Gas Station Employee: I'm starting to picking up your sarcasm.
Richard Hayden: Well, I should hope so, because I'm laying it on pretty thick.
Tommy: Let's think about this for a sec, Ted. Why would somebody put a guarantee on a box? Hmmm, very interesting.
Ted Nelson, Customer: Go on, I'm listening.
Tommy: Here's the way I see it, Ted. Guy puts a fancy guarantee on a box 'cause he wants you to feel all warm and toasty inside.
Ted Nelson, Customer: Yeah, makes a man feel good.
Tommy: 'Course it does. Why shouldn't it? Ya figure you put that little box under your pillow at night, the Guarantee Fairy might come by and leave a quarter, am I right, Ted?
[chuckles until he sees that Ted is not laughing]
Ted Nelson, Customer: [impatiently] What's your point?
Tommy: The point is, how do you know the fairy isn't a crazy glue sniffer? "Building model airplanes" says the little fairy; well, we're not buying it. He sneaks into your house once, that's all it takes. The next thing you know, there's money missing off the dresser, and your daughter's knocked up. I seen it a hundred times.
Ted Nelson, Customer: But why do they put a guarantee on the box?
Tommy: Because they know all they sold ya was a guaranteed piece of shit. That's all it is, isn't it? Hey, if you want me to take a dump in a box and mark it guaranteed, I will. I got spare time. But for now, for your customer's sake, for your daughter's sake, ya might wanna think about buying a quality product from me.
Ted Nelson, Customer: [pause] Okay, I'll buy from you.
Tommy: Well, that's...
Tommy: I l-left a message.
Richard Hayden: A message? What number did you call?
Tommy: Two, four, niner, five, six, seven...
Richard Hayden: I can't hear you, you're trailing off and did I catch a niner in there? Were you calling from a walkie-talkie?
Tommy: No, it was cordless.
Richard Hayden: You know what? Don't. Not here, not now.
[Moments earlier they hit a deer, it's now riding in the back seat of Richard's car]
Tommy: Where are we gonna take the deer?
Richard Hayden: I dunno, the vet?
Tommy: You take dead animals to the vet?
Richard Hayden: Why not? I'd take you to the vet.
Tommy: Yeah I'll take you to the... Um...
Richard Hayden: Got that?
Tommy: Shut up.
Richard Hayden: [Watching Tommy eat french fries and then squirting ketchup into his mouth] Ugh, I can actually hear you getting fatter.
Michelle: Listen up, you little spazoids. I know where you live and I've seen where you sleep. I swear to everything holy that your mothers will cry when they see what I've done to you.
Richard Hayden: You're right! You're not your dad! He could sell a ketchup Popsicle to a woman in white gloves!
Tommy: Ketchup Popsicle?
Richard Hayden: Yeah. I learned everything I know from him. I didn't have a real father, but you, he was your real dad and yo just took him for granted.
Richard Hayden: "Hey I'm big Toms' son, I screw things up, but it's ok my dad will fix everything, so I'm allowed to be a MORON!"
Tommy: Did you hear I finally graduated?
Richard Hayden: Yeah, and just a shade under a decade too. All right.
Tommy: You know a lot of people go to college for seven years.
Richard Hayden: I know, they're called doctors.
[Richard's car is destroyed by a deer]
Richard Hayden: No way that just happened. My car is completely destroyed.
Tommy: I swear I've seen a lot of stuff in my life, but that... was... *awesome*.
[bursts out laughing]
Tommy: ... but, sorry about your car, man. That... That sucks.
Tommy: D+?... Oh, my God... I passed! I passed! Oh, man!
Tommy: I got a D+! I'm gonna graduate!
[hugging a stranger]
Tommy: I wish we'd known each other... this is a little awkward.
Tommy: I got a D+! I'm gonna graduate! Give me five!
Richard Hayden: [after Tommy explodes in a client's office] That guy may not call us.
Tommy: I can't believe he called me a psycho.
Richard Hayden: Hey, were you in there just now? You are a psycho... Good God. And comb your hair.
Ray Zalinsky: [after a car crashes into a wall during a crash test] God, I love that.
Tommy: [Trying to copy his father's quote] Hey, I'll tell you what. You can get a good look at a butcher's ass by sticking your head up there. But, wouldn't you rather to take his word for it?
Mr. Brady, Customer: [confused] What? I'm failing to make the connection here.
Tommy: No, I mean is, you can get a good look at a T-bone by sticking your head up a butcher's ass... No, wait. It's gotta be your bull.
Richard: [embarrassed] Wow.
[saying it correctly]
Tommy: I can get a good look at a T-bone by sticking my head up a bull's ass, but I'd rather take a butcher's word for it.
[Tommy carelessly set an open bag of M&M's on the dashboard and they immediately pour into an open vent]
Richard Hayden: Oh that sounds good: melted chocolate inside the dash. That really ups the resale value.
Tommy: I think you'll be okay here, they have a thin candy shell. 'Surprised you didn't know that.
Richard Hayden: I think your brain has a thick candy shell.
Tommy: Your... Your brain has the shell on it.
Richard Hayden: Are you talking?
Tommy: Shut up, Richard.
Thomas 'Tommy' Callahan III: Shut Up Richard.
Tommy: [after watching Ray Zalinski car commercial] Hmmm. He seems like a nice guy.
Richard Hayden: This is the guy trying to buy the company, not to mention put you out on the street, and all you can say is,
Richard Hayden: "Hmmm, he seems like a nice guy!"
Frank Rittenhauer: [Richard is videotaping Reilly and Rittenhauer at the wedding reception] I just wanna tell you, you really look dynamite today, Beverly.
[toasts the camera]
Ted Reilly: Yeah, Tom, you are a lucky man. Boy, would I like to get some of that.
Richard Hayden: Good lord.
Ted Reilly: Oh, God. No. Richard, you got an edit button on that thing?
Richard Hayden: [backing away] It'll cost you!
Ted Reilly: Come here. Come here, you little prick!
Tommy: [admiring his new office] Hey, there's even a fridge! You could put six packs of be...
[glances at his dad]
Tommy: ... soda in here...
[Richard knocks on the door impersonating the maid while Tommy tries to sleep]
Richard Hayden: Housekeeping. You want mint for pillow?
Tommy: Please go away let me sleep, *for the love of God.*
Richard Hayden: Housekeeping. You want me to jerk you off?
Tommy: What kind of hotel is this?
Tommy: Who the hell are... Oh, it's you.
Richard Hayden: Good morning, sunshine.
Richard Hayden: Housekeeping, you want me fluff pillow?
Tommy: [Tommy is stuck in the middle of a lake on a sailboat with no wind. Some kids are mocking him from the shore] You better pray to the god of skinny punks that this wind doesn't pick up, 'cause I'll come over there, and jam an oar up your ass.
Michelle: I saw your step mom and your step brother and he was kissing her.
Michelle: With his tongue.
Richard: He's doing his mommy?
Tommy: Look at 'em there, pretty maids all in a row. I want the one on the left; she's perfect. Which one d'you want? Huh, huh, huh?... Alright.
Paul: Does it make a difference?
Tommy: Oh yeah. Wait a second. Is this your first time?
Paul: Yeah Tommy, it is.
Tommy: God, you're gonna remember this the rest of your life. Can't believe you've never been cow tipping before. Get ready to live. Huh, huh, huh, ssshhhh. She's sleepin'. What you do is, you put your shoulder into her and you push.
Tommy: They fall over, hee, hee, hee.
Paul: And this doesn't strike you as kinda' dumb?
Tommy: We're family, we're gonna be doing lots of dumb stuff together. Wait 'til Christmas.
Ray Zalinsky: Marty, find out where the police are going to be taking him. Send over a bottle of bubbly with a bucket of ice and a card. Have it say, "Tough break, get drunk on me. Use the bucket to ice down your marbles, Yours, Z."
Richard Hayden: All right, now it's sale time, so remember, we don't take no...?
Tommy: No shit from anyone.
Richard Hayden: No.
Tommy: Um, we don't take no prisoners.
Richard Hayden: We don't take no for answer.
Tommy: Oh yeah... We don't take no for an answer! We don't take no for an answer...
[Tommy and Richard have just finished a presentation]
'No' Manager: No.
'No' Manager: No.
Tommy: Gotcha. Thanks.
'No' Manager: [shaking his head 'no'] Mmmm-mmmm.
Tommy: Terrific! Thanks for your time.
[after Tommy has rubbed air freshener on himself]
Ray Zalinsky: Went a little heavy on the pine tree perfume there, kid?
Tommy: Sir, it's an taxicab air freshener.
Ray Zalinsky: Good, you've pinpointed it. Step two is washing it out.
Richard Hayden: Okay, and life preservers, these... we may need. Although what are the odds of us actually hitting a lake? My money says if anything, it's gonna be a mountain.
Richard Hayden: Ok, folks, the guy in front of you is Tommy, he's gonna be taking you through my little spiel here. Tommy is a Scorpio, he likes biking and he's never been laid.
Richard Hayden: It's called reading! Top to bottom, left to right... a group of words together is called a sentence. Take Tylenol for any headaches... Midol for any cramps.
Richard Hayden: Look Mommy, the Rhino's getting too close to the car.
Tommy: Him too afraid to get out, him just a little guy.
Richard Hayden: All right, that's it, fat boy, I'm gonna wail on you.
Tommy: Hey, boys and girls, it's Papa Smurf!
Richard Hayden: You don't want none of me; think it through.
Tommy: Just gimme your best shot.
[Richard Punches him]
Tommy: That was it? Come on you can do better than that, can't you Captain Limp Wrist? Try again!
[Richard punches him again]
Tommy: Hey everybody, is there a window open; I feel a draft!
[Richard punches him twice]
Tommy: If I wanted a kiss, I'd call your mother!
[Richard hits him over the face with a 2×4]
Tommy: That was a good one.
Richard Hayden: [Richard looks up] Hey, Prehistoric Forest!
Tommy: Richard, were you watching Spank-travision?
Richard Hayden: Okay let's get some shut eye.
Tommy: Maybe you were watching a movie with that funny comedian, oh what's his name? Buddy Whackett?
Tommy: [They pull up by a tree] Lord I never had to tinkle so bad in all my life.
[Richard begins driving away]
Tommy: What the? Oh Richard you're a riot. Stop the car. Son of a. What the hell's gotten into you? My thing got stuck in my zipper and I got piss all over my pants.
[as Richard is adjusting Tommy's tie, it comes off]
Tommy: Heh, heh, heh, it's a clip-on.
Richard Hayden: Heh, heh, heh, are you sure?
Tommy: Hey, what's your name?
Tommy: That's nice, you look like a Helen. Helen, we're both in sales. Let me tell you why I suck as a sales man. Let's say I go into a guy's office, let's say he's even remotely interested in buying something. Well then I get all excited. I'm like Jojo the idiot circus boy with a pretty new pet.
[Reaches down and picks up a dinner roll]
Tommy: Now the pet is my possible sale. Hello there pretty little pet, I love you. And then I stoke it, and I pet it, and I massage it. Hehe I love it, I love my little naughty pet.
[Pokes the roll playfully]
Tommy: You're naughty! And then I take my naughty pet and I go...
[makes ripping noises as he tears apart the roll]
Tommy: [Wailing loudly, making the whole restaurant look] Uuuuuuh! I killed it! I killed my sale! And that's when I blow it. That's when people like us have gotta forge ahead, Helen. Am I right?
Helen: God, you're sick.
Reservationist: [Richard is trying to book an immediate flight to Chicago] Oh, I can reserve you a flight coming *back* from Chicago at 5:55. Does that help?
Richard Hayden: Hi, I'm Earth. Have we met?
[Reservationist looks confused]
Reservationist: I don't think so.
[Richard sees a trash bag with tape wrapped around it coming out of the plane]
Richard Hayden: Oh, that has to be you. Spray that thing for bugs?
[Richard and Tommy almost got in a car accident]
Richard Hayden: Hey... I was just thinking... when we stopped for gas this morning I think it was you who put the oil in.
Tommy: Hey if you're going to say I didn't put the right kind in, you're wrong. I used 10-W-30. And besides, motor oil would have nothing to do with this accident.
Richard Hayden: True. But you can't latch the hood too well, IF YOU DON'T TAKE THE CAN OUT, YOU NO-SELLING WASTE OF SPACE.
[Tommy winces at his mistake]
Richard Hayden: I swear to God, you're worthless!
[Tommy sees a pretty woman. Richard is watching from his window]
Richard Hayden: Scram Tommy. Don't give her the weight room thing.
[Tommy approaches her acting muscular and buff]
Tommy: Do you know where the weight room is? I'll check it out.
Tommy: Oh, that's gonna leave a mark!
Tommy: Forget it, I quit, I can't do this anymore, man. My head's about to explode. My whole life sucks! I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know where I'm going. My dad just died, we just killed Bambi, I'm out here getting my ass kicked and every time I drive down the road I wanna jerk the wheel into a Goddamn bridge abutment!
Tommy: Brothers don't shake hands. Brothers gotta hug.
Tommy: Richard, who's your favorite little rascal? Alfalfa?... Or is it SPANKY?
[chuckles as Richard covers his face]
[Richard needs Big Tom to sign some documents]
Richard Hayden: I need your John Hancock.
[Tommy Boy scoffs]
Tommy: It's HERBIE Hancock.
Richard Hayden: What did I say about eating in the car anyways?
Tommy: It's not good cause it spoils your dinner?
Richard Hayden: What is our carrying charge for all the merchandise in the warehouse?
Tommy: Ohhhh, man...
Richard Hayden: One and a...
Tommy: ...half percent. I knew that. Why can't I remember it?
Richard Hayden: Try an association like, uhhh... Let's say the average person uses ten percent of their brain. How much do you use? One and a half percent. The rest is clogged with malted hops and bong resin.
Richard Hayden: And... what about seat belts? To fasten, take the little end and stick it in the big end and... you know what? If you guys don't know how to use a seatbelt, just ring your call button and Tommy will come back there and hit you on the head with a tack hammer because you're a *retard*.
Paul: These shoes are Italian. They're worth more than your life.
Mrs. Nelson: Honey? Look at this human bomb on the news.
Ted Nelson, Customer: Huh? Oh yeah, I buy brake pads off him. I thought we were watching cartoons.
Tommy: Richard? Is this your coat?
Richard: Don't do it.
Tommy: Fat guy in a little coat. Fat guy in a little coat.
Tommy: [singing] Fat guy in a little coat. / Fat guy in a little coat.
Richard: Take it off, Dickhead, I'm serious!
Tommy: Richard! What's happening?
Tommy: Uh oh!
Thomas 'Tommy' Callahan III: No offense, but if I showed a picture of your mom to some of my buddies at school, she'd definitely be "Boner of the Month".
Paul: I'm honored. Is there anything to do in this town besides eat?
[Tommy has a fake bomb strapped to himself]
Nicole Taylor, Action 8 News: Is that why you've strapped a bomb to your chest?
Thomas 'Tommy' Callahan III: Oh, this isn't a bomb. These are road flares.
Ray Zalinsky: Road flares? Did you live under power lines as a kid, or something?
Thomas 'Tommy' Callahan III: Ha ha ha, why?
Thomas 'Tommy' Callahan III: Tommy Likey! Tommy want wing-ey!
Ray Zalinsky: Truth is, I make car parts for the American working man because I'm a hell of a salesman and he doesn't know any better. Well, son, since you're no longer a shareholder, this is where I leave you. Don't feel bad. This chain of events was set in motion a long time ago, and you and bald-headed friend, you did what you could and that's commendable. Marty, have Security see these boys out.
Marty, Zalinsky's Aide: Yes, sir.
Ray Zalinsky: Mrs. Callahan.
[greets Beverly and Paul; Paul waves "goodbye"]
Thomas 'Tommy' Callahan III: [in shock] What's my family doing in there?
Paul: Wait a minute, fat boy. You lost your shares to the bank. You don't even have a right to be here!
Michelle: Gee, it's funny you should bring that up, 'cause I'm not sure that you have the right to be here.
Thomas 'Tommy' Callahan III: Whoa, what have we got here? Oh, my God, it's a Police Report.
Ray Zalinsky: What's all this about?
Thomas 'Tommy' Callahan III: Let's see. "Paul Barrish, married May 1993 to Beverly Barrish aka Beverly Burns". Richard, how could Beverly be married to Paul and my dad at the same time? Interesting!
Richard Hayden: Yes. Provocative.
Thomas 'Tommy' Callahan III: What I think it means is your marriage to my dad was never legal.
Michelle: Which also means that Beverly's shares still belong to Tommy.
Paul: That's it! I'm not gonna take this.
Richard Hayden: Uh, uh! It's not over yet, Lee Harvey.
Michelle: Let's see... warrants outstanding: New Mexico-Mail Fraud. Colorado-Wire Fraud. And coming soon to Ohio, Computer Fraud.
[Paul makes as if to say something, then makes a break for the door]
Thomas 'Tommy' Callahan III: [shouts] Get him!
Ray Zalinsky: Don't let him leave the complex, Marty.
Thomas 'Tommy' Callahan III: [Paul runs into the Zalinsky auto testing center] Hey, you forgot your wife!
Paul: Screw you! Screw all of you!
[trips over the lever that starts the crash test; car drives fast]
Paul: Not good.
Ray Zalinsky: Hit the brakes!
Paul: [screaming; car stops abruptly, sends Paul flying into a chair; a huge test bag drops down and smashes his testicles] Aaahh! Ohhh!
Richard Hayden: Ooh! That will ruin his weekend.
Tommy: [goofing off in front of an electric fan] La-la-la-loo-loo... Luuuke... Luuuke! I am your fah-ther! La-la-lay-lu...
Richard Hayden: [Walks in] Oh, I've interrupted happy time! Now I know you want to sit there and keep being not slim, but we gotta work a little today.
Tommy: That was from Star Wars.
Richard Hayden: I know.
Richard Hayden: My fellow nerds and I will retire to the nerdery with our calculators.
Richard Hayden: [Zalinski turns on a high-powered fan that blows Richard's toupee off] You tell anyone about this and I will kill you, you understand me?
Tommy: Uh... it looks real!
Tommy: Hey, what is this thing?
Louis, Factory Worker: It's a buffer. I take all the small pieces that need smoothing and give'em a zap.
Tommy: Cool, can I try?
Louis, Factory Worker: Sure, give'er!
[Tommy grinds a part with the buffer, it slips out of his hands and the wheel sends it flying across the factory]
Louis, Factory Worker: Nice distance!
[Tommy is celebrating his graduation with friends]
Tommy: Some of us are leaving, and that is sad, but this isn't the end. No way. We're gonna show this world a thing or two. We're going to show...
[he passes out and falls on a table and smashes it]
Tommy: R.T., I think I figured out the problem. This order is going to Columbus. That's a one-day delivery, but you've got it marked down for two.
R.T., Shipping Foreman: That's because it's going to Columbus, Georgia. Not Columbus, Ohio.
[he shows Tommy the shipping address]
R.T., Shipping Foreman: You see these letters by the city? That's called a state. What else you got, Wonder Boy?
Tommy: Uh... that's pretty much it for now.
R.T., Shipping Foreman: Hey, Tommy, maybe you should go back to college for another seven years and study a globe.
Kid in Bank: Hey, Mom! It's the guy who robbed the bank.
Tommy: I didn't rob any bank.
Kid in Bank: Oh, yeah, right. Like it was some other real fat guy with a tiny head.
Tommy: I got a tiny head?
Tommy: Hey, remember your brother Duane? Whatever happened to him? We used to go to Safeway all the time and get caught trying to steal doughnuts.
Michelle: He's a cop. He had to get a real job when my parents moved to Cuyahoga Falls.
Michelle: [holds up box of Dunkin' Donuts] Want one?
Tommy: I'd better not. I have what doctors call a little bit of a weight problem. I used to grab bear claws as a kid, two at a time, and I'd get them lodged right in this region here.
[motioning at his stomach]
Tommy: Uh, what my associate is trying say is... Our new brake pads are really cool. You're not even gonna believe it. Like, let's say you're driving along the road with your family.
[Picks up model car]
Tommy: You're drivin' along, la-de-da, woo. All of a sudden there's a truck tire in the middle of the road. And you hit the brakes. EEEEEEEEE! Whoa, that was close. Ha-ha. Now let's see what happens when you're driving with the "other guy's" brake pads. You're drivin' along, you're drivin' along, the kids start shouting from the back seat, "I gotta go to the bathroom, Daddy!" "Not now, damn it!" Truck tire. EEEEEEEE! I CAN'T STOP!
[Slams model car into lighter]
Tommy: There's a cliff! AAAAAHH! And your family's screaming,
[sets car on fire]
Tommy: "Oh my God, we're burning alive!" "No! I can't feel my legs!" Here comes the meat wagon.
Tommy: And the medic gets out and says, "Oh my God". New guy's around the corner puking his guts out.
Tommy: All because you want to save a couple extra pennies. And to me, it doesn't...
Executive with Toy Cars: Get out. Now!
Tommy: [Richard tries blowing out flaming car] Do you validate?
Frank Rittenhauer: If this factory goes under, the whole town goes under.
Boardroom Woman: That's when the whores come in.
Paul: Excuse me, what was that?
Boardroom Woman: Men laying their trick-money down. Twenty dollars to pay the rent? Maybe not. Maybe instead I'll spend it on the whore.
Boardroom Woman: Whores running around, doing their little behind-shake for the men folk...
Richard Hayden: I kinda like her idea.
Boardroom Man: For Christ's sake. Once during the war I visited a prostitute, and my life has been a living hell ever since.
Tommy: Richard, do I have a mark on my face? It really hurts.
Richard Hayden: Nope, nothing. I thought I hit you on the shoulder.
Tommy: My shoulder doesn't hurt very much, but my face does.
[points to huge bruised area on his face]
Tommy: Right here. Not here or here so much. Right here.
Richard Hayden: Nope. Ship shape! Waitress, can I get that shrimp cocktail I saw in the glass case?
Helen: Yep. And you, what can I get
[pauses and looks at Tommy's face]
Helen: Jesus, what happened to your face?
Tommy: I knew it!
Thomas 'Tommy' Callahan III: Holy Schnike!
Mr. Brady, Customer: But I'm going to be honest with you. I don't like you, probably never will. You're a smug unhappy little man and you treat people like they were idiots.
Tommy: [Tommy comes back into the hotel room unexpectedly, catching Richard spying on a girl swimming topless in the pool with his pants unzipped. Richard immediately dives into bed] Richard, what were you doing?
Richard Hayden: Um, going over some documents.
Tommy: Well, where are they? Geez, I don't see them!
Richard Hayden: They're... in my briefcase.
Tommy: How can you be reading documents, when they're in you're briefcase? Hmm... that's a mystery!
Richard Hayden: [Rolls over to go to sleep] Ok then, let's hit it.
Tommy: Richard! Were you watching, "Spank-tra-vision?" Maybe you were watching a movie with that funny comedian! Oh, whats his name? Buddy... Whackett?
Richard Hayden: Ok, let's get some shut-eye.
Tommy: [Looks out the window] Say! That's a pretty girl down there!
Richard Hayden: Good for her.
Tommy: Gee, I wonder if she goes out with one of the Yankees!
Richard Hayden: Couldn't tell ya.
[Later that night]
Tommy: Big day tomorrow. Hope we can keep this momentum goin'.
Richard Hayden: Yup. That'd be good.
Tommy: Richard... Who's you're favorite little rascal? Alfalfa? Or is it Spanky?
Tommy: [Tommy and Richard are sitting on a park bench after getting kicked out of Salinsky's headquarters] I thought they were on my side.
Richard Hayden: They figured they had something to gain if the factory was being closed.
Tommy: Boy this is the worst. My so called family deserts me. Michelle's mad at me. I've lost the factory, the town's going under and I'm out of a job.
[the park bench collapses]
Tommy: Could've done without that.
Ray Zalinsky: What the American public doesn't know is what makes them the American public.
[Seeing Tommy's office]
Richard Hayden: You have a window! And why shouldn't you? You've been here ten minutes.