Mighty Aphrodite (1995)
Lenny Weinrib: Achilles only had an Achilles heel, I have an entire Achilles body.
Kevin: I've had 16 fights and I won all of them but 12.
Linda Ash: You want to go inside, take a shower? You can study me up close and personal.
Lenny Weinrib: Oh... oh, no, I've bathed already.
Cassandra: I see disaster. I see catastrophe. Worse, I see lawyers!
Linda Ash: But seriously, you wanna know why I liked you right from the start?
Lenny Weinrib: Why?
Linda Ash: Cause I'm always attracted to losers
Lenny Weinrib: Losers. You think I'm a loser?
Linda Ash: Yeah, you've got no confidence, it's sweet, I like that in a man. I can't stand those johns who come in and throw down a couple of hundred and whip out a big dick and wave it all over the joint.
Lenny Weinrib: I wouldn't do that, even if I wanted to...
Chorus: Children grow up, they move out! Sometimes to ridiculous places like Cincinnati, or Boise, Idaho! Then you never see them again!
Chorus Leader: You'd think they'd at least pick up a phone!
Laius: But is there a growing void in the Weinrib marriage?
Chorus: We didn't say there was! We're all just speculating on possible motives! Children are serious stuff!
Greek Chorus Leader: Don't go any further. I know what you're thinking, Lenny, and forget it!
Lenny Weinrib: I can't forget it; the thought's been put in my head.
Chorus: Oh, cursed fate; certain thoughts are better left unthunk.
Greek Chorus: Of all human weaknesses, obsession is the most dangerous, and the silliest!
[showing Lenny a novelty watch]
Linda Ash: See, as the mainspring goes back and forth, the bishop keeps fucking her in the ass. It's a genuine antique and it keeps perfect time.
Linda Ash: You didn't want a blowjob so the least I could do is get you a tie.
Linda Ash: And so there I am on the first day, on the set, and there's this guy fucking me from behind, right, and there's these two huge guys dressed like cops in my mouth at the same time and I remember thinking to myself, "I like acting. I wanna study."
Chorus: [referring to Oedipus] Look, here's a man who killed his father and slept with his mother.
Jocasta: [(Oedipus' mother)] I hate to tell you what they call my son in Harlem.
Lenny Weinrib: Adopt, what. I don't want to adopt. Not with my genes. I have award winning genes.
Max: Who is the boss between you and mommy?
Lenny Weinrib: Who is the boss? You have to ask that? I'm the boss. Mommy is only the decision maker.
Lenny Weinrib: I'm sure that you're a state-of-the-art fellatrix.
Lenny Weinrib: This guy's gonna put me in 27 separate Mason jars!
Greek Chorus Leader: Curiosity, that's what kills us. Not muggers or all that bullshit about the ozone layer. It's our own hearts and minds.
Lenny Weinrib: You didn't see Schindler's List?
Kevin: No, no... that was the one with the Jews and the, um... who were the bad guys?
Lenny Weinrib: The Nazis. The blond guys were the Nazis.
Kevin: They were tough motherfuckers.
Lenny Weinrib: I'm completely superfluous.
Kevin: Oh, you don't feel good?
Linda Ash: You're married, aren't you?
Lenny Weinrib: How can you tell that?
Linda Ash: 'Cause you got that look.
Lenny Weinrib: "That look?" What... what look is that?
Linda Ash: That look like it's been a long time since you had a great blowjob.
Chorus: Lenny, don't be a schmuck!
[after learning that Amanda cheated on Lenny]
Greek Chorus: Oh my God! It's more serious than we thought!
Greek Chorus Leader: It's very serious! Her marriage to Lenny is in crisis!
Greek Chorus: With the passage of time, even the strongest bonds become fragile!
Greek Chorus Leader: Great, fellas, it sounds like a fortune cookie!
Greek Chorus: Oh, Zeus! Most potent of gods! We implore thee! We need your help! Zeus! Great Zeus! Hear us! Hear us! We call out to thee!
Zeus: Um, this is Zeus. I'm not home right now, but you can leave a message and I'll get back to you. Please start speaking at the tone.
Greek Chorus: Call us when you get in. We need help!
Lenny Weinrib: He's dicking around in agriculture.
Linda Ash: What's wrong with his dick?
Lenny Weinrib: [at the racetrack] There's a reason the horse is sixty to one though, y'know, he's probably got polio.
Lenny Weinrib: I'm not a violence person! I write about boxing and hockey and football!
Lenny Weinrib: Who's Rickey?
Linda Ash: He's, he's... he takes a percentage of my work.
Lenny Weinrib: He's a pimp right?
Linda Ash: No, he's like a business representative.
Lenny Weinrib: Wha? ...what do you need a business representative...? All you need is a mattress and a couple of garter belts...you're not a conglomerate!
[looking for the right horse to bet on]
Linda Ash: Here's one: Eager Beaver! I once did a film called "Beaver Patrol" about these Boy Scouts who find drunk Girl Scouts in the woods and they take them into a cabin and they reach into their packs and they pull out these dildos and then...
Linda Ash: My father's brother was supposed to be a genius. I never met him, but everybody said he was brilliant.
Lenny Weinrib: Really? What did he do?
Linda Ash: He was a serial rapist. He spent his whole life in jail, but if he had gone straight, he might have been very good in math.