Quotes

[looking into a microscope]

Alice: This urine is great!

Cabbie: When I was a little boy, my mother used to sing me a song. It went like this: "Life is short, life is shit, and soon it will be over."

Raymond Hurdicure: So I hear dad's dead. Hey, is that egg nog?

Wally: Doctor, why do those types

[motions with hands]

Wally: keep thinking that I'm one of them?

Psychiatrist: Well, Wally, because you *are* one of them. You are gay. You are gay. You are a homosexual. The opposite of straight, you're gay. I know it. Your family knows it. DOGS know it! Everyone seems to know it except you.

Mrs. Hurdicure: [looking at drug] What will this do?

Dr. Cooper: Well, it reaches into your brain "chemically," and then it locates your happiest memory "chemically," then it locks onto that emotion and freezes it "chemically," and then it keeps you happy, happy.

Baxter: Chris? She's depressed, not stupid!

Cisco: Okay, I was driving around last night in my sixty-two thousand dollar car. And I was trying to think of a name for the drug, then it hit me.

Don Roritor: The name?

Cisco: No a bird, it hit my windshield. When that happened, I got depressed.

Natalie: Not you, Cisco!

Cisco: Yeah, even me. But as soon as I got depressed, I got undepressed. 'Cause as I was cleaning the gleaming guts of that bird off my car, I thought of a name for the drug - Gleemonex. The slogan - Gleemonex makes it feel like it seventy-two degrees in your head... all... the... time!

Drill sergeant: You... are... scum! Do you hear me soldier?

Wally: Yes, sir!

Drill sergeant: Do you know what we are going to be doing today?

Wally: No, sir!

Drill sergeant: We are going to be doing push-ups all day, you and me, all day!

[Wally smiles]

Drill sergeant: Do you think that's funny soldier?

Wally: No, sir!

Drill sergeant: Well, just for that, you are going to be doing those push-ups with me lying on your back! You are going to discover muscles, you never knew you had! Big... muscles, hard... muscles!

Wally: Oh, yesss, sir!

Cabbie: Ya know, the pills are made of monkey cum.

Nina Bedford: When we come back we're going to give Dr. Cooper a complete makeover.

Placebo Patient: No. It's been two weeks and I don't feel any different. All I've done is gain eight pounds. Now, what's in this?

Baxter: Oh, a little of this and a little of that. Open

Placebo Patient: It's sugar isn't it?

[shouts]

Placebo Patient: I'm in the placebo group.

Alice: Hello, is your *uncle* home?

Cooper's groupie: Uncle? Oh, yeah. Just a moment.

Cooper's groupie: [calls upstairs suggestively] Uncle Chris!

Dr. Chris Cooper: Uncle? What, are we playing *that* game again?

Grivo: I just heard about this new drug that makes you happy, I just wanna say,

[long pause]

Grivo: ... FUCK happy!

Cabbie: So what does this whole story mean? The only way to be happy is to know you won't be happy every single day. Lalalalalala. It sounds better in the original Croatian.

Dr. Chris Cooper's Dad: Did you clean the house? Yeah, good boy. Did you clean the office? Yeah, good. How about the gun? Did you clean the gun?

[Wanders in, drops his briefcase. A shot is fired]

Dr. Chris Cooper's Dad: Ah! My foot!

[Another shot]

Dr. Chris Cooper's Dad: Ah! My other foot!

Old Guy in Studio Audience: I want to be a scientist just like you. Any advice?

Dr. Chris Cooper: Er... work hard and stay in school!

Don Roritor: May I have the room for a moment? My empire is CRUMBLING!

Assistant: This is the real party, Chris.

Scientist: [as he's dragged away] It was only a couple of flipper-babies!