Carpool (1996)

Tom Arnold: Franklin Laszlo

Photos 

Quotes 

• Franklin : Boy you're touchy.

  Travis : He's got hemorrhoids, Franklin.

  Franklin : You got 'roids?

• Franklin : We could use a nut like you down at the carnival. Ever bite the head off a chicken?

  Mr. Hammerman : Not lately.

• [location: in their van which is inside a refrigeration truck] 

  Andrew : It's freezing.

  Franklin : Huddle together if you're cold, I'll turn on the heat.

  Daniel : That's brilliant. See in order to get heat you have to turn on the engine, thereby trapping the fumes and rendering us all dead by asphixiation.

  Franklin : In that case forget the heat. Hey who farted? Did you cut the cheese, Dan?

  Daniel : For God's sake, no I did not.

  Franklin : How about you, Kayla?

  Kayla : Girls don't fart.

  Franklin : Really? Come over to my house sometime and ask my mom why all our cats committed suicide.

• Daniel : What are you doing?

  Franklin : Driving into the back of a truck, Dan, you ever watch the A-Team?

• Franklin : Where are your donuts?

  Todd : Sir, we're a gourmet market.

  Franklin : Okay, where are your gourmet donuts?

• Franklin : We've got a ferris wheel, tilt-a-whirl, bumper cars.

  Bucky : I like bumper cars.

  Franklin : Actually it's bumper *car*, the bank repossessed the rest of them.

• Daniel : [about the ferris wheel]  I'm not getting on that death trap.

  Franklin : Oh we won that law suit.

  Daniel : Huh?

  Franklin : Okay we tied, but it's still safe. Come on, I'll show you how to operate it. It's so easy a trained monkey could do it and it did until that uproar with the Humane Society.

• Franklin : [noticing a woman getting her lips waxed]  That's amazing. I'd never have to shave Mom's hump again. Um, that is, she's got a hump on the back of her neck.

• Franklin : [a jelly filled danish got rubbed on his shirt]  Great! Raspberry glaze!

  Edith : Soak it in cold water.

  Franklin : Thank you very much, ma'am, and by the way, someone your age should be a little more careful with a hand gun.

  Edith : Bite me.

• Voice of Franklin's Mom : Listen, cutie pie when they reposess the truck, you won't have to leave them any gas.

  Franklin : Right, you're the expert on gas, Mom.

• Franklin : Uh oh. I dropped my wallet. I can't drive without a driver's license, you'll have to switch with me.

  Daniel : I don't think that rule applies when committing a felony.

  Franklin : Oh, right.

• Franklin : Listen, Dan, I'm not a perfect person. I see a buck on the ground, I pick it up. Sometimes I take more than 10 items right through the express lane, and I have a temper, like my neighbor plays his music too loud. So I killed him, I cut him up and I put him in my freezer. I'm just kidding! Just breaking the tension!

• Detective Erdman : I'd say you picked the wrong store to rob this time, pal.

  Franklin : Excuse me, Lieutenant but I am not robbing this store.

  Detective Erdman : Yeah right, I suppose that's a bag of donuts you got there right?

  Franklin : They don't even serve donuts here, you should know that, you're a cop.

• [They are listening to a heavy metal song] 

  Franklin : Great tape. This yours?

  Daniel : Oh yeah, I got everything by the Screaming Idiots.

  Franklin : This is the Ramones, actually, I haven't heard the Idiots yet, maybe you can turn me on to them.

• Circus Performer : We've come to give you back our pay checks.

  Franklin : Aw you didn't have to do that.

  Circus Performer : Sure we did. They bounced. Listen, Franklin, you've been very good to us, but we've gotten an offer from Wingling Brothers.

  Franklin : *THE* Ringling Brothers?

  Circus Performer : No, *WINGLING* Brothers!

• Franklin : Hey there, Dan, you're late.

  Daniel : Well I didn't take our usual shortcut through the mall.

• Franklin : [on his way to the bank, contemplating his robbery plan]  This will go smooth. Unless they shoot me, which they won't because I'm gonna draw first. Of course they could push that button under the counter, but I know it's gonna be fine.

  [Parks and approaches bank. The doors are locked and standing inside is a guard] 

  Franklin : Oh hey, buddy, I need you to open a safe for me. I mean an account, a safe account. But I see you're not open right now so I'll go grab a cup of coffee and come back later.

• [Daniel races for the phone. Franklin stops him] 

  Franklin : No calls! That is, no obscene calls. He's trying to quit.

  Daniel : I am not.

  Franklin : Well you should! What's your phone number?

  Daniel : 9-1-1.

  Franklin : Very funny. Do realize if I get arrested you won't make your meeting because you'll be filling out police reports until next October.