Smokey: I know you don't smoke weed, I know this; but I'm gonna get you high today, 'cause it's Friday; you ain't got no job... and you ain't got shit to do.
Smokey: You got to be a stupid motherfucker to get fired on your day off.
Smokey: Weed is from the earth. God put this here for me and you. Take advantage man, take advantage.
Smokey: Puff puff, give. Puff puff, give. You fuckin' up the rotation.
Pastor Clever: [at Smokey] Excuse me brother, what we call drugs at the 74th Street Baptist Church we call the sin of sin sins.
Smokey: Well round here, between Normandie and Western, we call this here a little twenty twen twen...
Craig Jones: Right...
Pastor Clever: Give me a little for my cataracts.
Smokey: You didn't put in on this man.
Old Lady: Are you prepared for Jehovah's return? 'Cause if you're not, we've got a pam...
[Craig slams the door in their faces]
Old Lady: Well fuck you. Half-dead motherfucker. Come on, sister.
Craig Jones: We ain't got no sugar.
Smokey: No sugar? Damn. Y'all ain't never got two things that match. Either y'all got Kool-aid, no sugar. Peanut butter, no jelly. Ham, no burger. Daaamn.
Mr. Jones: Every time I come in the kitchen, you in the kitchen. In the goddamn refrigerator. Eatin' up all the food. All the chitlins... All the pig's feet... All the collard greens... All the hog maws. I wanna eat them chitlins... I like pigs feet.
Smokey: [to big worm on the phone] Yeah, I got your money. And I don't appreciate you sendin' your punk-ass, busta-ass, jerri curl wearin'-ass friends down here to shoot at me and my homies. They'd like to got dealt with.
Big Worm: First of all, don't be callin' here like you some straight up G, cause I'll cut ya balls off and hand 'em to ya, patna. I had to warn you too many times about my money, Smokey. You see, it's the principal. There's principalities in the whole thing.
Smokey: Yea, well, Um, I... I got yo money anyways. You sell that shit yourelf next time, 'cause I'm goin' to rehab. I'm through with this shit.
[lights up a joint; looks at camera]
Smokey: I was just bullshittin'. And you know this, Man!
Joi: [Mrs. Jones hand Craig phone] Hello?
Joi: Who the fuck you go to the show with last night?
Craig Jones: I didn't go to the show last night.
Joi: You ain't got to lie Craig, you ain't got to lie...
Craig Jones: Ain't nobody lyin, I didn't go to the show.
Joi: Yes you did. Cause my sister-in-law's baby cousin Tracy. She told me that she saw you at the show all hugged up wit some tramp. Now tell me who she was.
Craig Jones: Yo sister-in-law's baby cousin Tracy is a goddamn...
[Craig realzes his mom is still in the room]
Craig Jones: ... Yea, she a liar. She ain't see me in no show hugged up wit nobody.
Joi: Mmm-hmm well let me tell you what. You just tell the bitch, whoeva she is, when I catch her, Imma beat her ass!
Ezal: Aw, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. God. Oh, I'm hurt. Oh, my neck, my back, my neck and my back. Oh, I want $150,000, but we can settle out of court right now for twenty bucks.
Janitor: Man, get your punk ass up. It ain't even wet over here. Damn.
Mrs. Jones: Craig, you know what your problem is? You have no game.
Craig Jones: What do you know about game? I got ALL the game.
Mrs. Jones: Now your father... he has game.
Mr. Jones: [coming out of the bathroom] Don't nobody go in the bathroom for about 35, 45 minutes. Somebody open up a window.
Craig Jones: You call that game?
Smokey: Remember it ,Write it down, take a picture, I don't give a fuck.
Smokey: Man that fool just playin' man, I ain't trippin.
Craig Jones: That's yo problem. Aint' nobody playin' but you. You walk up and down the street all day playin'. He aint' playin' you think he playin' 'bout his money? He know where my momma stay know where you momma stay. He say he had a gun when you seen him right?
Craig Jones: Well name one person in the hood that play like that!
Craig Jones: I felt sorry for Smokey, 'cause peer pressure is a motherfucker.
Craig Jones: For most people, Friday's just the day before the weekend. But after this Friday, the neighborhood'll never be the same.
Craig Jones: What I'm trippin on, is how you gonna sell bud, when you smoke it?
Smokey: I don't know. That's my only problem.
Craig Jones: Big Worm gonna fuck you up.
Smokey: Big Worm ain't gonna do a goddamn thing, man.
Craig Jones: All right...
Smokey's mom: Smokey, get me some cigarettes.
Smokey: Well, give me some money.
[Smokey's mom gives Smokey a dollar]
Smokey: Wait, this isn't enough.
Smokey's mom: Make it enough.
Smokey: I got mind control over Deebo. He be like "shut the fuck up." I be quiet. But when he leave, I be talking again.
[Smokey taking a crap outside]
Smokey: You better not tell anybody man.
Ezal: Man, I'm not, man.
Smokey: Keep it on the down low.
Ezal: Alright brother. Damn.
[Looks around and yells]
Ezal: Hey, Smokey back here taking a shit!
Ezal: Well, I won't tell anybody else.
Smokey: Why you not goin' to work?
Craig Jones: I got fired yesterday.
Smokey: No shit? I thought you had the day off yesterday.
Craig Jones: I did. I went in to pick up my check, came home, my supervisor called me about four o'clock, told me he got me on tape stealing boxes.
Smokey: The fuck you stealing boxes for? What you trying to build, a clubhouse?
Ezal: Smoke, buy me a 40oz for my birthday.
Smokey: Today your birthday?
Ezal: What's today?
Deebo: Come on Smoke, Stanley left his window open.
Smokey: I can't I'm on probation.
Deebo: Stop being a bitch and come on.
Ezal: Smokey, you know I ain't the smartest man in the world, but, from back here it look like you're takin a shit.
Big Worm: Can't have shit I'm closed, Fat Boy.
Kid #1: Then give me my money back.
Big Worm: My money.
Kid #1: Mama.
Deebo: What's up, Stanley?
Deebo: Well, fuck you, then, punk.
Ezal: you can have your knife back cause I steal I don't kill.
Red: My pops told me to ask for my bike back... you know I wouldn't trip.
Smokey: [after breaking into Stanley's house] We got about two hundred dollars.
Deebo: I got about two hundred dollars.
Craig Jones: Mom, loan me 200 dollars.
Mrs. Jones: Craig, I wouldn't feel comfortable lending you money without a job.
Craig Jones: If I had a job, I wouldn't need to borrow any money.
Mrs. Jones: Exactly.
Craig Jones: Baby you got some money?
Joi: Some huh! Umm... Nigga how much you need?
Craig Jones: About $200.
Joi: mm... I guess... What you gon give me?
Felisha: , Craig
Craig Jones: What!
Felisha: Can I borrow y'all VCR? I need to dub a tape...
Craig Jones: Hell Naw
Felisha: Its "The Mack"!
Joi: Um... who the fuck is that bitch... fuck u mothafucka... u think u slick... gon come ova here and ask me for some money... well ask that bitch for some money
[scurrrrrrrrr goes the car]
Craig Jones: [Pushes Deebo] Deebo man you trippin!
Deebo: [Evil Look] Whatchu say little nigga
Craig Jones: Man thats a female!
Deebo: Shut the fuck up you little punk before I drop you like I did this bitch!
[Takes out long knife]
Craig Jones: I ain't even tryin to fight you Deebo.
Deebo: [Deebo presumes to give evil look then smiles] Ezal!
[Gives knife to Ezal]
Deebo: you ain't gonna fight me because your nothing but a BITCH TOO!
Craig Jones: [Craig pulls out gun]
Smokey: Damn! Mrs. Parker finer than a motherfucker.
Mrs. Parker: Hi, boys.
Smokey: [quieter, but still audible] When you gonna let me *fuck* Mrs. Parker?
Mrs. Parker: What you say, honey?
Smokey: Huh? Nothing.
Smokey: Why don't you tell your daddy to comb his damn hair, look like some spiders is having a meetin' on his head.
Mr. Jones: I grab a dog. I choke him and I kick the shit out of him. All day long got my foot up a dog's ass. Just bang, bang, bang up his ass. That's my pleasure.
Craig Jones: [points across the street to Mrs. Parker] Look, look, she's bendin' over!
Pastor Clever: Lord have mercy! God is my shepherd, and he knows what I want!
Pastor Clever: [running across the street] Excuse me, Mrs. Parker? Mrs. Parker!
Craig Jones: You better get your ass off your shoulders and make that money.
Big Worm: Playing with my money is like playing with my emotions, Smokey.
Smokey: Older the berry, the sweeter the juice.
Craig Jones: Man, it's the blacker the berry, the sweeter the juice.
Smokey: Yeah, well she blacker than a motherfucker too.
Joann: Damn, Smoke, don't be banging on the door like you the damn po-lice.
Mr. Jones: [on toilet] Boy, get your ass in here. I smelled your shit for... 22 years. Now you can smell mine for five minutes.
Red: [after having his necklace snatched by Deebo] Hey, man, why didn't y'all help me!
Smokey: [slouching in his chair] Man, I'm high.
Red: Man, that's fucked up. If it was y'all, I would've helped y'all.
Craig Jones: What about the time he tried to choke me in Smoke's backyard?
Red: [pause, thinks about it] Oh, that was different.
Big Worm: [as Craig halluncinates seeing Big Worm's head in the kitchen cabinet] You smoking my weed too? I gonna kill you and Smokey because you playin' with my emotions...
[as Craig slams his cabinet door shut]
Big Worm: You heard? Hey!
Dana Jones: [after Craig punches Deebo out] He thinks he's the Mack...
Mr. Jones: Hehe. Macaroni.
Mr. Jones: You win some, you lose some. But you live, you live to fight another day.
Felisha: [clapping] Craig, Craaaaaig! Let me borrow your VCR right quick. I need to dub a tape.
Smokey: [while Big Worm drives away, Smokey mumbles] Florida Evans-looking motherfucker.
Smokey: [after smoking marijuana in the car with Hector and his friend, he finds himself running down the street in his white A-shirt and white briefs] The next thing I know, I was runnin' down the street in my damn drawers!
Mr. Jones: [Mr. Jones snoring and talking in his sleep] Give me the two piece special. Lots of hotsauce and all the fries you can give me. Thank you, thank you.
Mr. Jones: Now when I went to bed last night. Didn't I tell you take out the trash?
Craig Jones: Yeah.
Mr. Jones: So, why didn't you do it?
Craig Jones: I fell asleep.
Mr. Jones: I wish you was sleeping right now, I knock you upside your head with a left hook make your ass wake up and take out that damn trash.
Craig Jones: [Craig goes to the trash can to dump out his cereal]
Mr. Jones: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! What are you doing?
Craig Jones: I'm throwing this away. We ain't even got no milk.
Mr. Jones: You better put some water on that damn shit!
Craig Jones: Alright, I'll eat it.
Mr. Jones: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! Take the garbage out front son!
Smokey: [tearing through Craig's open bedroom window curtain] Break yo' self Fool!
Craig Jones: Man, look what you did to my curtain. You better watch that window you climbing in fool 'fo you get blasted on.
Smokey: With what? You ain't got nothin' man.
Craig Jones: With this!
[pointing his Glock at Smokey]
Smokey: Man, Where you get that from?
Craig Jones: Yo Mama.
Smokey: Fuck you!
Craig Jones: Fuck you! He he he
Smokey: Come on outside man, and stop playing.
Craig Jones: Gotta get dressed.
Smokey: Hurry Up!
Craig Jones: Don't tell me to hurry up!
Smokey: [calling Big Worm on his phone] Hey um, did somebody... page Smokey?
Big Worm: [v.o. on phone] Don't play dumb nigger, you know who the is! You got my money?
Smokey: I ain't got it, but I'm gonna get it.
[Big Worm hangs up]
Craig Jones: What happened?
Smokey: Man he just hung up... I think we better stay in the house.
Smokey: I won, gimme my money.
Deebo: What money!
Smokey: I lost.
Smokey: [after Craig knocks out Deebo] You got knocked the fuck out, man! Give me my goddamn money...
[Smokey takes $200 from a knocked-out Deebo]
Smokey: Payback's a motherfucker, ain't it? Nigga!
Smokey: Pow! Pow, Pow, POW!
Red: [punches Deebo as he's getting up and takes chain back] My grandmama gave me this chain!
Ezal: [slowly walks to Deebo] Deebo? DEEBO! Man, you shoulda been bobbin' and weavin'! Look 'it at ya! GET UP! Since you ain't, maybe I'll take these shoes!
[struggling to take Deebo's shoe off]
Ezal: Big... foot... motherfucker, you can have ya knife! 'Cause I STEAL, I don't KILL.
Mrs. Jones: [looks at Ms. Parker in a disgusted way and says to herself] Look at her... She know she ought to be ashamed of herself comin' out here lookin' like that.
[Yells and Waves]
Mrs. Jones: HEY GIRL!
Mrs. Parker: [Waves back] Hey, how you doin'?
Mrs. Jones: Fine I'm on my way to work.
Mrs. Parker: Call me when you get home...
Mrs. Jones: [fakely] OK...
Mr. Jones: Around here, you go to work or go to school. First of the month, the rent is due. You ain't got nothing on the table, you ain't gotta worry about catching a dog. You gotta worry about a dog catchin' yo ass!
Joann: Smokey, I need you to go to the store and get me some cigarettes
Smokey: Give me the money
Joann: [she hands smokey one dollar]
Smokey: Wait, Wait, Wait, Wait a minute, what's this? This ain't enough
Joann: Make it enough