Quotes

Cher: Oh look, Josh is dancing with Tai, he never dances.

Christian: I can see why.

Mel: You drink?

Christian: No, thanks. I'm cool.

Mel: I'm not offering. I'm asking you if you drink. You think I offer alcohol to teenage drivers taking my daughter out?

Christian: Hey man, the protective vibe. I dig.

Cher: He does dress better than I do, what would I bring to the relationship?

Mel: Do you know what time it is?

Cher: A watch doesn't really go with this outfit, daddy.

Amber: Was I the only one listening?I thought it reeked.

Cher: No I believe that's your designer imposter perfume.

Josh: You look like Pippi Longstocking.

Cher: Well you look like Forrest Gump. Who's Pippi Longstocking?

Josh: Someone Mel Gibson never played.

Cher: Anything you can do to draw attention to your mouth is good.

Cher: You can't be the absolute and final word on drivers' licenses?

DMV Tester: Girlie, as far as you're concerned, I am the messiah of the DMV.

Cher: Ms. Stoger. That machine is just a lawsuit waiting to happen.

Miss Stoger: Thanks for the legal advice.

Cher: Until mankind is peaceful enough not to have violence on the news, there's no point in taking it out of shows that need it for entertainment value.

Cher: Been shopping with Dr. Suess?

Dionne: Well at least I wouldn't skin a collie to make my back pack.

Cher: It's faux.

Cher: Christian said he'd call the next day, but in boy time that meant Thursday.

Mr.Hall: So does anyone have any final thoughts on Cher's oration? Elton?

Elton: Yeah. I can't find my Cranberries CD. I gotta go to the quad before anyone snags it.

Cher: [seeking a match for her teacher] Unfortunately, There was a major babe drought at my school. The evil trolls from the math department were actually married and in the grand tradition of P.E. teachers, Ms. Stoger seemed to be same-sex oriented.

Cher: I feel like such a heifer. I had two bowls of Special K, 3 pieces of turkey bacon, a handful of popcorn, 5 peanut butter M&M's and like 3 pieces of licorice.

Travis: I joined this program and there's steps. There's... uh...

Cher: Twelve?

Travis: Yeah, how'd you know?

Cher: Wild guess.

Cher: Would you call me selfish?

Dionne: No, not to your face.

Cher: Are you talking about drugs?

Tai: Yeah.

Cher: Tai, how old are you?

Tai: I'll be 16 in May.

Cher: My birthday is in April and as someone older, can I please give you some advice? It is one thing to spark up a doobie and get laced at parties, but it is quite another to be fried all day.

Cher: I want to do something for humanity.

Josh: How about sterilization?

Mel: What the hell is that?

Cher: A dress.

Mel: Says who?

Cher: Calvin Klein.

Cher: So like, right now for example. The Haitians need to come to America. But some people are all, "What about the strain on our resources?" Well it's like when I had this garden party for my father's birthday, right? I put R.S.V.P. 'cause it was a sit-down dinner. But some people came that like did not R.S.V.P. I was like totally buggin'. I had to haul ass to the kitchen, redistribute the food, and squish in extra place settings. But by the end of the day it was, like, the more the merrier. And so if the government could just get to the kitchen, rearrange some things, we could certainly party with the Haitians. And in conclusion may I please remind you it does not say R.S.V.P. on the Statue of Liberty. Thank you very much.

Cher: Do you prefer "fashion victim" or "ensembly challenged"?

Cher: Searching for a boy in high school is as useless as searching for meaning in a Pauly Shore movie.

Cher: Daddy's a litigator. Those are the scariest kind of lawyer. Even Lucy, our maid, is terrified of him. And daddy's so good he gets $500 an hour to fight with people. But he fights with me for free because I'm his daughter.

Tai: I could really use some sort of herbal refreshment.

Dionne: Oh, well we do lunch in ten minutes. We don't have any tea, but we have Coke and stuff.

Tai: No shit. You guys got Coke here?

Dionne: Well, yeah.

Cher: Yeah, this is America.

Mel: You mean to tell me that you argued your way from a C+ to an A-?

Cher: Totally based on my powers of persuasion, you proud?

Mel: Honey, I couldn't be happier than if they were based on real grades.

Cher: I was surfing the crimson wave. I had to haul ass to the ladies'.

Dionne: Hello? There was a stop sign.

Cher: I totally paused.

Josh: Hey, James Bond, in America we drive on the right side of the road.

Cher: I am. You try driving in platforms.

[about keeping her virginity]

Cher: You see how picky I am about my shoes and they only go on my feet.

Cher: Looks like we're gonna have to make a cameo at the Val party.

Cher: It's like that book I read in the 9th grade that said "'tis a far far better thing doing stuff for other people."

Cher: I am totally butt crazy in love with Josh.

Cher: "Second notice on three outstanding tickets." I don't remember getting a first notice.

Mel: The ticket is the first notice! I didn't even know you could get tickets without a license.

Cher: Oh, you can get tickets anytime.

Cher: Christian had a thing for Tony Curtis so he brought over "Some Like it Hot" and "Sporadicus".

Cher: Lucy, the fire department called again. They said we need to clear out that bush. You said you'd get Jose to do it.

Lucy: He your gardener, I don't know why you no tell him.

Cher: Lucy, you know I don't speak Mexican.

Lucy: I NOT A MEXICAN.

Lucy: [storms off]

Cher: Great, what was that all about?

Josh: Lucy's from El Salvador.

Cher: So?

Josh: So, it's an entirely different country.

Cher: What does that matter?

Josh: You get mad if anyone thinks you live below Sunset.

Mel: Which reminds me, where's your report card?

Cher: It's not ready yet.

Mel: What do you mean, "it's not ready yet?"

Cher: Well, some teachers are trying to low-ball me, Daddy. And I know how you say, "Never accept a first offer", so I figure these grades are just a jumping off point to start negotiations.

Cher: [after she and Josh kiss] Well you can guess what happened next...

[we see a couple about to wed]

Cher: AS IF. I am only 16, and this is California, not Kentucky.

Cher: Suddenly a dark cloud settled over first period... I got a C in debate?

Amber: [makes W with her hands] Whatever.

Dionne: Dude, what's wrong. You suffering from buyers remorse or something?

Cher: God no, nothing like that.

[driving up to a huge house]

Cher: This is where Dionne lives. She's my friend because we both know what it's like for people to be jealous of us.

Mel: I expect you to walk through this door in twenty minutes.

Cher: It might take longer than that Dad.

Mel: Everywhere in L.A takes twenty minutes.

Mel: We're going to have a NICE FAMILY MEAL.

Dionne: [about Murray shaving his head] Why do you care what *he* thinks, Murray? I'm the one who has to look at you! What am I gonna do with you now? And right before the yearbook pictures? What am I gonna tell my grandchildren? You know what? That's it...

Murray: That's it!

Dionne: You wanna play games?

Murray: You wanna play games?

Dionne: I'm calling your mother!

Murray: Wait! Don't call my mom! Don't call my mom...

Mel: Josh, are you still growing? You look taller than you did at Easter.

Josh: I don't think so.

Mel: Doesn't he look bigger?

Cher: His head does.

Tai: Do you think she's pretty?

Cher: No, she's a full-on Monet.

Tai: What's a monet?

Cher: It's like a painting, see? From far away, it's OK, but up close, it's a big old mess. Let's ask a guy. Christian, what do you think of Amber?

Christian: Hagsville.

Cher: See?

Tai: Shit, you guys, I have never had straight friends before!

Mel: Where are you?

Cher: I'm just having a snack at my girlfriend's.

Mel: Where, in Kuwait?

Cher: Is that in the valley?

Josh: I think I'd really like to check out Environmental Law.

Mel: Why? You want to have a miserable, frustrating life?

Cher: Oh, Josh will have that no matter what he does.

Mel: At least he knows what he's doing. And he's in a good college. I'd like to see you have a little bit of direction.

Cher: I have direction.

Josh: Yeah, towards the mall.

Cher: [wondering why she's feels so horrible because of Tai and Josh; looks in a store window] Ooh! I wonder if they have that in my size.

Josh: Look, I'm just curious. How many hours a day do you spend grooming yourself?

Cher: Some people are not lucky enough to be as naturally adorable as you are.

Josh: Stop it, you're making me blush.

Tai: You think I'm a mentally challenged airhead?

Cher: I never said that, I just think you two wouldn't mesh.

Cher: [she side-swipes a parked car] Oh! Should I write them a note?

Cher: [an attractive male waiter walks past the girls, who check him out] Survey says?

Tai: Doable.

Dionne: Puny. I like 'em big.

Cher: Ew I hate muscles!

Tai: You know I don't really mind either way. Just as long as his you-know-what isn't crooked. I really hate that.

Tai: If I'm too good for him, then how come I'm not with him?

Josh: Hey, just because my mother marries someone else, doesn't mean he's my father.

Cher: Actually, Kato, that's exactly what it means.

Cher: Everything I think and everything I do is wrong. I was wrong about Elton, I was wrong about Christian, and now Josh hated me. It all boiled down to one inevitable conclusion, I was just totally clueless. Oh, and this Josh and Tai thing was wigging me more than anything. I mean, what was my problem? Tai is my pal, I don't begrudge her a boyfriend, I really... Ooh, I wonder if they have that in my size. What does she want with Josh, anyway? He dresses funny, he listens to complaint rock, he's not even cute... in a conventional way. I mean, he's just like this slug who hangs around the house all the time. And he's a hideous dancer, I couldn't take him anywhere. Wait a second, what am I stressing about? This is like, Josh! OK, OK, so he's kind of a baldwin, but what would he want with Tai? She couldn't make him happy. Josh needed someone with imagination, someone to take care of him, someone to laugh at his jokes... in case he ever makes any. Then suddenly...