[Andy Fairweather-Low's "Wide-Eyed and Legless" is playing on the car radio]
Diana Longden: They're playing my song. Turn it up.
[Deric and Diana sing enthusiastically but raucously]
Diana Longden: I'd like you to play this at my funeral.
Deric Longden: I don't trust you - you'd get up and start singing the bugger.
Diana Longden: Think many people'll come?
Deric Longden: Not with your voice.
[Diana and Deric have gone to visit Aileen. Aileen is leaning over the bannister as Diana clumsily climbs the stairs backwards, sitting on her bottom]
Aileen Armitage: Climbing upstairs on her what?
Deric Longden: Er, on her own volition.
Diana Longden: That is *not* what I said!
Aileen Armitage: No, I thought it wasn't.
Deric's Mother: Ten minutes of this rain will do more good in half an hour than a fortnight of ordinary rain would do in a month.
Deric's Mother: Hello Lawrence.
Deric Longden: It's Kenneth.
Deric's Mother: Oh, I knew it was something of Arabia.
[Deric is smoking a very smelly pipe]
Joan: What are you smoking, lad?
Deric Longden: Three Nuns.
Joan: Well I think one of them's just farted. Put it out, Deric. Never fools anyone, anyway.
[Deric is sitting with Diana in hospital]
Diana Longden: Go and have a smoke.
Deric Longden: I don't want one.
Diana Longden: You're not missing much.
Deric Longden: [kisses Diana] Oh, I don't know.
Diana Longden: Well go and have a beer then.
Deric Longden: I don't want a beer either.
Diana Longden: Well screw one of the nurses.
Deric Longden: Oh, all right (!)
Diana Longden: Only the one, mind - you've a train to catch.