Billy Madison (1995)
Principal: Mr. Madison, what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.
Billy Madison: Okay, a simple "wrong" would've done just fine.
Billy Madison: [to Miss Lippy] Whoa whoa whoa, Miss Lippy. The part of the story I don't like is that the little boy gave up looking for Happy after an hour. He didn't put posters up or anything, he just sat on the porch like a goon and waited. That little boy's gotta think 'You got a pet. You got a responsibility.' If your dog gets lost you don't look for an hour then call it quits. You get your ass out there and you find that fucking dog.
Principal: Mr. Madison, the Industrial Revolution changed the face of the modern novel forever. Discuss, citing specific examples.
[Billy clears his throat several times]
Billy Madison: Uh... Okay. The Industrial Revolution to me is just like a story I know called "The Puppy Who Lost His Way." The world was changing, and the puppy was getting... bigger.
Billy Madison: So, you see, the puppy was like industry. In that, they were both lost in the woods. And nobody, especially the little boy - "society" - knew where to find 'em. Except that the puppy was a dog. But the industry, my friends, that was a revolution.
Billy Madison: Knibb High football rules!
[the crowd erupts into cheers]
Principal: Mr. Madison, what you have just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.
Billy Madison: Okay, a simple "wrong" would've done just fine.
Frank: Who would you rather bone, Meg Ryan or Jack Nicholson?
Billy Madison: Jack Nicholson now, or 1974?
Billy Madison: Meg Ryan.
Billy Madison: I swear to God I'm sick. I can't go to school.
Juanita: If you're gonna stay home today, you can help me shave my armpits.
Billy Madison: Oh my God. I'll go to school.
Bus Driver: That Veronica Vaughn is one piece of ace, I know from experience dude. If you know what I mean.
Billy Madison: No, you don't.
Bus Driver: Well, not me personally but a guy I know. Him and her *got it on*. Wooo-eee!
Billy Madison: No, they didn't.
Bus Driver: No, no, no they didn't. But you could imagine what it'd be like if they did, right...? Everybody on, good, great, grand, wonderful.
Bus Driver: No yelling on the bus!
3rd Grader: How's high school Billy?
Billy Madison: High school is great. I mean I'm learning a lot. And all the kids are treating me very nice. It's great.
3rd Grader: Gee, I can't wait till I get to "hike" school.
Billy Madison: [grabs 3rd grader's face and whispers] Don't you say that. Don't you ever say that. Stay here. Stay here as long as you can. For the love of God, cherish it. You have to cherish it.
Billy Madison: Hey I'm trying to score points with the teacher today. DON'T SCREW IT UP.
3rd Grader: I dare you to touch her boobs.
Billy Madison: Touch her boobs? That's assault brotha. You double dare me?
Billy Madison: [walks down the bus to the teacher] Uhhh Miss Vaughn, I was wondering how long there's to get there, I need to go to the bathroom.
Veronica Vaughn: Not too long now...
[Billy pretends to fall on her, while groping her]
Billy Madison: Oh, I'm sorry! Damn bus driver drives like an animal!
Veronica Vaughn: That's alright, Billy, why don't you go back and sit now?
Veronica Vaughn: I double dare you.
Billy Madison: [Stuttering] That... tit... accident...
Veronica Vaughn: Go back to your seat now.
Billy Madison: ...I... Yes...
[looking embarrassed now]
3rd Grader: Wa-wa-wa-once th-th-th-there wa-wa-wa-was a-a-a-a g-g-girl
Billy Madison: Kid can't even read
Ernie: Cut it out dude your gonna get us in trouble.
Billy Madison: T-T-T-TODAY JUNIOR!
Knibb High Principal: If there is any attempt for either contestant to cheat, especially with my wife, who is a dirty, dirty, tramp, I am just gonna snap. Do I make myself clear?
Billy Madison: Yes, Sir.
Eric: Yes, Sir.
3rd Grader: Hey look everybody, Billy peed his pants.
Billy Madison: Of course I peed my pants, everyone my age pees their pants. It's the coolest.
3rd Grader: Really?
Billy Madison: YES. You ain't cool, unless you pee your pants.
3rd Grader: Hey look, Ernie peed his pants too. Alright!
Old Farm Lady: If peeing in your pants is cool, consider me Miles Davis.
Billy Madison: OOH. That was the grossest thing I've ever heard in my life. Let's Go.
Kid: Mortal Kombat, on Sega Genesis, is the best video game ever.
Billy Madison: I disagree, it's a very good game, but I think Donkey Kong is the best game ever.
Kid: Donkey Kong sucks.
Billy Madison: You know something? YOU SUCK!
Eric: So he's passed first grade and moved on to second. whooptieto. Any more information, Rollo?
Rollo the Janitor: Uh...
[takes out crumpled note]
Rollo the Janitor: Billy likes to drink soda, Miss Lippy's car is green,
Brian Madison: You remember that spelling bee you won in the 1st grade?
Billy Madison: Oh no, you didn't.
Brian Madison: Rock? "r-o-k"?
Billy Madison: Yea, so what's your point?
Brian Madison: r-o-C-k!
Billy Madison: Ohh! The "C" is silent.
Brian Madison: You were brought up with every advantage, I bought you everything. Toys, cars, vacations, clothes...
Billy Madison: Actually I, uh, stole this shirt from Frank.
[Lifts his shirt to show "FRANK" written on the inside]
Brian Madison: Yea, well whatever, it's all my fault. I made a mistake.
[Looks up to see Billy lifting his shirt]
Brian Madison: What? Are you some damned moron?
O'Doyle: [Throws the dodgeball at Billy as he walks on to the playground]
Billy Madison: [Catches the ball one-handed] Now you're all in big, BIG trouble.
Billy Madison: [shouting] Where's my snack pack?
Juanita: You got a banana, you don't need no snack pack.
Billy Madison: Well, I made the duck blue because I'd never seen a blue duck before and I wanted to see one.
Miss Lippy: Well, I think it's an excellent blue duck. Congratulations Billy, you just passed the first grade.
Billy Madison: Wow, Miss Lippy, that's great. What do you think of that Mr. Blue Duck?
[pretending to be duck]
Billy Madison: That's quacktastic.
Veronica Vaughn: So it's um, the last day of third grade, and you have the teacher alone in your tent, what do you want to do?
Billy Madison: Well I can think of three things I'd like to do. One would involve some ice cubes and a nine iron. Two would include a buffalo...
Veronica Vaughn: Really?
Billy Madison: ...Live or stuffed, preferably stuffed for safety sake, and three, we bring back some of those ice cubes and switch it over to a pitching wedge.
Veronica Vaughn: [to Billy] No milk will ever be our milk.
Billy Madison: No I will not make out with you. Did ya hear that? this girl wants to make out with me in the middle of class. You got Chlorophyll Man up there talking about God knows what and all she can talk about is making out with me. I'm here to learn, everybody, not to make out with you. Go on with the chlorophyll.
Billy Madison: [Veronica has taken Billy out of the classroom after making fun of the kid trying to read My sister Fanny] OW! Your tearing my ear off.
[Sits down on chair]
Veronica Vaughn: [scolding Billy in the hallway] Making fun of a little kid for trying to read. Are you psycho? Do you not have a soul?
Billy Madison: I'm sorry I can't hear you. I've been physically abused in the ear.
Veronica Vaughn: You keep your mouth shut for the next two weeks or I'm going to fail you. End of story.
[Goes back into classroom]
Billy Madison: I see your lips moving but I can't make out the words. I'm deaf. Oh Veronica Vaughn so hot want to touch the heiney.
[Howls like a wolf]
Billy Madison: Arrroooooooo!
Billy Madison: [singing] Back to school. Back to school, to prove to Dad that I'm not a fool. I got my lunch packed up, my boots tied tight, I hope I don't get in a fight. Ohhhh, back to school. Back to school. Back to school. Well, here goes nothing.
Billy Madison: [to his Father] I think Crazy Carl is right.
Billy Madison: Shampoo is better. I go on first and clean the hair. Conditioner is better. I leave the hair silky and smooth. Oh, really, fool? Really.
[Notices gold swan on edge of tub]
Billy Madison: Stop looking at me, swan.
Kyle: Hey, I dare you to throw your sandwich at the bus driver.
[Dan throw's sandwhich at the bus driver]
Bus Driver: HEY!
Veronica Vaughn: Hey who threw that?
Bus Driver: I'll turn this damn bus around! That'll end your precious field trip pretty damn quick huh! Little shit!
[quivers lips up and down while face gets red]
Tenth Grader: [after Billy pushes Eric and Eric falls over] Oh, gross... did you see that guys balls?
Tenth Grader: Yeah... they were weird looking.
[Max meets Eric in the kitchen asking him where the bathroom is, then shows him a magazine with a cover of Max dressed in a wrestling outfit]
Eric: Hey, tubby, how about a little bathroom reading? I have the August 1983 issue of Wrestling World here. There's a terrific article about a wrestler named the Revolting Blob. Gee, you know somethin'? He kinda looks like someone I know.
Principal Max Anderson: Where'd you get that?
Eric: I have a subscription. Bad guy. He threw one opponent out of the ring and hit a bunch of senior citizens. Boy, this wacko looks familiar. What do I care about some stupid phoney wrestling guy?
Principal Max Anderson: My God!
Eric: In June 1983 he sat on some guy's head and killed him.
Principal Max Anderson: It was just a stunt! He was supposed to pinch my leg if he was running short of air.
Eric: With this guy sitting on everyone's head, I wonder how he got his teaching degree?
Principal Max Anderson: No! No, you can't do that to me. Those kids are my whole life!
Eric: So you wouldn't want anything to happen that would make 'em think less of you?
Eric: [then Max ignores Eric] Max, are you ready to cooperate with me?
Principal Max Anderson: [sobs] Yes.
Eric: Then Madison Hotels is as good as mine!
O'Doyle: Mortal Kombat on Sega Genesis is the best video game ever.
Billy Madison: I disagree. Mortal Kombat is a good game but I think Donkey Kong is the best game ever.
O'Doyle: Donkey Kong sucks!
Billy Madison: You know something? You suck!
[after putting dog poop in a paper bag and lighting it on fire on Old Man Clemens' porch]
Billy Madison: Oh my God, Old Man Clemens hates shit.
Frank: Shh, here he comes.
Old Man Clemens: Who the hell is it? What do you want? Judas Priest, Barbara, it's one of those flaming bags again.
Barbara: Don't put it out with your boots, Ted.
Old Man Clemens: Don't tell me my business, Devil Woman. Call the fire department, this one's outta control.
[Old Man Clemens steps on the bag, then lifts up his boot and smells]
Old Man Clemens: Eck, poop again.
Billy Madison: He called the shit "poop".
[Billy, Jack, and Frank laugh hysterically]
Frank: This is the best night of my life.
[They continue laughing]
Old Man Clemens: I'll get you damn kids for this. You're all gonna die.
Juanita: Ooh that boy's a fine piece of work all right. He's a fine piece of ass though, too.
Lunch Lady: Have some more sloppy joes. I made 'em extra sloppy for yous. I know how yous kids like 'em sloppy.
Billy Madison: Lady, you're scaring us.
Veronica Vaughn: So what's it like, being back in school?
Billy Madison: I don't know. I kinda feel like an idiot sometimes. Although I am an idiot, so it kinda works out.
Frank: [to Billy] When I graduated first grade, all my dad did was tell me to get a job.
Carl: I ate some Triscuit crackers in the car, you should have had some.
Eric: Well, maybe if you told me they were delicious Triscuit crackers I could have enjoyed them with you.
Carl: I'm sorry.
Eric: Well, "sorry" doesn't put the Triscuit crackers in my stomach now, does it Carl?
Clown: Hey, kids, it's me. I bet you thought that I was dead. But when I fell over I just broke my leg and got a hemorrhage in my head. HA HA HA.
Billy Madison: [drunk, he sees a fake a penguin] It's too damn hot for a penguin to be just walkin' around here. I gotta send him back to the South Pole.
O'Doyle (Grade 12): O'Doyle rules.
Billy Madison: O'Doyle, I've got a feeling your whole family's going down.
Old Farm Lady: [to Veronica] I'll tell you who it was, it was that damned Sasquatch
Billy Madison: You know I like Snack Pack. Why can't you just give me a Snack Pack?
Juanita: I thought I was your snack pack.
Old Lady: [to the Third Grade Class] What is a horse shoe? What does a horse shoe do? Are there any horse socks? Is anybody listening to me?
Billy Madison: [after Danny shoots Eric] Man, I'm glad I called that guy.
Billy Madison: How 'bout you Sideburns? You want some of this milk?
Rollo the Janitor: I'd rather have a beer.
Billy Madison: [deleted scene]
[running out of the house with Veronica and Juanita chasing him]
Billy Madison: No more studying! No more studying! No more studying! No more studying! No more studying! No more studying! I'm done studying! I'm done studying! I'm done studying!
[hides, crouched, near a tree]
Billy Madison: [Veronica and Juanita catch up] Billy's not here. I'm a dog.
[makes growling noises]
Billy Madison: I bet that snack pack is pretty good huh?
[the little kid smiles and nods]
Billy Madison: Wanna trade me the rest of it for this banana?
[the little kid smiles and shakes his head]
Billy Madison: You know how badly I could beat you, right?
[the kid keeps smiling and nods]
Brian Madison: Billy, could you step in here a moment? I have big news.
Billy Madison: ERIC, IS PREGNANT?
Billy Madison: Hey, Carl. What's up?
Carl: Nothing much, Billy. I see you got a little sun today.
Billy Madison: You think so? I fell asleep by the pool for a few hours.
Eric: Did you fall asleep or did you pass out?
Billy Madison: [sarcastic laughter] Shut up!
Billy Madison: Bunt. B-U-N-T, in perfect cursive. Any more brain busters?
Veronica Vaughn: "Rizzuto"?
[Billy ponders, then writes]
Veronica Vaughn: Rirruto?
Billy Madison: Those're Z's.
Veronica Vaughn: They look like R's to me.
Billy Madison: That's not fair! Rizzuto's not a word! He's a baseball player! You're cheating!
[Billy Madison is having big party for passing 2nd grade]
Eric: [very stressed out] Is he going to have a stupid party every time he passes a grade?
Carl: You know, everyone's having a good time but you.
[a girl is now trying to reach into Eric's suit jacket]
Eric: [shoeing her away] Spoiled snot. Get outta here!
Frank: Hey, you wanna go feed that donkey some beer? Get it all messed up?
Billy Madison: Maybe later.
Dog on TV: Speak for yourself, Moron!
Billy Madison: Ha ha ha, oh my GOD that is funny!
Kid: You got a misshaped head.
Billy Madison: Thank you.
Freshman: [to Billy] Are you in 'Loser Denial'?
Billy Madison: [on the blackboard] Eric drinks his own pee.
Billy Madison: [sings] # Suntan lotion is good for me. / You protect me, hee-hee-hee. #
Carl: Billy is not an idiot.
Eric: I'm not saying he's an idiot. I just think he might not be mature enough to run a Fortune Five Hundred company.
Billy Madison: Give me one more chance, I'll prove I can take over. I'll do anything it takes. I'll go back to high school and take the exams again, and I'll get the diploma all by myself.
Brian Madison: Billy, Billy, it wasn't just high school.
Billy Madison: Okay, alright... Alright, you got it. First Grade through Twelfth Grade all over again. I'll do each grade in two weeks, take the test, re-graduate, prove to you I'm not an idiot, and then I get to take over Madison Hotels.
Brian Madison: That's some idea. You just think of that?
Billy Madison: Yeah, I did. It's pretty good, huh?
Eric: Brian, don't you think the future of Madison Hotels and its sixty one thousand employees is too important to gamble on a game like this?
Brian Madison: No.
Brian Madison: You're on.
Veronica Vaughn: Don't you think it's a little pathetic that just because of who your is Father, you get to do school all over again?
Brian Madison: Yes, I do.
Miss Lippy: I want you all to meet a new friend Billy. Can everyone say hello to Billy?
First Grade Class: Hello, Billy.
Scotty Logan: Mom, that's Billy. He's in my class. I heard he's retarded or something.
Veronica Vaughn: Good morning, class.
Third Grade Class: Good morning, Miss Vaughan.
Veronica Vaughn: We're going to start today by reading together a short story entitled "My Sister Fanny".
[the class laughs]
Veronica Vaughn: Quiet. So let's all open our "Reading Is Fun" books to page sixty nine.
Billy Madison: Sixty nine!
Billy Madison: You want some more of that? I didn't think so!
Veronica Vaughn: [to Billy] You think he's horny? Come here.
Brian Madison: Oh Billy, Billy boy, when are you going to find whatever it is you are looking for?
Billy Madison: [the camera cuts to the street, where Billy and his friends find a piece of shit] Here's a nice piece of shit!
Danny McGrath: [On the phone] Hello?
Billy Madison: Hello? Is this Danny? Danny McGrath?
Danny McGrath: Yeah.
Billy Madison: The Danny McGrath who graduated from Knibb Highschool in 1984?
Danny McGrath: Yeah, who's this?
Billy Madison: Umm... this is Billy Madison. You probably don't remember me but I went to high school with you. And I, um, kinda gave you a hard time back then, and, uh, I did some things I thought were funny at the time, and realized they were just mean and stupid. And I just called to apologize and hope you forgive me.
Danny McGrath: [Nonchalant] Yeah, sure. Don't worry about it, it's no problem.
Billy Madison: Wow, that's great! Well, I am sorry, and maybe we can get together sometime and have some coffee.
Danny McGrath: Yeah, sure. I'd like that.
Billy Madison: [Relieved] Okay, great! I'll see you around.
Danny McGrath: Okay. Bye.
[Danny reaches down, grabs a marker and uses it to cross Billy's name off of a list on his wall titled, "PEOPLE TO KILL". Once done, he puts on a large amount of bright red lipstick, sighs in relief and sits back to listen to his music]
Teacher: Spell "couch".
Little girl: Couch. C-O-W...
Billy Madison: No!
Teacher: [to little girl] No, I'm sorry, that's not right.
Teacher: Well, Billy, if you spell this correctly you pass second grade.
Billy Madison: Couch. C-O-R, uh, are you going to the mall today?
Teacher: No I'm not goin to the mall, keep spelling, mister.
Billy Madison: C-O-U-C-H!
Billy Madison: I AM THE SMARTEST MAN ALIVE!
Billy Madison: You fallin' in love with the wall or somethin?
Ernie: I had an accident.
Billy Madison: You had an accident? What's that supposed to mean - GOO!
Veronica Vaughn: Norman invasion of England.
Billy Madison: 1066.
Veronica Vaughn: That is correct. The Magna Carta.
Billy Madison: 1215.
Veronica Vaughn: Yes. Spanish Armada.
Billy Madison: 1466. '67. 1469. 1514. 1981? 1986? Please do not do that. Come on, I swear... Just hang in there one second. Please, God, give me the answer!
Billy Madison: Suntan lotion is good for me. You protect me; tee hee hee. Oh the sun tries to burn me but you won't let it - will ya? Ultraviolet rays bad. Lotion good.
Billy Madison: [Pttt] Smiley.
Brian Madison: [as he turns around while sitting down] What a mess. First this psycho goes on TV, lies, then retracts it, and now Eric's secretary is in a coma. Carl, has anybody been able to find out anything about this Max guy?
Carl: No, sir. He's vanished. Nobody has any idea where he is.
Eric: I believed in Billy all along, sir.
Billy Madison: [to Eric] Oh, cut the horseshit! I know you blackmailed Max.
Brian Madison: Take it easy, Billy. Things were going along great until this wrestling freak messed things up. Billy should get another shot at high school.
Eric: Hey, rules are rules. Billy was supposed to finish each grade within the two weeks or I get the company. He didn't finish ninth grade.
Carl: Eric, certainly there are extenuating circumstances.
Eric: Extenuating, "exschmenuating". We had a deal. A signed, written deal. Each grade, two weeks, or I get the company.
Brian Madison: Well, technically you're right, but...
Eric: [before Brian could continue talking, Eric interrupts him] Oh, shut up, Brian. I've had to listen to your jawing for too long. "Well, technically..." Blah, blah, blah! Just shut up! So, are you ready to hand the company over to me now?
Brian Madison: No.
Eric: Then, I'll see your ass in court.
Brian Madison: Good.
Eric: [to Brian, Billy and Carl] Nice talkin' to ya, shitheads.
[then Eric laughs and attemps to leave Brain's office]
[from a deleted scene]
Eric: [referring to Max] That's right, I blackmailed you.