Memorable quotes for
"Father Ted" (1995) More at IMDbPro »

Father Dougal: I know! Well lure them into a giant bingo game!
Father Ted: And how are we going to do that?
Father Dougal: We'll print up some bingo cards on our printing press and... oh.
Father Ted: Yes, it's the lack of a printing press that lets us down there. Or bingo balls. Or a PA system. Or in fact, any bingo paraphernalia at all.
Father Dougal: Damn. So near, yet so far.

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Father Jack Hackett: Drink! Feck! Arse! Girls!

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Mrs Doyle: What would you say to a cup father?
[offers him a cup of tea]
Father Jack Hackett: FECK OFF, CUP!

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Father Ted: I know what's going on, Pat Mustard. There are some very hairy babies on Craggy Island, and I think you are the hairy baby-maker.
Pat Mustard: Oh, yeah? Well, I think that you would need proof if you were going to make that sort of an accusation. And I'm a very careful man, Father. A very careful man!
Father Ted: Except when it comes to taking precautions in the bedroom.
Pat Mustard: Ah, w-... you certainly wouldn't be advising the use of artificial contraception now, Father, would you?
Father Ted: Yes, I... well... if you're going to be... of course you will... JUST FECK OFF!

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Father Ted: Come on, Dougal, switch the television off. Chewing gum for the eyes!
Father Dougal: No thanks, Ted!

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Father Ted: It's fabulous being a priest - think of all that comfort you bring to the sick and dying. They love it, they can't get enough of it!

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Father Ted: What was that sermon about?
Father Dougal: Sorry Ted, I was concentrating too hard on looking holy.

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Father Ted: The way I feel now I could convert gays!

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Father Ted: You won't be able to come with me... when I go into space. I'm going to be the first priest in space.
Father Dougal: God Ted, first America then space, what next?

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Father Ted: Heart of Gold that man, he'd do anything to you... for you.

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Father Ted: Now concentrate this time, Dougal. These
[he points to some plastic cows on the table]
Father Ted: are very small; those
[pointing at some cows out of the window]
Father Ted: are far away...

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Father Ted: He gets a kind of waxy build up in his ears.
Father Dougal: Yeah, but it's good though, in a way, cos we never run short of candles.

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Father Fintan Stack: I want to listen to some music.
Father Ted: Oh, that's fine, you go ahead there.
Father Fintan Stack: I wasn't asking for permission.

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Father Dougal: I don't believe in organized religion

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[Tom has just robbed the local post office]
Father Ted: Are you up to your old tricks, Tom?
Tom: No, Father. It's my money. I just didn't want to fill out the forms.

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Father Ted: Dougal, is there anything on your mind?
[pause]
Father Ted: Let me rephrase that...

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Father Jack Hackett: Chair! Curtains! Floor! Gobshite!

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Father Jack Hackett: I love my brick!

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Father Jack Hackett: Nan?
Father Ted: No, Jack, Nun.
Father Jack Hackett: Nun! Arrrggghhhh!

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Eoin McLove: Get away from me! I don't want to catch the menopause!

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Father Ted: Come on, Divorce Referendum!

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Father Ted: Fascists dress in black and go around telling people what to do, whereas priests... more drink!

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Father Ted: Did you bring the travel scrabble Dougal?
Father Dougal: I brought the normal scrabble and the travel scrabble, Ted. The travel scrabble for when we were traveling, and the normal scrabble for when we arrived!
Father Ted: Good man!
Father Dougal: Ah, no, wait a minute... now that I think of it I didn't bring either of them! God , I'm an awful eejit!

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Father Dougal: Ahh, lets see, I'll have the Hindu Curry, Steak and Chips, and a glass of Coke thanks.
Policeman: Do you know where you are? You're in a police station.
Father Dougal: Oh right. Well, in that case, I'll just have the Satay Chicken

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Mrs Doyle: You'll have some tea... are you sure you don't want any? Aw go on, you'll have some. Go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on GO ON!

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Father Ted: That's right, Dougal. You see, ordinary shops sell what look like black socks, but if you look closely, you'll see that they're very, very, very, very, very, very, very dark blue.
Father Dougal: That's true. I thought my Uncle Tommy was wearing black socks, but when I looked at them closely, they were just very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very dark blue.
Father Ted: Never buy black socks from a normal shop.
[Whispers to Dougal]
Father Ted: They shaft you every time!
[Dougal looks worried]

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[to his pet rabbit]
Father Dougal: Come on, Sampras.
Father Ted: What did you call him?
Father Dougal: Sampras, like Pete Sampras.
Father Ted: Why?
Father Dougal: Well... you know, rabbits, tennis, you know that whole connection there.

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Bishop Brennan: What would the following words suggest to you: "Jack", "sleepwalking" and "bollock naked"?

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Father Dougal: God, Ted, I've never met anyone like him anywhere. Who would he be like, Hitler or one of those mad fellas?
Father Ted: Oh, worse than Hitler! You wouldn't find Hitler playing jungle music at three o'clock in the morning.

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Father Ted: Ah, Sister Assumpta!
Sister Assumpta: Hello Father!
Father Ted: Dougal, Dougal, do you remember Sister Assumpta?
Father Dougal: Er, no.
Father Ted: She was here last year! And then we stayed with her in the convent, back in Kildare. Do you remember it? Ah, you do! And then you were hit by the car when you went down to the shops for the paper. You must remember all that? And then you won a hundred pounds with your lottery card? Ah, you must remember it, Dougal!
[Dougal shakes his head]
Sister Assumpta: And weren't you accidentally arrested for shoplifting? I remember we had to go down to the police station to get you!... And the police station went on fire? And you had to be rescued by helicopter?
Father Ted: Do you remember? You can't remember any of that? The helicopter! When you fell out of the helicopter! Over the zoo! Do you remember the tigers?
[Dougal shakes his head some more]
Father Ted: You don't remember? You were wearing your blue jumper.
Father Dougal: Ah, Sister Assumpta!

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Mrs Doyle: Ah, look at him there with his hairy hands!

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Father Dougal: Well, Ted, as I said last time, it won't happen again.

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Father Ted: What was it he used to say about the needy? He had a term for them...
Father Dougal: A shower of bastards.

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Father Dougal: Did you ever see that film, Ted, where your man has his head transplanted onto a fly, and the fly's head was transplanted onto the man?
Father Ted: Oh, yes... what was it called...?
Father Dougal: "Out Of Africa", I think. Anyway, your man has the head of the fly and he's chasing his wife all over the place and she's hiding the jam and everything so he won't get stuck in it...
Father Ted: I'll have to stop you there, Dougal.
Father Dougal: Yes, Ted?
Father Ted: No reason. I just have to stop you.

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[Dougal is holding the front panel of a TV up to his face]
Father Jack Hackett: What's that gobshite doing on the television?

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Father Ted: How long has Father Jack been living in there?
Father Dougal: Uh, he started just a few days after you left.
Father Ted: Maybe he's agoraphobic?
Father Dougal: Jack scared of fighting? I don't think so Ted.

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Father Dougal: Ready Ted? Let's do it!
Father Ted: Dougal, don't take it so seriously, it's just a bit of fun.
[some time later; Ted has smoked so many cigarettes the room is filled with smoke]
Father Ted: Just play the f - king note!
Father Dougal: The first one?
Father Ted: [angry yelling] No not the f - king first one! The f - king first one's already f - king down! Just play the f - king note you were f - king playing earlier! I've been playing the f - king first one! We have the f - king first one!

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Father Dougal: It's like a big tide of jam coming toward us, but jam made out of old women.

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[Dougal has named his pet rabbit Father Jack Hackett]
Father Ted: No, Dougal, this is too confusing, you'll have to pick a new name.
Father Dougal: Ah, could we not call Jack something else?
Father Ted: Oh, great, what'll we call him? Flipper! Flipper the Priest!
Father Jack Hackett: Yes?

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Mrs. Doyle: Father Crilly, Pat wants to know if he can put his massive tool in my box.
Father Ted: Now see here!
[Pat holds up a huge wrench]
Pat Mustard: It won't fit in mine.

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Father Ted: Meals are at eleven, one, half-two, three, five, seven, and nine, and if you want a quick snack, you can just ask Mrs. Doyle there.

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Tom: Father! I've killed a man.
Father Ted: Er, well, we'll talk about that later, Tom. Right now, I'm going to be on the telly!

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[Ted answers the phone]
Bishop Brennan: Crilly, It's me.
Father Ted: Oh Feck!
Bishop Brennan: What?
Father Ted: [in French accent] Who ees thees? Zere is no Creely 'ere.
[Ted hangs up]
Father Ted: God almighty! I just said "feck" to Bishop Brennan!
Father Dougal: Oho! He won't like that!
Father Ted: It might be alright though. I disguised my voice so he'd think he dialled the wrong number.
[phone rings, Ted picks it up]
Father Ted: Ah, Bishop Brennan. I think you must have got the wrong number when you called there.

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Father Dougal: Hello Len.
Bishop Brennan: Don't call me Len, you little prick. I'm a bishop!
Father Dougal: Oh right. Well done.

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Father Ted: That money was just resting in my account!

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Father Ted: No, no, no, no. Father Nolan was in the gas explosion. It punched a hole in his chest the size of a football. When they found him afterwards, they were only able to identify him by his dental records.
Father Dougal: Poor Father Nolan!
Father Ted: Yes, he's very low at the moment.

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Father Jack Hackett: [looking for beer] Drink!
Father Ted: You won't find any there father. I put it somewhere very safe.
Father Jack Hackett: Where?
[we see a cave above a sea - in the cave is all the beer]

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Father Ted: There he is so. Risen from the dead. Like that fella... ET

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Mrs Doyle: There's always time for a nice cup of tea. Sure, didn't the Lord himself pause for a nice cup of tea before giving himself up for the world.
Father Ted: No, he didn't, Mrs Doyle!
Mrs Doyle: Well, whatever the equivalent they had for tea in those days, cake or something. And speaking of cake, I have cake!
[holds up a cupcake]
Father Ted: No, thanks, Mrs Doyle.
Mrs Doyle: Are you sure, Father? There's cocaine in it!
Father Ted: WHAT?
Mrs Doyle: Oh, no, not cocaine. God, what am I on about. No, what d'you call them. Raisins.

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Father Ted: [in the department store] Where did you manage to stick Jack in the end?
Father Dougal: Ah, they've got this great place, Ted where you can put people who don't want to go shopping. They can just stay there and have a laugh.
Father Ted: Really? Never heard of that. Were there other people there?
Father Dougal: Ah, loads of people, Ted. He'll be fine.
[cut to Jack, in the creche, smoking a cigarette and surrounded by children playing]

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Father Jack Hackett: I'm a happy camper!

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Father Dougal: How did you meet him in the first place?
Father Ted: He was introduced to me by Father Jim Dougan, we were at a conference. Dougan came up and said "This is Father Stone", and ran out of the building.

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[Mrs. Doyle rolls Father Jack into the room on his wheelchair. Father Jack sees nuns in the room]
Father Jack Hackett: Nuns! Nuns! Reverse!

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Father Ted: It's just a rush. I feel fearless. Like Jeff Bridges in that movie.
Father Dougal: I didn't see that one.
Father Ted: Not many people have, Dougal. It's probably a bad reference.

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Bishop Facks: So, Father. Do you ever have any doubts about the religious life? Is your faith ever tested? Anything you would be worried about? Any doubts you've been having about any aspects of belief? Anything like that?
Father Dougal: Well, you know the way God made us all, right? And he's looking down at us from heaven and everything?
Bishop Facks: Uh-huh.
[nods]
Father Dougal: And then his son came down and saved everyone and all that?
Bishop Facks: Yes.
Father Dougal: And when we die we're all going to go to heaven?
Bishop Facks: Yes. What about it?
Father Dougal: Well, that's the bit I have trouble with.

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Father Ted: That's the great thing about Catholicism - it's very vague and no-one knows what its really all about.

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Bishop Brennan: Normally you wouldn't be able to organize a nun shoot in a nunnery.

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Father Jack Hackett: [after Bishop Brennan asks how he is] Arsebiscuits!
Father Niall Haverty: [shocked] How dare you say that to His Grace, you must apologize immediately!
Father Jack Hackett: [Father Ted squirms, as Father Jack sits up and puts his hands on his front like a rabbit, and in a rabbit-like voice] I'm... so... sooo... sorry.
[then nibbles like a rabbit]
Father Ted: [to Mrs. Doyle] Now that was sarcastic.

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Father Dougal: Knock-knock, Ted.
Father Ted: Who's there?
Father Dougal: Father Dougal McGuire.
Father Ted: Good night, Dougal.

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Mrs Doyle: I never thought we'd have anyone like her staying here.
Father Ted: Hm? Oh, Miss Clarke, yes, it's very exciting isn't it? Famous novelist, here.
Mrs Doyle: You've never read any of her books, have you, father?
Father Ted: Actually, I'm a bit of a fan. That's where I was the other day - at her book signing.
Mrs Doyle: Well, I'm very surprised to hear that, father. I didn't think you'd like that sort of thing. I read a bit of one of them once. God, I couldn't finish it. The language, unbelievable!
Father Ted: It's a bit gritty, but that's the modern world, Mrs. Doyle.
Mrs Doyle: Ah, it's a bit much for me, father. "Feck" this and "feck" that.
Father Ted: [uncomfortable] Yes, Mrs. Doyle.
Mrs Doyle: "You big bastard". Oh, dreadful language! "You big hairy arse", "You big fecker". Fierce stuff! And of course, the f-word, father, the bad f-word, worse than "feck" - you know the one I mean.
Father Ted: [becoming exasperated] Yes, I do, Mrs. Doyle.
Mrs Doyle: "Eff you". "Eff your 'effin' wife". Oh, I don't know why they have to use language like that. "I'll stick this 'effin' pitchfork up your hole", oh, that was another one, oh, yes!
Father Ted: I see what you mean, Mrs. Doyle.
Mrs Doyle: "Bastard" this and "bastard" that, you can't move for the bastards in her novels! It's wall-to-wall bastards!
Father Ted: Is it, Mrs. Doyle?
[taking her arm and steering her out of the room]
Father Ted: Anyway...
Mrs Doyle: "You bastard!" You fecker!" "You bollocks!" "Get your bollocks out of my face!" It was terrible.
Father Ted: [finally gets her through the door and closes it] Yes, you go and prepare for the nuns.
Mrs Doyle: [from the next room] "Ride me sideways" was another one!

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Father Ted: It's not as if everyone's going to go off and join some mad religious cult just because we go off for a picnic for a couple of hours.
Father Dougal: God, Ted, I heard about those cults. Everyone dressing in black and saying our Lord's gonna come back and judge us all!
Father Ted: No... No, Dougal, that's us. That's Catholicism.

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[Father Jack has sobered up and is remembering words. He sees Sister Assumpta]
Father Jack Hackett: Nan!
Father Ted: No, Father this is a nun.
Father Jack Hackett: [Terrified] Nun!
[Runs out the window]
Father Ted: [Waves] Bye, Father!
[to Assumpta]
Father Ted: He's just out for his walk

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Father Ted: Those Protestants, up to no good as usual.

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Father Dougal: Next you’re going to tell us you’re Santa.
Father Ted: No Dougal. I'm the opposite of Santa.
Father Dougal: The anti-Santa?

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