[Jack, with the appearance of a 72-year old but only 18 years old, arrives at his graduation ceremony]
Lawrence Woodruff: [addressing the audience] Ladies and gentleman, it is my honor to introduce this year's valedictorian, Jack Charles Powell.
[a round of applause approves of this choice]
Jack: [taking the stand] Thank you, Aristotle.
[Due to his aged condition he has to take out spectacles to read the speech]
Eric: Yo Jack, go get 'em!
Jack: I got it, Eric. I'm cool... I don't have very much time these days so I'll make it quick. Like my life. You know, as we come to the end of this phase of our life, we find ourselves trying to remember the good times and trying to forget the bad times, and we find ourselves thinking about the future. We start to worry , thinking, "What am I gonna do? Where am I gonna be in ten years?" But I say to you, "Hey, look at me!" Please, don't worry so much. Because in the end, none of us have very long on this Earth. Life is fleeting. And if you're ever distressed, cast your eyes to the summer sky when the stars are strung across the velvety night. And when a shooting star streaks through the blackness, turning night into day... make a wish and think of me. Make your life spectacular. I know I did. I made it, Mom. I'm a grown up.
Lawrence Woodruff: You know why I like to teach children, Jack? So I don't get so wrapped up in being an adult. So I can remember there are other things that are important in life - like riding a bike, playing in a treehouse, splashing in water with your good shoes on. And you, my friend, were my most special student. And until recently, you were everything I ever wanted in a student. You were a shooting star amongst ordinary stars. Have you ever seen a shooting star, Jack?
Lawrence Woodruff: It's wonderful. It passes quickly, but while it's here it just lights up the whole sky - it's the most beautiful thing you'd ever want to see. So beautiful that the other stars stop and watch. You almost never see one.
Jack: Why not?
Lawrence Woodruff: Beacuse they're very rare. Quite rare. But I saw one. I did.
Jack: I just want to be a regular star.
Lawrence Woodruff: Jack, you'll never be regular. You're spectacular.
Louis: [reading his essay to the class] I want to be just like my best friend when I grow up. He's only ten but he looks much older. He's like the perfect grown-up because on the inside, he's still just a kid. He's not afraid to learn things or try things, or to meet new people the way most grown-ups are. It's like he's looking at everything for the first time - because he is. And most grown-ups aren't like that. Most grown-ups just wanna go to work and make money and show off for the neighbors. And more than anything, he knows how to be a great friend, more than most people that look like adults. So I might not know what I wanna be when I grow up, and right now I really don't care. But I do know who I wanna be like. I wanna be like the giant. The big guy. My best friend. Jack. Thank you.
George: I want to be a gynecologist.
Miss Marquez: If that's so then I want good reasons why.
George: *You're* the reason why, Miss Marquez.
[it is decided Jack is to go to school]
Karen Powell: You sure he'll be all right?
Brian: Honey, he'll be fine.
[they kiss Jack and go to bed]
Brian: [to himself] It's the rest of the world I'm worried about.
Karen Powell: Woodruff doesn't know what he's talking about.
Brian: If he doesn't know what he's talking about, then why are we paying him all this money to tutor Jack?
Karen Powell: I blame him for filling Jack's head with all these ideas of going to school.
Brian: Imagine that, a teacher wanting a kid to go to school.
Principal McGee: I'm Mr. McGee. I've heard so much about you, Jack.
Jack: Hi, Mr. Magoo.
Principal McGee: McGee.
Principal McGee: Yes.
Karen Powell: You know how children are. They make fun of a fat kid or a kid who wears glasses. What do you think they're going to do to a six-foot hairy kid?
Bartender: What? What do you want?
Jack: I'll have uh... Shirley Temple with extra Marciano cherries
Bartender: [correcting him] Maraschino.
Jack: That's what I said, Maras-*CHINO.*
Paulie: Get him a Madonna. Know who Madonna is right?
Paulie: Shirley Temple without the cherry.
Brian: You know I was just thinking about the first time you ever rode a bike. Remember that?
Jack: Oh yeah.
Brian: You were so determined to ride. You kept wiping out and nearly took out a couple of the neighbors. It took a couple days until you finally got it, and look at you now! I mean, you're riding like a pro!
George: [in the boy's treehouse looking at an adult magazine] Hey Jack, ever get a boner? You know, an erector.
Jack: Not yet, I'm hoping to get one for Christmas.
John-John: [the kids are looking at an adult magazine] You think our moms look like that?
George: Nah, only Penthouse girls look like that. They're special. I mean like, they come from a special part of the country or something.
Jack: Hey guys, I brought a friend, okay? This is Mr. Woodruff.
Eddie: Are you ten, too?
Lawrence Woodruff: Uh, well if you ask my wife. No I'm afraid I'm just a regular, garden-variety old fart.
Jack: Miss Marquez, I was thinking that maybe if you didn't have anything to do, you might want to go to the dance with me. It'd be really, really fun.
Miss Marquez: Oh, Jackie.
Jack: So you wanna go? My mom will drive us.
Miss Marquez: Jack, you don't wanna go with me. I'm an old lady.
Jack: That's why. That's why I wanna go with you. I can't go with the girls my age, because I look so much older than them. You look just like me.
[moves in quickly, kisses her on the lips and smiles nervously]
Miss Marquez: [stunned] Jackie. Jack. You are still a very young man, up here
[motions to his head]
Miss Marquez: . I know I look closer to your age than the girls in class, you're right about that.
Jack: So what time should my mom and I pick you up?
Miss Marquez: [she becomes blunt] Jack, you are my student, and I am your teacher. And teachers and students don't go to dances together. Do you understand that?
Jack: [tearing up] Please?
Miss Marquez: No. I'm sorry honey. It just wouldn't be right.
[Jack begins to cry and runs out of the classroom]
Jack: [rambling into the phone really fast] Hey dad! I got to play basketball today. They picked me! Not just because I'm humongous, because I'm real good. Yeah I scored a thousand points. Yeah right it was only a hundred. I'm kidding it was fourteen. I scored! Yea, and I met this really cool kid named Louie. Not Louis, Louie. Yeah. His mom gave me some matches.
Brian: Okay slow down buddy, slow down.
Jack: Hey dad, Louie has some dirty magazines under his bed. What are dirty magazines? I got to be principal. Well, I pretended to be. And I got a lot of homework to do. I got a great homework assignment. And you know what? Miss Marquez ate one of my red gummybears and she said 'way to go,' but not because of the red gummybears. Because of the way I play basketball. Yeah it was great. She said Shaq better watch his back! She's what grandpa says is a real piece of work. She's really great. What are you doing?
Angry Man: That's the second time tonight! What are you stupid?
[Jack tries to walk away]
Angry Man: Woah woah, where you going? I want an apology!
Jack: I'm sorry.
Angry Man: No, no, no, that's not gonna be good enough, sorry.
Jack: Well, I said I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Jeez, what is it with you? What are you totally hyper or something. you eat too much sugar?
Angry Man: What, do you think you're pretty smart?
Jack: Yeah I do, got an A in everything except Social Studies.
Angry Man: Studies? How'd you like to study my fist?
Dolores: Hey hey hey, leave him alone, asshole. Come on, Mr. Powell.
Angry Man: What's the matter man? You gonna let your girlfriend here stand up for you?
Dolores: Just, let's go.
Jack: [Jack begins to deliver insults he heard on the playground] You know what your problem is, Mister? You have Exactly Disease.
Angry Man: What's that?
Jack: It's when your mouth smells EXACTLY LIKE YOUR BUTT!
Dolores: What, you get that from Louis? He always says that.
Angry Man: And you're a loser!
Jack: Oh yeah, losers say what?
Angry Man: What?
Jack: LOSER! Haha! Rubber, glue, sticks to you!
Dolores: What are you doing? This guy's very tough! Stop with this, let's go.
Angry Man: [getting very angry] I'm a loser? You're a son of a bitch!
Jack: I can't believe you said that! You cussed! Oh, you said the 'B' word! Oh, you're going to get in so much trouble! You really are!
Angry Man: [laughs] Here's some trouble!
[punches Jack in the face]
Jack: I'm not bald and I'm not a freak. You're a freak, four eyes.
Miss Marquez: We're gonna have to change your name from Jack to Shaq. Nice shooting, way to go!
Jack: What happened to Mr. McGee? I just talked to him on the phone.
Louis: I don't know what happened to Mr. McGee. Mr. Powell?
Jack: [pause] He got diarrhea.
Dolores: [disgusted] Diarrhea?
Jack: Yeah, he got diarrhea. And uh, he spewed. Threw up. And he had the squirts. He had diarrhea.
Dolores: Oh boy, that's more than I needed to know.
Principal McGee: Jack, how would you like to see your classroom?
Jack: [quietly] Yes.
Principal McGee: A little louder.
Jack: [even more quietly] Yes.
Principal McGee: A little louder, Jack.
Jack: [shouts loudly] YES!
Jack: [on the phone] I gotta go. I really got to go. Number one.
Louis: I kinda haven't done homework since the third grade.
Jack: Whoa, your dog must be pretty full.
Louis: You know what your problem is, Victor? You have Exactly Disease.
Victor: What's that?
Louis: It's when your mouth smells exactly like your butt!
Jack: [Phoebe pokes him with a stick] Ow, don't!
Phoebe: Are you a freak?
Phoebe: Oh. Well Jane says that you're a freak.
Jack: Who's Jane?
Jane: I'm Jane and I think you are a freak. Look at your hairy arms and your eyebrows and...
Phoebe: Yeah, he has receding hairline.
Jack: Well, I'm not a freak.
Jack: [to Louis' mom about Louis, pretending to be the principal] I would say he's probably the smartest kid in the whole school.
Jack: If not, maybe the smartest kid I've ever met.
Dolores: [writes her number on a matchbook] Here's my number at work. You can reach me there any time.
Jack: My mom said I shouldn't play with matches.
Phoebe: You don't look ten. Look, you've got the hairy arms. You've got hairy knuckles.
Jane: You look a lot older than us.
Phoebe: It looks like you shaved there.
Jack: Yeah, I do. So?
Phoebe: A ten year old doesn't shave! So then you can't be ten.
Jane: Yes, you can't be ten if you shave and you have hairy arms and you're tall, really tall, and you're bigger.
Jack: So, I'm big for my age.
Louis: Hey, I brought Jack. He's right down there.
John-John: You brought the freak?
Louis: He's not a freak.
John-John: You said he was a freak!
Louis: Yeah, I said wrong alright? Get over it. He's cool. He knows how to shoot hoops. And he did me a favor today. Here, check this out. Look what he picked up on the way over.
[pulls out a Penthouse magazine]
John-John: He bought that?
[he reaches for it but Louie pulls it away]
Louis: Eh eh!
John-John: No way.
Louis: Way! Walked right into the store and picked it up. No fear, nothing. My man's the man!
John-John: That is way cool.
Eddie: Wish I was a freak!
Louis: Hey, lay off the freak stuff, alright? Jack's cool. And you gotta let him kick it with us. If he walks, Penthouse walks too.
George: So Jack, you bought that magazine?
Jack: Yeah, I buy 'em all the time.
George: What about Hustler? You get Hustler?
Jack: If you want it.
Jack: Yeah, that and uh, you know, all the grown-up stuff that only grown-ups can read.
George: Cool! And they don't give you no trouble in buying them? I mean like they don't ask for ID?
Jack: No. You know, I just don't shave for a day and I look like I'm fifty.
Paulie: [about Dolores] Bet you could crack walnuts on her ass, too.
Dr. Lin: I want to assure you both that there is nothing debilitating about your son's condition. He's totally healthy, normal in appearance, alert and quite happy. However, his cells are developing at what we feel is four times the normal rate. Even though your son was only ten weeks old when he was born, physically he was nine months and ready to leave your womb.
Dr. Benfante: Nature has given us all an internal clock. It meters out lifespan; controls our growth. Your son's internal clock seems to be ticking faster than usual.
Officer at Jail: Let's just get your stuff here, you can go.
[empties a paper bag]
Officer at Jail: You've got a library card, pocket knife, Spiderman watch, Pez dispenser.
Jack: Where's my pog? It's a slammer.
[Officer dejectedly reaches into his pocket and pulls it out]