Mrs. Dubrow: I like psychotic people. They get things done.
Lord Rutledge: Where do you keep your champagne? Near the furnace?
Lord Rutledge: From the look of my soup I'd say someone in your kitchen has a serious hair loss problem.
Lionel Spalding: Monkey head. Monkey head.
La Farge: When I was in the sewer once, I saw a turtle that was so big it looked like a Volkswagen with a tail.
Brian: Dad's gonna kill you when he finds that you lost his camcorder.
Kyle Grant: I didn't lose it. The gorilla did.
Brian: All right, the gorilla.
Kyle Grant: When we get back, you'll see.
Robert Grant: Kyle, I know you're upset about the vacation, but that is no excuse to throw a guest's dog into the garbage.
Kyle Grant: I didn't throw him in the garbage.
Robert Grant: Then, what happened? No, no, don't tell me, let me guess. You decided to give him a coffee-ground bath to improve his coat.
Kyle Grant: He jumped off the dog walk.
Robert Grant: The dog is suicidal? Is that what you're trying to tell me?
Kyle Grant: He smelled the monster on the ledge and jumped over.
Robert Grant: Oh, it makes perfect sense now. He smelled the monster on the ledge. It is the smelly ledge monster.
Mrs. Dubrow: Where did it come from?
La Farge: Well, when two orangutans fall in love...
Robert Grant: I think she means how did it get into the hotel.
Brian: Well, if your going to be grounded in a 5-star hotel it is the place to be.
Robert: [sees Dunston out the window; shouts] HOLY SHIT!
Mrs. Feldman: [to Mrs. Winthrop] He must really hate the Four Seasons.
Robert: No, no!
La Farge: Dunston, I'm sorry. I was only trying to do my job. I didn't mean any harm. Do you forgive me?
[Dunston slaps La Farge]
La Farge: I deserved that.
Robert Grant: You got to get out of here. Mrs. Dubrow hates kids. She once kicked Big Bird in the nuts.
Victor: Why is he talking to his crotch?
Robert Grant: I will give you one week paid vacation if you go running out of this office crying.
Consuelo: [Consuelo starts up tears] Hoo hoo hoo hoo. Ahhhhh.
Lord Rutledge: [to Kyle] You know what my speciality is?
[Kyle shakes head]
Lord Rutledge: I can make noisy little boys disappear.
Victor: Fluffy towels.
Robert Grant: Excuse me.
Victor: Our guests want fluffy towels. Talk to laundry.
Lionel Spalding: His name is Neil after Neil Armstrong
[in baby talk voice]
Lionel Spalding: the first man on the moon, yes he was!
Brian: You do realize we'll probably end up living in a Motel 6?
Robert Grant: Yep! Sounds pretty good to me.
Man at Table: Can I help you with somethin', son?
La Farge: I'm lookin' for a Pongo Pygmaeus.
Man at Table: [slyly] I catch you lookin' at my wife's "Pongo Pygmaeus" once more, I'm gonna break you in half.
La Farge: Right.
Kyle: Dad! There's a gorilla in the bathroom!
Robert: Kyle, there is no gorilla in the bathroom.
Kyle: But, Dad...
Robert: Go back to sleep.
[Lionel shouts hysterically after seeing Dunston and La Farge slaps him]
Lionel Spalding: Why is everyone in this hotel always slapping me?'!
[La Farge slaps him again]
Lionel Spalding: [Final Lines:] NOOOO!
[Dunston drops a coconut on Lionel's head]