Flirting with Disaster (1996)
Mr. Coplin: San Diego has a big carjacking problem. They bump you, and when you stop, they mutilate you and take your car.
Agent Paul: You do know it is a federal offense to destroy a United States Post Office?
Mrs. Coplin: [hearing the name Schlicting on the phone] The Shit Kings?
Tina: Every marriage is vulnerable, otherwise being married wouldn't mean anything, would it?
Agent Tony: Do you mind if I look at your armpit?
Nancy Coplin: My armpit?
Agent Tony: It's my favorite part of a woman's body.
Mel: [to Agent Tony] You got a lot of nerve. You come in here, you lick my wife's armpit. You know... I'm going to have that image in my head for the rest of my life with your tongue in there.
Nancy Coplin: You deserve it.
Valerie Swaney: All children break things. All children are forgiven. It's a gift from God.
Nancy Coplin: Does anybody actually own a white Taurus, or are they all rentals?
Mrs. Coplin: Why does he have to do the Roots thing? Aren't we good enough parents?
Mary Schlichting: We love you very much. If you were Jeffrey Dahmer, we would still love you.
Mel: I don't think you know me well enough to call me "Neurotic Guy".
Tony: Where did you two come down on the whole circumcision controversy?
Tony: Personally, I think a boy's penis should look just like his father's.
Tony: Nancy was saying you were having some tension about oral sex.
Agent Paul: Without spontaneity, the world of B&B's is fairly meaningless.
Mr. Coplin: Why is everyone getting worked up all of the sudden? I thought we were gunna talk about getting new carpeting. Taking out this crap and putting in the wall-to-wall.
Mary Schlichting: You apologize!
Lonnie Schlichting: I'm sorry.
Mary Schlichting: Sorry for what?
Lonnie Schlichting: I'm sorry that I put windowpane in Mel's quail, and I'm sorry that you ate it.
Mrs. Coplin: I'm..uh..abrasive, pushy, defensive...my husband is...uh...food-phobic, passive-aggressive...eh?...c'mon!
Mary Schlichting: Oh, he was such a cute baby.
Richard Schlichting: It would've been kinda nice... if he had, like, a third eye right there, you know? You know, you know, a third eye is a symbol of enlightenment. You know, he's not- he's not, he's not getting it. He's...
Mary Schlichting: Mel... identity is nothing but a mental construct.
Mel: Mental construct?
Richard Schlichting: Have you ever read any Tibetan Buddhism, like Chaos theory?
Tina: Do you worry about the risk factor involved in gay sex?
Agent Paul: You know, it may be news to you, but not every gay man has, uh, anal sex. That's where a lot of the HIV risk lies.
Agent Tony: For example, I'm very anal. Uh, I-I mean, in, uh, in the sense... that I'm compulsively careful and clean about what touches my body. Not into penetration, at all.
Mel: Okay, do we have to talk about this right now?
Nancy Coplin: Well, why not? Are you a homophobic?
Mel: No, I...
Nancy Coplin: I think it's interesting.
Mel: Really? Well, I think in front of the baby we shouldn't.
Agent Paul: Nancy's just testing the risk factor for sex with Tony, Mel.
Agent Tony: Paul, don't patronize her.
Agent Paul: I'm not patronizing her.
Agent Tony: She knows that I came of age in the era of AIDS... and even though I'm bisexual I've been incredibly careful, okay? Tested negative three times in the last seven months.
Nancy Coplin: Really?
Agent Paul: Runway ready for takeoff.
Agent Tony: If I remember correctly. Yeah, three times.
Sheriff: Bobby, take these forms back to the office, these release forms and get these nice people their car keys. This is all over here. This is a Federal agent here, and he just told me the whole story about the Shlytings.
Mr. Coplin: Schlitinooks.
Mrs. Coplin: No, Schlichtings
Sheriff: Well, anyway, it's clear that we have the wrong people here.
Mel: That's what I've been trying to tell this guy for the last half hour.
Mrs. Coplin: Thank God for this Federal agent. And by the way, w-w-why are you not wearing pants?
Agent Paul: I had an experience, that's why.
Mrs. Coplin: What do you mean?
Agent Paul: I resisted at first, and then it evolved and it continues to evolve for me.
Mrs. Coplin: I don't know what the hell he's talking about, but I got some jewelery somewhere, if you please.
Mel: You made LSD? Is that what you're saying?
Richard Schlichting: We made LSD.
Mary Schlichting: Yes, yes. We made acid.
Richard Schlichting: And we gave it out to people who needed it. You know that there are hundreds of pharmaceutical executives in this country... that are selling drugs, FDA approved drugs.
Mary Schlichting: On the open market.
Richard Schlichting: Over the counter with incredible side...
Mary Schlichting: Horrible side effects.
Richard Schlichting: Terrible side effects. And these people are not in jail.
Mary Schlichting: They're not in prison anywhere.
Richard Schlichting: They're, they're, they're in country clubs or playing golf. They're having drinks.
Mary Schlichting: They're running the country, Mel.
Richard Schlichting: You know, LSD shouldn't be a felony in the first place.
Mary Schlichting: It's not addictive.
Richard Schlichting: It doesn't lead to violent crime.
Mary Schlichting: It's really the only hope for the species.
Mel: Did you take acid while you were pregnant with me?
Mary Schlichting: You're not gonna bring that thing up, are you?
Richard Schlichting: You know the stuff they tell you about, you know, chromosome damage and all that stuff?
Mel: Yeah, I do!
Richard Schlichting: That's government propaganda.
Mary Schlichting: Total propaganda.
Richard Schlichting: They just want to get a hold of your head, that's all.
Mary Schlichting: I was relieved, though, when you came out in the hospital and you only had one head.
Mel: Very funny.
Richard Schlichting: [laughing] She- She kills me!
Fritz Boudreau: I dropped a lotta baby batter in my day; this is the first son I ever met.
Mrs. Coplin: I told you to watch out for that car!
Mr. Coplin: He was in my blind-spot.
Mrs. Coplin: You could fit the whole state of Wisconsin in your blind-spot.
Mel: [sitting next to Tina on the plane] Have you ever heard of hypospadia?
Tina: Is there something wrong with the plane?