Everybody Loves Raymond (1996–2005)
[after the twins have knocked his golf clubs down the stairs]
Ray Barone: Yeah... you won't be smiling when we send you a postcard from Disneyland.
[Ray is trying to seem manly to a friend]
Ray Barone: [to Debra] Let's try and get it spot free. This isn't like at home where I let that stuff slide.
Debra Barone: Honey, show daddy what you drew.
Ray Barone: That's okay, I can figure it out.
[Ally hands Ray a drawing]
Ray Barone: Um, lets see. A big wall of red?
Ally Barone: No.
Debra Barone: Ally told me that was a picture of you in hell.
Ray Barone: This coming from the guy who once threw his shoe at a swan.
Frank Barone: It's called protecting your sandwich!
Ray Barone: I wish I were Einstein cause then I'd invent a time machine and go back to when you were nice.
Ray Barone: You can't create fate cause then its not fate, its voodoo.
Debra Barone: You know what, I'm tired! Could you just call yourself an idiot?
Marie Barone: He hates it when I cry. It reminds him of our wedding night.
Robert Barone: I'm a cop and live with my parents. I'm on a constant diet of human suffering.
Debra Barone: Ok, you know what? I'm tired of this. I'd rather be normal than this.
Debra Barone: Ooh, dear how are you. Frosting in a can, so much easier than homemade. Look in that refrigerator. Whoa, smells like there wasn't anything good in here for a while.
Debra Barone: Time for desert. Holy crap. I'm not listening anymore, doo dah, doo dah...
Debra Barone: Oh, everything's turning out perfect for Raymond.
Debra Barone: Oh, lucky Raymond. Everybody loves Raymond. EVERYBODY loves Raymond. EVERYBODY LOVES Raymond. EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND!
Robert Barone: Do me, now.
Frank Barone: What in the holy name of crap are you talking about?
Marie Barone: Frank do you love me?
Frank Barone: YOU STILL NEED REASSURANCE, AFTER 45 YEARS OF BONDAGE?
[about Debra's dad's new girlfriend]
Ray Barone: Well, usually guys his age go for younger women. Instead of going for somebody younger he went for somebody different.
Debra Barone: Ray!
Ray Barone: I meant... No! I mean, I always say the opposite phrases of what I say. Like, just this morning I told Debra "I'm soup, can I get some hungry?"
Ray Barone: [Debra's mom leaves, Debra looks at Ray menacingly and goes after her mother]
Ray Barone: Oh, man...
Frank Barone: Kill is going to Debra you.
Frank Barone: You know, Robert gets the jealousy thing from me.
Ray Barone: Oh, yeah?
Frank Barone: Yeah, one time I drove my fist through a Cadillac, on account of your mother.
Ray Barone: Really?
Frank Barone: Yeah. She started talking about marriage, and I told her to go to hell. I remember hearing through the grapevine, that your mother was going to have dinner at Chuck Pacarello's. Now, your mother's cooking, that's something... special. And, I figured, she was only gonna cook like that for me. So, I went to Chuck Pacarello's and punched the headlights off of his car. I spent the night in the hospital, picking glass out of my arm.
Ray Barone: Wow, dad, I never thought there was a story like that behind you and mom. It's almost romantic.
Frank Barone: Yeah, I know. I don't tell that story a lot, though.
Ray Barone: How come?
Frank Barone: Because it doesn't have a happy ending.
Marie: [after walking in on Robert flashing Ray] I remember it from the tub.
Frank Barone: Chuck Pacarello? Where the hell is he? That son of a bitch owes me. I'm serving his life sentence!
Marie Barone: You're giving him back that money!
Frank Barone: Like hell, I am! I want to teach him a lesson. You up the stakes, you lose a lot. You play with matches and you get burned.
[sticks check in front of Raymond]
Frank Barone: AND, THANK YOU, COME AGAIN!
Ray Barone: [after talking to his parents] You know, it's amazing I can function at all.
Ray Barone: Shouldn't you be yelling at me, or something?
Debra Barone: Ray, when you're on the Titanic you lower the lifeboats. You don't stop to yell at the iceberg.
[Frank is eating lasagna from the platter]
Marie Barone: Frank! What are you doing? You can't eat it from there! Your fork was in there! Now nobody can eat it!
Frank Barone: That's all I have to do? In that case, the fork's been in the ice cream, too!
Ray Barone: [comes in] Hey.
Marie Barone: Hi, Raymond. Are you hungry? Do you want something to eat? Only you can't have lasagna... Or ice cream.
Frank Barone: [sticks his fork in cake] Or chocolate cake.
Marie Barone: Look at him! He's like an animal, marking his territory!
[Frank sticks Marie with the fork]
Marie Barone: Hey!
Frank Barone: What? That's a compliment.
Ray Barone: God, how I wish I could say this is the wrong house...
Ray Barone: Ok, Robert, you want to know the advantages of marriage? Fine... There's... Uh... OK! Here! Got it! You know when you fall asleep and you stop breathing? When you're married, there's always somebody there to nudge you back to life... That's not a good example. Ok...
Robert Barone: Ray...
Ray Barone: No! I got this! Look, you want to know what marriage is really like? Fine. You wake up- she's there. You come back from work- she's there. You fall asleep- she's there. You eat dinner- she's there. You know? I mean, I know that sounds like a bad thing. But, it's not.
[touches Debra's shoulder]
Ray Barone: Not- Not if it's the right person.
Frank Barone: I'd like a minute for rebuttal.
[Robert started hanging out with black people]
Frank Barone: I don't even understand one word you're saying anymore. Yesterday, why the hell did you call me "dog"?
Robert Barone: It's a good thing. It means I like you.
Frank Barone: I see. In that case, from this day on I'm calling you "jackass". That's also a sign of affection.
[Ray comes in]
Frank Barone: Hey, ugly.
Ray Barone: What the hell was that for?
Frank Barone: It's "Robert Talk". It means you're good-looking.
Frank Barone: Hey, good-looking.
[Ray has hurt his back and is in bed with Debra]
Ray Barone: I guess I am going to be out of commission for a while.
Debra Barone: I wouldn't worry - it's not like Van Gogh has lost his paint brush.
[after Raymond sees Deborah crying all alone]
Raymond: Do you cry because I'm stupid?
Deborah: No, I eat ice cream because you are stupid.
Frank Barone: What's for brunch, Marie?
Marie Barone: Ham.
Frank Barone: Excellent. I shall put on my ham pants.
Ray Barone: You said you didn't know me?
Debra Barone: You were stuffing your pants with food!
Ray Barone: So? I'm your husband, you're supposed to love me no matter what's in my pants!
Robert Barone: Never be afraid to pull the trigger, on your smile.
Debra Barone: Where did you just come from?
Raymond: I went to the bathroom.
Debra Barone: No, you didn't.
Raymond: I'm doing it right now.
Robert Barone: All I wanted was a place where people would care about me.
Marie Barone: You have that here, you stupid ass!
Frank Barone: Maybe that's why I like animals. Woof. Moo. Quack. They tell it like it is.
Marie Barone: Who keeps pornography for twenty-nine years?
Frank Barone: Anyone married to you.
Robert Barone: I actually say a prayer that Ray doesn't do so good that day.
Debra Barone: You say a prayer?
Robert Barone: Come on, God, get him!
Marie Barone: [after seeing Ray and Robert hug each other] Your sons are hugging.
Frank Barone: I'll get the hose.
[Ray just ended a sentence with "at"; Marie is infuriated]
Marie Barone: This is the end of civilization! People like you don't wanna learn or do anything, because they're too busy with their remote control televisions, or playing with their hula hoops, and before you know it,
Marie Barone: that's where we're at!
Frank Barone: Where the cookies at?
Ray Barone: Nothing is ever good enough, and it's always our fault!
Frank Barone: Hey, you can't speak to your mother like that!
Ray Barone: You do!
Frank Barone: She's not my mother!
Robert Barone: It's nice to be important. But it's more important... to be nice.
Robert Barone: So, Debra's parents are coming over?
Ray Barone: Yeah, they don't come around much anymore, so we want to spend as much time as possible with them.
[Robert stares at him, not buying it]
Ray Barone: I've been told that's how I feel.
Debra Barone: [to Robert] It's your life. You do what you want to do.
Ray Barone: Until you're married... then you do what SHE wants you to do.
Frank Barone: I'm sorry the check got stuck to the chubby hubby.
Marie Barone: Oh Frank. You've never said that to me before.
Robert Barone: No one's ever said that before.
[Frank is dressed as Frankenstein, growling copiously at Marie]
Marie Barone: You think that's any different from what you really sound?
[Ray is bunking with Robert]
Ray Barone: Could you, er, put a shirt on?
[gets under the covers]
Ray Barone: And some underpants?
Robert Barone: Excuse me! I believe this is MY bed.
Ray Barone: Yeah, I know. But when you get in bed with a guy, you... put some pants on!