Wally's wife: Kids, where's your Father?
Daughter: He's upstairs masturbating to gay porn.
Wally's wife: Again?
Scientist: I've invented a pill that gives worms to ex-girlfriends.
Don: Uh, right, and what's positive about that?
Scientist: Well, it's a pill that gives worms to ex-girlfriends.
Don: Couldn't it also give worms to ex-boyfriends?
Scientist: This is a drug... for the world... to give worms to ex-girlfriends.
Don: Well, great. Thanks for stopping by.
Scientist: You just don't get it here! Huhoooo!
Cabbie: When I was a little boy, my mother used to sing me a song. It went like this: "Life is short, life is shit, and soon it will be over."
Raymond Hurdicure: Sorry we're a few hours late, there, Ma, but you know how the kids... uh... hate old people.
Wally's wife: Were the handcuffs totally necessary, officer?
Cop: Well, actually, that was your husband's idea.
Wally: Doctor, why do those types
[motions with hands]
Wally: keep thinking that I'm one of them?
Psychiatrist: Well, Wally, because you *are* one of them. You are gay. You are gay. You are a homosexual. The opposite of straight, you're gay. I know it. Your family knows it. DOGS know it! Everyone seems to know it except you.
Dr. Chris Cooper: Cat on my head.
Dr. Chris Cooper: Cat on my head!
Mrs. Hurdicure: [looking at drug] What will this do?
Dr. Cooper: Well, it reaches into your brain "chemically," and then it locates your happiest memory "chemically," then it locks onto that emotion and freezes it "chemically," and then it keeps you happy, happy.
Baxter: Chris? She's depressed, not stupid!
Cisco: Okay, I was driving around last night in my sixty-two thousand dollar car. And I was trying to think of a name for the drug, then it hit me.
Don Roritor: The name?
Cisco: No a bird, it hit my windshield. When that happened, I got depressed.
Natalie: Not you, Cisco!
Cisco: Yeah, even me. But as soon as I got depressed, I got undepressed. 'Cause as I was cleaning the gleaming guts of that bird off my car, I thought of a name for the drug - Gleemonex. The slogan - Gleemonex makes it feel like it seventy-two degrees in your head... all... the... time!
White Trash Man: Baby... get in the vehicle, baby!
White Trash Woman: I'm not getting in that vehicle!
White Trash Man: Baby, this is my gift to you!
White Trash Woman: What? Gift? That's not a gift, you freakin' stole this!
White Trash Man: I stole it to make it up to you, baby.
White Trash Woman: [sobbing] Well, tell me this, then - how could you sleep with my best friend and then tell me about it?
White Trash Man: Sure I told you about it, baby, but don't shoot the messenger!
Drill sergeant: You... are... scum! Do you hear me soldier?
Wally: Yes, sir!
Drill sergeant: Do you know what we are going to be doing today?
Wally: No, sir!
Drill sergeant: We are going to be doing push-ups all day, you and me, all day!
Drill sergeant: Do you think that's funny soldier?
Wally: No, sir!
Drill sergeant: Well, just for that, you are going to be doing those push-ups with me lying on your back! You are going to discover muscles, you never knew you had! Big... muscles, hard... muscles!
Wally: Oh, yesss, sir!
[Wally's squad is watching naked men shower]
Drill sergeant: [to Wally] You go over there and Fuck 'em. We'll stay here and Masturbate. Go, go, go!
Nina Bedford: When we come back we're going to give Dr. Cooper a complete makeover.
Dr. Chris Cooper: [holding out cappuccino cup to assistant] My cap is luke.
Assistant: Lukewarm, Chris?
Cisco: No, Luke Skywalker, you fuckin' inbred.
Placebo Patient: No. It's been two weeks and I don't feel any different. All I've done is gain eight pounds. Now, what's in this?
Baxter: Oh, a little of this and a little of that. Open
Placebo Patient: It's sugar isn't it?
Placebo Patient: I'm in the placebo group.
Cabbie: So there go, you have your happy ending. Now get out! Because nowhere on your ticket does it say that you can sleep here!
Alice: Hello, is your *uncle* home?
Cooper's groupie: Uncle? Oh, yeah. Just a moment.
Cooper's groupie: [calls upstairs suggestively] Uncle Chris!
Dr. Chris Cooper: Uncle? What, are we playing *that* game again?
Cop #1: Hey, didya see that, uh, Nina Bedford show this morning?
Cop #2: Yeah, that uh... thing about toast-fucking.
Cop #1: ...toast-fucking?
Cop #2: Yeah - it's the new thing where you fuck or get fucked with toast.
Cop #1: No, the... the show this morning was about that new drug.
Cop #2: Oh. Must have been a dream I had.
Grivo: I just heard about this new drug that makes you happy, I just wanna say,
Grivo: ... FUCK happy!
[after being brought home by the police]
Wally: There's a perfectly reasonable explanation for this.
Wally's wife: Please don't.
Wally: Well, I was out driving. 'Cause you know how much I love driving. When suddenly, I had to take the *biggest pee in the world*! So I went to this washroom...
[Wally's family goes inside and locks him out]
Wally: ...but it was full of those *types*! You know. QUEERS and QUEENIES and...
Cabbie: So what does this whole story mean? The only way to be happy is to know you won't be happy every single day. Lalalalalala. It sounds better in the original Croatian.
Don Roritor: Your drug is effectively changing the world for the better. It's important that you know that. Have you heard that crack is gone? Crime is down... and oddly enough, so is tourism.
Dr. Chris Cooper's Dad: Did you clean the house? Yeah, good boy. Did you clean the office? Yeah, good. How about the gun? Did you clean the gun?
[Wanders in, drops his briefcase. A shot is fired]
Dr. Chris Cooper's Dad: Ah! My foot!
Dr. Chris Cooper's Dad: Ah! My other foot!
Dr. Chris Cooper: The drug was for people who couldn't get off the floor.
Old Guy in Studio Audience: I want to be a scientist just like you. Any advice?
Dr. Chris Cooper: Er... work hard and stay in school!
Dr. Chris Cooper: Doesn't anyone want to know how the drug works chemically?
Don Roritor: May I have the room for a moment? My empire is CRUMBLING!
Assistant: This is the real party, Chris.
Scientist: Please don't take my monkeys!
Scientist: [as he's dragged away] It was only a couple of flipper-babies!
Don: Anything I can get you? Double-A batteries? Land in Montana?