Beavis: Hey, Butt-head, this book kicks ass. There's this talking snake, and a naked chick, and then this dude puts a leaf on his schlong.
Beavis: Damn it, this always happens. I think I'm gonna score, and then I never score. It's not fair. We've traveled, um, a hundred miles 'cause we thought we were gonna score. But now it's not gonna happen. Damn it!
Bus Driver: Hey, buddy, sit down.
Beavis: Shut up, ass-wipe! I'm sick and tired of this! We're never gonna score. It's just not gonna happen! We're just gonna get old like these people... but they've probably scored!
Bus Driver: Hey, I'm warning you! SIT DOWN!
Beavis: [motioning to Martha] It's, like, this chick's a slut. And look at this guy. He's old, but he's probably scored a million times!
Old Guy: [nodding] Oh, yeah.
Beavis: But not us. We're never gonna score! We're never gonna score! We're never gonna score!
David VanDriessen: You know, this could be a real positive experience for you guys. There's a wonderful and exciting world out there when we discover that we don't need TV to entertain us.
Butt-head: Huh huh huh. He said, "Anus."
Beavis: Entertain us, anus. Oh, yeah.
David VanDriessen: Have you guys heard a word I've said?
Butt-head: Uh, yeah. Anus.
Beavis: [chuckling] Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I heard it, too.
David VanDriessen: Look, guys, just take the TV back to the AV room right now. And try to be a little more open to life's experiences, okay?
Butt-head: What a dork.
Butt-head: [dying in the desert] Whoa, I think my life is, like, flashing in front of my eyes.
[shows Beavis and Butt-head from infancy to now, sitting on the couch, giggling and watching TV]
Butt-head: Whoa. My life was cool.
Muddy Grimmes: You got any last words before I kill you?
Butt-head: I have a couple. Butt cheeks.
Beavis: Yeah, yeah. And, uh, and boobs. I just wanna say that again. Boobs.
Muddy Grimmes: I'm gonna blow you both to hell, that's what I'm gonna do!
Little Old Lady: [to her husband] I want you to meet two nice boys.
[She introduces Beavis first]
Little Old Lady: This is Travis and Bob.
Little Old Lady: And, what's your last name, dear?
Butt-head: Uh, Head. My first name is Butt.
Tom Anderson: Boy, I never seen two kids do so much damned whacking.
[after a cavity search by a female FBI agent]
Butt-head: Did I just score?
[eight M-16 assault rifles are pointed at him]
Butt-head: This is the coolest thing I have ever seen.
Beavis: This sucks. It's all hot and stuff.
Butt-head: This desert is stupid. They need to put a drinking fountain out here.
Beavis: Yeah, yeah. Or, like a 7-Eleven or something.
[finds a switch in Hoover Dam labeled "Master Station Control" and tries to read it]
Butt-head: Uh, Master-a... Masturbation Control?
[flicks the switch several times, making the lights in Las Vegas turn on and off]
Butt-head: Hey, Beavis, check it out! I'm masturbating.
Beavis: I am the great Cornholio. I need T.P. for my bunghole.
Agent Bork: Chief, you know that guy whose camper they were whacking off in?
Agent Fleming: Bork, you're a Federal Agent. You represent the United States government. Never end a sentence with a preposition.
Agent Bork: Oh, uh... You know that guy in whose camper they... I mean, that guy off in whose camper they were whacking?
Butt-head's Dad: Hey, one of you bastards got a match?
Butt-head: Uh, yeah. My butt and your, uh, butt. Uh huh huh.
Little Old Lady: Oh, hello, there. Are you two heading for Las Vegas?
Beavis: Yeah. We're gonna score.
Little Old Lady: Oh, well, I hope to score big there, myself. I'm mostly gonna be doing the slots.
Beavis: Yeah, yeah. I'm hoping to do some sluts, too. Yeah. Do they have a lot of sluts in Las Vegas?
Little Old Lady: Oh, there are so many slots, you won't know where to begin.
Beavis: Whoa. Hey, Butt-Head, this chick is pretty cool. She says there's gonna be tons of sluts in Las Vegas.
Little Old Lady: It's so nice to meet young men who are so well-mannered.
Beavis: Yeah. I'm gonna have money and a big screen TV and there's gonna be sluts everywhere. It's gonna rule.
Little Old Lady: Well, that's nice.
Bill Clinton: In recognition of your great service, I'm appointing you honorary agents in the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms.
Butt-head: Whoa. Alcohol and tobacco?
Beavis: Yeah. And firearms! Yeah.
Bill Clinton: Cool, huh?
Butt-head: Cigarettes and beer kick ass.
Beavis: Yeah, yeah. We're in the bureau of beer and fire and cigarettes. And maybe some chicks, too.
Butt-head's Dad: [sitting around a camp fire eating beans] Hey, you want to see something really cool?
[farts over camp fire which creates a fiery mushroom cloud]
Muddy Grimmes: I'll pay you 10 grand plus expenses, all payable after you do her.
Butt-head: Uh, do her?
Muddy Grimmes: That's right, do her. I'm offering you $10,000 plus expenses to do my wife. We got a deal?
Beavis: Actually, we just want to watch TV.
Butt-head: Shut up, Beavis. Uh... Yeah, we'll do your wife.
Beavis: No! I wanna watch TV!
Butt-head: [slaps Beavis] Damn it, Beavis, you butt-munch. This guy wants us to score with his wife, and he's gonna pay us. We can buy a new TV.
[Dallas Grimmes mistakes Beavis and Butt-head for hit men who are hunting her]
Dallas Grimmes: 10 grand?
Dallas Grimmes: Oh, that cheap ass. All right, I've got a better deal for you. I'll double it. I'll pay you 20 if you go back there and do him.
Butt-head: You want us to do a guy? No way.
Beavis: I don't know, Butt-Head. That is a lot of money. Maybe if we close our eyes and pretend he's a chick.
Beavis: Hey, Butt-head, do you think we're ever going to score?
Butt-head: Uh, I probably will, but not you. You're too much of a butt-monkey.
Beavis: Shut up, dillhole.
Butt-head: Butt dumpling.
Beavis: Turd burglar.
Butt-head: Uhhh... ass goblin.
Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head. Hey, doesn't Tom Anderson live on this street?
Butt-head: Uh, yep.
Beavis: 'Cause, um, I just need to stop by his toolshed for a few minutes.
Butt-head: [giggles] Tool.
Butt-head: Uh, do you know where Washington is?
Petrified Forest Recording: [Pointing to the desert] Uh, yeah. About two thousand miles that way.
Butt-head: [Butthead dreams that he's a giant and grabs a woman from a building] Uh, hey baby, I'm like pretty tall, uh huh huh huh
[a helicopter shoots at him]
Butt-head: Damnit cut it out, I'm trying to score!
[after apprehending Butt-head]
Agent Fleming: Agent Hurly, I want you to give this scumbag a cavity search. I'm talking Roto-Rooter. Don't stop until you reach the back of his teeth.
[walking down hallway of the White House, stops at picture of Nixon and stares at it]
Beavis: Are you threatening ME?
Little Old Lady: I'm sorry. You have to speak up, son. I have this ringing in my ears. My doctor says it could be related to my heart palpitations.
Beavis: Really? I poop too much.
Little Old Lady: Oh. Maybe you're lactose intolerant.
Beavis: I mean... No, no. I poop too much! And then I get tired.
Butt-head: [Beavis and Butt-Head roll the TV out of the school, it falls down the stairs and breaks] That was cool. Huh huh huh.
Beavis: No, it wasn't.
Butt-head: Uh, oh, yeah.
Butt-head: This is gonna be cool. We're gonna get paid to score.
Beavis: Yeah. Then we're gonna get a big-screen TV, with two remotes.
Butt-head: Beavis, this is the greatest day of our lives.
[in a church confession booth]
Man: I'm sorry. How many Hail Marys?
Beavis: A thousand. And I want you to hit yourself, right now.
Man: Um, now?
Beavis: Yeah. Do it.
[the man hits himself]
Beavis: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Harder.
[in the trunk of Muddy's car, Butt-head finds a tire jack and begins pumping the handle]
Butt-head: Hey, Beavis, check it out. I'm jacking off.
Marcie Anderson: They're here to look at the TV, Tom.
Tom Anderson: What? The TV ain't broken.
Beavis: Uh, yeah it is.
Butt-head: [over loudspeaker] Uh, attention. Attention. We're looking for the chick with big boobs.
Beavis: [over loudspeaker] Yeah. We are ready to do you now.
Senators: Uh-huh-huh-huh. Uh-huh-huh-huh.
[after Beavis and Butt-head enter the motel room]
Muddy Grimmes: Man, Earl said you guys were young, but, jeez. Oh, well. As long as you can get the job done. What are your names?
Butt-head: Uh, Butt-head.
Beavis: Oh, I'm Beavis.
Muddy Grimmes: Well, that's all right. I'd rather not know your real names, anyway. Mine's Muddy.
Tom Anderson: What in the hell is that damn noise?
[goes inside his camper and sees Beavis]
Tom Anderson: What?
Beavis: Hey, how's it going?
Tom Anderson: Pull your damn pants up, boy! I don't want to see that. Damn it, get out of here!
Tom Anderson: [throws Beavis out of camper] And if I ever catch you whacking in here again, I'm gonna hogtie you.
Beavis: Check it out, Butt-Head, Porta-potties.
Butt-head: Cool. I gotta take a dump.
[they go inside confession booths]
Butt-head: Uh... Where's the toilet?
Beavis: [Notices a vulture tugging at his body] Cut it out butt-hole!
Butt-head: [ogling a female flight attendant] Come to Butt-head.
Tom Anderson: [Anderson drives by] Something wrong, officer?
ATF Agent: [holds up picture of B&B] Sir, we're looking for these two fugitives.
Tom Anderson: Well, I'll be danged. That's them two kids that have been whacking in my camper.
ATF Agent: You saw these two?
Tom Anderson: I sure did. Boy, I've never seen two kids do so much damned whacking.
ATF Agent: [on walkietalkie] This is post 9, I have positive ID.
Tom Anderson: Boy, they're just like a couple of little old spidermonkeys, I tell ya.
ATF Agent: Sir, I'm gonna have to ask you and your wife to step out of the vehicle.
Tom Anderson: Well, now, wait a minute, me and the Mrs. here are on our way to Washington DC.
ATF Agent: [points gun at Anderson] Now!
President Clinton: Beavis and Butt-head, on behalf of your fellow Americans I extend my deepest thanks. You exemplify a fine new crop of young Americans who will grow into the leaders of this great country.
Butt-head: Huh huh huh huh. He said, "extend."
Beavis: Oh, yeah.
Hoover Dam Guide: Now, can anybody tell me how much energy it takes to power Las Vegas?
Beavis: Yeah, I just have a question. Um, is this a God dam?
Beavis: Hey, Butt-Head, do you think we're gonna ever score?
Butt-head: I probably will, but not you. You're too much of a butt-monkey.
Beavis: Shut up, dillhole.
Beavis: Turd burglar.
Butt-head: Uh, ass goblin.
Beavis: Shut up, Butt-Head. Hey, doesn't Tom Anderson live on this street?
Butt-head: Uh, yeah.
Beavis: 'Cause, I just need to stop by his tool shed for a couple minutes.
Beavis: You know what I'm saying?
[Getting back on the bus]
Butt-head: Wait a minute. We can't leave Washington till we find that chick.
Little Old Lady: Oh, we're a long way from Washington, Bob. This is the Hoover Dam.
Beavis: Dam? Heh heh. I'll be damned.
Muddy Grimmes: [showing a photo of Dallas] Here she is, boys. Her name's Dallas. She ain't as sweet as she looks. She stole everything from me. You gotta watch out, 'cause she'll do you twice as fast as you'd do her.
Butt-head: Whoa. Uh huh huh huh. Cool.
David VanDriessen: You know, this could be really positive experience for you guys. There's a wonderful and exciting world out there when we discover we don't need TV to entertain us.
Butt-head: Uh-huh huh huh! He said "anus"!
Beavis: "Entert-ain us", "ainus". Oh yeah! *laughs*
David VanDriessen: *sigh* Have you guys heard a word I've said?
Butt-head: Uhhh, yeah! Anus! *laughs*
Beavis: Yeah! I heard it too! *laughs*
Concierge: [leading Beavis and Butt-head into their room] I'm sorry about that little misunderstanding, gentlemen. We didn't realize you were registered guests. If there's anything we can do to...
Beavis: [sees TV and remote attached to table, tries to lift it] Damn it. This thing is stuck.
Concierge: Sir, it's attached to the...
Butt-head: You dumb-ass, let me try.
Beavis: [stops] Hey, check it out. That guy's still standing there.
[Concierge holds out hand, expecting tip]
Butt-head: Uhh, could you, like, not stand there and stuff?
Butt-head: [as soon as concierge leaves] Some people are dumb.
[checking out Chelsea Clinton]
Butt-head: Hey, baby. I noticed you have braces. I have braces too.
Agent Flemming: Well, I'll be a monkey's bare-assed uncle.
Tom Anderson: Boy, I tell you what, it really makes ya proud. I could stay in here all day.
FBI Agent: Sir, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.
[noticing the open door, the stolen T.V., and the broken window]
Butt-head: Whoa. I think just figured something out, Beavis.
Butt-head: This sucks.
Beavis: Yeah. It really sucks.
Butt-head: This sucks more than anything that's ever sucked before. We must find this butt-hole that took our TV.
Beavis: [starting to hallucinate] Hey Butt-head I'm starting to feel weird, I think I'm freaking out!
Butt-head: Uh?, Okay.
Beavis: This is cool! It's like everything's all weird and stuff, there's like all these weird shapes, it's sort of like, it's like... um like a music video!
[hallucinates that Butt-head is melting and demons are crawling out of his body]
Beavis: Woah, what are you doing Butt-head?, stop it you're freaking me out, cut it out!
[Arriving at the Hoover Dam]
Beavis: We're in Washington.
Butt-head: Yeah, yeah, we're gonna score.
Little Old Lady: Actually, son, we're at the Hoover Dam.
Beavis: No, no. We're in WASHINGTON!
Butt-head: Yeah. WE'RE GONNA SCORE NOW!
Beavis: [after spitting soda on Mr. Anderson's TV] Aaaahh! This crap is warm!
Butt-head: Beavis, you butthole, you broke it.
Beavis: Aaah, no! Dammit!
Butt-head: [Lifting up a trash can lid while searching for their TV] Uhhhh, it's not in here. Uh huh huh huh.
David VanDriessen: I assume you're a government agent. I would think you'd know there's something in this country called due process, okay?
Agent Fleming: That's about the kind of talk I'd expect from the guy who taught these two. Take this scum away.
David VanDriessen: I believe I'm supposed to be read my Miranda rights. Now, if...
[he is interrupted as an ATF agent slugs him in the chest with the butt of the rifle; VanDriessen moans in pain]
Butt-head: [the female flight attendant is serving dinner on the plane; Butt-head lingers behind her] So, uh, going to Las Vegas?
Butt-head: [approaches the female flight attendant] Uh, hey, I got a beer. Want some?
Butt-head: It's like it's coming out of its ass, but then it's, like, also coming out of the ass of the ass.
Beavis: It's like the poop's coming out of the ass of the ass. Yeah.
Ranger at Old Faithful: There are over 200 active geysers in Yellowstone Park. Old Faithful here is one of the largest. During an eruption, the geyser can reach as high as 200 feet.
Ranger at Old Faithful: The - the geyser shoots out over 12,000 gallons in a single eruption.
Beavis: That's not that much, really.
Butt-head: Yeah, really. Let's get out of here. Uh-huh-huh-huh.