Memorable quotes for
My Fellow Americans (1996) More at IMDbPro »

Joe Hollis: Well, Kaye. What an unexpected and bloodcurdling surprise.
Kaye Griffin: You just know how to make a girl get all gooey inside, don't you. What have you heard about the Kramer scandal?
Joe Hollis: Not a word. Now if you'll excuse me, my salad's getting cold.

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[White House worker notices the gun in Rita's station wagon]
Rita: What you looking at? You been down to that farmer's market lately? It's brutal.

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Joe Hollis: Wait a minute. Is that President Kramer holding a gun on a naked guy in a blindfold?

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Matt Douglas: Well, I don't think you had anything to do with Charlie's death, but I'm pretty sure you're involved in this mess somehow.
Russell Kramer: I'm involved? But, what about you? You were the one sittin' in the car next to a dead man.
Matt Douglas: Well, now you know. I enjoy spending time with dead men. You don't believe me? Go ahead and die. It'll perk me right up.

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Tanner: Hello, sirs. No need for concern. It's only me... the twisted psycho.

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Margaret Kramer: Don't do that with the liquor, Russ. It's so... George Bush.

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[Russell Kramer's made-up words to "Hail to the Chief."]
Russell Kramer: Hail to the chief, he's the chief and he needs hailing. He is the chief, so everybody hail like crazy. Hail to... that's more or less how it...

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Matt Douglas: Look, Joanna, if the book goes, if it doesn't go, I don't really care. I'm only writing it 'cause, frankly, I don't know what else to do.
Joanna: I'm sure you've got plenty of options.
Matt Douglas: Not really. But I'll tell you one thing, I'll never be like Kramer, running around the country sucking up every dime that isn't nailed down. Now Jimmy Carter, there's a class act. He goes around building homes for poor people with his own hands. That's classy.
Joanna: Well, you could do that.
Matt Douglas: Yeah, yeah. Maybe in a couple of years, but, uh, right now, my attitude is, they didn't vote for me, let 'em freeze.

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Russell Kramer: Did you ever have one of her pizzas?
Matt Douglas: Oh.
Russell Kramer: It was like a wet dream with a crust.
Matt Douglas: A wet dream?
Russell Kramer: Huh?
Matt Douglas: I don't think I need to hear Russell P. Kramer saying the words "wet dream." I'll wake up screaming every night 'til I die.

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Russell Kramer: There was only one assassination attempt on me. You had three.
Matt Douglas: Two. The woman in Phoenix doesn't count. She only had a starter pistol.

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Russell Kramer: I was Time Magazine's Man of the Year.
Matt Douglas: So was Hitler.
Russell Kramer: Not twice.

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Man in bathroom: It's an honor, sir.
Matt Douglas: I can't shake right now. Have to keep my hands on the First Penis.

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Russell Kramer: It's a kick in the balls. Sorry, sweetheart.
Margaret Kramer: Please, I'm a politician's wife. I have a set of my own.

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Russell Kramer: Oh, yeah, I'm about to share my coffee with the Washington Love Machine. No dice. You could spit in a Petri dish and start a whole new civilization.

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Russell Kramer: When this is over, promise me we'll come back and look for my balls.

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Matt Douglas: Decaf. You pussy.

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[Matt Douglas' made-up words to "Hail to the Chief"]
Matt Douglas: Hail to the chief, if you don't, I'll have to kill you. I am the chief, so you better watch your step, you bastards.

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Matt Douglas: Let's stop talking. We're about to bond. It'll make me vomit.

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Russell Kramer: Well, as usual, the Republican comes up with a plan while the Democrat just aimlessly wanders in the woods.

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Genny: Wel... , uh, I'm sorry about that, sir. We're Republican.
Matt Douglas: Well, at least you can admit it. That's the first step towards recovery.

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Matt Douglas: You're a whore. Admit it. Admit you're a big whore. Go ahead.
Russell Kramer: Name three women from the District of Columbia that you didn't bang when you were in office - what am I talking about? Name one.
Matt Douglas: Screw you.
Russell Kramer: Blow me.
[Rifles fire]

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Margaret Kramer: Don't say "freaking", Russ. If you have to use the "F" word, go for the gold.

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Russell Kramer: Kaye. What a... lovely surprise. And how is my favorite television newsperson?
Kaye Griffin: Oh, I'm your favorite? I thought Diane Sawyer was your favorite.
Russell Kramer: She is. How is she?

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Matt Douglas: I hate these funerals. It's just awful when another good Democrat passes on.
Aide: I believe the deceased was a Republican, sir.
Matt Douglas: Oh, well, then it might not be so bad.

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Russell Kramer: When you were in the White House, who was the person you were most excited to meet?
Matt Douglas: Nelson Mandela.
Russell Kramer: I'm not a reporter.
Matt Douglas: Ella Fitzgerald.
Russell Kramer: Ah.
Matt Douglas: Mandela was a great man, but he couldn't sing worth a shit.

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Matt Douglas: That went a little too easy. You guys are getting soft.
Greg: Mr. President, once again, we really wish you wouldn't do that. You put yourself at great risk, sir.
Matt Douglas: Oh, yeah, right. Let me ask you something. In all the years ex-presidents have had Secret Service protection, has there ever been even one assassination attempt on any of 'em?
Chet: Uh, no, sir.
Matt Douglas: I find that sad. The minute you're out of office they don't care enough about you to kill you anymore. People are FICKLE.

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Greg: Sir, uh, before we go in, Chet and I would really like to know how you got out of that bathroom stall without us seeing.
Matt Douglas: Why don't you guys just relax? Take a night off. Go rent "In The Line of Fire" again.

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Matt Douglas: A cookbook. He wrote a cookbook. How dare he?
Joanna: Well, you know, when he was President, he did cook for his guests all the time.
Matt Douglas: That's not the point. Did George Washington write a book called "Your Wooden Teeth and You?" Did William Howard Taft write "Thirty Days To A Slimmer Ass?" It's shameful, just shameful.

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Russell Kramer: [about his "Constellation" watch] Oh, this really steams my clams. There are only two watches like that in the entire world. Reagan has one, and now Shamu, the killer hick, has the other.

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Matt Douglas: We're never getting to Ohio, not the way this guy drives. Every 500 feet, they stop to take another damn picture. The Donner Party moved faster.

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Russell Kramer: Oh, geez... he's squeezin' my breast again.
Matt Douglas: Well, this time, pretend not to enjoy it.

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Russell Kramer: The people will believe us!
Matt Douglas: Why
Russell Kramer: Because we're presidents
[long silence]
Russell Kramer: Okay they won't believe us... what the hell are we supposed to do now?

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Matt Douglas: [Presidents Douglas and Kramer lead a White House tour as fast as possible in order to get to the Oval Office in time] Okay, this is the Green Room...
Russell Kramer: [No pause] It's green.
Matt Douglas: [No pause] And its a room.
Russell Kramer: [No pause] Hence its name.
Matt Douglas: [No pause] Any questions?
Russell Kramer: [No pause] None from me.
Matt Douglas: [No pause, both Presidents start to move on down the hall] Okay, then shall we?

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Rita: [after smuggling the Presidents in hidden by a tarp past the White house guard] Mr Presidents, please hush up! Long as you're in my car you're produce!

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Matt Douglas: [after talking about Jimmy Carter being a class act with Habitat for Humanity] I could do that. But right now, my attitude is, they didn't vote for me, let 'em freeze.
[smiles]

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