Wagons East (1994)
Ben Wheeler: But leaving would be like giving up.
Phil Taylor: That's exactly what it would be, Ben - giving up! So let's just give up. Let's get out of here. Let's get ourselves a wagon master and go home. Let's go east. What do you say?
Bartender: I say you're a bunch of gutless lily-livered, yellow-belly eastern sissies. All you've done since you got here was whine and complain. Now why don't you go back and leave the west to the real men?
Julian Rogers: Well, actually, I could have the books on the wagon really quickly. And the cappucino machine, you know, is going to travel like a dream.
The Chief: [in Sioux] Untie them, Little Feather.
Little Feather: [in Sioux] Father, I hate that name.
The Chief: [in Sioux] Ah, my son.
[waves his hand in front of his crotch]
The Chief: [in Sioux] Untie them, Big Snake That Makes Women Faint!
Billy: [while Julian is washing his back] So, what brought you out west, Julian?
Julian Rogers: Oh, the men. I heard it was just plumb full of them.
Billy: Oh, because men read more books than women.
Julian Rogers: Uh, yeah.
Billy: [after Julian finishes with his back] Thanks a lot.
[turns around, notices Julian's hard-on]
Billy: Wow, Julian. Look at you. Did you see a mermaid?
[Julian blushes and giggles]
Billy: Man, cold water usually has the opposite effect on me.
Julian Rogers: I'm going back west.
Belle: What could be there for you?
Julian Rogers: San Francisco.
James H. Harlow: Well?
Big Snake That Makes Women Faint: Bad news. Big trouble.
James H. Harlow: Let's just keep that to ourselves.
Ben Wheeler: What's news?
Big Snake That Makes Women Faint: Cavalry's coming. They come to stop you.
John Slade: The name's Slade.
Julian Rogers: Super. Here's an idea. Why don't you spell it out for me so I can get it right on your tombstone.
[the wagon train is outside St. Louis]
Big Snake That Makes Women Faint: Goodbye, my friends. Remember, if you're ever in my country again, I'll have to kill you.
Big Snake That Makes Women Faint: I'm serious.
Phil Taylor: I was a field surgeon during the war. We'd work long hours. We'd eat while we operated. One time, there's this young soldier I was trying to save, he took a cannonball in the stomach. After 18 hours of surgery, I did it. Never felt better in my life. Until, just like that, the patient dies. Turns out I left half a bologna sandwich in his lung.
Harry Bob: When I was ten years old, I killed my best friend, Tommy Hanley. All the folks in town thought he died of falling out a tree. But the fact of the matter is, I beat him with a club and drug him in the woods so's it'd look that way. Ha ha ha!
[thinks about it]
Harry Bob: I had no idea why I'd done it.
Harry Bob: Ha ha ha, thank you Doctor, I feel better already!
[an outlaw gang is holding up the bank]
Ben Wheeler: This is the third time this month. You really should give the depositers a chance to build up their accounts.
[he hands the outlaw leader the bank's account books and his eyeshade]
Ben Wheeler: Good luck.
Desperado Leader: Hey! I got a job!
Ben Wheeler: I can't face another wounded teller with a workman's comp claim.
Ben Wheeler: We can't go East.
Phil Taylor: Why not?
Ben Wheeler: Because!
Phil Taylor: Why?
Zeke: Because it's against "The Code."
Phil Taylor: It's against what code?
Ben Wheeler: You know very well what code. The Code... of the West.
Phil Taylor: Oh, the Code of the West. Isn't that the same code that says, ah...
Ben Wheeler: "The only good Indian is a dead Indian."
Phil Taylor: And "Die with your boots on." Wait, wait a minute, I got another one for you - "If someone steals your horse, you hang him." That's some code. Hey, this is quite a code! Let's just stay here! What a code.
Julian Rogers: It's not a very enlightened ideology.
[Slade slugs the tied up Harlow with his rifle butt]
John Slade: Could be. I don't know if my ma and pa were married. I killed my pa before I could ask.
Phil Taylor: About that leg, Clay. You know, these flesh wounds can be a little tricky. You know, things happen... there are complications.
Clayton Ferguson: You had to amputate?
Phil Taylor: No no no no no no! The leg is, ah, fine... a little stiff.
Clayton Ferguson: Well now, that's to be expected.
Phil Taylor: Well, you know, Clay, ah, the leg is not the only part that's, ah, stiff. Actually, his whole body is kind of, ah, well, he's ah, he's ah, he'd dead!
Julian Rogers: I'd like to recommend one of my favorite authors to you - a woman named Jane Austen. This is a writer of just wonderfully exquisite prose. And, of course, as ou can see, it's a big damn book. Oh, "Pride and Prejudice". Harry Bob, I think you're going to get more than a run for your money out of this one.
Harry Bob: How much?
Julian Rogers: Well, I think two dollars is a fair price.
Harry Bob: Really.
Julian Rogers: Uh-huh.
Harry Bob: How much for just "Pride"?
Julian Rogers: Well, actually, one does hate to break up the set.
Harry Bob: All right, but I got to test it first.
[He tears out some pages from the book]
Harry Bob: Where's the outhouse?
River Townsman: Ma'am, you people are crazy!
Belle: Crazy? What do you mean, crazy? Because we risked out lives crossing a river instead of staying on the other side? Because we have faith in ourselves? Because we believe in a wagonmaster who gave us the courage and the confidence to do things we never thought we could have done?
River Townsman: No, because most people use the bridge.