Malik Brody: Funny, 'cause the image that Americans have of China is that's it's a country full of people with little tiny feet, and they run around and kick the shit out of each other everyday.
Toby Wong: Well that's the same image we have of America, except you guys have big feet and kick the shit out of each other less gracefully.
Malik Brody: Yeah, I can see that.
Waterfront Bartender: I don't know why you want to waste so much time writing those sappy love songs when no-one wants to hear 'em. Least of all, the woman who dumped your sorry ass.
Malik Brody: Oh, well thank you Doctor! I feel so much better now!
Waterfront Bartender: The truth hurts, baby.
Malik Brody: You don't look like Miss Daisy, I should be driving you no fucking where.
Toby Wong: Shut up!
Malik Brody: Can't smoke can't talk, I'm fucking covered. You take the car, I'll walk. Drive your own fucking self.
Vic Madison: We've been doing this shit for a long time, you can tattoo that on your ass!
Toby Wong: Let's go let's go!
Malik Brody: We are going, this ain't the Batmobile!
Delivarence Bodine: You owe me...
Malik Brody: I owe you what?
Delivarence Bodine: Entertainment, chocolate boy wonder!
Malik Brody: I knew these guys weren't real cops.
Toby Wong: They're real... Real Dirty.
Trooper #2: You're under arrest!
Malik Brody: Under arrest? I'm a fucking hostage!
Toby Wong: Back to plan A.
Malik Brody: What's plan A?
Toby Wong: Don't get shot.
Malik Brody: Good plan!
Toby Wong: I got a funny feeling we're about to see some familiar faces.
Malik Brody: Funny feeling? Well, your definition of funny and mine must be completely different, because I don't see a damn thing funny!
Malik Brody: It's suicide, you wanna talk about it?
Toby Wong: Tell me on the way down.
Vic Madison: Hey, you can see me can't you? Then why don't you speak English as soon as my ugly mug pops up or do I have to come over there and bitch-slap you!
Malik Brody: What the hell were you doing while I was getting my ass kicked?
Toby Wong: I was catching up on an episode of "Walter - the Einstein frog".
Delivarence Bodine: They say you can tell what a man's like, by the type of car that he drives. So when did Godzilla get a hold of your car?
Malik Brody: I think we've done all the damage we could here, wanna go blow up something in LA?
Toby Wong: They're not supposed to kill me, I'm too valuable to them.
Malik Brody: Valuable? Oh, you're about a penny a pound as far as I'm concerned. If you're so fucking precious, why did you kidnap me? Why did you get me involved, I mean I know I'm good looking but damn! This is like shit on Malik week!
Malik Brody: So what, her parents didn't dig you 'cause you're a psychotic Ninja killer?
Malik Brody: This is the original five fingers of death right here.
Trooper #1: Aren't they all?
Malik Brody: Hey man, tell me about China. Is there a lot of Kung Fu shit going on?
Toby Wong: What do you mean?
Malik Brody: Like guys coming up to each other on the street going 'hmm... Your Kung Fu is pretty useless, as well as obsolete. You insult me! You bastard. Prepare to die!'
Toby Wong: No, not a whole lot...
Toby Wong: Don't smoke in the car!
Malik Brody: I'm sorry, you don't want me to smoke, in MY car? Can I open a window and smoke? Oh, this is fun, this is fucking fun. You know what, you're right, you're absolutely right, I'm gonna quit!
Malik Brody: You pulled a whip on me? Are you out of your fucking mind? Let me tell you something - DON'T YOU EVER PULL A WHIP ON A BLACK MAN AGAIN!
Malik Brody: You left Bria with the Asshole?
Carolyn: His name is Steve.
Malik Brody: Oh, I forgot, the asshole part is silent!
Vic Madison: I swear Hedgehog, all this junk food you eat is gonna turn into one smelly mound of shit.
Hedgehog: My bodily functions don't concern you!
Vic Madison: Yeah, well they do when I've gotta be subjected to the consequences of your flatulence!
Toby Wong: Are you okay?
Malik Brody: Okay? OKAY? I'm in one piece, motherfucker, but okay's something I ain't been since we met!
Vic Madison: Stick your head between your legs and kiss your ass goodbye, turbo drive!