Muppet Treasure Island (1996)
Rizzo: What's wrong?
Gonzo: It just feels so weird.
Rizzo: You mean that Mr. Arrow's dead?
Gonzo: Yeah, that... and my pants are filled with starfish.
Rizzo: You and your hobbies.
Statler: "Take a cruise," you said. "See the world," you said. Now here we are, stuck on the front of this stupid ship.
Waldorf: Well, it could be worse. We could be stuck in the audience.
Gonzo: I thought pirates had talking parrots as pets.
Long John Silver: Talking... parrots?
Polly Lobster: What an imagination. First pirates, now talking parrots, what's next - a singing, dancing mouse with his own amusement park?
Mudwell the Mudbunny: [sobbing] Dead Tom's dead. Long John shot him!
Walleyed Pike: But Dead Tom's always been dead. That's why he's called Dead Tom.
Zoot: Hey man, I can't figure out what side we're on. Are we with the pirates or the frog captain?
Floyd: Oh, hey, man. Just play the gig. Never get involved in politics.
Animal: Politics! Politics!
[Billy Bones has apparently died]
Rizzo: He died? And this is supposed to be a kids' movie!
Billy Bones: [Billy Bones suddenly wakes up and, without opening his eyes, grabs Gonzo's nose to pull him closer] Jimmy-Jim-Jimmy-Jim-Jim-Jim-Jim! You've always been a decent sort to old Billy Bones.
Gonzo: I'm not Jimmy-Jim-Jimmy-Jim-Jim-Jim-Jim.
[Nods at Jim]
Gonzo: *He's* Jimmy-Jim-Jimmy-Jim-Jim-Jim-Jim.
Billy Bones: [Billy Bones grabs Jim's shirt and pulls him closer] Jim?
Jim Hawkins: Yes, Captain?
Billy Bones: Jimmy-Jim-Jimmy-Jim-Jim-Jim-Jim!
Jim Hawkins: Yes, Captain, what is it?
Mr. Samuel Erroll: [during roll call] Big Fat Ugly Bug-Faced Baby Eating-O'Brien?
Woman: [a beautiful woman with a deep voice] Aye.
[officers stand aghast for a moment]
Mr. Samuel Erroll: Angel Marie?
Angel Marie: [an ugly creature] Aye! Aye!
Statler: Waldorf, you old fool! We're heroes! We saved the pig and the frog.
Waldorf: Well, it was too late to save the movie.
Captain Abraham Smollett: Bejamina, I just want you to know that I'm sorry.
Benjamina Gunn: Sorry? No, no, sorry doesn't cut it. You left me standing at the ALTAR!
Captain Abraham Smollett: I was on a ship headed for Zanzibar. I got cold feet.
Benjamina Gunn: You're a frog. You're supposed to have cold feet. My mother came all the way from France! I was wearing her white lace dress! The cake was filled with lemon CUSTARD!
Rizzo: I've gone way beyond afraid. Right now I'm somewhere between bedwetting and a near death experience.
Captain Abraham Smollett: [shouting flabergasted] Who hired this crew? This is undoubtedly the seediest bunch of cutthroats, villains and scoundrels I have ever seen, so who hired them?
[Everyone points at Young Squire Trelawney, who in turn points at his finger]
Captain Abraham Smollett: Your finger hired the crew?
Squire Trelawney: No, that's silly. The man who *lives* in my finger hired the crew: Mr. Bimbo.
[Holds finger to ear]
Squire Trelawney: What? Ah, yeah, he relied heavily on the advice of an excellent cook, Long John Silver.
Captain Abraham Smollett: A cook? And a guy who lives in a bear's finger?
Squire Trelawney: Exactly!
Captain Abraham Smollett: [Smollet and Mr. Erroll sigh heavily] I'm starting to worry about this voyage.
Mr. Samuel Erroll: Mm-hmm...
Jim Hawkins: Kill Captain Smollett, and you'll have to kill me.
Gonzo: Kill Jim, and you'll have to kill me.
Squire Trelawney: Kill Gonzo, and you'll have to kill me.
Rizzo: Kill Squire Trelawney and Mr. Bimbo, and you'll have to... negotiate strenuously.
[Silver turns to try to escape only to run into Benjamina and a gang of pigs]
Benjamina Gunn: Going somewhere, John-John?
Long John Silver: Well, Master Hawkins, it seems your little family has come together against me.
Polly Lobster: [as they are in a rowboat bound for the island where the treasure is] This is a lucky break, captain letting us go ashore. Us with the map and all; it's like giving the treasure to us on a silver platter.
Long John Silver: Aye, that it is, Polly. Never trust a silver platter.
Doorman: The squire's in Long Neddry for the grouse season. He will return on the feast of St. Lulu.
[Jim, Rizzo and Gonzo, disappointed, start to leave]
Doorman: Of course, his rich, half-wit son Young Squire Trelawny's here.
Gonzo: Look at this! I'm taller. This is so cool; I may even have a future with the NBA!
[Jim and Gonzo have been listing the different directions of the compass and what lies that way]
Mrs. Bluberidge: To the northwest dirty dishes!
Gonzo: How does she do that?
Jim Hawkins: Might as well start. I'll wash.
Rizzo: I'll dry.
Gonzo: I'll break.
Squire Trelawney: Well, gentlemen, this is definitely a genuine bona-fide treasure map.
Jim Hawkins: Really?
Squire Trelawney: Oh, yes. Mr. Bimbo told me so.
Squire Trelawney: Oh, Mr. Bimbo lives in my finger. He's very smart. He's been to the moon.
[puts finger to his ear]
Squire Trelawney: Oh, thank you... twice.
Rizzo: I smell a bozo.
Mrs. Bluberidge: [to the cow] Oh, drunk again, are ya?
Cow: [drunkenly] Moo.
Captain Abraham Smollett: [Captain Smollet and Mr. Arrow are fighting the pirates, and Sweetums comes running at them with a large log] Watch out Mr. Arrow!
Captain Abraham Smollett: [Sweetums then takes all the pirates out with the large log. Smollet and Arrow look at each other for a moment] Well thank you! But, aren't you supposed to be fighting against us?
Sweetums: Are you kidding? I LOVE you guys!
Sweetums: Bwa ha ha...
Polly Lobster: Clueless!
Clueless Morgan: Yeah yeah.
Polly Lobster: Give it to him!
Mad Monty: Yeah!
Clueless Morgan: But it's not even his birthday.
Polly Lobster: No no no no no the paper!
[Polly Lobster punches Clueless Morgan]
Clueless Morgan: This is for you.
[Clueless Morgan gives Long John Silver the paper with the black spot]
Long John Silver: The black spot?
Mad Monty: Yeah!
Long John Silver: You dare to give me the black spot?
Clueless Morgan: He told me to.
Polly Lobster: What? Shut up will you!
Long John Silver: Drawn on a page torn from a page from the bible. You tore a page from the holy scriptures, to make a pirates death sentence.
Clueless Morgan: Here.
Long John Silver: Oh the red hot gates of hell are creeping open. Satan is heating his pokers for you for you, you blasphemes heathens. Fall down on your knees and beg for deliverance from damnation.
Clueless Morgan: Please forgive us.
[Pirates begging for forgiveness]
Long John Silver: Very good you're forgiven. Now untie me! And let's go find the treasure!
Billy Bones: Beware lads! Beware.
Jim Hawkins: What, the one-legged man?
Billy Bones: Aye. But also, beware runnin' with scissors or any other pointy object. It's all good fun, until somebody loses a - Ahhhh!
Rizzo: Terrific. Captured by crazed wild pigs and sacrificed hideously before a pagan altar.
Gonzo: Are we lucky or what?
Rizzo: He died? And this is supposed to be a kids' movie.
Captain Abraham Smollett: Where to, Captain Hawkins?
Jim Hawkins: To wherever the wind may take us!
Gonzo: Off to Zanzibar to meet the Zanzibarbarians!
Rizzo: Oh, brother! Here they go again!
Mr. Samuel Erroll: That will be 40 lashes and then you walk the plank.
Captain Abraham Smollett: I didn't say that, Mr. Erroll.
Mr. Samuel Erroll: I was anticipating your whim, sir.
Spa'am: Hmm... we see you have boom-boom sticks... bye bye.
Long John Silver: Upstage, lads. This is my only number.
Benjamina Gunn: Smolly, can it be you?
Captain Abraham Smollett: Benjamina.
Benjamina Gunn: Hi-yah!
[Karate chops Smollett, sends him flying into the gong]
Captain Abraham Smollett: [to the gong ringer] Old girlfriend.
Rizzo: [greeting rat tourists into the ship] Alright folks, have your checks made out to Rat Cruises Limited. Remember: We put the "rat" in "pirate".
Billy Bones: [after opening sequence] Now isn't that a story worth a hearin'?
First Pig: It was the first dozen times we heard it.
Second Pig: I'll drink to that.
Polly Lobster: What if Clueless is right? What if it is curse-did.
Long John Silver: I'll show you what I think of your curse, you mewling little lily-livered, toffee-hearted little wuss of a crustacean!
Gonzo: We'd be out searching for that treasure. Sailing the seven seas on a five-year mission. Boldly going where no man has gone before! Say, that's catchy.
Rizzo: [after Jim and Long John leave] Well, it looks like the human beings wanna hang out together. Don't wanna hang out with a rat and a... uh... um...
Gonzo: To the southeast, multi-armed Zanzibanian short women and their exploding wigs of death!
Mr. Samuel Erroll: By the way, that Silver fellow, may not be trustworthy.
Rizzo: [to Gonzo] Ha ha. Now he tells us.
Rizzo: [Billy Bones has just died] We are standing in a room with a dead guy!
Blind Pew: [stroking Jim's hair] Oh a pretty little girl is it? Yes, take me to Billy Bones, ma pet!
Jim Hawkins: You've got it all wrong, there's no Billy Bones here, and I'm not a girl!
Blind Pew: I maybe visually challenged, but I can SEE, YOU'RE LYING.
Benjamina Gunn: You left me standing at the altar.
Captain Abraham Smollett: I was on a ship headed for Zanzibar. I got cold feet.
Benjamina Gunn: You're a frog. You're supposed to have cold feet.
Jim Hawkins: [sung] I look around here and I want to cry.
Rizzo: Ah, me too.
Jim Hawkins: [sung] I feel like the world is passing me by.
Gonzo: It is.
Jim Hawkins: [sung] And I just can't help but wonder am I doomed to wash and dry? And is it a curse I'm under to do it till I die.
Gonzo: Oh, I hope not.
Jim Hawkins: [sung] When I could be an explorer...
Gonzo: Sure you could.
Jim Hawkins: [sung] ... sailing off to distant lands...
Gonzo: Wait! Not so fast.
Jim Hawkins: [sung] ... 'stead of spending every afternoon just getting dishpan hands. My future looks like nowhere that I want to be.
Jim Hawkins: [sung] There's got to be something better than this for me.
Dr. David Livesey: [looking at the treasure map] Say, I know what's happening here. You chaps are planning to sail to this island, aren't you? To dig up this treasure.
Jim Hawkins: Yes, but we must be quiet about it.
Jim Hawkins: There are pirates looking for this map.
Gonzo: [normal voice] Yeah, and they want to KILL us for it! Isn't that exciting?
Rizzo: If you're going to be the cook on this ship, Mr. Silver, I am definitely going to need bigger pants.
Polly Lobster: I could have been a lawyer, but I just had too much heart.
Clueless Morgan: I got a lovely recipe for blackened rat.
Long John Silver: Aw, hell, Jim. I could never harm you. You're honest and brave and true. You didn't learn that from me.
Jim Hawkins: I learned it from my friends, Mr. Silver. Now, take your oars and row away. I never want to see you again. Ever.
Mr. Samuel Erroll: Boogie, boogie, boogie. I am the ghost of Samuel Arrow. Boogie!
Mr. Samuel Erroll: Any man caught dawdling will be shot on sight.
Captain Abraham Smollett: I didn't say that.
Mr. Samuel Erroll: I was just paraphrasing.
Long John Silver: Touching reunion, Benjamina. This seems to be your day for renewing old... acquaintances.
Benjamina Gunn: Oh! Well... hello, Looooong John.
Captain Abraham Smollett: Oh, no! Him too?
Benjamina Gunn: Well, if you'd married me...!
Captain Abraham Smollett: Well, what does that have to do with it?
Benjamina Gunn: I'm a pig! I need commitment!
Captain Abraham Smollett: Commitment?
[They begin to bicker madly]
Billy Bones: [in response to Gonzo's smart remark] It ain't no jokin' matter, hose nose!
Jim Hawkins: Welcome aboard, Captain Smollet.
Mr. Samuel Erroll: And welcome to your lady pig friend.
[Trelawney tosses brandy out the window for the third time; screams; two annoyed rats appear at the window]
Rat with Pipe: You wanna knock it off with the booze? It's peeling the paint off of the shuffleboard court.
Long John Silver: Flint hung 'em up there after he'd gullied them to mark the trail to the treasure.
Jim Hawkins: Here you go, your bread and water for the day.
Mad Monty: But I ordered shrimp scampi!
Long John Silver: It's more than y'deserve y'villainous dolts!
Mr. Samuel Erroll: Captain Smollet, I have most distressing news. One of the jolly boats is missing and I know for a fact that it was terribly unsafe.
Billy Bones: I was Flint's first mate that voyage. Three days east of Tortola in the Caribbean, Flint knew an island. That's where we buried the treasure. Gold and blood, they were Flint's trademarks. He'd leave both behind him that day.
Gonzo: [singing] Every storm we ride is its own reward.
Rizzo: [singing] And people die by falling overboard.
Billy Bones: Oh, aye, and then old Flinty up and died before they could get back to that cursed island and dig up the treasure.
Rizzo: I got the bullets! Here they are! They
[he lifts the bang by the bottom, so all the bullets spill out the top and off the shelf]
[When Long John and the pirates threaten to kill Capt. Smollet/Kermit, Benjamina Gunn/Miss Piggy finally reveals where the treasure is]
Benjamina Gunn: STOOOOOOOOOPPP! Stop stop stop stop!
Benjamina Gunn: The treasure's at my place! North trail spin little hut with the pink lawn furniture, you can't miss it!
Benjamina Gunn: Now, free him, you scoundrel!
Clueless Morgan: It's a sign! This a curséd place!
Long John Silver: Now there's an informed opinion.
Mad Monty: [mistakes the Hispaniola for Capt. Flint's ship] He is going to kill us!
Jim Hawkins: I'm sorry your present didn't work out.
Long John Silver: Aww, Jim. Smollet sails by rules and laws. That's what being a captain is all about. Me, I sails by the stars.
Jim Hawkins: Stars?
Long John Silver: North, Jim. Find me north out there among them stars.
Jim Hawkins: [pulls out compass] Well, that's easy...
Long John Silver: [takes compass from Jim and holds it overboard] Ah yeah, but what if you don't have a compass?
Jim Hawkins: Long John, please don't drop it! It was my father's. It's all I have of his. Please... please...
Long John Silver: [hands it back] I'm sorry, lad. I were only fooling. How old were you when he died, then?
Jim Hawkins: Seven.
Long John Silver: I were eight when my father died at sea. First mate, he was.
Jim Hawkins: My father was a first mate, too!
Long John Silver: Was he now? By the powers, what a coincidence!
[points to the night sky]
Long John Silver: Now, Jim, that be Polaris, the North Star. Even in the China Sea, that's north.
Jim Hawkins: [points to the star] North. Polaris. So, we must be heading southwest.
Long John Silver: Smart as paint you are, lad! Smart as paint! Now, that gets ol' Long John to wondering: why would we be sailing southwest? The scuttlebutt among the crew is that, um, we're sailing for buried treasure... and, uh, someone on board has a map. 'Course, none of my concern, Jim. I'm just a ship's cook. Such matters are best suited to Captain Smollet. He runs this ship, not I.
Jim Hawkins: Come on, Long John. You could captain this ship.
Long John Silver: That I could, lad. Maybe someday I will.
Rizzo: We're standing in a room where the DEAD GUYS ROAM! Aaaaaah!
Jacques Roach: [singing as a square dance caller] Grab your partner by the ears, latch him to the wheel, do si do step on his toes, listen to him squeal, allemande left allemande right, it's time to sail or sink, swing your partner over the side, drop him in the drink.