Mitch: The last time I got blown, candy bars cost a nickel.
[showing his knife to a woman and her kids]
Timothy: You're about to have 2.4 children.
Mitch Henessey: [singing] Putting the keys in my left pocket. Hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm. Gun in the right-hand side.
Samantha Caine: It makes a bulge, people can see.
Mitch Henessey: Ya want me to stick it in my pants and shoot my damn dick off?
Samantha Caine: Now you're a sharpshooter?
Charlie: ...It ain't over. You're going to die screaming... and I'm going to watch. Am I telling the truth?
Caitlin Caine: Mommy, am I gonna die?
Charlie: Oh, no, baby, no. You're not going to die. They are. Cover your ears. Hey, should we get a dog?
Mitch: So, you cold?
Charlie: Yeah. Freezing.
Mitch: Turn on the heat. It doesn't work, but it makes a very annoying noise - distracts from the cold.
Charlie: I'm leaving the country, Mitch. I need a fake passport and I need money, lots of it.
Mitch: Well why didn't you say so? Hold on a minute while I pull that outta my ass.
Charlie: I let you touch me, cowboy. I think I need a bath.
Charlie: You couldn't hit a lake if you were standing on the bottom.
Charlie: Life is pain. Get used to it.
Hal: I don't smoke, I don't drink and I don't swear. Oh shit, I DO smoke and drink!
Mitch Henessey: What I'm saying is, back when we first met, you were all like "Oh phooey, I burned the darn muffins." Now, you go into a bar, ten minutes later, sailors come runnin' out. What up with that?
Charlie: They're gonna blow my head off, you know. This is the last time I'll ever be pretty.
Mitch Henessey: I never did one thing right in my life, you know that? Not one. That takes skill.
Alley Agent: Good evening, pretty lady. How 'bout some company?
Charlie: No thanks. I'm saving myself 'til I get raped.
Samantha Caine: What, are you a Mormon?
Mitch Henessey: Yes, I'm a Mormon. That's why I just smoked a pack of Newport and drank three vodka tonics.
Nathan: Alice, please. Your dog, Alice. It and my appetite are mutually exclusive.
Alice: Well, what's wrong with the dog?
Nathan: Simple. He's been licking his asshole for the last three straight hours. I submit to you that there is nothing there worth more than an hour's attention. I should think that whatever he is attempting to dislodge is either gone for good, or there to stay. Wouldn't you agree?
Charlie: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Mitch Henessey: I hope not, 'cause I'm thinking how much my balls hurt.
Mitch Henessey: ...everyone knows, when you make an assumption, you make an ass out of "u" and "umption".
Mitch Henessey: We jumped out of a building.
Nathan: Yes, it was very exciting. Tomorrow we go to the zoo.
Charlie: You're Waldman.
Nathan: No, I'm the Hill Brothers bean buyer. Who else would I be? Hang on. If you want me to talk in front of him, you may be asked... to kill him later. It works for me. Your call.
Mitch Henessey: I'm always frank and earnest with women. Uh, in New York I'm Frank, and Chicago I'm Ernest.
Samantha: Easy, sport. I got myself outta Beirut once, I think I can get outta New Jersey.
Mitch: Yeah? Well, don't be so sure. Others have tried and failed. The entire population, in fact.
Samantha: I know he has a pin in his leg, car accident. I... I know he cuts his own hair. He doesn't even own a TV. He... he sits when he pees...
Mitch: Hey, hey, hey. That's enough, I'm gettin' a boner here, all right?
Mitch: Oh, shit! Ah, that hurt like shit!
Samantha: I know. That's why I distracted you first. Same principle as deflowering virgins.
Mitch: Huh? What? Virgin - ? What?
Samantha: Read it in this Harold Robbins book. Guy bites her on the ear. Distracts from the pain. Ever try that?
Mitch: No, no, I sock 'em in the jaw and yell, "Pop goes the weasel."
Mitch Henessey: Question. You keep saying "I this", "I that". Like well
Mitch Henessey: it's like you don't need me anymore.
Charlie: [looks at Mitch] Good point.
[opens passenger side door]
Mitch Henessey: Hey, hey
[Charlie kicks him out of the car]
Mitch Henessey: HEY!
[Mitch rolls a couple times and ends up on the sidewalk]
Charlie: Chefs do that.
Charlie: Die screaming motherfucker.
Mitch Henessey: You foxy bitch.
Unknown henchman: I'm hurt real bad. I think I'm dying.
Timothy: Continue dying. Out.
Charlie: Suck my dick, every one of you bastards.
Charlie: Goddamn it. You're early. So Perkins wants me dead, huh? What's the rush? Why don't you just go away and come back at midnight? Shoo.
Alley Agent: Hey, honey, this is a real big fucking gun.
Mitch Henessey: This ain't no ham on rye pal.
Charlie: What the hell are you doing?
Mitch Henessey: Saving your life. I would have been here sooner, but I was thinkin' up that 'ham on rye' line.
Mitch Henessey: How did you find us?
Nathan: There may be many reasons not to kill you, but among them is not that you'll be missed by NASA. I found the address in your coat. Here. Between the address of a topless bar, and the picture of what looks like a man's penis.
Mitch Henessey: That's a duck, not a dick.
Samantha: It's like I'm in goddamn prison. Do you know how that feels?
Mitch Henessey: "YEAH. YEAH, I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT THAT'S LIKE. FOUR YEARS inside, Marion, Illinois. A REAL shithole. AND I'M NOT GOING BACK."
Luke (A.K.A. Daedalus): A woman's face never looks quite so beautiful as when it's distended in pain. Witness the beauty of childbirth.
[Charly jumps over a fence with a rifle and surprises Raymond]
Charlie: Good morning, Raymond.
Raymond: Good morning, Miss Caine.
Charlie: What have we learned about the dangers of smoking? Give it here. Thanks. Tell anyone you saw me... I'll blow your fucking head off.
[Nathan says that Samantha Caine was a fantasy]
Charlie: No. It's not a fantasy. I'm in the goddamn P.T.A...
Caitlin, Caine: Mommy, I hit my head!
Timothy: And Charlie... you fuck with me, I'll blind the kid and shoot out her knees.
Caitlin Caine: [sitting in the car, Mitch driving away from the chemical explosion, cars falling out of the sky] Don't hit the cars!
Mitch: I'm goin' in.
Charlie: You can't there's too many of them.
Mitch: Well kill them for me, bitch! What else you good for?
Mitch: You're telling me that you're gonna fake some terrorist thing, just to scare some money out of Congress?
Leland Perkins: Well, unfortunately, Mr. Hennessey, I have no idea how to fake killing 4,000 people - so we're just gonna have to do it for real. Blame it on the Muslims, naturally. Then I get my funding.
Mitch Henessey: Don't give me attitude, sir.
[Nathan hands his gun to Charlie, then pulls out a second]
Mitch: Jesus, old man, how many of those you got?
Nathan: Three. One shoulder, one hip and one down here, right next to Mr. Wally, where most patdowns never reveal it, as even the most hardened federal agent is often reluctant to feel up another man's groin. Any other questions?
Mitch: Yeah. What's the weather like on your planet?
Mitch: 'Cause I'm a bad motherfucker !
Mitch: [singing to the song "I'd Really Love To See You Tonight" on the radio] I'm not talking 'bout the linen... And I don't wanna change your life...
Samantha: Movin' in.
Samantha: It's not linen. The song's not about linen.
Mitch: Whatever. You cold?
Samantha: I'm freezing.
Mitch: Turn on the heater. It doesn't work, but it makes a very annoying noise which distracts from the cold.
Samantha: I'll pass.