[after drinking household chemicals]
Harry Solomon: Um, I've lost all feeling in the left side of my body.
[Looks at upside-down can]
Harry Solomon: Could somebody please call "116"?
Mary Albright: I think you look distinguished with gray hair.
Dick Solomon: Thank you. I think you would look distinguished with gray hair, too.
Mary Albright: No. When men get gray hair, they look distinguished. When women get gray hair, they look old.
Dick Solomon: When women get breasts, they look sexy. When men get breasts, they look old.
Mary Albright: Good point!
Dick Solomon: Guns don't kill people, physics kills people.
Dick Solomon: Where would we be without the agitators of the world attaching the electrodes of knowledge to the nipples of ignorance?
Dick Solomon: I'm sorry, there is simply no room in the budget for raises. But I can go you one better: promotions! Sally, you are now *Senior* Security Officer.
Sally Solomon: That'll look good on the ol' résumé!
Dick Solomon: Tommy, you are now *Senior* Information Officer.
Tommy Solomon: It's about time!
Harry Solomon: What about me?
Dick Solomon: Harry, you are now... Harold.
Harry Solomon: Champagne for everyone!
Harry Solomon: I want to give mankind the gift... of electricity.
Tommy Solomon: Harry, they already have electricity.
Harry Solomon: Well! Then my work here is done.
Tommy Solomon: Harry, I need you to drive me somewhere.
Harry Solomon: Nope.
Tommy Solomon: You know I outrank you.
Harry Solomon: Then, "No, sir!"
Vicki Dubcek: How dare you use your flesh to tempt me?
Harry Solomon: Well, that's what it's there for!
[Dick is whining about is job]
Harry Solomon: You know, Dick, when life gives you lemon, just shut up and eat the damn lemons.
Mary Albright: Just be glad you're at the top of the food chain and nothing eats you.
Dick Solomon: What about the shark in Jaws. He's so scary.
Tommy Solomon: It's like watching Entertainment tonight in Carnegie Frickin' Hall!
Big Giant Head: It was a horrible flight! There was a man on the wing of the plane!
Dick Solomon: The same thing happened to me!
[after finding out his father was "the Big Giant Head"]
Dick Solomon: I don't know who I am anymore!
Harry Solomon: Well, your first name is Dick, and your last name is Head...
Harry Solomon: Women. You can't live with 'em, and yet they're everywhere.
Dick Solomon: Mary is too old for you.
Tommy Solomon: I'm older than you.
Dick Solomon: Well, then, you're too old for her. Either way, it won't work.
Tommy Solomon: I make her laugh, Dick. She likes it.
Dick Solomon: You shut your foul mouth!
[Harry is looking for a job offer in the newspaper]
Harry Solomon: Here's a job that I can do. "Police are seeking third gunman." Tomorrow, I'm gonna march over to the police station and show them that I'm the man they're looking for.
Dick Solomon: Mary, there's something I have to tell you. I come from another world.
Mary Albright: And that's news?
Sally Solomon: Isn't there a place where people can have mindless sex with different partners?
Mary Albright: Yeah! It's called "the 70s."
Harry Solomon: Hey world, I'm alive. And these pants are washable.
[Dick has entered the office wearing a tight-fitting construction worker's outfit and a tool belt]
Dick Solomon: Whaddaya think, Nina? Ya like beefcake?
Nina Campbell: Not from your funky bakery.
Tourist: Excuse me, we've been driving around for hours. Do you know of any hotels that have rooms?
Harry Solomon: I believe that *all* hotels have rooms.
Harry Solomon: Dubcek's threatening to make me work it off, and I don't think she's talking about mowing the lawn.
Dick Solomon: I want ceaseless joy and never-ending passion like Romeo and Juliet.
Mary Albright: They both wound up dead.
Dick Solomon: Antony and Cleopatra.
Mary Albright: Dead.
Dick Solomon: That couple from Wuthering Heights.
Mary Albright: Insane and dead.
Dick Solomon: F. Scott Fitzgerald and Zelda.
Mary Albright: Drunk, insane, and dead.
Dick Solomon: Tristan and Isolde.
Mary Albright: Abgeschossen.
Dick Solomon: Aha, Siegfried and Roy.
Mary Albright: Okay, one.
Sally Solomon: What happened, Harry?
Harry Solomon: It came out!
Dick Solomon: Is it an alien?
Harry Solomon: Well, it's purple, and it's slimy, and it's got a hose.
Sally Solomon: A hose?
Tommy Solomon: Oh, great. It's a mutant.
Dick Solomon: Alright, we'll kidnap him, and hide him, when it's a teenager we'll set him free, and then if it's really messed up, we can blame him on television.
[Marry Albright arrives]
Mary Albright: They just brought him to the nursery. He is positively glowing.
Harry Solomon: Now it's glowing.
Mary Albright: Let's go see him. He's got Vicky's eyes.
Harry Solomon: What's he doing with Vicky's eyes?
Sally Solomon: I just hope it's not eating them.
[Looking at the babies at the nursery]
Tommy Solomon: Which one is it?
Dick Solomon: It must be him - it's hideous.
Man: Hey, that's my daughter.
Dick Solomon: I'm so sorry. SHE'S hideous.
Dick Solomon: Oh, Mary! I've had one of those terrible dreams again! We were getting married!
Mary Albright: Oh.
Dick Solomon: No, that's the good part. Then, my family showed up.
Mary Albright: Oh, and they objected?
Dick Solomon: Well... They had issues.
Mary Albright: Don't worry. I wrote a speech in case that happens. Well, it's just two words. One of them's "off".
Harry Solomon: Incoming message from the Big Giant Head!
Harry Solomon: Incoming message from the Big Giant Head. The Big Giant Head is unable to take your call at this time. You must wait until your call is answered in the order it was recieved.
Harry Solomon: And my job will be to figure out what causes harm to the human form. Like getting your fingers crushed in a car door. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.
Dick Solomon: [reading Dr. Seuss] My God, this man is a genius!
Dick Solomon: [reading the Bible] Wow, these people begat their brains out!
Dick Solomon: You want the truth? You want the truth? Well, I can't handle the truth!
Dick Solomon: Nina, who is this 'Tom' that Mary keeps talking about?
Nina Campbell: I don't know, and it's none of my business.
Dick Solomon: It's none of my business and I'm obsessed with it!
Nina Campbell: That's typical. Why is it that men think that when you plant the flag, you own the mountain.
Dick Solomon: I spent two years climbing that mountain, and I'm not about to let some guy yodel on it!
[around Super Bowl season]
Harry Solomon: Tell me what you've done to Sally. Where are you taking her?
Mascha: I can't. I wish I could.
Harry Solomon: Can't you give me a hint?
Mascha: All right... We're going to do something on the weekend... in San Diego.
Harry Solomon: Why can't you give me hint?
Mascha: We're going to do something on Sunday... in San Diego.
Harry Solomon: Just one clue?
Mascha: We're going to something on SUNDAY... in SAN DIEGO... at a STADIUM.
Harry Solomon: Just one tiny clue?
Mascha: The Super Bowl, Harry!
Harry Solomon: WORK WITH ME, BABY! WHICH SUPER BOWL?
Dick Solomon: Nina, take my car to the garage and rotate my tires.
Nina Campbell: That's not in my job description.
Dick Solomon: What is in your job description?
Nina Campbell: Typing.
Dick Solomon: Ok, well, type it into your job description and get my tires rotated.
Sally Solomon: Don't listen to him, he's just a kid.
Salesman: Oh, don't worry. I used to be a kid myself... a long time ago.
Salesman: Say there, sport, you like girls?
Tommy Solomon: Yeah. Sorry.
The Big Giant Head: The yelling will cease or the killing will commence!
[at career day]
Officer Don: Sorry I'm late, kids, but I was just involved in one of the world's scariest police chases.
Kid: How did it end?
Officer Don: The guy got away.
Officer Don: but, I rolled my car!
August: Your son is impossible.
Dick Solomon: And you're a pain in the ass, you're made for each other.
Tommy Solomon: I am now the coolest punk in school.
Dick Solomon: Well, congratulations. What did you do?
Tommy Solomon: I got suspended for setting off the fire alarm.
Dick Solomon: They suspended you? You saved hundreds of lives.
Tommy Solomon: That's the best part; there was no fire.
Dick Solomon: Tommy, this is outrageous. The next time you set off the fire alarm, you'd damn well better start a fire first.
Dick Solomon: I don't mean to panic anyone, but I'm afraid the calamari has been infested with baby squid.
Tommy Solomon: Dick! Sally and Harry wont buy me a beer.
Dick Solomon: Sally, Harry, don't be so cheap!
Nina Campbell: You think you're the smartest man on the planet, don't you?
Dick Solomon: For the thousandth time, yes!
Dick Solomon: Badgers do not suck! They bite!
Dick Solomon: I'm gorgeous!
[Dick is locked in an invisible box and feels the walls]
Dick Solomon: Oh no! He's turned me into a mime!
[Harry is dressed as an alien for Halloween]
Mamie Dubcek: Oh, Harry. You're an alien.
Harry Solomon: NO, I'M NOT! I mean, yes I am.
[Dick goes to a Halloween party as a pirate]
Partygoer: Ahoy, matey. Where are your buccaneers?
Dick Solomon: Under my buckin' hat.
Dick Solomon: Who needs Christmas anyway? I say "Bug Humbar".
Harry Solomon: Talk to the hand.
Sally Solomon: Hey, buy us a couple of beers?
[Hands Sally and Nina two beers]
Man: So, you girls going to the big game?
Sally Solomon: We don't want to talk to you. We're just broke.
[Takes beers and leaves]
Mary Albright: Have a little compassion, Sally, we're healthy. We have to help him.
Sally Solomon: I say he's lame. Shoot him.
Officer Don: Hamlet? The story is as old as time: Pretty boy son has a rich daddy, and a good-looking mommy. The uncle knocks off daddy, marries mommy, and he cuts pretty boy out of the action. So junior goes crazy and he kills them all. Not a pretty story... but there it is.
Tommy Solomon: Isn't that the plot to 'The Lion King'?
Tommy Solomon: Remind me never to ask you for another favor again!
Dick Solomon: You weren't right for the role.
Harry Solomon: Hey, how'd the audition go?
Tommy Solomon: I lost the part. The "Di-rec-tor" didn't think I was good enough!
Dick Solomon: You were good: you had delivery, presence, timing, you just didn't have that indefinable something extra.
Tommy Solomon: I was just trying to score some points with my girlfriend, is that too much to ask?
Dick Solomon: 'Romeo & Juliet' is a Shakespearian tragedy, it has nothing to do with a horny teenager and his girlfriend!
Sally Solomon: You just can't imagine what it feels like, Dick. It's like he reached in... and pulled all the bones out of my body...
[Sally starts crying]
Dick Solomon: My god, what are you doing?
Sally Solomon: [Wipes her tears] Apparently I'm leaking!
Sally Solomon: YOU!
[Points at man by bar]
Sally Solomon: Your sexual organs are in total diometric opposition to mine!
Man: Well... hey! So, can I give you a call sometime?
Dick Solomon: This is just perfect. I try to mold us into a family that will blend in, and what do I get? A surly teenager, a sister obsessed with a man, and a brother who drinks too much. Is there another family in the whole world like this? I don't think so!
Nina Campbell: Hey, check out the bartender.
Mary Albright: [sarcastically] Ooh... God's gift to women.
Sally Solomon: I hope he kept the receipt.
Sally Solomon: This is the bake sale committee, right?
Mrs. Hartzinger: Yes, I don't believe I've seen you before.
Sally Solomon: I don't believe you're blonde.
Sally Solomon: Oh, how exciting. I am SO glad I get to be the woman. Next planet I get to be something BIG... WITH HORNS!
Patty Muller: I don't envy you at having to take care of three men. I only got Frank and he's a full-time job. Just once, I'd like to see that man pick up a sock.
Sally Solomon: I'd like to see men put their dirty dishes in the sink.
Patty Muller: I'd like to see them do laundry.
Sally Solomon: I'd like to see them crammed between two steel wheels and ground into a fine paste.
Patty Muller: You know, I'd like to see that myself.
Sally Solomon: You let me know.
Dick Solomon: And I've done some shaving. Somewhere on my body you will discover a tufted heart.
Harry Solomon: You know, one thing I learned - television always goes better with food.
Tommy Solomon: Actually, Sally, uh, Halloween is revered as the day when the graves yawn and the dead rise.
Harry Solomon: Plus you get to stick candy corns up your nose.
Dick Solomon: Lieutenant!
Sally Solomon: Yes, sir!
Dick Solomon: This planet has crossed the line. Assemble the giant robot.
Mamie Dubcek: Do you have anything for rope burns?
Dick Solomon: Just act normal.
Mary Albright: I'd ask you to do the same, but I'm afraid that ship has sailed.
Dick Solomon: I find you pompous, judgmental, and completely self-absorbed. Would you be my friend?
[to Officer Don]
Sally Solomon: Well, Don, if I had a gun like that I wouldn't be sitting behind a desk till I ran out of bullets.
[Mary and Dick are in a restaurant]
Dick Solomon: Mary, the waiter made a mistake. You ordered Surf and Turf. They brought you steak and lobster.
Mary Albright: Dick, that's what surf and turf is.
Dick Solomon: Oh... I thought it was water and grass.
Sally Solomon: How nice, it's the gift that keeps on sucking.
Dick Solomon: What does the crowd look like out there?
Sally Solomon: Why don't you open up the curtain and look?
Dick Solomon: Oh, nice breath. What did you have for lunch, garlic?
Sally Solomon: Well naturally you didn't eat lunch at all so you can chew on the scenery.
Dick Solomon: Great mastery of theater terms. Did you learn taht you in your book called "How to Perform on Stage?" because maybe you should start with the chapter called "How to Perform on Stage".
Sally Solomon: Yeah? Well maybe you shouldn't do card tricks that reflect off of your big, bald head!
Harry Solomon: [eyes closed] Sally, I can't see behind my eyelids.
Sally Solomon: Open them.
Harry Solomon: [opens his eyes] Ohhh, they're manual...
Evil Dick: Do I make myself clear Tommy?
Harry Solomon: Oh no, I'm Harry.
Evil Dick: No, from now on you will be referred to as Tommy.
Tommy Solomon: Hey, what about me?
Evil Dick: You will be Tommy too.
Tommy Solomon: Wait, so Tommy as in the number 2 or as what...?
Evil Dick: You will all be known as Tommy!
Tommy Solomon: Holy cow, we weren't just dating leggy babes...
Harry Solomon: We were dating leggy babes from beyond!
Harry Solomon: I could do it with my eyes closed!
Tommy Solomon: You do everything with your eyes closed!
[the Solomons are blasting "Entertainment Tonight" on their new TV]
Alissa Strudwick: How loud do you need to hear that it's Mary Steenburgen's birthday?
Leon: Dr. Solomon, I have an answer, but I think it might be wrong.
Dick Solomon: Why, Leon, of course it's wrong. You'll always be wrong! In fact, the odds of you being right are staggering!
Sally Solomon: [about her breasts] Hmm, they seem to have greater power when they collide.
Dick Solomon: So tell me, how far away is Cleveland?
Frank: An assault charge. The federal court house is there.
Dick Solomon: Right! Cleveland is a felonious assault away!
Dick Solomon: Our home for this mission was Earth, a third-rate planet. I got a third-rate car, a job at a third-rate university and now we were looking at a third-floor apartment.
Tommy Solomon: [pointing to the sky] I've been there. I've been there. And there. And there.
Harry Solomon: The long, boring stories you must have!
Dick Solomon: My woman won't let me be a woman! Excuse me, I'm going to go draw a bath and then have a fat-free cookie.
Harry Solomon: So what are you in here for?
Man: The police think I'm crazy because I told them I was from the planet Circon 9.
Harry Solomon: Do you know Steve?
Coach Strickland: Solomon, climb the rope!
Tommy Solomon: What's at the top of the rope?
Coach Strickland: Your self-esteem.
Tommy Solomon: My self-esteem?
Coach Strickland: Now climb the rope or you get to go sit with the girls.
Tommy Solomon: So if I don't climb the rope, I get to go sit with the girls? You're going to have to help me out here, I'm failing to see the downside!
Harry Solomon: The manual said hair below the shoulders but not above the head. I don't think anyone is going to look down there.
Dick Solomon: [Dr. Albright is being pursued by another man] I have... a plan!
Tommy Solomon: Remember, Dick, you're not allowed to disintegrate Earthlings.
Dick Solomon: [pause] I have... *another* plan!
Tommy Solomon: [Tommy and Harry are moving Sally's belongings out of the house]
[Tommy carries a large box with difficulty]
Tommy Solomon: Oh, Harry, you've got to help me with this box, it's filled with rocks and books and stuff.
Harry Solomon: Step aside.
[Harry grips the box and gets ready to push it up, as he does, the box flies over his head]
Tommy Solomon: [giggling] ... It was empty...
Harry Solomon: No.
[grabs the box and starts to leave]
Harry Solomon: I'm the strongest man in the world!
Harry Solomon: So, Dick. Wanna know what I heard around the water cooler today?... There's a weird guy hanging 'round the water cooler.
Officer Don: Sally, I think you're only attracted to my uniform! Do you know what this means?
Sally Solomon: Yeah...
Officer Don: It means you'll never see me out of uniform again!