Quotes

Tick: Ah ha-ha, chess. The ancient contest of wits. Two opponents: mano a mano. Braino a braino. And look: magnets for ease of travel. You could play chess on the moon.

Tick: And my middle name used to be Helping People, The Helping People Tick.

Tick: And so, may Evil beware and may Good dress warmly and eat plenty of fresh vegetables.

Tick: And, isn't sanity really just a one-trick pony anyway? I mean all you get is one trick, rational thinking, but when you're good and crazy, oooh, oooh, oooh, the sky is the limit.

Tick: Arthur, we're a daddy!

Tick: Can't lose my name, it's on all my stationery!

Tick: Destiny's powerful hand has made the bed of my future, and it's up to me to lie in it. I am destined to be a superhero. To right wrongs, and to pound two-fisted justice into the hearts of evildoers everywhere. And you don't fight destiny. No sir. And, you don't eat crackers in the bed of your future, or you get all... scratchy.

Tick: Don't ever try to swim against the mighty tide of justice.

Tick: Eating kittens is just plain... plain wrong! And no-one should do it, ever!

Tick: Evil, chum, is ever-green.

Tick: He has the mustache of a titan.

Tick: Honk if you love justice!

Tick: I don't know the meaning of the word "surrender". I mean, I know it, I'm not dumb... just not in this context.

Tick: I hate broccoli, and yet, in a certain sense, I am broccoli.

Tick: I'm sure millions of viewers out there are just wondering what it's like to wear the tights of justice. Well, it's tingly and it's uncomfortable, but it gets the job done and, oh, the job of it.

Tick: It's starting to smell a little like danger in here, or heavily-fried food.

Tick: Let your journey into hugeness teach us all a lesson. Absolute power is a sticky wicket. And, Arthur, chum, you were the stickiest. Don't you get it, good friend? Some of the best things come in small packages. But large things can't. Unless they're inflatable, or require some assembly, or unless they're hearts. Yes, giant, juicy, loving hearts. As big as the moon, but much, much warmer.

Tick: Like a great blue salmon of Justice, the mighty Tick courses upstream to the very spawning ground of evil.

Tick: Man. Today is so loopy.

Tick: Nobody mucks around with the Tick's bodily membranes. Prepare for swift justice.

Tick: Oh, look, Arthur, it's a completely rehabilitated villain. She's comfortable with herself. Comfort, commitment, marriage, what do these things have in common? The letter 'C' except for marriage, and if people get all British whenever they get knocked on the head, what do British people get? I know... comatose. Another 'C'.

Tick: Oh, what a goofy work is man.

Tick: Poppa's got a brand-new bag... of fish!

Tick: Space aliens have neat stuff. Their space cookies are good, too.

Tick: Supermodels usually don't date guys who live in the dirt.

Tick: The human mind is a dangerous plaything, boys. When it's used for evil, watch out. But when it's used for good, then things are much nicer.

Tick: Their Achilles' heel is the noogie!

Tick: Wait a minute, you. I heard about people like you. Are you saying you don't believe in Santa Claus? And you call yourselves superheroes?

Tick: Well, folks, there you have it. A day in the life of a superhero and his sidekick. It's a very long day, the tights are uncomfortable; I think we covered that before. Map light, convenient and essential. A lot of working of villain motifs. Crime has a Bossa Nova beat. Leap before you look. Remember denouement. Other French words: inconvenient, nonessential... oh... I could go on and on... But time's a-wasting and evil's out there making hand-crafted mischief for the swap meet of villainy. And you can't strike a good deal with evil. No matter how much you haggle. We don't need to look for a bargain; goodness is cheap because it's free, and free is as cheap as it gets. Cut. What was that pig about?

Tick: Well, once again, my friend, we find that science is a two-headed beast. One head is nice, it gives us aspirin and other modern conveniences... But the other head of science is bad. Oh, beware the other head of science, Arthur. It bites.

Tick: When a nice clean brain tumbles into the dirty street to lay among the discarded wrappers and spat-out gum wads of wickedness, you can't just pick it up and wash it off with soap and water; you have to think it clean from the inside out.

Tick: Yeah, I agree, falling in love with a supervillain is trouble with a capital troub.

Tick: Yes, destiny has her hand on my back, and she's pushing.

Tick: You just toasted the best BLT joint in the tristate area; prepare to pick up the tab!

Tick: You know, Arthur, it's really been quite a day. On the outside, oh, sure, we were pursued by Swiss Industrial Spies, trapped in the belly of a whale. But what really pursued us? Where were we really trapped? C'mon, Arthur. Get meta with me. What pursued us were our own obsessions. I'm good, you're evil. I'm a superhero, you're a sidekick. I'm a woman, you're a man. What does it all mean? Nothing. And where were we all trapped? I'll tell you where, Arthur. In the belly of Love - Love, Chum, Love.

Tick: You know, gang, when you're a superhero, you never know where the day will take you. You may find yourself halfway around the world in the shark-infested waters of true-to-life living. Or you may find yourself going down to the store for a lozenge. You can't know, can you? No. You gotta ride that wave, you gotta suck that lozenge. 'Cause if you don't, who will?

Tick: You know... I've heard the smarter you are, the more wrinkly your brain. And your guys' brains must be the wrinkliest. Oh, sure, ordinary Joes like me and Arthur here, maybe our brains are a little on the smooth side. But you don't have to be a genius to know that evil is bad. And good isn't.

[The Tick is has an eating utensil in his hand. He is trying to come up with a battle cry that will strike terror into the hearts of evil-doers]

Tick: [shouts] Spoon!

Tick: You know, evil comes in many forms, be it a man-eating cow or Joseph Stalin. But you can't let the package hide the pudding. Evil is just plain bad. You don't cotton to it. You gotta smack it on the nose with the rolled up newspaper of goodness. Bad dog! Bad dog!

Tick's Brain: Tick, this is your mind speaking.

Tick: Oh. Hello.

Tick's Brain: Sorry I haven't been around much lately but I'm easily distracted by shiny objects.

Tick: You know, Arthur, when evil is afoot, and you don't have any arms, you've gotta use your head. And when evil is ahead and you're behind, you've gotta do the legwork. But when you can't get a leg up, you gotta be hip. You gotta keep your chin up, and kick some-...

Arthur: Tick, we get the idea.

Thrakkorzog: Cloning is a precise science. That's why I use the Clonerizer. It costs more, but you get what you pay for. My own recipe calls for a generous portion of Dr. Thrakk's Secret Cloning Sauce, a pinch of oregano, 'cause you know a little goes a long way, and last, but not least, your toenail. Mix well aaaaand voila.

Arthur: Are you aware your roommate is a hideous monster from another dimension with evil plans for world domination?

Thrakkorzog's roommate: Listen, a good roommate relationship is based on a respect for privacy.

Arthur: Good *gosh*, man. Didn't you know it was against the laws of nature? Clowns were never meant to be that - big.

Bud Frontier: I know that... now.

Charles: See these insects? That's Coach Fussell's gym class. They made me wear shorts. So I turned 'em into earwigs.

Tick: You know, Charles, sometimes, when I feel like a raving ding-dong, I find a nice bit of chamomile tea...

Charles: Shut up.

[seeing a mass of "Ho-Ho-Ho"-ing Santas rush towards him like a wave]

Tick: [shouting] It's a Yule tide!

American Maid: I've gotta hand it to you Tick, you've really dropped the ball this time.

Sewer Urchin: Yeah. Definitely some serious ball dropping going on.

The Evil Midnight Bomber: And then I says, tell me I'm wrong. and he says I can't, baby,

[shouts]

The Evil Midnight Bomber: 'cause you're not!

The Evil Midnight Bomber: I'm cookin' with gas. I've gotta handful of vertebrae and a headful of mad. Yeah. That's your spinal cord. Baby. Dig it. Who's the man? I'm the man. I'm a bad man. How bad? Real bad. I'm a 12.0 on the 10.0 scale of badness.

Tick: Mysteries abound.

Tick: Arthur, that belt is an accessory of evil, and evil is never in fashion.

The Evil Midnight Bomber: Yeah, baby, yeah! I'm the Midnight Bomber what bombs at midnight!

Tick: Brace yourself while Corporate America tries to sell us its wretched things.

Tick: Check. Here's one sixty seven, one sixty six, one sixty five, one sixty-*fire*!

[a blast of fire blazes through the hallway]

Tick: To safety, Chum!

[the Tick hurls Arthur out of the flames]

Tick: Clear the area! Nobody panic!

Spastic Mad Scientist: I'm not panicking, I'm exhibiting my new invention, Room-Temperature Fire!

Tick: Huh?

Spastic Mad Scientist: Look! The marshmallows aren't even toasting! They remain a comfortable sixty-eight degrees!

Tick: Egad, man! What's the point?