The Steve Harvey Show (1996–2002)
[a student has lost weight]
Steve: Damn, girl! You look like Luther two albums ago.
Steve: Regina, Lovita... you gotta help me with my niece. She just don't act like a normal teenager. She don't talk back, she don't roll her eyes... the poor girl thinks that Snoop Doggy Dog is Charlie Brown's pet!
Steve: Lovita, you want raffle tickets? In English, "no"; In Spanish, "no"; in Russian, "nyet", and in Ebonics, HECK no!
Steve: Lemme tell you, I would put hot sauce on my ears and fight Tyson for that girl.
Regina: You only get one shot and you cannot miss.
Romeo: Man, Romeo don't miss! Now, I want the twenty dollars in three un-marked five-dollar bills.
Regina: Remind me to speak to Mr. Wilson, the math teacher.
Bullethead: I'm sorry, my religion does not allow me to work on the sabbath.
Steve: The sabbath, for you, is on a wednesday? Boy, your ignorance is dazzling.
Bullethead: Thank you.
Steve: Regina, I teach six classes, three different subjects, I got study hall and a room full of teenagers with their hormones just ragin'. Couple of them are hotter than a Porsche in the projects.
Cedric: Lovita, you can't break Robinson Family Traditions all willy-nilly!
Cedric: Oh look, honeybump. Wedding bears! And the bridesbear doesn't seem to mind that the groomsbear is wearing a top hat.
Lovita: Fine. Wear your funky old top hat, and ask this bridesbear to give you some babies!
Bullethead: Hey guys, let's get going. I gotta meet my date!
Steve: A date?
Romeo: Yeah. I'm as shocked as you are, Mr. Hightower, but it's true! Bullethead's got a chickenhead!
[Regina is wearing a neckbrace and walking on crutches]
Steve: Regina, you look like an extra in "E.R.".
Steve: Ced, when I see that woman, I'm like Shaq doing Shakespeare - I just don't know how to act!
Steve: Boy, you better watch your tone of voice with me! This ain't Michelle Pfeiffer you're talking to.
[Cedric is dressed in a gold tuxedo]
Steve: Ced, you look like an Oscar from Compton!
Steve: Your checks do more bouncing than Nell Carter on a pogo stick.
Regina: Steve, can I see you for a moment?
Steve: [chuckles] Ya know, if I had a nickel for every time a woman approached me with that question...
Regina: [continues] You'd have twelve minutes on a parking meter.
Steve: Well, how's it going, Eryka Ba-Don't?
Regina: Ok, I will admit that I did freeze up a little on stage.
Steve: A little? Girl, you froze up like a homeless Eskimo.
[at studio with Teddy Riley]
Romeo: [on phone] Miss Jenkins, I'm at the studio with Teddy Riley right now.
Lovita: [sarcastically] Sure, Romeo... and me and Barry White are here trading perm secrets.
Steve: [talking to himself] I just hope they don't ask that boy to read.
Steve: Lovita, please. You in the kitchen is like a black man in a horror film - - somebody gonna die!
Cedric: I took the $2000 and got Lovita a real nice Rolex watch. So I got $1950 left.
Steve: This boy thinks that Hamlet is something you order with home fries and toast.
Steve: I haven't seen this much food since I was backstage at an Aretha Franklin concert.
Cedric: The boy thinks "impeachment" is a fruit-flavored breath mint!
Steve: I'm gonna work you boys harder than a beeper in the projects.
Steve's Niece: My mother always told me that beauty comes from within.
Lovita: That's true. It comes from the beauty within the cosmetic counter at the Rite-Aid.
Steve: [after Regina's failed attempt to stop Romeo from Humiliating Steve, ending up with Regina receiving a Key Lime Pie to the face and Steve is urprised that Regina came up to him] Well, look who's here. Our very own Principal Grier!
Regina: [With pie on her face] I hate you, Steve!
Steve: But I love you though...
[Steve licks his fingers after Regina coughs and starts to wipe the pie filling off]
Steve: That's Key Lime. That's my favorite.
Lovita: [after hearing about Regina's plan to humiliate Steve] Who are you going to get that's dumb enough to throw a pie in Steve's face?