Roy:
WHO YOU CALLIN' PSYCHO?
Roy:
How about a gross of fluorescent condoms for the the novelty machine in the men's room? I mean, those are fun even when you're alone. We're talkin' the hula hoop of the nineties.
Lancaster Bowl Manager:
Look, I've told you. We don't need nuthin'. We don't even have a novelty machine in the men's room anymore.
Roy:
And you call yourselves a bowling alley?
Roy:
Some of the dresses ya' got, ya' need two hairdos to wear.
Neighbor:
Hey Roy, can you get sick from drinking piss?
Roy:
I think you can.
Neighbor:
Even if its your own?
ESPN Announcer:
So Roy, where have you been for the last fifteen years?
Roy:
Well, I uh, well, ya see, I uh... Drinking. Lot a drinking.
ESPN Announcer:
I see. Well, are you still drinking?
Roy:
No. I uh... I put... uh... Why, you buying?
Ishmael:
You been drinking, Mr. Munson?
Roy:
I don't puke when I drink. I puke when I don't.
Mr. Boorg:
How many children do you have?
Roy:
None that I know of. I mean, I'm unable to have children. Nasty cheese grating accident as a boy.
Roy:
Hey, I hope you don't mind, I got up a little early, so I took the liberty of milking your cow for you. Yeah, it took a little while to get her warmed up, she sure is a stubborn one, whew.
[
Takes a drink from the bucket]
Mr. Boorg:
We don't have a cow. We have a bull.
Roy:
I'm gonna brush my teeth.
Roy:
Just because you're familiar with the missionary position doesn't make you a missionary.
Claudia:
Look, Mr. Munster, you're not exactly the smartest guy I ever ran across.
Roy:
Oh yeah? And who are you, Alfred Einstein?
Landlady:
What is it about good sex that makes me have to crap? You really jarred something loose tiger.
[
On smoking]
Ishmael:
You should try to quit. They say its bad for your heart, your lungs. It quickens the aging process.
Roy:
Who's done more research than the good people at the American Tobacco Industry? They say its harmless. Why would they lie? If you're dead, you can't smoke.
Ishmael:
Whatcha doin', Mr. Munson?
Roy:
Flossin'.
Ishmael:
Flossin? Where the hell did I get "Munson"?
Roy:
The name's Munson, what I'm doin' is flossin'.
Roy:
I know what you're thinking, but let me explain...
[
Claudia kicks Roy in the crotch]
Roy:
[
very softly] Mommy. You must have a really wide foot because you got both of them
[
refering to Roy's hook for a hand]
Claudia:
It must be hard to spank your monkey.
Ishmael:
You have a monkey?
Roy:
Take that, you freaky piece of shit. You don't mow another guy's lawn.
Roy:
Thomas can raise a barn, but can he pick up a 7-10 split?
Ishmael:
God blessed my brother to be a good carpenter. It's okay.
Roy:
Yeah, well he blessed you, too, and I'll give you a hint what it is. It's round, has three holes, and you put your fingers into it.
Ishmael:
You leave Rebecca out of this.
Ernie McCracken:
You're on a gravy train with biscuit wheels.
[
Roy Munson is getting ready for his turn to bowl]
Ernie McCracken:
It all comes down to this roll. Roy Munson, a man-child, with a dream to topple bowling giant Ernie McCracken. If he strikes, he's the 1979 Odor-Eaters Champion. He's got one foot in the frying pan and one in the pressure cooker. Believe me, as a bowler, I know that right about now, your bladder feels like an overstuffed vacuum cleaner bag and your butt is kinda like an about-to-explode bratwurst.
Roy:
Hey. Do you mind? I wasn't talking when you were bowling.
Ernie McCracken:
Was I talking out loud? Was I? Sorry. Good luck.
McKnight Bowl Bartender:
So, you two are dictionary salesmen?
Roy:
You would be punctilious in assuming that."
Ishmael:
Run for the hills everybody, there's a giant shit-cloud coming.
Roy:
That coffee wasn't even hot.
[
takes a sip of coffee]
Roy:
Now, that's hot.
Mr. Boorg:
Ishmael always was a strange boy, but he means well.
Claudia:
Ishmael likes me.
Roy:
I promise you, you're not his type.
Claudia:
Oh, I'm his type. I'm every guy's type.
Ernie McCracken:
Sometimes a bowler just has to face the music.
Roy:
[
quietly] Shh, be quiet.
[
he trips and falls]
Roy:
Oww, I think I tore my sack.
Ishmael:
[
loudly] Are you OK Mr. Munson?
Roy:
Shh, what did I just say?
Ishmael:
Uh, I think I tore my sack.
Claudia:
He said handSOME, not handLESS.
Ishmael:
Hi Mr. Skidmark.
Ernie McCracken:
Hi... not you... hi.
Little boy:
Sometimes when I wake up in the morning Mr. McCracken's already there.
Ernie McCracken:
It's a small world when you've got unbelievable tits Roy.
Ernie McCracken:
Tanqueray and Tab and keep 'em comin'.
Ernie McCracken:
One more time, sweetness.
Man in bowling alley:
Come on, boy. Bowl!
Roy:
My name's not boy. It's Roy.
[
makes a spare]
Roy:
Roy Munson.
Ernie McCracken:
Do me a favor, will you? Would you mind washing off that perfume before you come back to our table?
Ishmael:
I don't drink coffee.
Roy:
Why not?
Ishmael:
It's a stimulant.
Roy:
What the hell do you think cigarettes are?
Ishmael:
They are?
[
Roy nods]
Ishmael:
All right, make it extra large, two sugars, lots of cream. *Lots* of cream.
Ishmael:
Okay, you want to bowl for some big money, eh? But I'll lose my entire bonus check because I'm so *bombed*.
McKnight Bowl Bartender:
You get that way from ginger ale?
Roy:
Nah, he was sniffing glue in the parking lot.
Ishmael:
Ten frames?
[
scoffs]
Ishmael:
That's for Quakers.
Ishmael:
No way. Uh-huh. There's no way I can bet. It's against my religion. I was raised to *not* be a gambler. There's no way I'm going to bet.
Roy:
Hey, hey, Ish. Ish! *Ish*!
Ishmael:
No. No! *No* way!
Roy:
Hey! Listen, you stupid banana head! You don't have to bet. I'll bet for you.
Ishmael:
Oh, that's cool. I mean, what's the worst that can happen?
[
Roy agrees by gesturing with his hook and then looks at it awkwardly]
Ishmael:
I didn't want to be the one to tell him, but with those narrow hips, that girl couldn't have more than 6 or 7 children!
[
snickering]
Roy:
Hey, Herbie! How's life?
Scranton Wino:
Taking forever.
Roy:
The world can really kick your ass. I only have a VAGUE recollection of when it wasn't kickin' mine.
Extra:
Bye Brother Munson, bye Whore.
Claudia:
Your act is about as fresh as a Foghat concert.
Ishmael:
Some corn stalks were broken and I tried to fix them.
Ernie McCracken:
Jonathan, run a fly pattern all the way to the goal line.
Ernie McCracken:
[
he snaps the mom's skirt] Tennessee! Kentucky! Find the meat! Uh, deeper, Jonathan.
Ernie McCracken:
The Munson.
Roy:
Big Ern. Long time.
Ernie McCracken:
I'll say. Probably a year for every topping on the table. I heard a horrible rumor...
Ernie McCracken:
[
looks at Roy's prosthetic rubber hand] Oh, creepy! I'm sorry. You know, for the first couple years, I felt responsible. How you been otherwise?
Roy:
You know, in the last 17 years, a day hasn't gone by that I haven't thought about what I'd say to you if I ever ran into you again.
Ernie McCracken:
I bet!
Ernie McCracken:
[
notices Claudia] Hello.
Silver Legacy Maid:
[
Roy and Ishmael are trying to find Claudia and have rushed to her hotel room, only to find two maids making up the bed.] She checked out. She left with two guys.
Roy:
Two guys like us?
Silver Legacy Maid:
No, they were good looking.
Related Links
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