The Brothers McMullen (1995)
Barry McMullen: I like being a pessimist. It helps me deal with my inevitable failure.
Barry: [holds up a banana] Man is like a banana. Strong and firm, bright and phallic, and he's protected by his all-important shield. But, when a woman comes along, you know, she sees this bright phallic beast and she wants it. So, she starts peeling away your all-important shield.
[peels the banana]
Barry: First, she wants to see your romantic side, then she wants to see your passionate side, finally she wants to see your soft, caring, feminine side. She keeps peeling and peeling until you're left there buck naked, totally exposed with your balls blowing in the wind. And that's when she gets her knife, and she cuts away your manhood piece by piece until she's having your cock in her corn flakes.
Patrick McMullen: What am I going to do with my life? You know I didn't think college was actually going to end.
Patrick McMullen: I don't need any new ideas. I'm confused enough already.
Barry McMullen: [after someone mentions their father] Speaking of our favorite wife beating, child abusing alcoholic, I went to the cemetery today.
Barry McMullen: And I'm happy to report that he's still dead.
Jack McMullen: I am a progressively modern, politically correct housewife.
Patrick: She wants me back
Jack McMullen: What about the baby?
Patrick: She had a miscarriage
Jack McMullen: Jesus, talk about the luck of the Irish
Jack McMullen: [reminiscing about their father] Remember some of that stuff he'd say when he was half in the bag?
Barry McMullen: [mimicking his father] You shut your mouth when you're talking to me!
Patrick McMullen: The only thing I wanna hear out of you is nothing!
Jack McMullen: And when I asked Dad how he liked my new red varsity jacket? He said 'You should get another one in blue and burn the both of em'.
Jack McMullen: Jesus! How about a mercy flush...?
Patrick McMullen: Hey, I'm going to the bathroom here. Whatdja expect it to smell like...?
Jack McMullen: Yeah? Well, you ought to be going to a doctor. Either that or I'll get Molly to change butchers.
Marty: Well listen, you better find some inspiration soon. For one thing, you need the money. And you know what? It's embarrassing - I've gotta tell the people in my business that my best young writer lives on Long Island. Writers live in Manhattan, Barry. Joey Butafucco's live on Long Island. You know what I'm saying?