Max: Now you are going to pretend to be me.
Jack Erickson: Give yourself up boy.
Max: Gimme that glue!
Jack Erickson: You still have a chance to be a FINE YOUNG SCOUT!
Max: WHERE IS THAT GLUE?
Jack Erickson: Top pocket.
Max: Put your palms up
[spits off the top of the glue and spreads glue on the wheel]
Max: Now grab hold of the wheel.
Jack Erickson: ARE YOU NUTS?
Max: I said grab the wheel. Come on, I have a gun for Christ sake!
Jack Erickson: You're going to pay for this mister
Max: [spreads glue on top of the wheel] Now put your chin there
Jack Erickson: You know this stuff is permanent.
Max: Do it!
Jack Erickson: Ohh sh... Hey! I can't drive like this!
Max: Keep heading south and don't stop driving until you get to Mexico and I'm going to be right behind you the whole time
[removes the rear view mirror]
Max: Don't try any funny and I'll blow your butt off, got it?
Jack Erickson: Yeah I got it, keep driving, no funny stuff, blow butt off.
Max: [hesitates then answers] Right!
Fishman: Sir, would it be ok if we called you Spider?
Max: Why the h - - would you wanna call me that?
Gordy: Because it's your nick name.
Max: Well fine then. Call me Spider!
Fishman: Spider. Spider. Spider!
Fishman: How come your nick name's Spider?
Max: Because I once killed a kid who called me Spider, one time too many!
Fishman: Yeah, but how could he call you Spider one time too many if your nick name wasn't already Spider?
[making smoke signals]
Fishman: Ok, it's two longs and one short. No, no, no, stop. Stop wait. Two shorts and one long.
Barnhill: Oh great! What are we supposed to do, cross that letter out?
Max: Watcha making?
Gordy: It's a crystal-dialed receiver. You know what that is, right?
Max: Yeah, of course I do. That is a beauty.
Gordy: That's the toolbox.
Max: Alright! Knock it off! What is that? We run and dance and sing and play?
Gordy: My mom kinda wrote the words.
Max: Well they suck! Okay?
[Boys are peeing off of a ledge]
Max: Shake your lizards, let 'em drain. Move your hips and...
Everyone: Spell your name!
Max: Send it straight, send it hard. Now a sword fight, go...
Everyone: On guard!
Max: Eat your veggies, eat your starches. Lean back boys...
Everyone: Golden arches!
Max: Alright! Now flip them and zip them and let's get going!
[little kid rides up on a tricycle]
Kid: Can I play too?
Barnhill: Little kid, go home.
Gordy: We're not playing, we're practicing.
Kid: You guys are silly.
[looking at a Playboy]
Ralph: Whoa! Whoa! Let me see. I bet you've never seen anything like this before, huh, Barnhill. You probably don't even know about the birds and the bees, you butthead.
Kelsey: Oh, and you do?
Ralph: Yeah. That's right, I do.
Kelsey: Oh yeah? Go ahead and explain it to us.
Ralph: Well, I... Uh, I know it's about making babies. And I know it takes a man *and* a woman to make it work right. And that they both have to go into a room. And they both take their shirts off.
Fishman: No! No, no, no. The man doesn't have to take his shirt off. Just the woman!
Barnhill: Hey! Check it out! Len Strader's in her underwear!
Dana: Let me see!
Barnhill: Sorry. She just ducked behind McClipman's house.
Dana: Barnhill, you're such a liar.
Barnhill: You're such a shrimp.
[Gordy's hanging from a ledge]
Max: Hey kid, how's it hanging? Alright, Gordy, I'm coming down to get you.
Gordy: No! You don't know what you're doing!
Max: Of course I do! I'm the Lizard! Remember?
Gordy: You mean the Spider?
Gordy: My mom says the guy who's taking us has hiked all over the world.
Barnhill: I'm sure he won't be half as good as the guy me and my dad had on our trip to the Serengeti.
Ralph: Barnhill, if you're dad is so friggin' cool, then why isn't he our scout leader?
Barnhill: Oh yeah. Spies have a lot of time for the scouts.
Ralph: Nice dolls.
Barnhill: Did you bring a pretty pink umbrella too, in case it starts to rain?
Kelsey: No, I figured we could all just crouch under a pair of your underwear and wait it out.
Fishman: Well guys, we gotta start a fire. Better start looking for pinecones.
Fishman: It says in the manual, whenever your camp is surrounded by green wood, always use pinecones to start your fire.
Max: If the manual told you to stick your wiener in a light-socket, would you do it?
Ralph: We finally get to go on an overnight, and we end up at Grand Central Station.
Gordy: It's better than my backyard.
Ralph: Not by much.
[on the phone]
Marty: Grabelski! What the hell's going on? Some guy on TV said you killed somebody!
Max: I know, but it's not true. I was set up. I gotta know if there's another package for Timberline Inc., to Reinhart Bragdon.
Marty: What the hell's Reinhart Bragdon got to do with anything?
Max: Because that's the guy I killed!
Marty: Oh, so you did kill somebody.
Max: No, I told you I was framed!
Jack Erickson: God bless those little scouts!
Agent Palmer: What? What do you see?
Jack Erickson: Smoke signals! Right by the book.
Agent Palmer: Oh, yeah!
Jack Erickson: Well, almost.
Agent Palmer: What do they say?
Jack Erickson: Belp! Belp!
Max: Let me tell you something, honey. There's nothing wrong with being afraid.
Fishman: Spider, I'm afraid, too.
Max: Shut up, you gutless worm! I'm talkin' to her!
Jack Erickson: Let's get vertical.
Agent Palmer: You expect me to climb up there with just my hands?
Jack Erickson: That's right, dough boy, that's the way to do it.
Agent Palmer: How about when you get to the top you throw me down a ladder?
Dana's father: What The Hell gave you the Right to take away Dana?
Mrs. Patterson: He had a permission slip like everyone else.
Dana's father: You don't Know the Difference between my Signature and a little 10 year olds?
Jack Erickson: You might say I'm the thin khaki line between morality and depravity.
Jack Erickson: That's what's wrong with this country, everybody wants it NOW.
Max: [being stopped by a group of senior citizens walking across with mountain bikes] What is this, a parade?
Max: Come on! Would you move your wrinkled asses? I'm in a hurry here!
[old man laughs and waves at him, mocking wave and laugh back]
Max: Ha ha, I'm gonna run you over!
Jack Erickson: I teach my kids to hunt down the goodness in life.
Gordy: He didn't know the difference in a beehive and a pine cone?
Kelsey: What're you getting at?
Gordy: I don't know.