Memorable quotes for
The Nutty Professor (1996) More at IMDbPro »

[sitting with three beautiful women at the Ritz club]
Buddy Love: Is this the "nice-ass" section?

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Buddy Love: Oh you mean rich dummy terms? Oh okay then. Alright everybody listen up. When you go out to dinner and eat nasty greasy shit like this, now I know this may look real nice, but do you know there is a gene in your DNA that moves this straight to your fat cells, thus resulting in what this woman has what I like to call jello arm...
[shakes a fat lady's arm]
Buddy Love: ...where the arm moves in a jellatin motion. And over here this man is what we like to call turkey neck, to my immediate left this lady is suffering from what we like to call battle bag syndrome and to my extreme left, this lady is suffering from what we like to call TANK ASS!
[the woman's husband gets up]
Buddy Love: Yo not tonight man,. I'm your brother, I'm your brother. Anyway to way we can solver this is not by dieting or exercising, but by just one simple solution, giving you that figure of...
[picks a nice lady]
Buddy Love: ...gluteus minimus, or in lea terms, a perfectly tight wonderful ass. Lets give it up for the woman with the nice ass. She's worked so hard don't you agree? Have a seat have a seat. Wow, you all have nice asses on this table, is this the nice ass section?

---

Buddy Love: [to Reggie] Ok, fat jokes! You wanna do fat jokes?
[Buddy stands up]
Buddy Love: Alright!
[Buddy claps his hands once]
Buddy Love: Your mother's so fat, the bitch needs Thomas Guide to find her asshole!
[everyone in the room, except Reggie, roars with laughter]
Buddy Love: Alright! Wait, wait, wait, your mother's so fat, after sex I roll over twice, and I'm still on the bitch!
[everyone, except Reggie, laughs louder]
Buddy Love: [to Reggie] Your mother is so fat, she fell in the Grand Canyon and got stuck!
[everyone, except Reggie, laughs even louder]
Buddy Love: Reggie's mother's so fat, that the bitch gets her toenails painted at Earl Scheib!
[everyone in the room, except Reggie, loudly roars with laughter. Buddy climbs onto the stage]
Buddy Love: [walking past Reggie] Earl Scheib! At Earl Scheib!
[laughs]

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Papa Klump: [When Sherman is 'fighting' Buddy on the stage] Someone had better go and call the exorcist!

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Papa Klump: You talkin' 'bout puttin' the tubes up somebody's ass, And i can't break wind?
Mama Klump: I said nothing about puttin' holes up nobody's ass! Cletus i said...
Papa Klump: Well how do you think they clean it? You think they run their assholes by the car wash?

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Mama Klump: When the good Lord made you, He made you beautiful inside and out.

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Sherman Klump: Daddy, all I'm saying is that scientific breakthroughs are occurring all the time.
Ernie Klump: The only thing that's 'bout to break through is your ass 'bout to break through the seat of your pants.

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Mama Klump: I think I do remember hearing somethin' on TV about colon cleansin'. They say everyone should have one. I'm thinkin' about gettin' me an appointment and go down and get my colon cleansed thoroughly.
Papa Klump: You want your colon cleansed? Fine, I'm gonna clean mine!
[Farts]
Papa Klump: There, my colon is clean. My colon is squeaky clean!

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[Professor Sherman Klump grunts and groans trying to fit his obese frame into an office chair; he finally gets comfortable and sighs with relief]
Dean Richmond: Comfy?
Sherman Klump: Quite.
Dean Richmond: Anything I can get for you? Juice? Coffee? Rack of lamb?
Sherman Klump: No, sir, I'm fine.

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Cletus "Papa" Klump: You can sew up your stomach and your asshole and you will always be fat.

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Mama Klump: Cletus, the dog has ripped the garbage bag open again.
Papa Klump: Well, shoot the damn dog!
Mama Klump: I ain't shootin' no dog!
Papa Klump: I'm tryin' to watch "Roseanne."

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Mama Klump: Cletus, come clean this garbage up.
Papa Klump: Man, I'm watchin' TV!
Grandma Klump: I'll kick your lazy ass up.
Papa Klump: I told you, none of your damn business!
Grandma Klump: You lazy mother...!

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Grandma Klump: Come on Cletus! It aint nuthin' but a short walk. You might walk over, but you limpin' back! I aint no easy win, nigga!

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Reggie Warrington: Women be shoppin'! You cannot stop a woman from shoppin'!

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Grandma Jensen: Don't give me none o' dem mashed potatoes, you know mashed potatoes give me gas.

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Sherman Klump: I assure you, I will not let you down.
Dean Richmond: You won't. I know you won't. As a matter of fact, I know you're going to be perfect! Do you know how I know all these things? I know them because if you're *not* perfect, nevermind the yelling, the screaming and the firing. If anything goes wrong, for any reason
[pause]
Dean Richmond: I'm going to kill you. And I don't mean that as a euphemism, I am going to literally kill you. I'm going to strangle you and choke off your air supply until you pass away.

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Buddy Love: What's wrong with that breath? I can smell it over her Reggie, Your breath is so stinky people look forward to your farts. Do you smell shit?
[sniffs]
Buddy Love: I SMELL SHIT!

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Buddy Love: [to Carla] Are you ready to go upstairs?
[Carla slaps him]
Buddy Love: I guess not.

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Mama Klump: Hercules! Hercules! Hercules!

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Buddy Love: Who you think you talkin' to, Sherman Klump? Man, if you ever talk to me like that again, I'll kill you. And I don't mean it as euphemism, I'm gonna literally kill you. I'm gonna *strangle* you and cut off *your* air supply until *you* pass away.

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Buddy Love: Someone has to tend to Chunky Butt's sex life. Chunky Butt is extremely horny.

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Buddy Love: Tank ass!
Sherman Klump: Tinkerbell!
Buddy Love: Blubber butt!
Sherman Klump: Featherweight!

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Buddy Love: [making fun of Reggie's hair] I heard of dreadlocks, but shitlocks?

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Grandma Klump: Not tonight, Cletus. I kick yo ass.

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Grandma Klump: [starts coughing heavily]
Cletus "Papa" Klump: Everybody better cover your plate
Mama Klump: Here, momma, have some water
Grandma Klump: Whatcha talking' about cover your plate? Not tonight, Cletus, I'll kick your ass.

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Grandma Klump: I know a good church down there on Main Street, but they won't marry you if you're a lesbian.

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Buddy Love: That ain't your hair, man. Take that pile of shit off your head.

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[Sherman has bloated back into himself after being Buddy Love at the banquet]
Sherman Klump: If you give me a moment, I can explain. My research is, um... Well, when I started out, I wanted to help people. But then I became desperate and selfish. And what I did was wrong. Buddy's who I thought the whole world wanted me to be. He's who I thought I wanted to be. And sometimes when you want something so so bad, you'll do just about anything to get it. But I learned one thing from Buddy. Life isn't about being happy with how much you weigh, but just being happy with yourself. I'm terribly sorry about all of this, I hope I haven't ruined everybody's evening. Please excuse me.
[to Carla]
Sherman Klump: Sorry.

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Sherman Klump: The truth is, Carla, I'm a big man. Now I will lose weight, but I'm always gonna be big no matter what I do. So anyone I end up with is just going to have to accept me for who I am. More importantly, I'm going to have to accept *myself* for who I am.

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Professor Carla Purty: I just had to come over and introduce myself because I've been following your work for many years and I'm a big fan!
Sherman Klump: Well, thank you very much! I'm fatter, er, *flattered* that you've been following my work the way you have.

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Buddy Love: Spandex! All spandex!

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Lance: You're not pathetic! People! Pounds do not lose themselves! You have to work! Work! Work! Everybody up! Get up! You, too, at home. Everybody up and say...
[w/audience]
Lance: Yes, I can!
[alone]
Lance: Say it again.
[w/audience]
Lance: Yes, I can!
Sherman Klump: [determined] Yes, I can!
[stomps on the floor]
Sherman Klump: Yes, I can! Yes...!
Mr. Wilson: Quiet down, damn it!
Sherman Klump: Sorry 'bout that down there, Mr. Wilson!
Mr. Wilson: Klump, shut up!
Sherman Klump: [sets to work] I can!

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Buddy Love: [touches her sexually] Is that a test tube in my pocket, or am I just happy to see you?
Wellman College Alumni: [pushes away] Ugh! How dare you!
Buddy Love: Oh, you know you love it. I felt your percolating.

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