Suzanne Stone Maretto: You know Mr. Gorbachev, the guy that ran Russia for so long? I am a firm believer that he would still be in power today if he had had that ugly purple thing taken off his head.
Jimmy: I'll be here every day for life, plus 30 years, if I live that long.
Jimmy: Any time it rains, or when there's thunder and lightning, or when it snows, I have to jack off.
Suzanne Stone Maretto: You aren't really anybody in America if you're not on TV.
Lydia Mertz: Suzanne used to say that you're not really anybody in America unless you're on TV... 'cause what's the point of doing anything worthwhile if there's nobody watching? So when people are watching, it makes you a better person. So if everybody was on TV all the time, everybody would be better people. But, if everybody was on TV all the time, there wouldn't be anybody left to watch, and that's where I get confused.
Suzanne Stone Maretto: [to Lydia in the dressing room] Well, you grow up, you know? You think it's all gonna be like a fairytale. Like you're Sleeping Beauty, and along comes this Prince Charming, and he looks at you, and it's night time, and he smiles at you and kisses you.
Lydia Mertz: Yeah, I - I know that story.
Suzanne Stone Maretto: And then... then you wake up... and it's daylight... and you look at him. It's just when you work all day, trying to perfect yourself and create something meaningful, you expect some support. Does anyone ever say "Did you have a good shoot today?" or "How's the editing going?" or *anything* of that nature?
Lydia Mertz: I guess not.
Suzanne Stone Maretto: No. I mean, the point is... Larry is a nice guy, you know? But he just doesn't know a thing about television.
Lydia Mertz: [about Jimmy] He says that he needs to see you and that he's dying of love.
Suzanne Stone Maretto: Ughhh! Tell him to call a doctor.
Lydia Mertz: And Russell wants his money, and his CDs.
Suzanne Stone Maretto: Really? Well, you tell Russell if he doesn't keep his mouth shut, he's gonna be playing his goddamn CDs in the gas chamber!
Suzanne Stone Maretto: [to Lydia about Russell and Jimmy] It's their word against mine. Who are they? Bunch of 16-year-old losers who grew up in trailers whose parents sit around drinking and screwing their cousins!
Suzanne Stone Maretto: I'm a professional person, for Christ's sake. I come from a good home. Who do you think a jury would believe?
Lydia Mertz: But it's really something when you think that... I'm the one who's gonna be famous. Suzanne would die if she knew.
Suzanne Stone Maretto: Good Evening, from the WWEN Weather Center!
Ed Grant: [to himself] Weather Center?
Suzanne Stone Maretto: You're not anybody in America unless you're on TV. On TV is where we learn about who we really are. Because what's the point of doing anything worthwhile if nobody's watching? And if people are watching, it makes you a better person.
Suzanne Stone Maretto: It's nice to live in a country where life, liberty... and all the rest of it still stand for something.
Suzanne Stone Maretto: I think if you wanted a babysitter, you should marry Mary Poppins
Janice Maretto: [about Suzanne designing her wedding ring] ... it was round... and gold... I mean, big fucking deal!