President Dale: Why can't we work out our differences? Why can't we work things out? Little people, why can't we all just get along?
Richie Norris: I want to thank my Grandma for always being so good to me, and, and for helping save the world and everything.
[Watching an alien on TV]
First Lady: [after seeing the Martians for the first time] I'm not allowing that thing in my house.
President Dale: Sweetie, we may have to. The people expect me to meet with them.
First Lady: Well they're not going to eat off the Van Buren china.
Art Land: I'm not a crook, I'm ambitious. There's a difference.
Richie Norris: Wow, he just made the international sign of the doughnut.
Art Land: [Repeatedly] Wow!
Barbara Land: Hello, my name is Barbara,
AA Meeting: Hello Barbara,
Barbara Land: I am an alcoholic, but I haven't had a drink in three months!
Byron Williams: Barbara, you alright?
Barbara Land: Huh? I need a drink...
Rude Gambler: You and me both baby!
Rude Gambler: HEY! You're Tom Jones Right? "It ain't unusual", Hey Tom, Tom! Can I have an autograph? Anyone Got A Pen?
Gen. Decker: Liberals! Intellectuals! Peacemongers! IDIOTS!
Taffy Dale: [Opening the door in the background] Can you keep it down? People live here!
[Closes the door]
[Challenging a Martian to a fistfight]
Byron Williams: No weapons! No tricks! Just you and me! Byron Williams! The heavyweight champion of the world!
[Pitching a hotel-casino idea]
Art Land: If the Martians land, the're gonna need a place to stay. Just like everybody else.
President Dale: Rest assured that we will soon come out at a very real outcome.
President Dale: I want the people to know that they still have 2 out of 3 branches of the government working for them, and that ain't bad.
Art Land: Even in a time of intergalactic crisis, people still want to roll them bones.
President Dale: General Decker, if you do not shut up I am going to relieve you of your commands
Gen. Decker: We have to strike now, sir! Annihilate! Kill! Kill! Kill!
President Dale: SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!
Richie Norris: I bet you're psyched about the Martians coming Grandma? I mean, you've seen a lot of crazy stuff already. Everyone must have been real scared when they invented the train!
Grandma Florence Norris: Come on kid I'm not that old!
Martian Translator Device: All green of skin... 800 centuries ago, their bodily fluids include the birth of half-breeds. For the fundamental truth self-determination of the cosmos, for dark is the suede that mows like a harvest.
General Decker: What the hell does that mean?
General Casey: [talking on phone] Hello? This is General Casey. I get to meet the Martian Ambassador! Ain't that great? Oh, it's a hell of an honor. But didn't I always tell you honey, if I just stayed in place and never spoke up, good things are bound to happen. Yeah... Ok
[makes kissing noises and ends the phone call]
[overhearing the destruction of France via telephone]
President Dale: ...Mon dieu...
General Decker: We should nuke these assholes with everything we got, sir.
Taffy Dale: Guess it wasn't the dove.
Rude Gambler: You wanna conquer the world, you're going to need lawyers, right?
Billy Glenn Norris: Die, you alien shithead!
Grandma Florence Norris: Richie, I think these guys are very sick.
Cedric Williams: What are you guys gawking at? Get that president outta here!
Grandma Florence Norris: They blew up Congress! Ha ha ha ha!
Richie's Dad: Martians. Ha ha. Funny looks little critters, aren't they?
Richie Norris: Should I go get Grandma?
Richie's Dad: Oh forget Grandma! She's halfway into space already!
Sue Ann Norris: I'll tell you one thing, they ain't gettin' the TV.
Barbara Land: Know anyone who can fly a plane?
Byron Williams: Yeah, your husband Art.
Barbara Land: No... he's dead. I told him this was gonna happen.
Martian Translator Device: Don't run! We are your friends!
Martian Translator Device: We come in peace! We come in peace!
First Lady: [as the chandelier is falling on her] The Nancy Reagan chandelier!
Rude Gambler: [after running into a martian] Holy shit!
Grandma Florence Norris: [as Taffy is giving her the Medal of Honor] Thank you, honey. But don't you dare let anything like this happen again.
Billy Glenn Norris: [about to get on the bus to leave for the Army, to his brother] So long, retard.
Richie Norris: Is that OK?
Taffy Dale: Yea. Do you got a girlfriend?
Richie Norris: No.
Marsian Ambassador: Ack! Ack! Ack!
Professor Donald Kessler: [as the Martians disintegrate the Congressmen] Mr. Ambassador, please! What are you doing? This doesn't make sense! It's not logical! It's not -
[a Martian knocks out the Professor]
Press Secretary Jerry Ross: My finger!
Jason Stone: [to Jerry Ross] When the Martians land, will the press have access? Can we do interviews?
Jason Stone: [Reporting in Pahrump where the Martians are landing] The teeming masses have gathered from who knows how many states. Waiting and watching. Why have they come? Curiosity? Or is it something more? Or is it simply to say "I was there. I was there when first man met Martian." Jason Stone, GNN. Pahrump.
Richie Norris: [after watching the Martians kill Congress on TV] Why did they do that?
Hispanic woman at donut shop: Maybe they no liking the human being.
Grandma Florence Norris: [after a Martian's head explodes] I think it must be my music!
Billy Glenn Norris: Bye bye, Grandma.
Grandma Florence Norris: Goodbye, Thomas.
Billy Glenn Norris: It's Billy Glenn, Grandma.
Grandma Florence Norris: I know, Thomas.
Professor Donald Kessler: We know they're extremely advanced technologically, which suggests - very rightfully so - that they're peaceful. An advanced civilization, by definition, is not barbaric.