Quotes
Mitch: The last time I got blown, candy bars cost a nickel.
Share thisMitch Henessey: [singing] Putting the keys in my left pocket. Hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm. Gun in the right-hand side.
Samantha Caine: It makes a bulge, people can see.
Mitch Henessey: Ya want me to stick it in my pants and shoot my damn dick off?
Samantha Caine: Now you're a sharpshooter?
Share thisCharlie: ...It ain't over. You're going to die screaming... and I'm going to watch. Am I telling the truth?
Share thisCaitlin Caine: Mommy, am I gonna die?
Charlie: Oh, no, baby, no. You're not going to die. They are. Cover your ears. Hey, should we get a dog?
Share thisMitch: So, you cold?
Charlie: Yeah. Freezing.
Mitch: Turn on the heat. It doesn't work, but it makes a very annoying noise - distracts from the cold.
Share thisCharlie: I'm leaving the country, Mitch. I need a fake passport and I need money, lots of it.
Mitch: Well why didn't you say so? Hold on a minute while I pull that outta my ass.
Share thisCharlie: I let you touch me, cowboy. I think I need a bath.
Share thisCharlie: You couldn't hit a lake if you were standing on the bottom.
Share thisCharlie: Life is pain. Get used to it.
Share thisHal: I don't smoke, I don't drink and I don't swear. Oh shit, I DO smoke and drink!
Share thisMitch Henessey: What I'm saying is, back when we first met, you were all like "Oh phooey, I burned the darn muffins." Now, you go into a bar, ten minutes later, sailors come runnin' out. What up with that?
Share thisCharlie: They're gonna blow my head off, you know. This is the last time I'll ever be pretty.
Share thisMitch Henessey: I never did one thing right in my life, you know that? Not one. That takes skill.
Share thisAlley Agent: Good evening, pretty lady. How 'bout some company?
Charlie: No thanks. I'm saving myself 'til I get raped.
Share thisSamantha Caine: What, are you a Mormon?
Mitch Henessey: Yes, I'm a Mormon. That's why I just smoked a pack of Newport and drank three vodka tonics.
Share thisNathan: Alice, please. Your dog, Alice. It and my appetite are mutually exclusive.
Alice: Well, what's wrong with the dog?
Nathan: Simple. He's been licking his asshole for the last three straight hours. I submit to you that there is nothing there worth more than an hour's attention. I should think that whatever he is attempting to dislodge is either gone for good, or there to stay. Wouldn't you agree?
Share thisCharlie: Were you always this stupid, or did you take lessons?
Mitch Henessey: I took lessons.
Share thisCharlie: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Mitch Henessey: I hope not, 'cause I'm thinking how much my balls hurt.
Share thisMitch Henessey: ...everyone knows, when you make an assumption, you make an ass out of "u" and "umption".
Share thisMitch Henessey: We jumped out of a building.
Nathan: Yes, it was very exciting. Tomorrow we go to the zoo.
Charlie: You're Waldman.
Nathan: No, I'm the Hill Brothers bean buyer. Who else would I be? Hang on. If you want me to talk in front of him, you may be asked... to kill him later. It works for me. Your call.
Share thisMitch Henessey: I'm always frank and earnest with women. Uh, in New York I'm Frank, and Chicago I'm Ernest.
Share thisSamantha: Easy, sport. I got myself outta Beirut once, I think I can get outta New Jersey.
Mitch: Yeah? Well, don't be so sure. Others have tried and failed. The entire population, in fact.
Share thisSamantha: I know he has a pin in his leg, car accident. I... I know he cuts his own hair. He doesn't even own a TV. He... he sits when he pees...
Mitch: Hey, hey, hey. That's enough, I'm gettin' a boner here, all right?
Share thisMitch: Oh, shit! Ah, that hurt like shit!
Samantha: I know. That's why I distracted you first. Same principle as deflowering virgins.
Mitch: Huh? What? Virgin - ? What?
Samantha: Read it in this Harold Robbins book. Guy bites her on the ear. Distracts from the pain. Ever try that?
Mitch: No, no, I sock 'em in the jaw and yell, "Pop goes the weasel."
Share thisMitch Henessey: Question. You keep saying "I this", "I that". Like well
[pause]
Mitch Henessey: it's like you don't need me anymore.
Charlie: [looks at Mitch] Good point.
[opens passenger side door]
Mitch Henessey: Hey, hey
[Charlie kicks him out of the car]
Mitch Henessey: HEY!
[Mitch rolls a couple times and ends up on the sidewalk]
Share thisCharlie: Chefs do that.
Share thisCharlie: Die screaming motherfucker.
Share thisMitch Henessey: You foxy bitch.
Share thisCharlie: Suck my dick, every one of you bastards.
Share thisCharlie: Goddamn it. You're early. So Perkins wants me dead, huh? What's the rush? Why don't you just go away and come back at midnight? Shoo.
Alley Agent: Hey, honey, this is a real big fucking gun.
Mitch Henessey: This ain't no ham on rye pal.
Charlie: What the hell are you doing?
Mitch Henessey: Saving your life. I would have been here sooner, but I was thinkin' up that 'ham on rye' line.
Share thisMitch Henessey: How did you find us?
Nathan: There may be many reasons not to kill you, but among them is not that you'll be missed by NASA. I found the address in your coat. Here. Between the address of a topless bar, and the picture of what looks like a man's penis.
Mitch Henessey: That's a duck, not a dick.
Share thisSamantha: It's like I'm in goddamn prison. Do you know how that feels?
Mitch Henessey: "YEAH. YEAH, I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT THAT'S LIKE. FOUR YEARS inside, Marion, Illinois. A REAL shithole. AND I'M NOT GOING BACK."
Share thisLuke (A.K.A. Daedalus): A woman's face never looks quite so beautiful as when it's distended in pain. Witness the beauty of childbirth.
Share this[Charly jumps over a fence with a rifle and surprises Raymond]
Charlie: Good morning, Raymond.
Raymond: Good morning, Miss Caine.
Charlie: What have we learned about the dangers of smoking? Give it here. Thanks. Tell anyone you saw me... I'll blow your fucking head off.
Share this[Nathan says that Samantha Caine was a fantasy]
Charlie: No. It's not a fantasy. I'm in the goddamn P.T.A...
Share thisCaitlin, Caine: Mommy, I hit my head!
Share thisTimothy: And Charlie... you fuck with me, I'll blind the kid and shoot out her knees.
Share thisCaitlin Caine: [sitting in the car, Mitch driving away from the chemical explosion, cars falling out of the sky] Don't hit the cars!
Share thisMitch: I'm goin' in.
Charlie: You can't there's too many of them.
Mitch: Well kill them for me, bitch! What else you good for?
Share thisMitch: You're telling me that you're gonna fake some terrorist thing, just to scare some money out of Congress?
Leland Perkins: Well, unfortunately, Mr. Hennessey, I have no idea how to fake killing 4,000 people - so we're just gonna have to do it for real. Blame it on the Muslims, naturally. Then I get my funding.
Share thisMitch Henessey: Don't give me attitude, sir.
Share this[Nathan hands his gun to Charlie, then pulls out a second]
Mitch: Jesus, old man, how many of those you got?
Nathan: Three. One shoulder, one hip and one down here, right next to Mr. Wally, where most patdowns never reveal it, as even the most hardened federal agent is often reluctant to feel up another man's groin. Any other questions?
Mitch: Yeah. What's the weather like on your planet?
Share thisMitch: 'Cause I'm a bad motherfucker !
Share thisMitch: [singing to the song "I'd Really Love To See You Tonight" on the radio] I'm not talking 'bout the linen... And I don't wanna change your life...
Samantha: Movin' in.
Samantha: Huh?
Samantha: It's not linen. The song's not about linen.
Mitch: Whatever. You cold?
Samantha: I'm freezing.
Mitch: Turn on the heater. It doesn't work, but it makes a very annoying noise which distracts from the cold.
Samantha: I'll pass.
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