The First Wives Club (1996)
[finding empty liquor bottles in trash]
Brenda: Let's examine the evidence. Look! all bottles and gallon jugs!
Elise: I had guests!
Brenda: Who? Guns N Roses?
Uncle Carmine: Brenda, I speak on behalf of your father, my beloved brother, that Morty is garbage, and it would be an honor to me to take him out.
Ivana Trump: Ladies, you have to be strong and independent, and remember, don't get mad, get everything.
[Elise shows Bill proof that his new girlfriend is only sixteen years old]
Elise: Should have done your homework, Bill! I did. Oh, by the way, here's a copy of her birth certificate.
Bill: Oh, God... I didn't know... oh, God! Wh-what are you going to do?
Elise: Oh, what am I gonna do? Well, for now I'm just going to say the f word... *Felony*.
Elise: There are only three ages for women in Hollywood - Babe, District Attorney, and Driving Miss Daisy.
Brenda: My Morty becomes this big shot on T.V... He was selling electronics, right? On our 20th wedding anniversary it hits midlife crisis major. He starts working out, he, he grows a moustache, he gets an earring. I said, "Morty, Morty, what are you? A pirate? what's next? A parrot?" And all of a sudden I'm a big drag. I'm holding him back because I won't go rollerblading.
Dr. Morris Packman: If I give you one more face lift you're going to be able to blink your lips!
Brenda: What's wrong?
Jilted Lover: It's my lover. She left me for this younger woman that weighs twelve pounds.
Brenda: That's just like my Morty.
Jilted Lover: Who?
[Shows Woman her picture]
Jilted Lover: She's butch.
Elise: You've always been jealous of me, even in college! Because I was blonde and beautiful, and could have any guy I wanted!
Brenda: Could and did! All the senior class and half the faculty!
Elise: It was the sixties.
Chris Paradis: Mom I'm a lesbian. But don't tell Daddy! I want to wait for a good time; like Father's Day or Christmas Morning!
[about her ex-husband's scantily clad date]
Brenda: What's the matter, Morty? Can't you buy her a whole dress?
Elise: You think that because I'm a movie star I don't have feelings. Well you're wrong. I'm an actress. I've got all of them!
Morty: Shelly, what happened here? $140,00 for a PLATE? $47,000 for a carpet? A USED carpet? $300,00 for a Lamborghini? Are you crazy?
Shelly: I bought the car for you! It was only 300 grand! It was a GIFT!
Morty: With my money you bought it! I bought me the gift!
Shelly: Jesus, Morty, all I want is a lifestyle, y'know - with some ambiance and some classic eternal good taste!
Elise: No, Sean Connery is Monique's boyfriend! He may be three hundred years old, but he's still a stud!
Elise: I drink because I am a sensitive and highly strung person.
Brenda: No, that's why your co-stars drink.
Annie: I'm very sorry I ever met you. And I'm sorry that I allowed myself to love you for all those years. I'm sorry that I did nothing but be there for you every minute of every hour and support you in your every *move*. I'm sorry!
[Upon seeing a slinky dress]
Brenda: Now, I ask you, Duarto, who's supposed to wear that? Some anorexic teenager? Some fetus? It's a conspiracy, I know it is! I've had enough. I'm leading a protest. I'm not buying another article of clothing until these designers come to their senses!
Brenda: I remember your first talk-y.
Elise: Oh yeah, what did you ever win? A pie eating contest? "Best digestion?"
Bill: Nice car, used to have one myself.
Shelly: Thanks. So, what's going on in there? Is it just a lot of battered women dancing around or what?
Bill: Yeah, sort of. Not really my scene.
Shelly: Me neither.
Bill: So, are you here with anybody?
Shelly: Not really.
Bill: How old are you?
Duarto: [upon seeing an "unnaturally" young Elise walk into Cynthia's funeral] She looks fabulous; do you think she's had work done?
Brenda: [rancorously] Honey, she's a quilt!
Brenda: Morty! Well, look at you. You look prosperous.
Morty: Brenda, don't embarrass me.
Brenda: [Mocking Morty] Don't embarrass you.
Morty: Don't make a scene.
Brenda: Don't make a scene.
Morty: Do not make a scene.
Brenda: Don't embarrass you! You've got a *nerve*! I'll tell you what's embarrassing!
Morty: Keep your voice down.
Brenda: Being hassled by Mr. Zaworsky... because I'm behind in the rent, *that's* embarrassing. Worrying about how I'm gonna get my kid through college, *that's* embarrassing!
Morty: You know something? You *never* listen. For twenty years you never ever listened. Here,
[grabs a yellow blouse]
Morty: honey why don't you try this one in a fitting room, looks very nice on you.
Brenda: You know, I could use this. It's very beautiful and I love the color. But what am I gonna to use for money? HOW AM I GONNA PAY FOR IT?
Morty: It's the *company* that is expanding. Don't you understand that? The *company*, not *me*! I'm a mere laborer!
Brenda: You're a liar and a FRAUD!
Morty: I have no money.
Brenda: Really? Why don't you look in your purse?
Morty: Oh you're very funny.
Shelly: There stunning Morton, I need all of them.
Shelly: [covers her face with a dress] Oh God, make it go away.
Brenda: Shelly! Look at you! My my, the bulimia certainly has paid off.
Morty: Don't start.
Brenda: What's a matter Morty? Can't you buy her a whole dress?
Shelly: Brenda, why don't you try these on in
[holds out her arms]
Shelly: *your size*!
Morty: It's really a delight running into you today Brenda.
Aaron Paradis: I can't handle more surprises today.
Chris Paradis: Oh, Daddy. I'm a lesbian. A big one.
Dr. Morris Packman: Elise, if I give you any more collagen, your lips are gonna look like they got stuck in a pool drain.
Bill: I'll sue you, I'll *break* you! You vindictive sack of silicone! That's my car, you piece of plastic!
[Gunilla sees Shelly and Morty re-entering the apartment and dials her phone. Duarto answers]
Gunilla: Social climbers on the rise.
Annie: Let's synchronize our watches.
Brenda: Ooo, just like "Mission: Impossible!"
Elise: Oh, that was a big hit.
Elise: I'm not Monique's Mother!
Elise: Angela Lansbury's Monique's Mother!
Elise: Shelley Winters is Unique's mother!
Maurice: Now that's a good one.
Elise: Sean Connery is Monique's mother!
Maurice: And I'm going to get you some coffee.
Elise: Annie, you choose. Who's your friend? Me or Brenda?
Brenda: Yeah, for once in your life make a decision? Who's your friend? Some Beverly Hills science project?
Elise: Or a woman with her own aisle at the supermarket?
Phoebe LaVelle: Hi, I'm Phoebe. I've seen all your movies and I want to be just like you. Only, me!
Annie: What if Elise starts drinking again and then you start sniping away?
Elise: Been there!
Brenda: Done that!
Brenda: I'm saying this, with love compassion and the spirit of true sisterhood... you are full of SHIT!
Shelly: [of her salad dressing] Normally I bring my own. You know that fat free ranch stuff. But this, this is restaurant quality.
Duarto: Leave me alone. One hour. One hour. One hour, thank YOU!
Elise: [Drunk] You never even wrote to me!
Annie: [Meekly] You were unlisted...
Elise: And you always talked about me behind my back!
Brenda: Oh, you deserved it!
Annie: [having a panic attack] I'm clean! I'm clean! I'm clean!
[Brenda and Elise whack her over the head with some file folders]
Brenda: So okay, alimony sucks. Okay, you didn't get to play a police woman in a wonder bra. But look at you, you're gorgeous! And thanks to Cher's pioneering efforts you still haven't hit puberty! And once upon a time you *were* a terrific actress! You've even got an Oscar to prove it! You've spent your whole life with people *sucking* up to you! I'm sure Annie will agree with me when I say that *your* perception of life is *somewhat altered*!
Catherine: You are married. You have a daughter. You don't need self-esteem.
Shelly: Brenda, why don't you try on one of these in *your size*?
Shelly: Gunilla Garson Goldberg, personally inviting me to one of her super-social luncheons!
Brenda: Ya know I wonder how drunk Cynthia was when she decided to do a jack knife off Park Avenue.