Father Ted (1995–1998)
Father Ted: Now concentrate this time, Dougal. These
[he points to some plastic cows on the table]
Father Ted: are small, but those
[pointing at some cows out of the window]
Father Ted: are far away... Small, far away
[Dougal shakes his head in confusion]
Father Ted: Ah forget it...
Father Ted: Fascists dress in black and go around telling people what to do, whereas priests... more drink!
Father Ted: It's not as if everyone's going to go off and join some mad religious cult just because we go off for a picnic for a couple of hours.
Father Dougal: God, Ted, I heard about those cults. Everyone dressing in black and saying our Lord's gonna come back and judge us all!
Father Ted: No... No, Dougal, that's us. That's Catholicism.
Father Dougal: Hello Len.
Bishop Brennan: Don't call me Len, you little prick. I'm a bishop!
Father Dougal: Oh right. Well done.
[Dougal has named his pet rabbit Father Jack Hackett]
Father Ted: No, Dougal, this is too confusing, you'll have to pick a new name.
Father Dougal: Ah, could we not call Jack something else?
Father Ted: Oh, great, what'll we call him? Flipper! Flipper the Priest!
Father Jack Hackett: Yes?
Father Ted: Come on, Dougal, switch the television off. Chewing gum for the eyes!
Father Dougal: No thanks, Ted!
Father Ted: What was that sermon about?
Father Dougal: Sorry Ted, I was concentrating too hard on looking holy.
[Tom has just robbed the local post office]
Father Ted: Are you up to your old tricks, Tom?
Tom: No, Father. It's my money. I just didn't want to fill out the forms.
[Ted answers the phone]
Bishop Brennan: Crilly, It's me.
Father Ted: Oh Feck!
Bishop Brennan: What?
Father Ted: [in French accent] Who ees thees? Zere is no Creely 'ere.
[Ted hangs up]
Father Ted: God almighty! I just said "feck" to Bishop Brennan!
Father Dougal: Oho! He won't like that!
Father Ted: It might be alright though. I disguised my voice so he'd think he dialled the wrong number.
[phone rings, Ted picks it up]
Father Ted: Ah, Bishop Brennan. I think you must have got the wrong number when you called there.
[Mrs. Doyle rolls Father Jack into the room on his wheelchair. Father Jack sees nuns in the room]
Father Jack Hackett: Nuns! Nuns! Reverse!
[Father Jack has sobered up and is remembering words. He sees Sister Assumpta]
Father Jack Hackett: Nan!
Father Ted: No, Father this is a nun.
Father Jack Hackett: [Terrified] Nun!
[Runs out the window]
Father Ted: [Waves] Bye, Father!
Father Ted: He's just out for his walk
Mrs Doyle: You'll have some tea... are you sure you don't want any? Aw go on, you'll have some. Go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on GO ON!
Mrs Doyle: There's always time for a nice cup of tea. Sure, didn't the Lord himself pause for a nice cup of tea before giving himself up for the world.
Father Ted: No, he didn't, Mrs Doyle!
Mrs Doyle: Well, whatever the equivalent they had for tea in those days, cake or something. And speaking of cake, I have cake!
[holds up a cupcake]
Father Ted: No, thanks, Mrs Doyle.
Mrs Doyle: Are you sure, Father? There's cocaine in it!
Father Ted: WHAT?
Mrs Doyle: Oh, no, not cocaine. God, what am I on about. No, what d'you call them. Raisins.
Father Ted: That's the great thing about Catholicism - it's very vague and no-one knows what its really all about.
Father Ted: Ah, it's nothing. Just went mad for a second, there.
Father Ted: You won't be able to come with me... when I go into space. I'm going to be the first priest in space.
Father Dougal: God Ted, first America then space, what next?
Eoin McLove: Get away from me! I don't want to catch the menopause!
Father Ted: That's right, Dougal. You see, ordinary shops sell what look like black socks, but if you look closely, you'll see that they're very, very, very, very, very, very, very dark blue.
Father Dougal: That's true. I thought my Uncle Tommy was wearing black socks, but when I looked at them closely, they were just very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very dark blue.
Father Ted: Never buy black socks from a normal shop.
[Whispers to Dougal]
Father Ted: They shaft you every time!
[Dougal looks worried]
Father Ted: Meals are at eleven, one, half-two, three, five, seven, and nine, and if you want a quick snack, you can just ask Mrs. Doyle there.
Father Jack Hackett: [looking for beer] Drink!
Father Ted: You won't find any there father. I put it somewhere very safe.
Father Jack Hackett: Where?
[we see a cave above a sea - in the cave is all the beer]
Father Dougal: Knock-knock, Ted.
Father Ted: Who's there?
Father Dougal: Father Dougal McGuire.
Father Ted: Good night, Dougal.
Father Dougal: Next you're going to tell us you're Santa.
Father Ted: No Dougal. I'm the opposite of Santa.
Father Dougal: The anti-Santa?
Father Ted: [in the department store] Where did you manage to stick Jack in the end?
Father Dougal: Ah, they've got this great place, Ted where you can put people who don't want to go shopping. They can just stay there and have a laugh.
Father Ted: Really? Never heard of that. Were there other people there?
Father Dougal: Ah, loads of people, Ted. He'll be fine.
[cut to Jack, in the creche, smoking a cigarette and surrounded by children playing]
Father Jack Hackett: [after Bishop Brennan asks how he is] Arsebiscuits!
Father Niall Haverty: [shocked] How dare you say that to His Grace, you must apologize immediately!
Father Jack Hackett: [Father Ted squirms, as Father Jack sits up and puts his hands on his front like a rabbit, and in a rabbit-like voice] I'm... so... sooo... sorry.
[then nibbles like a rabbit]
Father Ted: [to Mrs. Doyle] Now that's sarcasm.
Father Ted: It's fabulous being a priest - think of all that comfort you bring to the sick and dying. They love it, they can't get enough of it!
Father Dougal: Ahh, lets see, I'll have the Hindu Curry, Steak and Chips, and a glass of Coke thanks.
Policeman: Do you know where you are? You're in a police station.
Father Dougal: Oh right. Well, in that case, I'll just have the Satay Chicken
[to his pet rabbit]
Father Dougal: Come on, Sampras.
Father Ted: What did you call him?
Father Dougal: Sampras, like Pete Sampras.
Father Ted: Why?
Father Dougal: Well... you know, rabbits, tennis, you know that whole connection there.
Father Dougal: Well, Ted, as I said last time, it won't happen again.
Father Ted: How long has Father Jack been living in there?
Father Dougal: Uh, he started just a few days after you left.
Father Ted: Maybe he's agoraphobic?
Father Dougal: Jack scared of fighting? I don't think so Ted.
Father Ted: No, no, no, no. Father Nolan was in the gas explosion. It punched a hole in his chest the size of a football. When they found him afterwards, they were only able to identify him by his dental records.
Father Dougal: Poor Father Nolan!
Father Ted: Yes, he's very low at the moment.
Father Dougal: I know! Well lure them into a giant bingo game!
Father Ted: And how are we going to do that?
Father Dougal: We'll print up some bingo cards on our printing press and... oh.
Father Ted: Yes, it's the lack of a printing press that lets us down there. Or bingo balls. Or a PA system. Or in fact, any bingo paraphernalia at all.
Father Dougal: Damn. So near, yet so far.
Father Dougal: It's like a big tide of jam coming toward us, but jam made out of old women.
Father Ted: It's just a rush. I feel fearless. Like Jeff Bridges in that movie.
Father Dougal: I didn't see that one.
Father Ted: Not many people have, Dougal. It's probably a bad reference.
Father Jack Hackett: [all sobered up] Priests? Don't tell me I'm still on that Fecking Island!
Father Ted: [slideshow] The Chinese. A grand bunch of lads.
Father Jack Hackett: That would be an ecumenical matter!
Mrs Doyle: Would you like a cup of tea, Father?
Visiting Priest: No, I'm allergic. If I drink tea there's a chance I'll die.
Mrs Doyle: Well, I'll make you one anyway!
Father Ted: Heart of Gold that man, he'd do anything to you... for you.
Tarot Reader: [Father Ted turns over a third "Death" card] This is really weird! There's only supposed to be one in each pack!
Mrs. Doyle's Friend: I swear I won't tell anyone, and if I do may I be struck down by every disease a middle-aged woman can get, which as you and I know is a hell of a lot of diseases.
Bishop: [after a two-minute conversation with Dougal] It's all nonsense, isn't it?
Father Dougal: Ah, what are you after, Ted?
Father Ted: I'm not after anything. It's not unknown for Priests to pray once in a while.
Henry Sellars: Ah, you Priests! Sanctimonious bastards! Made my life a misery!