Ashley: Peter Callahan is engaged to me. I object to this wedding!
Priest: Get in line.
Ashley's husband: And I object to your objection.
Mary Callaghan: Who's that?
Peter: Ashley's husband.
Midge Callaghan: You proposed to a married woman?
Peter: Yes. And I'm in a coma when my brother makes a play for my- sort of my fiancée
Joe Jr.: O.K., Lucy, it's either me or him!
Joe Jr.: You don't have to answer right away.
Elsie: I don't drink anymore... I don't drink any less, either!
Elsie: I like Mass better in Latin. It's nicer when you don't know what they're saying.
Jerry: You're born into a family. You do not join them like you do the Marines.
Lucy: I'm having an affair. I like Jack.
Jerry: Who's Jack?
Lucy: Peter's brother.
Lucy: So he thinks I'm engaged.
Jerry: To who?
Lucy: To Peter.
Jerry: Lucy, I really don't have time for this.
Lucy: No, you have to tell me what to do.
Jerry: Tell the truth.
Lucy: If I tell Jack I lied to his family he will *never* speak to me again. And Ox and Midge and Mary and Saul.
Jerry: Saul? Who's Saul?
Lucy: The next door neighbor. But you know what? Actually, he knows.
Jerry: Lucy, you are born into a family. You do not join them like you do the marines.
Lucy: So what should I do?
Jerry: Pull the plug.
Lucy: You're sick.
Jerry: I'm sick? You're cheating on a vegetable.
Jerry: So what's the big deal?
Lucy: What's the big deal? Jerry, they think I'm their future daughter in law. And the grandma has got this heart thing and if I tell them the truth, she's gonna have a heart attack and die and it's gonna be on my head.
Jerry: Well, go along with it and when Peter comes out of the coma the family'll be so happy they won't care that you lied to them. They'll probably even thank you for it.
Lucy: [to hot dog vendor] *Just* Mustard.
Lucy: Ok, what if he *doesn't* come out of his coma?
Jerry: Then who's to know?
Jerry: Listen, Lucy, when I told my mother I was getting married to my wife, her intestines exploded. You tell them the truth now, you may as well shoot grandma.
Ox Callahan: Jesus Christ, Jack, you're running the business.
Jack: That's something I'd like to talk to you about.
Midge Callaghan: Talk about that later ok?
Mary Callaghan: Talk about it now, he can't kill you in church.
Jack: I guess I don't remember meeting you.
Lucy: Well, that's probably because we've never met.
Jack: That could have something to do with it.
Lucy: Doesn't anybody use a phone anymore?
Joe Jr.: I do.
Lucy: I'm not talking about 900 numbers.
Joe Jr.: Who told?
Lucy: What do you want from me, Jack?
Jack: I want you not to be unhappy.
Lucy: And what are you, the Happiness Guru, Jack? Are you happy? Because I don't remember you having had a conversation with your father. I mean, you *do* want to leave the business don't you, or is this just like another *miscommunication* that we're having here?
Peter: Remember the squirrels?
Jack: Don't even say it.
Peter: First I knocked them out of their nest with a rock.
Peter: Then I saved them.
Elsie: Look at the bright side. He has more room in his jockey shorts.
Lucy: It's just... I never met anyone I could laugh with. You know?
Lucy: The truth was that I fell in love with you.
Ox Callahan: You fell in love with me?
Lucy: No, N-o, yes. All of you. I went from being all alone to being a fiancee, a daughter a granddaughter, a sister and a friend.
Lucy: Peter once asked me when I fell in love with Jack. And I told him, "It was while you were sleeping."
Saul: I couldn't love you any more if you were my own son. But the fact of the matter is, you're... well you're a putz.
Peter: Is there a point to this?
Lucy: [thinking] It's amazing how exotic Wisconson... isn't.
Lucy: Do you believe in love at first sight? Nah, I betcha don't, you're probably too sensible for that. Or have you ever, like, seen somebody? And you knew that, if only that person *really* knew you, they would, well, they would of course dump the perfect model that they were with, and realize that YOU were the one that they wanted to, just, grow old with. Have you ever fallen in love with someone you haven't even talked to? Have you ever been so alone you spend the night confusing a man in a coma?
Lucy: If you fit into my pants I will kill myself.
Priest: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here to...
Lucy: I object.
Saul: Oh, geez.
Priest: I didn't get to that part yet.
Jack: I would have to object too.
Priest: What about you?
Peter: I'm thinking!
Lucy: Celeste, you have to have sex to be pregnant.
Celeste: But I thought you said you were engaged.
Lucy: Well, we're... waiting.
Celeste: [Incredulous] Waiting?
[referring to her father]
Lucy: He would get these far-off looks in his eyes and he would say 'Life doesn't always turn out the way you plan'. I just wish I'd realized at the time, he was talking about MY life.
Man at Church: Will you please pipe down?
Ox Callahan: Hey, be nice pal-ly, we're in Church!
Man at Church: You're disrupting the Mass!
Ox Callahan: Who made you the Pope?
Lucy: Wh-why did you say that?
Nurse Wanda: Say what?
Lucy: I'm not his fiancee.
Nurse Wanda: Why did you tell me that you were?
Lucy: I'm not engaged. I've never even spoken to the guy.
Nurse Wanda: What? Well, do-, downstairs, you said, you said you were gonna marry him.
Lucy: Oh, geez, I was talking to myself.
Nurse Wanda: Well, next time you talk to yourself, tell yourself you're single and end the conversation.
Nurse Wanda: Next time you're talking to yourself, tell yourself you're single and end the conversation!
Lucy: I've had a really lousy Christmas, you've *just* managed to kill my New Year's, if you come back on Easter- you can burn down my apartment.
Jack: I want you... not to be unhappy...
Lucy: Oh! I don't want any flowers from you, I am not wearing black underwear, and I definitely do not want to move in with you, Joe -
[it's Jack, not Joe Jr]
Jack: Well, I don't have any flowers, I wouldn't mind seeing the black underwear, but under the circumstances, I don't think we should move in together.
Lucy: I thought you were Joe Jr.
Jack: [sarcastically] I get that a lot.
Lucy: [laughs] Do you wanna come in?
Jack: Yeah. Wow. So that's... Wow; the wedding dress, huh?
Jack: The wedding dress. It works good as a tie too.
Lucy: Ow. Yeah.
Jack: I just wanted to give you this before all the presents started to pile up. I was droppin' off some furniture in Little Italy. I look in a window, and...
Lucy: [it's a snow globe of Florence] Florence.
Lucy: Thank you. It's really beautiful.
Jack: And I wanted to say that I think that Peter... is a very lucky guy.
Lucy: Thank you.
Jack: I had to say that because you're gonna be my sister-in-law.
Lucy: Ha, ha, ha, ha. Well, I guess we'll be seeing a lot of each other then.
Jack: I better get goin'.
[goes after him]
Lucy: Hey, Jack. Jack!
Jack: [turns around] Yeah?
Lucy: Can you give me any reason why I shouldn't marry your brother?
Jack: Oh... I can't.
[Lucy nods as Jack angrily leaves]
Jack: Hey, we'll have to get your picture for the mantle.
Lucy: Of, of me?
Jack: No, of you and Peter.
Lucy: [laughs] I'm, I'm not that photogenic.
Jack: [to himself] I doubt that.
Peter: I'm making a clean start with Lucy. She is - She is - She... What is she? She's...
Jack: I'd say that she gets under your skin as soon as you meet her. She drives you so nuts you don't know whether to hug her or, or just really arm wrestle her. She would go all the way to Europe just to get a stamp in her passport. I don't know if that amounts to insanity, or just being really, really... likable.
Peter: No, that's not it.
[Jack looks annoyed]
Peter: But she's gotta be really special. She's gotta be. And I can spend the rest of my life finding out why.
Ashley: Scumbag! You're engaged?
Ashley: May I remind you that you proposed to me?
Peter: You said no. We broke up.
Ashley: No, no. I was confused, we stepped back.
Peter: You moved to Portugal.
Ashley: Yes, well, I didn't think you were going to run out and marry the first bimbo you came across.
Peter: Lucy's not a bimbo.
Ashley: Lucy? Lucy who?
Peter: I don't remember. I was in a coma. I have amnesia.
Ashley: Amnesia. Oh that's rich. All right, fine! I want my stuff back.
Peter: Fine. Then I want my stuff back.
Ashley: What stuff?
Peter: Your nose.
Ashley: [shocked] You can't take my nose back!
Peter: I paid for it.
Ashley: [gesturing to her breasts] Well then here! You paid for these too!
Peter: Keep 'em. I'm a changed man, Ashley.
Ashley: Go ahead. Go ahead and marry her you one-balled bastard.
Jerry: What's this?
Lucy: A wedding invitation.
Jerry: Now wait a second! This is *your* wedding invitation.
Jerry: Whom are we marrying?
Lucy: [turns over invitation] Peter Callaghan.
Jerry: The coma guy? Are you insane?
Lucy: Yes, Jerry. I'm insane. I go to work and I sit in a box like a veal. I work every holiday, I go home to a cat and now a rich and handsome man has asked me to marry him and I've said yes. OK. That makes me a total raving lunatic.
Jerry: The wedding is tomorrow!
Lucy: I know it's tomorrow Jerry, but you know what? I even wish it were yesterday. Because that would mean that *today* I would be on my honeymoon, that I would *finally* have a stamp in my passport, and that it would say *Italy* on it.
Jerry: What happened to the other guy?
Lucy: He didn't want me.
Midge Callaghan: These potatoes are so creamy. Mary mashed them.
Jack: Hey, what do you know about my family? Spending a week with them does *not* make you an expert!
Lucy: Spending a *lifetime* with them hasn't made you one, either!
[goes inside her apartment building. Jack follows]
Jack: Yeah, well, I know that keeping your family happy gets complicated. Would your father be happy knowing you're sitting in a token booth, planning vacations that you aren't taking?
Lucy: No, he wouldn't. You're right. But you have no idea what it's like to be alone.
Jack: Hey, you have Peter.
Lucy: I don't have anybody.
Lucy: You give up your seat every day in the train.
Peter: Well... But that's not heroic.
Lucy: It is to the person who sits in it.
Lucy: I'm in love with your son.
Ox Callahan: I know.
Lucy: Not that one.
[points to Peter]
Lucy: That one.
[points to Jack]
Ashley: All right, fine! I want my stuff back.
Peter: Then I want my stuff back.
Ashley: What stuff?
Peter: Your nose.
Ashley: [shocked] You can't have my nose back!
Peter: I paid for it.
Ashley: [gesturing to her breasts] Well then here! You paid for these too!
Joe Jr: Hey Pop. Can I give that bottle of Blue Nun you got from Cousin Ornello to my probation officer?
Lucy: You're trying on my shoes?
Joe Jr.: No, I-I slipped and my foot just went like that
[makes swooping hand gesture]
Joe Jr.: right into the shoe.
Lucy: [trying to heave a tree up to her second floor apartment through the window] $45 for a Christmas tree and they don't deliver? You order $10 worth of chow mein from Mr. Wong they bring it to your door.
Mr. Fusco: "Nature of claim: Christmas tree through window". How am I gonna put that on my insurance claim? They're still pissed about the fire we had when Joe Jr. barbecued in the stairwell.
Lucy: I missed that.
Mr. Fusco: Great sausage.
Lucy: Listen, I'll pay for this.
Mr. Fusco: Don't worry about it, my brother Giuli's in the glass business.
Jack: [playing cards with a comatose Peter] You remember back in high school? I was starting to get really good at poker, went home with lots of lunch money? I got to know the principal's office really well. He always used to say to me "why can't you be more like your brother Peter". I was ok with that, I was proud of you and I was never jealous of anything that you had.
Jack: Until now. I'll cut the deck. Highest card gets Lucy.
[cuts deck, looks at the cards]
Jack: All right. We'll make it best out of three.
Jack: [Lucy's sitting in the booth at the station taking tokens for the train. Suddenly someone drops a ring, making her look up] Lucy? I have to ask you a question.
Elsie: Get down on one knee, it's more romantic.
Saul: Elsie, if he's proposing let him do it!
Elsie: I *am* letting him do it.
Jack: Can I come in there please?
Lucy: I can't. Not without a token.
Jack: [he hands one in and goes into the booth] Marry me.
Lucy: Yeah. I love you.
Jack: I love you back.
Midge Callaghan: [Lucy has come to the Callahan's for Christmas and is sitting on the front steps talking to Saul] Lucy? You came? Oh this is great! Hi, Saul! Hey, come on in, you two, it's freezing out here. Elsie made her egg nog.
Saul: [whispers to Lucy] A word to the wise - drink soda.
[Joe Jr. knocks on door]
Lucy: Who is it?
Joe Jr.: Joe Jr.
Lucy: I'm not here.
Joe Jr.: I know that trick!
Jerry: [at Celeste's party. Jack went along with Lucy, and was mistaken for Peter] Peter?
Lucy: I gotta talk to you.
Jerry: Geez, he looks good.
Lucy: That's not Peter. That's Jack.
Jerry: Uh, who's Jack again?
Lucy: Peter's brother.
Jerry: Peter's the guy that's in a coma.
Jerry: So then why did you bring Jack?
Lucy: I didn't bring Jack. He followed me here.
Jerry: So Jack's the fiancé?
Lucy: No, Peter.
Jerry: Peter doesn't even know you exist.
Lucy: I know.
Jerry: So Jack is Peter?
Jerry: They have doctors for this kind of thing!
Lucy: Hi. So, more questions?
Jack: No, I have an engagement present for you.
Lucy: Uh, you really shouldn't have.
Jack: I didn't. It's from my parents.
Jack: It's furniture. You want me to bring it up? Hey, was that Saul I saw leaving?
[there is a thud in the background. Joe Jr. is trying something on in Lucy's closet]
Jack: What's that?
Lucy: [lying] Cat.
Jack: [suspicious] Big cat.
Lucy: Um, I th - I think y - I think you should, um, bring it to, uh, t - bring it to Peter's apartment.
Jack: You don't know what it is.
Lucy: Well, you know, anything would look nicer in Peter's apartment.
[there is a thud again from Lucy's closet]
Lucy: You know what? I'll come with you.
Joe Jr.: [as Lucy closes the door, Joe Jr. is heard falling down in the closet] Ooh!
Elsie: [during Mass] How did Joe Kelly get to be a lector? He takes marijuana!
Jack: Maybe if we angle it a little.
Lucy: I think it's wedged.
Jack: Why don't you step back, I'm gonna try an old trick.
Lucy: What's the trick?
Jack: Push it really hard.
Lucy: Ok, push.
Jack: I did.
Jack: [in Peter's Apartment] You stay here a lot, huh?
Lucy: [uncomfortably lying] Oh, you know, feed the cat.
Jack: Peter doesn't have a cat.
Lucy: [winces, but is interrrupted by the appearance of a cat, looking for food. She goes to it and picks it up] Oh, hello, honey, hi...
[discreetly checks tag for name]
Lucy: ... *Fluffy*! Oh, Fluffy...
Lucy: [to Jack] Okay, um. What do you mean by the leaning thing? You mean because he gave me flowers?
Jack: And then you *leaned*
Lucy: And then I leaned.
Lucy: Okay, how did I lean when I leaned?
Jack: It was a lot different from hugging. Hugging's very different. Hugging that involves arms and hands; and leaning is whole bodies moving in like this
[leans toward her suggestively]
Jack: . Leaning involves *wanting*... and *accepting*. *Leaning*...
Joe Jr.: Hey Luce! Is this guy bothering you?
Lucy: [Laughs] No, no.
Joe Jr.: Are you sure? Because it looks like he's *leaning.*
Jack: When did you start seeing Peter?
Lucy: September 17th.
Jack: Three months, that's fast.
Lucy: You have no idea.
Dr. Rubin: [about Elsie] Is she all right?
Saul: [quietly] She has a little heart problem, she's had three attacks already.
Elsie: They weren't attacks, they were episodes.
Saul: Nothing wrong with her hearing.
Saul: So, do you have any family?
Lucy: My mom died when I was really little and a couple of years ago my dad got sick so we moved from Indiana so he could go to research hospital.
Saul: Research. Another word for very expensive.
Lucy: Yeah, I had to quit school and I started working for the CTA and about a year ago he decided he had had enough research and he passed away.
Saul: Did you know I'm Peter's godfather?
Lucy: Really? I thought you had to be catholic for that.
Saul: Ox fudged it over. He donated 50 folding chairs to Father O'Shea's bingo night.
Elsie: I could never make a good pot roast.
Saul: You need good beef. Argentina has great beef: beef, and Nazis.