Quotes

Mitch: The last time I got blown, candy bars cost a nickel.

Mitch Henessey: [singing] Putting the keys in my left pocket. Hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm. Gun in the right-hand side.

Samantha Caine: It makes a bulge, people can see.

Mitch Henessey: Ya want me to stick it in my pants and shoot my damn dick off?

Samantha Caine: Now you're a sharpshooter?

Caitlin Caine: Mommy, am I gonna die?

Charlie: Oh, no, baby, no. You're not going to die. They are. Cover your ears. Hey, should we get a dog?

Charlie: I'm leaving the country, Mitch. I need a fake passport and I need money, lots of it.

Mitch: Well why didn't you say so? Hold on a minute while I pull that outta my ass.

Charlie: You couldn't hit a lake if you were standing on the bottom.

Hal: I don't smoke, I don't drink and I don't swear. Oh shit, I DO smoke and drink!

Charlie: They're gonna blow my head off, you know. This is the last time I'll ever be pretty.

Alley Agent: Good evening, pretty lady. How 'bout some company?

Charlie: No thanks. I'm saving myself 'til I get raped.

Nathan: Alice, please. Your dog, Alice. It and my appetite are mutually exclusive.

Alice: Well, what's wrong with the dog?

Nathan: Simple. He's been licking his asshole for the last three straight hours. I submit to you that there is nothing there worth more than an hour's attention. I should think that whatever he is attempting to dislodge is either gone for good, or there to stay. Wouldn't you agree?

Charlie: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Mitch Henessey: I hope not, 'cause I'm thinking how much my balls hurt.

Mitch Henessey: ...everyone knows, when you make an assumption, you make an ass out of "u" and "umption".

Mitch Henessey: I'm always frank and earnest with women. Uh, in New York I'm Frank, and Chicago I'm Ernest.

Samantha: I know he has a pin in his leg, car accident. I... I know he cuts his own hair. He doesn't even own a TV. He... he sits when he pees...

Mitch: Hey, hey, hey. That's enough, I'm gettin' a boner here, all right?

Mitch: And what about your daughter, what's her name... Cathead?

Samantha: Caitlin.

Charlie: Chefs do that.

Mitch Henessey: You foxy bitch.

Charlie: Suck my dick, every one of you bastards.

Mitch Henessey: How did you find us?

Nathan: There may be many reasons not to kill you, but among them is not that you'll be missed by NASA. I found the address in your coat. Here. Between the address of a topless bar, and the picture of what looks like a man's penis.

Mitch Henessey: That's a duck, not a dick.

Luke (A.K.A. Daedalus): A woman's face never looks quite so beautiful as when it's distended in pain. Witness the beauty of childbirth.

[Nathan says that Samantha Caine was a fantasy]

Charlie: No. It's not a fantasy. I'm in the goddamn P.T.A...

Caitlin, Caine: Mommy, I hit my head!

Caitlin Caine: [sitting in the car, Mitch driving away from the chemical explosion, cars falling out of the sky] Don't hit the cars!

Mitch: You're telling me that you're gonna fake some terrorist thing, just to scare some money out of Congress?

Leland Perkins: Well, unfortunately, Mr. Hennessey, I have no idea how to fake killing 4,000 people - so we're just gonna have to do it for real. Blame it on the Muslims, naturally. Then I get my funding.

[Nathan hands his gun to Charlie, then pulls out a second]

Mitch: Jesus, old man, how many of those you got?

Nathan: Three. One shoulder, one hip and one down here, right next to Mr. Wally, where most patdowns never reveal it, as even the most hardened federal agent is often reluctant to feel up another man's groin. Any other questions?

Mitch: Yeah. What's the weather like on your planet?

Mitch: [singing to the song "I'd Really Love To See You Tonight" on the radio] I'm not talking 'bout the linen... And I don't wanna change your life...

Samantha: Movin' in.

Samantha: Huh?

Samantha: It's not linen. The song's not about linen.

Mitch: Whatever. You cold?

Samantha: I'm freezing.

Mitch: Turn on the heater. It doesn't work, but it makes a very annoying noise which distracts from the cold.

Samantha: I'll pass.