Eddie: Can I ask you something? Do you know where Harvard is?
A.J.: It's near Boston.
Eddie: No I mean, do you really know where Harvard is? It's another planet man- another universe. Totally unlike the one we know. Filled with big blond guys who eat ivy and row boats. What I'm trying to say is, you and Corey just aren't made for each other. She's different from you.
[Wearing nothing but a MusicTown apron]
Gina: Welcome to MusicTown, may I service you?
[Wearing nothing but a Musictown apron]
Gina: I really think Musictown is torn on the revealing garment issue.
Lucas: Mitchell's the man Joe.
Joe: And the man calls all the shots.
Lucas: Damn the man.
Joe: Let me explain it to you. Mitchell's the man. I'm the idiot. You're the screw-up. And we're all losers. Welcome to music town.
Warren: Me Joe, you Jane.
A.J.: Joe, I need to ask your advice. Now I know you know a lot about love and women and all that sort of thing...
Joe: Oh yeah, my wife left me for another woman and my girlfriend forced me to leave at gunpoint. Does this qualify me?
A.J.: Oh yeah, definitely.
Lucas: Joe, is it O.K. if I leave the couch? 'Cause I'm gonna leave the couch now, okay? My ass is falling asleep, so I gotta go. I'm leaving.
[after Joe beats Lucas up in his office]
[hands Lucas a washcloth]
Joe: You deserved that, you know that.
Lucas: Yeah, I know it.
Corey: My dad always said that there's 24 usable hours in every day.
[Answering the phone]
Mark: Empire Records, open 'til midnight, this is Mark.
[Corey left her bra]
Eddie: You forgot your thingy.
Debra: I went to rock and roll heaven, and I wasn't on the guest list.
Gina: Lucas, what are you doing in here?
Lucas: My life has reached its pinnacle. Joe is letting me close the store tonight.
Eddie: This music is the glue of the world Mark. It's what holds it all together. Without this, life would be meaningless.
Mark: Hey, did you hear about Lucas?
Eddie: Hey Lucas man, I hear you went to Vegas and you married a mobster's wife and now you've got a hit on you and stuff. Is that true?
Lucas: Not entirely true.
Eddie: Well outlaw man, we solute you.
Lucas: Thank you Eddie.
Eddie: No problem.
Corey: So is this how your life's gonna be now, huh? You're just gonna screw every has-been until your tits fall down and they don't want you anymore?
Debra: No visible tattoos.
Gina: No revealing clothing.
Debra: We're both screwed. At least you're used to it.
A.J.: Mark, listening to this crap is guaranteed to make you sterile.
Mark: [under his breath] Maybe I want to be sterile.
Warren: Who glued these quarters down?
A.J.: I did.
Warren: What the hell for, man?
A.J.: I don't feel that I need to explain my art to you, Warren.
Mark: Hey, Lucas. I've decided I'm going to start a band.
Lucas: The first thing you need is a name. Then you'll know what kind of band you've got.
Mark: Right, right. I was thinking about, um, Marc. How does that sound?
Lucas: Is that with a C or with a K?
Mark: Well my name is with a
[checks his nametag]
Mark: K, so I was thinking my band's name could be with a C. That way it's kind of that psychedelic, you know, trip thing.
Lucas: Always play with their minds.
Debra: I tried to kill myself with a Lady Bic. A pink plastic razor with daisies on it and a moisturizing strip.
A.J.: You did have hair when you went in there, right?
Debra: Yeah. It's still in the sink, if you want to glue it.
Corey: I'm not like you, I don't need to do what you do with guys.
Gina: Oh, I see, not like me, the turbo-slut.
Joe: I want you to take these
Joe: , hold 'em against your chest, stand against the wall, and they're gonna take a photograph of you.
Warren: Why don't you go shove 'em up your ass?
Lucas: ...Because it would hurt a lot, Warren.
Berko: [Warren is being taken to jail] Don't drop the soap, Warren.
[Lucas has just gambled away all Joe's money]
Lucas: I wonder if I'll be held responsible for this.
Lucas: Joe, I think it's gonna be okay.
Joe: What makes you think that?
Lucas: Who knows where thoughts come from? They just appear.
A.J.: Lucas, do you think it's possible for a person to be in love with someone else and not even know it?
Lucas: In this life there are nothing but possibilities.
A.J.: Well, that's good, because I have to tell Corey I love her by 1:37.
Lucas: That's an excellent time.
A.J.: What's with you? Yesterday you were normal and today you're like the Chinese guy from the Karate Kid. What's with you today?
Lucas: What's with today today?
Joe: [after Lucas enters] Lucas!
Joe: Where's the money?
Lucas: Joe, the money is gone.
Joe: Yeah, I know it's gone... but where's it gone to?
Lucas: Atlantic City.
Joe: Atlantic City?... Is it coming back from Atlantic City?
Lucas: [nervous laugh] Oh, I don't think so, Joe.
Joe: What's it doing in Atlantic City, Lucas?
[Joe knocks the donation cup that Lucas was carrying out of his hands and grabs his arm]
Joe: Lucas, listen to me. I told Mitchell Beck that you forgot to deposit the money. I told Mitchell that the money was still here.
Lucas: Joe, that's not true. It's in Atlantic City... I swear.
Joe: Shut up, sit down, and don't you move.
Lucas: [sitting down] It could be in other cities by now...
Joe: Oh, shut up! Under no circumstances do I want you to leave that couch... unless it's to get me $9000, and then you bring it here to me, okay?
Lucas: Okay. You know, I think things are gonna be all right now, Joe.
Joe: Oh? And what makes you think that.
Lucas: Who knows where thoughts come from? They just appear.
Joe: ...What a moron.
[Debra has just shaved her head]
Gina: Well "Sinead O'Rebellion." Shock me shock me shock me with that deviant behavior.
Debra: God, that is so clever. I swear you get smarter the shorter your skirt gets.
Gina: And you get smarter the shorter your hair gets, so it's probably a good thing you went with that. It's a wonderful look for you darling.
Joe: Deb, what are you doing?
Debra: I just wanted to have a little chat with Warren.
Warren: Oh yeah? Well have a little chat with my gun.
Debra: [into the barrel of Warren's gun] What do you want Warren?
Warren: STOP CALLING ME WARREN. MY NAME ISN'T FUCKING WARREN.
Debra: Well you can't kill me 'cause I'm already dead. And I talked to God, and she says, "Yo, wassup?" and she wants you to lose the gun.
Warren: What? You are psycho. You're a psycho.
Warren: Stop calling me Warren! My name isn't FUCKING WARREN!
Eddie: His name isn't Warren.
Corey: His name isn't Warren.
Berko: His name isn't Warren.
Mark: I thought his name was Warren?
Gina: Attention Rex Manning fans, to your left you will notice a shoplifter being chased by night manager, Lucas. This young man will be caught, deep fried in a vat of hot oil and served to our first hundred customers. Just another tasty treat from the gang at Empire Records.
Gina: Oh now, Debra, don't be bitter, surely with your ever growing collection of flesh mutilating silver appendages and your brand new neo-nazi boot camp makeover the boys will come a-runnin'.
Lucas: Warren, look what you took.
[going through the CD's that Warren stole from the store]
Lucas: Rap... metal... rap... metal... And Whitney Houston.
Warren: It's for my girlfriend, okay?
Lucas: Suuure it is. You know, someone like you needs to diminish their criminal impulses, not magnify them. Maybe some jazz or some classical.
Warren: Maybe you bite me.
Jane: Actually, his new album tested well among teenage males.
Lucas: Jane, did you compare the percentage of teenage male Rex Manning fans to the incidence of homosexuality amongst teenage males?
Lucas: In the immortal words of The Doors, 'The time to hesitate is through.'
Lucas: The fat man walks alone.
Rex Manning: Why don't you all just fade away.
Mark: [into television camera] Damn the man. Save the Empire.
Lucas: Joe, I can categorically say that you are not a bigger banana-head.
Gina: Isn't it customary to leave the scene after committing the crime?
Debra: Definitely an amateur.
[Joe is talking to the police about Warren]
Joe: [to Warren] How old are you?
Warren: Old enough to kick your butt through your skull and splatter your brains on the wall.
Joe: [to the cops on the phone] Yeah, he's a juvenile.
Lucas: I do not regret the things I have done, but those I did not do.
[about the CDs that Warren tried to shoplift]
Lucas: Rap, metal, rap, metal, Whitney Houston.
Eddie: They're my special recipe... and you know what that means... Lots of sugar.
Mark: We mustn't dwell... no, not today. We CAN'T. Not on Rex Manning day.
Joe: Could you please not sing, Mark.
Mark: You know what Joe? One of these days, I'm gonna show you little people.
Joe: Yeah, well on that day I'm gonna jump outta my wheelchair and do a dance.
Mark: How 'bout today, huh? Rex Manning day.
Gina: I don't know it's just something I've always been able to do.
Rex Manning: Alright. What am I wearing now?
Gina: Jockies. Navy Blue. Am I right?
Rex Manning: I don't know.
Gina: Well why don't you check it out, and you let me know.
Debra: I guess nobody really has it all together, huh?
Debra: I feel like I should welcome you to the neighborhood or something. Anyway, did you really want to do Rex Manning in the count-out room? Is that how you always imagined your first time would be? Your back up against the daily totals and your feet pounding against the safe? 'Oh Rexy stop that. You're so sexy.'
Corey: Why are you being so nice to me?
Debra: Let's save our Hallmark moment.
Lucas: I used to pee in my bed. I did. I, I wet my bed until I was ten. My mother turned me over to the county when I was ten to- not for being a bed wetter- but for being a bad seed. Anyways, 3 years went by, then Joe came. And he took me out, and I became the well adjusted person I am today.
Lucas: $9104. I counted it... twice.
Lady at Craps Table: I like your style.
Lucas: [proud, humble] Well Joe told me to count it twice...
Lucas: The long arm of the law has embraced our dear friend Warren.
A.J.: ...you know, I got to tell her that I, uh, well, you know, that I uh...
Joe: love her.
A.J.: Yeah, now how do I do that?
Joe: You say I love you. What do you want, written instructions?
A.J.: You know that feeling when you get out of a warm bath... well... you make me feel like a bath?
High Roller: That's an 18,000 dollar bet, you sure you know what you're doin kid?
Lucas: I know this, that if I win this roll I will save the place that I work from being sold, and the jobs of my friends that work there. Thus striking a blow at all that is evil and making this world a better place to be in.
Lady at Craps Table: Huh?
Lucas: ...And I'll buy you guys a drink.
Lucas: Mark, who's your favorite singer?
Lucas: Well if Axl Rose was driving down the highway, and saw Rex Manning stranded on the side of the road, do you think Axl Rose would stop and help him?
Mark: [thinks] ... Does Axl have a jack?
Warren: No way man!... Axl would pound on the gas, turn the wheel, take aim, and take that sucker out!
Lucas: Do you know how many people there are out there?
A.J.: Well, about 6 billion.
Lucas: Really... 6 billion... that's a lot of people...
A.J.: Hey Joe, I wanna tell Corey how I feel about her, and I thought you'd be the perfect guy for the job...
Joe: Oh, yeah. My wife left me for a woman and my girlfriend forced me to leave on gunpoint. Does this qualify me?
A.J.: Yeah, absolutely.
[Debra comes out to take over from Corey with her newly shaved head]
Corey: Why'd you do that?
Debra: Just your typical nutty teenager in America...
[Debra lifts her arm to reveal her bandaged wrist]
Debra: Oh! Before you guys hear all about it.
Corey: That's supposed to be a joke, right?
Debra: No. You're the joke.
A.J.: Lucas, hey Lucas. Hey Lucas. What the hell are you doin' here, man?
Lucas: Something happened to me last night. In Atlantic City.
A.J.: Oh, you went to Atlantic City?
Mark: Wow! Did you win anything?
Lucas: No. I did not win. So if you guys ever wonder if it was nice to know you, I tell you now that it was.
Joe: Gina, you'd better go home.
Gina: Am I fired?
Joe: Have I fired anyone today? No. Why would I start with you?
Corey: Joe, you're the best boss in the world. Can I bring Rex his lunch?
Joe: Berko's taking him his lunch.
Corey: Um Joe, you know that Berko's gonna insult him to his face I don't think that's such a good idea.
Joe: I don't care if Berko sticks an M-80 up his butt and lights it. In fact, I hope he sticks one up mine, it might be an improvement.
Corey: Joe, I have to bring Rex his lunch.
Joe: Berko is.
Corey: Joe, I need to bring him his lunch.
Joe: Berko is.
Corey: [screams] I'M BRINGING REX HIS LUNCH!
A.J.: Hi, what're you doing up here?
[Corey pushes A.J so he falls]
Corey: You listen to me! You're so special and you're so talented and you have everything it takes! You have MORE than everything it takes and you're REALLY stupid because you don't know that. And I know you don't love me anymore, and I know that I blew it but at least I know that, and if you don't go to art school and if you don't understand how special you are then you know nothing!
A.J.: Corey, I...
Corey: And I did love you, and I still... only I didn't realise that it really was love because it was more than love and it wasn't just some stupid feeling in my stomach like everything else and I'll never love anybody as much as you and I hate you! I hate you!
A.J.: Corey, I quit. I quit!
A.J.: I'm going to art school, in Boston. So I can be near you.