Aunt Noreen: Happy Birthday, Stuart! Do you remember which aunt I am?
Stuart Larkin: The alcoholic?
Aunt Noreen: No...
Stuart Larkin: The one who lives with her "FRIEND", Linda?
Aunt Noreen: No...
Stuart Larkin: Then you must be the ugly one.
Doreen Larkin: Stuart, apologize to your Aunt Noreen!
Stuart Larkin: I'm sorry you're ugly.
Abercrombie Guy 1: So what'd you guys do last night?
Abercrombie Guy 2: Me and the guys from the Crew team went skinny dipping in the lake under the moonlight.
Abercrombie Guy 3: Solid. Yeah, me and some of my lacrosse buddies went to the old hunting lodge and took showers together.
Abercrombie Guy 1: I played touch football in a wheat field with my girlfriend and 13 guys from the water polo team. Then she split and we gave each other hand jobs.
Doreen Larkin: Stuart, what does mama say about little boys who eavesdrop?
Stuart Larkin: Little boys who eavesdrop deserve to know the truth, and the truth is usually devastating.
Doreen Larkin: Stuart, this is your first time in a Chinese restaurant! Isn't this fun?
Stuart Larkin: The waiter's face looked weird!
Doreen Larkin: Well, that's because he's Asian...
Stuart Larkin: [slight pause] Where did his eyes go?
Doreen Larkin: What do you want to eat?
Stuart Larkin: A Happy Meal!
Doreen Larkin: Stuart, this is a Chinese restaurant. They don't make the Happy Meal!
Stuart Larkin: [growling] Then I hate the Chinese!
Doreen Larkin: STUART! That kind of talk is racist! What does Momma say about little boys who are racist?
Stuart Larkin: Little boys who are racist learn to be racist from their mother!
Doreen Larkin: [nods] That's righ-
Doreen Larkin: Oh! Ohh! Stuart, I've never said anything racist in front of you!
Stuart Larkin: [nods] Hmm-hmm! You said that Canadians are wussies. And that black people are not scary if they keep their hair neat.
Doreen Larkin: Oh! Okay...
Stuart Larkin: The French are smelly and can't fight...
Nurse: [Vancome Lady is in a coma] It's hard to tell how much work she had done. I'm gonna need a chisel to get all that makeup off.
Vancome Lady: [thinking] Watch it there, Moesha. I may be a coma but I'm not deaf.
Belma Buttons: Damn, this flight makes more stops than R. Kelly's limo in a preschool parking lot.
Tovah McQueen: God bless Southwest Airlines, the ghetto bus of the sky.
Stuart Larkin: Where did his eyes go?
Doreen Larkin: Well Stuart, they didn't go anywhere, honey. They're just a different shape!
Stuart Larkin: They look like this!
[takes his fingers to his face and presses his eyes together to resemble an Asian]
Doreen Larkin: Well, that's the way God made 'em. Just like he gave you the lazy eye!
Stuart Larkin: I don't have a lazy eye!
Doreen Larkin: Ohh! Yes you do!
Stuart Larkin: Well, you have gray hair in your danger zone!
Doreen Larkin: STUART! Did you peek at Mommy when she was changing again?
Salesman: [to female co-worker] Haha, take it like a man.
Ms. Swan: [to same woman] Yeah, you look like you take it like a man.
[at a Jamba Juice-like store]
Customer: I can't believe you don't have a problem with what you did.
Cloret: And I can't believe you just spent $6 on some orange juice that took a trip around the blender with ice.
Connie Chung: You were great in "Chicago".
Catherine Zeta-Jones: Thank you, that means a lot.
Connie Chung: I know what "thank you" means.
[while on the show "Malcolm X in the Middle"]
Malcolm X: You wanna know what the worst part about childhood is? White people.
Vancome Lady: [to a white tricker-or-treater dressed as a hooded ghost] Hurry up, Blondie, you don't wanna be late to the Hitler Youth Convention.
Vancome Lady: [to a black tricker-or-treater dressed as a jailbird] Oh, and young man, my car has low-jack.
[at a Disney party making Disney jokes]
Bambi: OK, so one morning, Mickey wakes up and looks outside. He sees "Mickey Sucks" written in urine. Mickey calls the police and they say they have bad news and they have worse news. The bad news is that the urine is Pluto's. The worse news is that it's Minnie's handwriting.
Phil LaMarr: And remember: When you watch Mad TV, it's like making love to us with your remote control.
Rosa Parks: What's up with all you white people? Ya'll got no asses! It's like God said, "I'm gonna take your asses and give 'em to the black people!" See...
Rosa Parks: We've got TWO asses!
Chuck: Have you ever been arrested?
Chuck: Well what?
Trina: Well, last March my cousin accused me of stealing her baby. I just wanted to hold it, for a few days, in Mexico, rename it, cut and dye its hair, tattoo things on its pretty little toes. It was all just a huge mistake
DMV Worker: Now turn and face the camera.
Ms. Swan: Live from New York...
DMV Worker: No! That's the wrong show.
Dot: I learned a secret in school: lmnop isn't one letter, it's like - seven or ten!
Dollar Bill Montgomery: We were supposed to get Dr. Bill Cosby here today, but instead we got this anonymous bitch.
Rogaine Washington: Hey, hey, hey, I got a name. It's Rogaine. Rogaine Ephedra-Free Washington. Oh, and I'm not a bitch, I'm a ho. Bitch don't get paid.
Bunifa Jackson: [in an Antiques Roadshow parody, after being told her plate is worth $6] Alright fine, but let me tell you something. I'll take the $6 then.
Appraiser: I'm not interested in buying it.
Bunifa Jackson: No, no it's okay, I'll take the six.
Appraiser: No, no ma'am, I'm the appraiser, I'm not the buyer
Bunifa Jackson: Then why you offer me $6?
Appraiser: No, I didn't.
Bunifa Jackson: Yes you did!
Appraiser: No I didn't.
Bunifa Jackson: Yes you did! Yes you did! Yes you did! Oh, so what am I a liar now? I'm a liar! She just called me a liar! I'm some dumb stupid liar. I'm just some dumb stupid lying bitch!
Appraiser: Ma'am I did not call you any of those names.
Bunifa Jackson: So she gonna say I'm deaf. I'm deaf! I'm some dumb stupid lying deaf bitch with a six dollar dinner plate!
Police Officer: Was he a black man or a white man?
Ms. Swan: You know... black-a like you, black-a like me.
Mrs. Campbell: Now see, that is why I never did buy a gun is because I just don't think shooting yourself sounds like any fun!
Man: Lady, I didn't do it on purpose.
Mrs. Campbell: You didn't? Well, now, let me ask you a question... do you have a television?
Mrs. Campbell: Have you ever seen this TV show? It's called "The News"...?
Destiny: [Pretty White Kids with Problems] Tad, that's very interesting but i can't kiss you!
[music comes to a halt]
Destiny: Even though we are the same age...
Tad: That's right. We're both fifteen.
Destiny: [adding emphasis] That's right.
Steven Cragg: Hey guess what. There's a show on ABC called Rodney starring Rodney Carrington that just got picked up for another season. Hey, Rodney got picked up for another season! Yeah! Honk your horn! Hey I got a question, who the fuck is Rodney Carrington?
[filming the Blair Witch report]
Diane Sawyer: I'm Diane Sawyer. I'm all alone now, and I'm scared. I continue to hear voices all around me.
[off in the distance]
Ted Koppel: I'm Ted Koppel.
Lida: Lee-Lee, your hands are on my tetas.
Melina: Stupid, if I let go of your tetas, you gonna fall.
Lida: Ok, you can keep 'em there.
[under her breath]
Cloret: Who the hell is Count-less Va-john?
Countess Vaughn: It's actually Countess Vaughn. I'm on "The Parkers", it's on the UPN.
Cloret: You on the UPN? That explains why I ain't never seen't you.
Connie Chung: I'm Connie Chung. If you're watching this, it means I'm back on the air. Or you're Maury and this is in the background while Suki and I play our bath tub games.
Doreen Larkin: [in a Chinese restaurant] Well, do you know what you want to eat?
Stuart Larkin: A happy meal.
Doreen Larkin: Stuart, it's a Chinese restaurant, they don't make the happy meal.
Stuart Larkin: [growling] Then I hate the Chinese.
Doreen Larkin: Stuart, I have never said anything racist in front of you.
Stuart Larkin: Mmmhmmm, you said that Canadians are wusses and that black people aren't scary as long as they keep their hair neat. French are smelly and can't fight... oh, and you said that the Chinese were ugly.
Eve: [competing on Hollywood Squares] If UPN ain't got no stars, they shouldn't have done this f***in' show. Can't believe they couldn't get Mo'Nique too busy to do this? LisaRaye, where the hell she at?
[in a remake of the Helen Keller movie]
Helen's Caretaker: Helen, your new teacher is here. Oh I forgot, you're deaf.
Marvin Tikvah: Shelly.
Marvin Tikvah: [lowering voice] Shelly.
[pauses and takes a drink]
Marvin Tikvah: C'MON.
Dale: Carol Finney! Tell us something about yourself, and *not* something I've already said!
Carol: Well, I like to roll nickels... I have a windmill magnet collection... my daughter's my best friend.
Dale: Well I hope your husband is a close second!
Carol: Well he would be if he'd help me roll nickels!
[the Terminator has been sent back in time to protect Jesus]
Jesus: Look, you can't go around killing people all the time.
Jesus: You just can't.
Jesus: Forgive him, Father. He's a robot from the future.
Will Sasso: So who do you think is the biggest phony here tonight?
Laurence Fishburne: You are.
Cosby: If you don't put the pudding back in the fridge, you are a dumb person.
Nautica Brown: And don't forget to buy my book, "Gone With the Wind... My Ass! Hollywood... and the White Man's Lies".
Dollar Bill Montgomery: Damn, that's an angry bitch.
Mr. Swan: Will you shut up? I swear to God I'm gonna cut off your head and throw it right in your face if you don't shut up and listen to me!
Piano Teacher: Okay, Stuart. Have you practiced?
Stuart Larkin: Hm hmm.
Piano Teacher: You're not lying to me are you, Stuart?
Stuart Larkin: [evil voice] If I said I did it, I did it!
Stuart Larkin: My mom said it's okay to talk to lesbians because they take good care of their cats and have a can-do attitude.
Mrs. Campbell: That is so awful for your father to be dying of cancer. It's just horrible. Now... can I ask you a question? Was he a smoker?
Daughter: Um, yes. Yes, he was.
Mrs. Campbell: Well then I just don't understand how he could be surprised. I mean it says it right there on the side of the box, doesn't it? "Smoking Causes Cancer." I know 'cause I've seen it on there. Now... can I ask you a question? Can your father read?
Daughter: Of course he can read!
Mrs. Campbell: Well, I just thought maybe he was illiterate and that was why he was surprised when he got cancer. Because it does say right there on the box...
Anna Nicole Smith: [in reference to her chest] Do you like Mama's meatbags baby?
Anna's Son: Mom?
Anna Nicole Smith: You get old enough I'm gonna letcha touch em'
Ms. Swan: [everyone dances to Dancing Queen, and everything freezes] What the hell?
Joe Namath: Let's face it: VD is everywhere, and chances are you'll probably wind up getting it someday.
Drew Barrymore: I think that marriage is back because love is back. It was all weird when love was gone. I think love was gone because we made fun of it. We called it fat and stupid. So don't make fun of love!
Drew Barrymore: Hey Drew Barrymore, Anne Heche called and said you're spaceship's ready!
Drew Barrymore: [gasps] E.T.'s here?
Stuart Larkin: [talking to the Tooth Fairy] Don't jump on the bed. My mom says only Italians do that.
Doreen Larkin: What does mama say about the smoking?
Stuart Larkin: Smoking is for Europeans and white trash.
Doreen Larkin: What does mama say about sliding down the banister?
Stuart Larkin: Don't slide down the banister because you'll injure your googoo and that's all some men have going for them.
Doreen Larkin: What does mama say about little boys who aren't polite?
Stuart Larkin: Little boys who aren't polite give the pro-choice a better reason to exist.
Doreen Larkin: What does mama say about lying?
Stuart Larkin: Little boys who lie should expect tragedy to visit them on a regular basis.
Simon Cowell: [to Micheal Jackson on All-Star American Idol] Jacko, freak of nature... yes. Pedofile... yes. She-male... yes.
Simon Cowell: American Idol, no.
Various: [to the camera] I don't wanna be here. I wanna be on Friends.
Brenda: So, Stuart, I hear your dad left on a Thursday, huh?
Stuart Larkin: Um-hum.
Brenda: Well, how does that makes you feel?
Stuart Larkin: [suspiciously] Why?
Brenda: Well, I grew up without a father too and I just wanted to tell you... You know, sweetie, it's not your fault.
Stuart Larkin: [pushes Brenda off the couch with his feet] Aaaaahhh!
Brenda: Stuart, that was not very nice.
Stuart Larkin: [reaching out his foot towards Brenda] Say that into the microphone!
Brenda: If I do, will we be friends?
Stuart Larkin: [putting his foot in front of his mouth, sing-songy] I don't know.
Brenda: Well, I don't need to be your friend, then. I'll just sit here and read a magazine.
Stuart Larkin: Where's Mr. Pip's goo-goo?
Various: His what?
Stuart Larkin: His goo-goo. His goo-goo's not there.
Various: I'm sorry, I don't understand...
Doreen Larkin: Well, he's talking about his goo-goo, his ding-a-ling, duh!
Jessica Simpson: Lord, I hope they never make ''The Honeymooners 2''.
Dr. Phil: [while stuffing his maid's face with cake] You're like a little Latino sponge, sucking up what you like to have.
Dr. Phil: [looks into the camera] What the frick? Is that a camera?
[draws a gun and shoots the camera]
Doreen Larkin: What does mama say about swearing?
Stuart Larkin: Mama says, little boys who swear grow up to Democrats.
Simon Cowell: You have taken my love of music and ripped it to shreads, pissed on it, and threw it in a dumpster...
Simon Cowell: ... pulled it out of the dumpster, raped it, aborted it, and cooked it in a stew and then spoon fed it back to me!
Man: [a t-ball coach teaching Stuart to swing] Now, Stuart, you have to get angry and swing at the ball. What makes you angry , Stuart?
Stuart Larkin: [eyes narrow, voice becomes a growling whisper] The *world*.
Girl in Tow Truck: I'm an only child, and I always wanted to be a part of a big family.
Depressed Persian Tow Truck Man: Then you are stupid.
Bob Dole: Maybe I can win Texas, but I can't win your love. And Texas doesn't look good naked.
Ricky Martin: Ask me how I feel, come on, ask me how I feel.
Security Guard: [imitating Ricky] Okay, how do you feel?
Ricky Martin: I feel crazy, man!
Jessica Simpson: Finally, I was like Korean babies are too stressful. So, I sent him back to China, or where ever Korean babies come from.
Spishak Spokesman: How many times has this happened to you?