Memorable quotes for
Muppet Treasure Island (1996) More at IMDbPro »

Billy Bones: Beware lads! Beware.
Jim Hawkins: What, the one-legged man?
Billy Bones: Aye. But also, beware runnin' with scissors or any other pointy object. It's all good fun, until somebody loses an - Ahhhh!

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Rizzo: What's wrong?
Gonzo: It just feels so weird.
Rizzo: You mean that Mr. Arrow's dead?
Gonzo: Yeah, that... and my pants are filled with starfish.
Rizzo: You and your hobbies.

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Statler: "Take a cruise," you said. "See the world," you said. Now here we are, stuck on the front of this stupid ship.
Waldorf: Well, it could be worse. We could be stuck in the audience.

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Mud Bunny: [sobbing] Dead Tom's dead. Long John shot him!
Walleyed Pike: But Dead Tom's always been dead. That's why he's called Dead Tom.

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Zoot: Hey man, I can't figure out what side we're on. Are we with the pirates or the frog captain?
Floyd: Oh, hey, man. Just play the gig. Never get involved in politics.
Animal: Politics! Politics!

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Rizzo: Terrific. Captured by crazed wild pigs and sacrificed hideously before a pagan altar.
Gonzo: Are we lucky or what?

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Gonzo: One leg, Jim, count'em, one.

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Benjamina Gunn: You left me standing at the altar.
Captain Abraham Smollett: I was on a ship headed for Zanzibar. I got cold feet.
Benjamina Gunn: You're a frog. You're supposed to have cold feet.

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Benjamina Gunn: All right. No more Ms. Nice Guy.

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Rizzo: He's some kind of a blind fiend.
Gonzo: I believe they prefer visually challenged fiend.

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Rizzo: He died? And this is supposed to be a kids' movie.

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Jim Hawkins: I'm sorry your present didn't work out.
Long John Silver: Aww, Jim. Smollet sails by rules and laws. That's what being a captain is all about. Me, I sails by the stars.
Jim Hawkins: Stars?
Long John Silver: North, Jim. Find me north out there among them stars.
Jim Hawkins: [pulls out compass] Well, that's easy...
Long John Silver: [takes compass from Jim and holds it overboard] Ah yeah, but what if you don't have a compass?
Jim Hawkins: Long John, please don't drop it! It was my father's. It's all I have of his. Please... please...
Long John Silver: [hands it back] I'm sorry, lad. I were only fooling. How old were you when he died, then?
Jim Hawkins: Seven.
Long John Silver: I were eight when my father died at sea. First mate, he was.
Jim Hawkins: My father was a first mate, too!
Long John Silver: Was he now? By the powers, what a coincidence!
[points to the night sky]
Long John Silver: Now, Jim, that be Polaris, the North Star. Even in the China Sea, that's north.
Jim Hawkins: [points to the star] North. Polaris. So, we must be heading southwest.
Long John Silver: Smart as paint you are, lad! Smart as paint! Now, that gets ol' Long John to wondering: why would we be sailing southwest? The scuttlebutt among the crew is that, um, we're sailing for buried treasure... and, uh, someone on board has a map. 'Course, none of my concern, Jim. I'm just a ship's cook. Such matters are best suited to Captain Smollet. He runs this ship, not I.
Jim Hawkins: Come on, Long John. You could captain this ship.
Long John Silver: That I could, lad. Maybe someday I will.
[laughs]

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[Billy Bones has apparently died]
Rizzo: He died? And this is supposed to be a kids' movie!
Billy Bones: [Billy Bones suddenly wakes up and, without opening his eyes, grabs Gonzo's nose to pull him closer] Jimmy-Jim-Jimmy-Jim-Jim-Jim-Jim! You've always been a decent sort to old Billy Bones.
Gonzo: Buy I'm not Jimmy-Jim-Jimmy-Jim-Jim-Jim-Jim.
[Nods at Jim]
Gonzo: *He's* Jimmy-Jim-Jimmy-Jim-Jim-Jim-Jim.
Billy Bones: [Billy Bones grabs Jim's shirt and pulls him closer] Jim?
Jim Hawkins: Yes, Captain?
Billy Bones: Jimmy-Jim-Jimmy-Jim-Jim-Jim-Jim!
Jim Hawkins: Yes, Captain, what is it?

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Jim Hawkins: [sung] I look around here and I want to cry.
Rizzo: Ah, me too.
Jim Hawkins: [sung] I feel like the world is passing me by.
Gonzo: It is.
Jim Hawkins: [sung] And I just can't help but wonder am I doomed to wash and dry? And is it a curse I'm under to do it till I die.
Gonzo: Oh, I hope not.
Jim Hawkins: [sung] When I could be an explorer...
Gonzo: Sure you could.
Jim Hawkins: [sung] ... sailing off to distant lands...
Gonzo: Wait! Not so fast.
Jim Hawkins: [sung] ... 'stead of spending every afternoon just getting dishpan hands. My future looks like nowhere that I want to be.
Jim Hawkins, Rizzo, Gonzo: [sung] There's got to be something better, something better...
Jim Hawkins: [sung] There's got to be something better than this for me.

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Captain Abraham Smollett: Where to, Captain Hawkins?
Jim Hawkins: To wherever the wind may take us!
Gonzo: Off to Zanzibar to meet the Zanzibarbarians!
Rizzo: Oh, brother! Here they go again!

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Dr. Livesay: [looking at the treasure map] Say, I know what's happening here. You chaps are planning to sail to this island, aren't you? To dig up this treasure.
Jim Hawkins: Yes, but we must be quiet about it.
[whisper]
Jim Hawkins: There are pirates looking for this map.
Gonzo: [normal voice] Yeah, and they want to KILL us for it! Isn't that exciting?

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Rizzo: I've gone way beyond afraid. Right now I'm somewhere between bedwetting and a near death experience.

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Gonzo: Look at this! I'm taller. This is so cool; I may even have a future with the NBA!
[laughs]

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Captain Abraham Smollett: [shouting flabergasted] Who hired this crew? This is undoubtedly the seediest bunch of cutthroats, villains and scoundrels I have ever seen, so who hired them?
[Everyone points at Young Squire Trelawney, who in turn points at his finger]
Captain Abraham Smollett: Your finger hired the crew?
Squire Trelawney: No, that's silly. The man who *lives* in my finger hired the crew: Mr. Bimbo.
[Holds finger to ear]
Squire Trelawney: What? Ah, yeah, he relied heavily on the advice of an excellent cook, Long John Silver.
Captain Abraham Smollett: A cook? And a guy who lives in a bear's finger?
Squire Trelawney: Exactly!
Captain Abraham Smollett: [Smollet and Mr. Erroll sigh heavily] I'm starting to worry about this voyage.
Mr. Samuel Erroll: Mm-hmm...

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Benjamina Gunn: You can't hurt my frog.

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Billy Bones: How does she bloody do that?

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[Jim and Gonzo have been listing the different directions of the compass and what lies that way]
Mrs. Bluberidge: To the northwest dirty dishes!
Gonzo: How does she do that?
Jim Hawkins: Might as well start. I'll wash.
Rizzo: I'll dry.
Gonzo: I'll break.

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Mr. Samuel Erroll: That will be 40 lashes and then you walk the plank.
Captain Abraham Smollett: I didn't say that, Mr. Erroll.
Mr. Samuel Erroll: I was anticipating your whim, sir.

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Gonzo: I thought pirates had talking parrots as pets.
Long John Silver: Talking... parrots?
Polly Lobster: What an imagination. First pirates, now talking parrots, what's next - a singing, dancing mouse with his own amusement park?

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Rizzo: If you're going to be the cook on this ship, Mr. Silver, I am definitely going to need bigger pants.

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Polly Lobster: I could have been a lawyer, but I just had too much heart.

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Clueless Morgan: I got a lovely recipe for blackened rat.

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Jim Hawkins: That's the raging volcano? He's a frog.
Rizzo: Hey, hey, maybe he gets hopping mad.

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Jim Hawkins: I hate my life.
Gonzo: I hate your life, too.
Rizzo: If I had a life, I'd hate it.

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Long John Silver: Aw, hell, Jim. I could never harm you. You're honest and brave and true. You didn't learn that from me.
Jim Hawkins: I learned it from my friends, Mr. Silver. Now, take your oars and row away. I never want to see you again. Ever.

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Jim Hawkins: Kill Captain Smollett, and you'll have to kill me.
Gonzo: Kill Jim, and you'll have to kill me.
Squire Trelawney: Kill Gonzo, and you'll have to kill me.
Rizzo: Kill Squire Trelawney and Mr. Bimbo, and you'll have to... negotiate strenuously.
[Silver turns to try to escape only to run into Benjamina and a gang of pigs]
Benjamina Gunn: Going somewhere, John-John?
Long John Silver: Well, Master Hawkins, it seems your little family has come together against me.

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Spa'am: Hmm... we see you have boom-boom sticks... bye bye.

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Long John Silver: Upstage, lads. This is my only number.

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Polly Lobster: Give it to him.
Clueless Morgan: (Confused) But, um, it's not even his Birthday...

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Rizzo: You know, the ocean. The big blue wet thing.

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Mr. Samuel Erroll: Big Fat Ugly Bug-Faced Baby-Eating O'Brian.
Woman: [deep voice] Aye.
[officers stand aghast for a moment]
Mr. Samuel Erroll: Angel Marie.
Angel Marie: [an ugly creature] Aye.

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Statler: Waldorf, you old fool! We're heroes! We saved the pig and the frog.
Waldorf: Well, it was too late to save the movie.

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Gonzo: Off to Zanzibar, to meet the Zanzibarbarians!

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Squire Trelawney: Well, gentlemen, this is definitely a genuine bona-fide treasure map.
Jim Hawkins: Really?
Squire Trelawney: Oh, yes. Mr. Bimbo told me so.
[pause]
Squire Trelawney: Oh, Mr. Bimbo lives in my finger. He's very smart. He's been to the moon.
[puts finger to his ear]
Squire Trelawney: Oh, thank you... twice.
Rizzo: I smell a bozo.

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Mr. Samuel Erroll: Boogie, boogie, boogie. I am the ghost of Samuel Arrow. Boogie!

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Benjamina Gunn: Smolly, can it be you?
Captain Abraham Smollett: Benjamina.
Benjamina Gunn: Hi-yah!
[Karate chops Smollett, sends him flying into the gong]
Captain Abraham Smollett: [to the gong ringer] Old girlfriend.

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Rizzo: [greeting rat tourists into the ship] Alright folks, have your checks made out to Rat Cruises Limited. Remember: We put the "rat" in "pirate".

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Billy Bones: [after opening sequence] Now isn't that a story worth a hearin'?
Pig Bar Patron: It was the first dozen times we heard it.
Sailor Mug: I'll drink to that.

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Captain Abraham Smollett: Bejamina, I just want you to know that I'm sorry.
Benjamina Gunn: Sorry? No, no, sorry doesn't cut it. You left me standing at the ALTAR!
Captain Abraham Smollett: I was on a ship headed for Zanzibar. I got cold feet.
Benjamina Gunn: You're a frog. You're supposed to have cold feet. My mother came all the way from France! I was wearing her white lace dress! The cake was filled with lemon CUSTARD!

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Mr. Samuel Erroll: Any man caught dawdling will be shot on sight.
Captain Abraham Smollett: I didn't say that.
Mr. Samuel Erroll: I was just paraphrasing.

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Long John Silver: Touching reunion, Benjamina. This seems to be your day for renewing old... acquaintances.
Benjamina Gunn: Oh! Well... hello, Looooong John.
Captain Abraham Smollett: Oh, no! Him too?
Benjamina Gunn: Well, if you'd married me...!
Captain Abraham Smollett: Well, what does that have to do with it?
Benjamina Gunn: I'm a pig! I need commitment!
Captain Abraham Smollett: Commitment?
[They begin to bicker madly]

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Polly Lobster: What if Clueless is right? What if it is curse-did.
Long John Silver: I'll show you what I think of your curse, you mewling little lily-livered, toffee-hearted little wuss of a crustacean!

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Billy Bones: [in response to Gonzo's smart remark] It ain't no jokin' matter, hose nose!

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Jim Hawkins: Welcome aboard, Captain Smollet.
Mr. Samuel Erroll: And welcome to your lady pig friend.

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[Trelawney tosses brandy out the window; screams; two annoyed rats appear at the window]
Rat with Pipe: You wanna knock it off with the booze? It's peeling the paint off of the shuffleboard court.

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Mrs. Bluberidge: [to the cow] Oh, drunk again, are ya?
Cow: [drunkenly] Moo.

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Long John Silver: Flint hung 'em up there after he'd gullied them to mark the trail to the treasure.

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Jim Hawkins: Here you go, your bread and water for the day.
Mad Monty: But I ordered shrimp scampi!
Long John Silver: It's more than y'deserve y'villainous dolts!

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Trelawny doorman: The squire's in Long Neddry for the grouse season. He will return on the feast of St. Lulu.
[Jim, Rizzo and Gonzo, disappointed, start to leave]
Trelawny doorman: Of course, his rich, half-wit young son Squire Trelawny is here.
[laughs]

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Captain Abraham Smollett: [Captain Smollet and Mr. Arrow are fighting the pirates, and Sweetums comes running at them with a large log] Watch out Mr. Arrow!
Captain Abraham Smollett: [Sweetums then takes all the pirates out with the large log. Smollet and Arrow look at each other for a moment] Well thank you! But, aren't you supposed to be fighting against us?
Sweetums: Are you kidding? I LOVE you guys!
Captain Abraham Smollett, Mr. Samuel Erroll: Oh.
Sweetums: Bwa ha ha...

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Blind Pew: I sink I smell somesing burning.

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Gonzo: We'd be out searching for that treasure. Sailing the seven seas on a five-year mission. Boldly going where no man has gone before! Say, that's catchy.

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Rizzo: We're standing in a room with a dead guy! Aaaaaah!

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Mr. Samuel Erroll: Captain Smollet, I have most distressing news. One of the jolly boats is missing and I know for a fact that it was terribly unsafe.

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Billy Bones: I was Flint's first mate that voyage, that's where we buried the treasure, gold and blood, they were Flint's trademarks, he'd leave both behind him that day.

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Gonzo: [singing] Every storm we ride is its own reward.
Rizzo: [singing] And people die by falling overboard.

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Rizzo: [after Jim and Long John leave] Well, it looks like the human beings wanna hang out together. Don't wanna hang out with a rat and a... uh... um...
Gonzo: Whatever.
Rizzo: Yeah!

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Gonzo: To the southeast, multi-armed Zanzibanian short women and their exploding wigs of death!

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Polly Lobster: [as they are in a rowboat bound for the island where the treasure is] This is a lucky break, captain letting us go ashore. Us with the map and all; it's like giving the treasure to us on a silver platter.
Long John Silver: Aye, that it is, Polly. Never trust a silver platter.

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Billy Bones: Oh, aye, and then old Flinty up and died before they could get back to that cursed island and dig up the treasure.

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Gonzo: Rizzo! You lost all the bullets!
Rizzo: Well, you're losing the powder!

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Rizzo: I got the bullets! Here they are! They
[he lifts the bang by the bottom, so all the bullets spill out the top and off the shelf]
Rizzo: Whoops!

---

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