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(1996–1998)

Quotes

Doug Thompson: Wow, Betty, I don't know how often I'm likely to find you running down the hall after me! It's sort of, you know, The Dream!

Betty Roberts: Oh, well, Doug, I need to ask you something. In private.

Doug Thompson: Son of the Dream!

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Jeff Singer: Hollywood needs some fresh blood.

Hilary Booth: I have a knife. We'll give them two quarts right after you get dressed.

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Betty Roberts: Creatively, what aspect of radio drama most interests you?

Scott Sherwood: It doesn't. Never had much time for radio. Stops me from thinking out loud. Bought a second-hand schooner that had one, but I never listened until I ran up on a reef in Samoa and had to wait almost a week for help. Ever try to eat a barnacle?

Betty Roberts: No.

Scott Sherwood: Don't.

Betty Roberts: I promise not to.

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[Maple is instructing Betty, Hilary, and Eugenia in burlesque dancing]

Maple: Now here's the tricky part: the bump. Imagine somebody threw a hand grenade at you...

Eugenia: Everyone's a critic.

Maple: ...and you have to knock it away with your hips right back at the enemy. Pretend the audience is the enemy.

Hilary: I see you've worked Buffalo.

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Hilary: You! Betsy! Where's my script?

Betty: Oh, I'm sorry, Miss Booth, I was buried in thought.

Hilary: Yes, and I'm sure it was a shallow grave.

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Betty Roberts: Victor Comstock and I once took a walk down to where the Monongahela and the Allegheny rivers meet. It was a clear night - it seemed as if the entire universe was reflected in the water. The milky way was a plume of white smoke on a black velvet river filled with shining sapphires. We - Victor and I - looked down into the water and you - he said - something to me that I will never forget. Can you tell me what you said?

Victor Comstock: I think I said something to the effect that the confluence of the rivers was in fact a misnomer since in actuality the Monongahela circumvents the Allegheny by some 300-odd feet.

Betty Roberts: Victor! It is you!

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Betty Roberts: I admit it! I'm an addicted... addict!

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[an exhausted cast is trying to break a world record for longest continuous broadcast. Hilary is dozing off]

Jeff Singer: Hilary, you have to get up.

Hilary Booth: Oh, no. I was having the loveliest dream.

Jeff Singer: Oh, what were you dreaming?

Hilary Booth: That I was asleep.

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Jeff: Hilary, this... agent of yours, she's bullying everyone who deals with her. Rex Noble tells my theater friends he feels beaten down and bludgeoned, and Betty says your agent hasn't met a demand she didn't like. This Doris Snithing is insensitive, insatiable, and relentless! Hilary, I guess what I'm saying is... you think she'll be my agent, too?

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Scott Sherwood: If I'm gonna win this thing for all the Betty Roberts in this country, maybe that means I have to do without the one I care about for a while. Maybe that's how this whole thing works.

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Betty Roberts: Generally, Gertie, we try to avoid writing dialogue for our cast that is impossible to pronounce?

Gertude 'Gertie' Reece: Oh, really?

Betty Roberts: Yes. That type of torturous tongue-twisting tends to be tantamount to terrifying and intimidating to our troop. I mean, please continue.

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Mackie Bloom: Problem?

Betty Roberts: No, nothing.

Mackie Bloom: What do you mean, "nothing"? Is it really nothing because it's nothing, or is it nothing because it's something you don't want to tell me, or is it nothing because it's something that you will tell me if I promise to say nothing?

Betty Roberts: The last one, I think.

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Betty Roberts: We have a 10am show, and it is now 10:03. Would you please take your places at the microphones?

Hilary Booth: Maple, would you tell Betty that I just don't care any more?

Maple: Jeff, would you kindly remind Hilary that Betty and I are no longer speaking to each other?

Jeff Singer: I'm sorry, Maple, but Hilary and I are not talking to each other.

Maple: Mackie, are you still speaking to Hilary?

Mackie Bloom: Yeah, I'm talking Hilary; I'm not talking to you.

Hilary Booth: Well, if you're talking to me, Mackie, would you please tell Betty that I don't care?

Mackie Bloom: Betty isn't listening to me anymore.

Hilary Booth: Well, are you talking to Jeff?

Mackie Bloom: Yes.

Hilary Booth: Well, then, would you please tell Jeff to tell Betty that I don't care?

Mackie Bloom: Jeff, Hilary said to tell Betty that she doesn't care any more.

Jeff Singer: I've taken my last set of orders from you, Mackie. And we are not talking to each other, remember?

Mackie Bloom: I forgot. Maple, are we still talking?

Maple: I think so, but remember, I'm not speaking to Hilary or Betty.

Mackie Bloom: But you're talking to Jeff.

Maple: Yes!

Mackie Bloom: Then, would you please tell Jeff to tell Betty that Hilary told me to tell her that she just doesn't care any more?

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Enid Fairleigh: I, um, don't suppose you've had a chance to look at my script yet, have you?

Betty: Oh, um, just the first page. I thought...

Enid Fairleigh: Oh, please, be as critical as you would like. My internship here would otherwise be meaningless.

Betty: Well, Enid, I couldn't help noticing that both the hero and the villain in your script have the same first name. Don't you think that that's a little confusing? Especially on the radio, where you can't see what anyone looks like. For instance, on page one of your script your heroine says, 'I just hope John can stop John from destroying John's plan to take control of John's company.'

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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