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Dracula: Dead and Loving It (1995) Poster

Quotes

Van Helsing: [examining Lucy's throat with a magnifying lens] Three tiny puncture Marks on her Throat...

Dr. Steward: Three?

Van Helsing: [breathes on and polishes the lens] Two. Two tiny Puncture marks on her throat.

[Dracula is hypnotizing a valet at the theatre where Doctor Seward is enjoying an opera]

Dracula: You vill tell Doctor Seward there is a message for him in the lobby... and you will remember nothing of what I tell you.

[the valet goes to open Seward's chambers and nods her head. She opens the curtain to Seward's chambers and stands there with her mouth open for a few moments, then closes the curtain]

Usherette: [noticing Dracula standing there] Hello, can I help you sir?

Dracula: [mimicking her] Can I help you sir?

[normally]

Dracula: What's wrong with you, why did you not tell him?

Usherette: About what?

Dracula: About the message!

Usherette: For whom?

Dracula: Never mind! I vill tell him myself. And for your miserable performance, you will receive no tip!

Usherette: No tip?

Dracula: Ah! That, you remember!

[still at the breakfast scene. A grasshopper jumps onto the patio. Renfield, intentionally, throws his fork]

Renfield: Oh! Dropped my fork!

[Renfield gets on all fours and scrambles under the table for the insect]

Dr. Steward: Mr. Renfield, what are you doing down there?

Renfield: Fork found!

[comes back up]

Renfield: Sorry for the delay.

[the grasshopper's leg is sticking out of Renfield's mouth, and wiggling about. Renfield looks at Dr. Seward, confused]

Dr. Steward: My God, man! You're eating insects right from the ground!

Renfield: What makes you say that?

Dr. Steward: I can see one trying to get out of your mouth!

Renfield: Out of my mouth?

Dr. Steward: Yes, out of your mouth! Your very own mouth and it's wiggling about!

Renfield: Don't be ridiculous! Wiggling!

Dr. Steward: I'm not ridiculous at all! It's wiggling all over the place! Poor thing is fighting for its life!

[Renfield eyes the grasshopper's leg, and quickly scoops it up]

Renfield: I don't know what you're talking about. If you insist on ranting like this, I'm going to leave!

Dr. Steward: Me, ranting? You're the ranter!

[Renfield spots a fly]

Renfield: [to the fly] Hello, little darling!

[grabs the air in attempt to catch the fly]

Renfield: Don't be afraid!

[laughs in a strange tone]

Renfield: I won't hurt you! All I want is your life!

[Renfield does a body slam across Dr. Seward's lap, and knocks everything off the table]

[Jonathan had just impaled Lucy, and was hit by two rounds of blood]

Jonathan Harker: Oh! This is - this is ghastly!

Van Helsing: Yes, you're right. We should have put newspapers down!

[Renfield is having breakfast with Dr. Seward. He sees a bug on the table and eats it]

Dr. Steward: I was just telling Ma... what was that?

Renfield: Huh?

Dr. Steward: You just grabbed something from the table.

Renfield: I did not.

Dr. Steward: Yes you did, I saw you, you put it in your mouth. I think it was an insect.

Renfield: [thinks of an alibi] Oh, that was a raspberry.

Dr. Steward: Raspberry? We're not serving raspberries.

Renfield: Then it must have been a raisin. I guess it fell off the muffin. See? There's one missing.

[the two men laugh. Renfield sees a spider coming towards him, and he quickly eats it up]

Dr. Steward: How silly of me! It must have been my imagina... there, you did it again!

Renfield: Huh?

Dr. Steward: You just put a bug in your mouth. I think it was a spider!

Renfield: I did not.

Dr. Steward: Yes, you did.

Renfield: I did not.

Dr. Steward: Yes, you did.

[this goes on for two and a half rounds]

Dr. Steward: [shouts] I tell you I saw you snatch a spider right of the air and eat it!

Renfield: A spider?

[swallows the spider in his mouth]

Renfield: How absurd!

[Dracula is outside Mina's room]

Dracula: [to the maid] Essie... Essie... Your eyelids are growing heavy You will sleep... sleep.

[Essie nods off to sleep]

Dracula: Mina... Mina, open your eyes!

[she does]

Dracula: Arise, Mina.

[she does]

Dracula: Walk to the door.

[Mina opens a door, and goes inside]

Dracula: Mina... you are in the closet. Open the door, and come out.

[she does]

Dracula: Now walk to the Terrace Door. Watch out for the foot...

[too late! Mina trips over the footstool, and goes flying]

Dracula: Stool. Stand up.

[Essie and Mina both rise]

Dracula: Not you. Sit!

[Mina sits]

Dracula: No, not you, *you* sit.

[Essie sits]

Dracula: *You* stand.

[both stand]

Dracula: No! Sit!

[both sit]

Dracula: No, you stand!

[both stand]

Dracula: You walk to the Terrace Door and you go back to sleep! *Watch out!*

[Essie and Mina bump into one another and fall to the floor. Dracula throws his arms in frustration]

Jonathan Harker: Are you saying that Count Dracula is our vampire?

Van Helsing: Yes!... and no...

Jonathan Harker: Then what are you saying?

Van Helsing: I'm saying no. But I'm leeeeaning towards yes.

Dr. Steward: Then you're saying yes.

Van Helsing: No.

Dr. Steward: Then you're saying no.

Van Helsing: Not necessarily.

Jonathan Harker: You sound dubious.

Van Helsing: No -I'm positive!

Jonathan Harker: Of what?

Van Helsing: Of my theory!

Jonathan Harker: And that would be?

Van Helsing: The theory of Yes- or no.

Renfield: Are you saying that Count Dracula is our vampire?

Van Helsing: Yes!... and no...

Renfield: Then what are you saying?

Van Helsing: I'm saying no. But I'm leeeeaning towards yes.

Jonathan Harker: Then you're saying yes.

Van Helsing: No.

Jonathan Harker: Then you're saying no.

Van Helsing: Not necessarily.

Renfield: You sound dubious.

Van Helsing: No -I'm positive!

Renfield: Of what?

Van Helsing: Of my theory!

Renfield: And that would be?

Van Helsing: The theory of Yes- or no.

[after he has inadvertently killed Dracula]

Renfield: Master... I'm sorry !

[draws a smiley face in the ashes]

Renfield: There... you're starting to look like your old self again!

[He breaks down crying]

[after Van Helsing and Johnanthan have returned from driving a stake through Lucy's heart]

Dr. Steward: I don't understand it! he's covered in blood and there's not a drop on you!

Van Helsing: I have been to many stakings- you have to know where to stand! You know, everything in life is location, location, location...

Van Helsing: Why don't we have a look at the brain?

Woodbridge: [smiling] Mhm.

Van Helsing: First we crack open the skull, like so.

[bashes the corpse's head with a big hammer]

Van Helsing: Behold the naked human brain... Examine it!

[throws the brain to Woodbridge]

Woodbridge: [screams and faints]

Van Helsing: Where did her blood go? There's nothing on the pillow case, or her nightgown.

[to Dr. Steward]

Van Helsing: Can you explain zhat?

[looks at Jonathan]

Van Helsing: Can you explain zhat?

Dr. Steward: No, I can't explain zhat.

Jonathan Harker: I can't explain zhat, either.

Van Helsing: No one can explain zhat!

Renfield: [Renfield has been caught peeping at Lucy, and is being thrown back into the Asylum] I didn't see anything! I didn't see anything!

Renfield: [Orderly who threw him in the cell leaves] I saw everything.

Lover at Picnic: Would you care for some wine?

Dracula: I never drink wine... oh, what the hell. Let me try it.

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Dracula: [in a dream walking about in the daylight thinking it's real] Everything is so lovely and colorful, and the sun is so shiny!

[He spots two lovers having a picnic]

Dracula: Say there, I just can't help that it is so lovely out here today, but if I could just spare it for a piece of your... chicken?

Lover at Picnic: Oh sure, and some wine?

Dracula: I never drink... wine

[thinks for about three seconds]

Dracula: Oh what the hell, let me try it.

[tastes the wine]

Dracula: ...It's good!

Renfield: [Running towards him shouting] Master! Master!

Dracula: [Happy to see him] Renfield, look at me! I'm drinking wine, and eating chicken!

Renfield: Master, what are you doing out in the daytime?

Dracula: Relax Renfield, I am cured!

[smoke starts coming out of him]

Renfield: No, no you're not! Look!

Dracula: [realizing the smoke] I... made... a mistake... I've got to get back to my coffin!

[He wakes up in panic noticing the dark out the window then, calms down]

Dracula: It is night time, so it wasn't real, I was having... a daymare.

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Renfield: [as the two Vampire brides climb into his bed] Whatare you on about? What's all this then? Who are you people? I-I'll have you know that's my knee your Straddiling!

Renfield: [they start to gyrate on top of him] No, Stop! Stop it at once! Oh! Ah... No, no this is wrong! This is wrong! This is wrong, do you hear me, wrong! this is-

[He starts to moan]

Renfield: WRONG ME! WRONG ME! WRONG MY BRAINS OUT!

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Jonathan Harker: She's alive?

Van Helsing: She's Nosferatu.

Jonathan Harker: She's Italian?

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Dracula: Renfield, you were having a nightmare!

Renfield: A nightmare? But it was so real, so vivid. Two voluptuous women; grinding, heaving. I don't know how to describe it...

[pause]

Renfield: Have you ever been to Paris?

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Dr. Steward: Count Dracula, allow me to introduce Professor Abraham Van Helsing of London University. He's a doctor of rare diseases as well as theology and philosophy.

Van Helsing: And gynaecology.

Dr. Steward: Oh, I didn't know you had your hand in that, too.

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Jonathan Harker: [having been told to drive a stake into Lucy] Oh, that's horrible. Is there no other way?

Van Helsing: One other. We could cut off her head, stuff her mouth with garlic and tear off her ears!

Jonathan Harker: [after a moment's thought] Give me the stake.

[pauses again]

Jonathan Harker: No. No, I can't do it... you do it!

Van Helsing: It must be done by one who loved her in life!

Jonathan Harker: I only liked her!

Van Helsing: Close enough!

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Renfield: Yes, I'm schh-eduled to meet Count Dracula.

Villager #1: [horrified] Dracula!

Villager #2: [horrified] Dracula!

Villager #3: [horrified] Dracula!

Villager #4: ...Schh-eduled?

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[a bat poops on the stairs]

Dracula: Children of the night... What a mess they make.

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Dracula: [waking up from a bad dream] Oh, it's night-time. I was having a daymare.

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Renfield: [upon seeing two voluptuous vampire women - one rubbing a table seductively, the other rubbing the bedpost seductively] My God! What on earth are you doing to the furniture?

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[Dracula picks up Jonathan by the throat]

Dracula: Arrogant mortal! You are in my world now and you will never leave this attic alive! I will destroy you, and then I will possess she whom you love the most. And there is not a single thing in the world you can do to stop me!

[Dracula laughs. Jonathan pokes him in the eyes and Dracula drops Jonathan]

Dracula: Ow!

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Dracula: [after rising from his coffin and hitting his head on a chandelier] I must move the coffin or the chandelier.

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[Johnathon drives a stake into Lucy's heart and is subsequently hit by many gallons of blood]

Jonathan Harker: Oh... my... GOD! There's so much blood!

Van Helsing: She just ate! Hit her again!

Jonathan Harker: Oh no... i can't...

Van Helsing: How much blood can she have left?

Van Helsing: [Jonathan hits the stake again and is hit with even more blood than last time]

Van Helsing: She's almost dead!

Jonathan Harker: She's dead enough.

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[after becoming a vampire, Lucy comes on to Jonathan]

Jonathan Harker: But Lucy, I'm British!

[Lucy reveals her cleavage]

Lucy Westenra: But so are these!

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Dracula: [his last line] Renfield, you asshole!

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Dr. Steward: Would an enema help?

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Renfield: Yes MASTER!

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Lucy Westenra: I know you've always wanted me, and I've always wanted you. Finally we can be together.

Jonathan Harker: But Lucy, I'm engaged to Mina... and you're dead.

Lucy Westenra: I'm not dead. I'm undead.

Jonathan Harker: Yes, well, I'm not unengaged.

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Renfield: [as the vampire women are seducing Renfield] "Wrong me! Wrong me! Wrong me!"

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Jonathan Harker: [watching Mina's reflection in a mirror as she's dancing with Dracula, where it looks like she's dancing alone] She's doing quite well without him, isn't she?

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Mina Murray: Oh it makes me so happy to be at the Opera! I love this palace of art and beauty!

Jonathan Harker: Johnathan: Oh yes my dear, the Opera is astonishing! The music is frothed with love, hate, sensuality and unbridled passion!... All the things in my life I've managed to suppress so far.

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Van Helsing: Count Dracula. Hmm, curious. Are you descended from Vlad Tepes? The first Dracula?

Dr. Steward: Tepes?

Van Helsing: Ya. It means 'The Impaler.' He was a blood-thirsty butchah. He inflicted unspeakable tortures on the peasants: cutting off their hands and feet, gouging out their eyes and then impaling them on iron spikes!

Dracula: They had it coming.

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Renfield: Master! Master!... I mean... Mister! Mister!

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Dracula: [carrying Essie out instead of Mina] You will be my bride throughout eternity. We'll share the endless passion of immortal love.

Essie: Oh I can't wait!

Dracula: [stares at her in surprise] NOT YOU!

Dracula: [takes her back inside and throws heron the floor, and carries Mina out, speaking very fast] You will be my bride throughout eternity, we'll share the endless passion of immortal love!

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Renfield: No! Not ANOTHER enema!

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Mina Murray: [after Dr.Steward catches Jonathan with his hands on Mina's behind] Without any reason, he put his hands on me!

Jonathan Harker: [exasperate] But she told me to touch it!

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Martin: [throwing Renfield back into his cell] You'll stay in here 'til you rot!

[locks door]

Martin: [Renfield starts sobbing and Martin comes in a second later] Well, you're free to go!

Renfield: Why? How?

Martin: Good behavior.

Renfield: But I've only been here for a moment.

Martin: For that moment, you were very good.

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Dr. Steward: [to Martin, about Renfield] Put him in a straitjacket and give him an enema! Wait, give him an enema FIRST, then put him in a straitjacket!

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[last lines]

Van Helsing: Foushta!

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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