter! She looks just like you!
Jack Taylor: Yeah, well, with any luck she'll grow out of it.
Jack Taylor: This fish was a fox, and she had her own cookie too. But what a female dog. She shoved her fish in my face.
Dr. Martin: In front of the cookie?
Jack Taylor: What?
Dr. Martin: What is she doing with another fish anyways? What is she AC/DC?
Jack Taylor: What are you talking about?
Dr. Martin: Fish with other fish in front of cookies...
Jack Taylor: Fish. *Fish* fish.
Dr. Martin: Oh I see.
Jack Taylor: I'm working on a story right now.
Kristen: You're always working on a story.
Jack Taylor: Well, Yeah. It's what I do.
Kristen: It's the same old one about an every-other-weekend, good-time father, for whom responsibility is a dirty word.
Jack Taylor: Here's a hint, Kristen. During an attempted manipulation, like the one that's in progress, I would have gone with flattery.
Kristen: Why do I always have to be the grownup where you always get to be the little boy?
Jack Taylor: Because in the beginning of the relationship when we were choosing up sides, you chose grownup first.
Jack Taylor: [curtly] My attitude is derived from your attitude.
Melanie: "Derived", you must be a writer.
Melanie: [on the phone while he can hear her] If I ever act interested in another man again, would you please shoot me?
Jack Taylor: [on the phone while she can hear him] A real superwoman. Can't open her door, won't shut her mouth.
Melanie: Excuse me, are you talking about me?
Jack Taylor: The first lady. We're thinking about doing a piece on her.
Jack Taylor: [to his daughter] That's one of the advantages of being an adult. You get to act like a kid anytime you feel like it.
Oribe's Receptionist: Don't bother with the cute face. I have 5 sons. You make eyes at me like that, I make you pot roast.
Melanie: If you don't want your balls juggled, don't throw them in my face.
Melanie: Men like you have made me the woman I am.
Jack Taylor: All the women I know like you have made me think all women are like you.
Maggie Taylor: [Wizard of Oz video ending] I wonder what they're doing?
[at the beginning of the day]
Sammy Parker: My mom hates your dad.
Maggie Taylor: So? My dad hates your mom.