The Nutty Professor (1996)
Mama Klump: Sherman, I think I do remember hearing something on TV about colon cleansin'. They say everyone should have one. I'm thinkin' about gettin' me an appointment and go down and get my colon cleansed thoroughly.
Papa Klump: You want your colon cleansed? Fine, I'm gonna clean mine.
[lets a loud fart, and Ernie Jr. starts laughing harder and harder]
Papa Klump: There. Now my colon is clean. I'm talking squeaky clean.
Mama Klump: Every time we have a meal, you start breaking gas. Don't break gas and destroy our meal.
Papa Klump: Don't tell me to stop! You're the one that brought up colon cleansin' and all that mess!
Mama Klump: I did not say anything about breakin' gas! I said I was going to get my colon cleaned.
Papa Klump: Don't you talk about puttin' a tube up somebody's ass, but I can't break wind.
Mama Klump: I didn't say nothin' about puttin' no hose up nobody's ass. Clesius, I said -...
Papa Klump: What you think a colonic is? You think you're gonna run your asshole by the car wash?
[Ernie Jr. starts choking from eating and out of control laughter]
Mama Klump: You're chokin' the baby.
Papa Klump: As Iong as I pay the bills, I do what I want at this table. Case in point.
[lets another loud fart]
Grandma Klump: Who will call my name?
Papa Klump: Yeah, I'll call you up if your name is -...
[farts in finishing his sentence, then laughs in mockery]
Grandma Klump: Keep insulting me.
[picks up a knife]
Grandma Klump: I'll toss this between the crack of your ass.
Papa Klump: You know, I can go all night.
[lets another loud fart]
Mama Klump: I hope you fart until your asshole falls out.
[Clesius lets another fart, and then Ernie Jr. manages to follow along]
Mama Klump: Oh, my baby too!
[Clesius lets another loud fart that this time sounds wet]
Papa Klump: Oops! Now see what you made me do?
[starts running away clutching his pants]
Papa Klump: Goddamn it, I messed up my pants!
Grandma Klump: Come on, Cletus! It aint nuthin' but a short walk. You might walk over, but you limpin' back! I aint no easy win, nigga!
Sherman Klump: The truth is, Carla, I'm a big man. Now I will lose weight, but I'm always gonna be big no matter what I do. So anyone I end up with is just going to have to accept me for who I am. More importantly, I'm going to have to accept *myself* for who I am.
Mama Klump: Cletus, come clean this garbage up.
Papa Klump: Man, I'm watchin' TV!
Grandma Klump: I'll kick your lazy ass up.
Papa Klump: I told you, none of your damn business!
Grandma Klump: You lazy mother...!
Sherman Klump: I assure you, I will not let you down.
Dean Richmond: You won't. I know you won't. As a matter of fact, I know you're going to be perfect! Do you know how I know all these things? I know them because if you're *not* perfect, nevermind the yelling, the screaming and the firing. If anything goes wrong, for any reason
Dean Richmond: I'm going to kill you. And I don't mean that as a euphemism, I am going to literally kill you. I'm going to strangle you and choke off your air supply until you pass away.
Buddy Love: What's wrong with that breath? I can smell it over here! Reggie, your breath is so stinky, people look forward to your farts. Breath smells like shit! Do you smell shit?
Buddy Love: I SMELL SHIT!
[Sherman has bloated back into himself after being Buddy Love at the banquet]
Sherman Klump: If you give me a moment, I can explain. My research is, um... Well, when I started out, I wanted to help people. But then I became desperate and selfish. And what I did was wrong. Buddy's who I thought the whole world wanted me to be. He's who I thought I wanted to be. And sometimes when you want something so so bad, you'll do just about anything to get it. But I learned one thing from Buddy. Life isn't about being happy with how much you weigh, but just being happy with yourself. I'm terribly sorry about all of this, I hope I haven't ruined everybody's evening. Please excuse me.
Sherman Klump: Sorry.
Grandma Jensen: Don't give me none o' dem mashed potatoes, you know mashed potatoes give me gas.
Buddy Love: Someone has to tend to Chunky Butt's sex life. Chunky Butt is extremely horny.
Buddy Love: Tank ass!
Sherman Klump: Tinkerbell!
Buddy Love: Blubber butt!
Sherman Klump: Featherweight!
Buddy Love: [making fun of Reggie's hair] Reggie, I heard of dreadlocks, but shitlocks? That ain't you hair, man. Take that pile of shit off your head.
Grandma Klump: [starts coughing heavily]
Papa Klump: Everybody better cover your plate.
Mama Klump: Here, momma, have some water.
Grandma Klump: Whatcha talking' about cover your plate? Not tonight, Cletus. I'll kick your ass.
Buddy Love: I've got a date at the Alumni Ball, and you've got a date with linoleum.
[Buddy punches Jason, who falls to the floor in a heap]
Sherman Klump: Daddy, all I'm saying is that scientific breakthroughs are occurring all the time.
Ernie Klump: The only thing that's 'bout to break through is your ass 'bout to break through the seat of your pants.
Mama Klump: Cletus, the dog has ripped the garbage bag open again.
Papa Klump: Well, shoot the damn dog!
Mama Klump: I ain't shootin' no dog!
Papa Klump: I'm tryin' to watch "Roseanne."
Buddy Love: [to Reggie] Ok, fat jokes! You wanna do fat jokes?
[Buddy stands up]
Buddy Love: Alright!
[Buddy claps his hands once]
Buddy Love: Your mother's so fat, the bitch needs Thomas Guide to find her asshole!
[everyone in the room, except Reggie, roars with laughter]
Buddy Love: Alright! Wait, wait, wait, your mother's so fat, after sex I roll over twice, and I'm still on the bitch!
[everyone, except Reggie, laughs louder]
Buddy Love: [to Reggie] Your mother is so fat, she fell in the Grand Canyon and got stuck!
[everyone, except Reggie, laughs even louder]
Buddy Love: Reggie's mother's so fat, that the bitch gets her toenails painted at Earl Scheib!
[everyone in the room, except Reggie, loudly roars with laughter. Buddy climbs onto the stage]
Buddy Love: [walking past Reggie] Earl Scheib! At Earl Scheib!
Buddy Love: Oh you mean rich dummy terms? I'll break it down. All the rich dummies in the room, listen up! If you gonna eat nasty stuff like this.
[Picks up a porkchop]
Buddy Love: I know it looks good and I know how many of here like porkchop. But this greasy, nasty porkchop, you know there's a gene in your DNA that routes this straight to your fat cells, and it causes all sorts of sightly conditions. Case in point, this woman has what I like to call jello arms...
[shakes a fat lady's arm]
Buddy Love: ...you notice the arm has taken on a gelatin sort of vibe. Quite nasty.
[moves to a man at another table]
Buddy Love: And to my left, this gentleman has turkey neck,
[Moves to the woman next to him]
Buddy Love: to my immediate left, this young lady is suffering from what we like to call saddlebag syndrome
[moves to the woman next to her]
Buddy Love: and to my extreme left, this lady is suffering from what we like to call... tank ass.
[the woman's husband gets up]
Buddy Love: Yo, not tonight, man.
[escorts him back into his seat]
Buddy Love: I'm your brother, I'm your brother. Like I was saying, ladies and gentlemen, where there's a will, there's a way, and there is a way we can turn these genes off, and I don't mean by using exercise or diet, I'm talking about by taking a simple solution, which helps reconstruct your metabolic cellular strands, thus giving you the appearance of,
[picks a nice lady]
Buddy Love: as they say in medical terms... gluteus minimus, or in layman's terms, an extremely tight, wonderful ass. Let's give it up for the woman with the nice ass.
[a bit of the other people applaud]
Buddy Love: She's worked so hard, don't you agree? Have a seat have a seat. Wow, everybody has a nice ass at this table, is this the nice ass section?
Papa Klump: You can sew up your stomach and your asshole and you will always be fat.
Buddy Love: [touches her sexually] Is that a test tube in my pocket, or am I just happy to see you?
Wellman College Alumni: [pushes away] Ugh! How dare you!
Buddy Love: Oh, you know you love it. I felt your percolating.
Buddy Love: Reggie's mother is so fat... her blood type is rocky road!
[everyone cheers except Reggie]
Buddy Love: Last one! Reggie's mother's so fat... HER BELT SIZE IS EQUATOR!
[everyone except Reggie loudly roars with laughter]
Professor Carla Purty: [about Reggie] I hate this guy. I hate this guy, he is so obnoxious.
Buddy Love: [ignores her] Give the nigger a chance.
Reggie Warrington: Women be shoppin'! You cannot stop a woman from shoppin'!
Professor Carla Purty: I just had to come over and introduce myself because I've been following your work for many years and I'm a big fan!
Sherman Klump: Well, thank you very much! I'm fatter, er, *flattered* that you've been following my work the way you have.
Reggie Warrington: Boy's ass is so fat, he's got more crack than Harlem!
Mama Klump: When the good Lord made you, He made you beautiful inside and out.
[Professor Sherman Klump grunts and groans trying to fit his obese frame into an office chair; he finally gets comfortable and sighs with relief]
Dean Richmond: Comfy?
Sherman Klump: Quite.
Dean Richmond: Anything I can get for you? Juice? Coffee? Rack of lamb?
Sherman Klump: No, sir, I'm fine.
Buddy Love: Who you think you talkin' to, Sherman Klump? Man, if you ever talk to me like that again, I'll kill you. And I don't mean it as euphemism, I'm gonna literally kill you. I'm gonna *strangle* you and cut off *your* air supply until *you* pass away.
Papa Klump: [When Sherman is 'fighting' Buddy on the stage] Someone had better go and call the exorcist!
Buddy Love: [to Reggie] It's your world, dog! I'm just a squrrel trying to get a nut!
Grandma Klump: I know a good church down there on Main Street, but they won't marry you if you're a lesbian.
Lance: You're not pathetic! People! Pounds do not lose themselves! You have to work! Work! Work! Everybody up! Get up! You, too, at home. Everybody up and say...
Lance: Yes, I can!
Lance: Say it again.
Lance: Yes, I can!
Sherman Klump: [determined] Yes, I can!
[stomps on the floor]
Sherman Klump: Yes, I can! Yes...!
Mr. Wilson: Quiet down, damn it!
Sherman Klump: Sorry 'bout that down there, Mr. Wilson!
Mr. Wilson: Klump, shut up!
Sherman Klump: [sets to work] I can!
Reggie Warrington: [as a giant Sherman comes through the city] Run for the hills everyone, it's Fatzilla!
Reggie Warrington: Boy he looks like King Kong with titties.
Reggie Warrington: Boy's so fat, when he goes outside with a red shirt on, all the kids in the neighbourhood shout Kool Aid!
Reggie Warrington: Boy's so fat, when they cut his ass open with a pen-knife, it bleed chocolate milk! What would you do for a klondike bar?
Jason: [seeing Buddy revert to Sherman while in the car with him] Oh, man! This is Freddy Krueger shit, man!