Doctor:
All right, let's just start with every test that starts with the letter A, tomorrow we'll do the B's, and then Thursday...
Nurse:
You play golf on Thursday.
Doctor:
Well, this is an emergency.
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Leprechaun:
Ahhh... lovely golden palaces completely full of riches. I'll rip 'em off and rob 'em blind, those dirty sons of bitches.
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Doctor:
Now listen to me! This may mean the difference between living and dying. Do you have health insurance?
Scott:
Do ya take Green Cross?
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Tammy:
Let me go, you son of a bitch!
Leprechaun:
Now that's no way to speak about me mother, bless her green soul.
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Scott:
[on the phone] Yeah, give me hotel security. Yeah, I'd like to report a leprechaun in your hotel. No, a LEPRECHAUN. Yeah, little green guy. HE TRIED TO KILL ME! Hello?
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Scott:
There once was a lady of Totten / Whose tastes grew perverted and rotten. / She cared not for steaks / Or for pastries and cakes / But lived upon penis au gratin.
Waitress:
Metallica. No, wait... White Zombie. I got the album. Enjoy your spuds!
Scott:
What the hell did I just say?
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Leprechaun:
There was an old man of Madras / Whose balls were made of fine brass. / So in stormy weather / They both clanged together / And sparks flew out of his arse.
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Leprechaun:
Now that was quite a load to have to explode. What a lovely lass, I had to blow up your ass but now I must hit the road!
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Scott:
Have you ever blown a rod before?
Tammy:
I beg your pardon?
Scott:
The engine, I meant. See, you got your pistons and your rods... You don't want to know this, right?
Tammy:
No, actually, I don't.
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Scott:
Excuse me, where can I cash a check?
Mitch:
You old enough to be in here, kid?
[sees the amount of Scott's check]
Mitch:
Yes, you're old enough. Right over there. If there's anything you need, just come to me.
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Tony:
Look sharp, be sharp.
Art:
No, tell him the other thing. The threat thing.
Tony:
Oh. You pay Arthur the money you owe him or I will kill you.
Mitch:
What are you, tough guys? I got hemorrhoids tougher than you.
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Tammy:
Sorry I'm late, Fazio.
Fazio:
I told you, you will address me as Great One offstage and on.
Tammy:
You're a magician, not the Pope.
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Art:
[to Leprechaun] Tell me, what was Judy Garland really like?
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Mitch:
Ladies and gentlemen, due to a slight solicrivilance in the stem of the wheel, the situation is thus - this table is now closed.
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Leprechaun:
I want my gold shilling. Tell me where it is or there will be another killing.
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Fazio:
[Leprechaun has turned his white rabbit into a pile of dung] Oh, shit!
Leprechaun:
A little token of my esteem. It is exactly what it seems. Made fresh daily at exactly 9:00. It comes from my shillelagh. You can keep it in a crock. Ha ha.
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Art:
What do I want? I want brown hair. I want health insurance for all Americans. I want the Mets to get their shit together.
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Scott:
I thought maybe you could sneak me inside the casino to see what it's like.
Tammy:
What? Do you think this is like Disneyland or something?
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Loretta:
Who the hell are you?
Leprechaun:
I'm a leprechaun me lass, and I'm gonna make you pay.
Loretta:
What do you want?
Leprechaun:
Your boobs are big. Your butt is small. But still you're in for quite a fall.
Loretta:
What are you talking about?
Leprechaun:
Oh, well didn't you hear? Bigger is good, but jumbo is dear. I'll give ya boobs that'll come out to here.
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Fazio:
You want magic? Bend over. I'll pull a rabbit out of your ass.
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