[about Harry's daughter]
Gib: Do you think she's still a virgin?
Harry: Dont be ridiculous, she's only - -what is she now?
Gib: She's fourteen!
Harry: She's fourteen years old!
Gib: Yeah, and her little hormones are going off like a car alarm.
[Harry has just returned from Helen's office and is shell-shocked]
Harry: Helen... Helen...
Gib: It's got something to do with Helen, I'm guessing.
Harry: Helen... is having an affair!
Gib: Welcome to the club, man!
[Harry is under the influence of a truth serum]
Samir: Is there anything you'd like to tell me before we start?
Harry: Yeah. I'm going to kill you pretty soon.
Samir: I see. How, exactly?
Harry: First I'm going to use you as a human shield. Then I'm going to kill this guard over here with the Patterson trocar on the table. And then I was thinking about breaking your neck.
Samir: And what makes you think you can do all that?
Harry: You know my handcuffs?
Harry: [holds up his hands] I picked them.
[Samir gasps. Harry springs up from his chair and grabs Samir, using him as a shield while he kills the guard, then breaks Samir's neck]
Gib: Same thing happened to me with wife number two, 'member? I have no idea nothing's going on, right? I come home one day and the house is empty, and I mean completely empty. She even took the ice cube trays out of the freezer. What kind of a sick bitch takes the ICE CUBE trays out of the FREEZER?
Faisil: They call him the Sand Spider.
Spencer Trilby: Why?
Faisil: Probably because it sounds scary.
[to Dana, who's wearing a helmet]
Gib: Yeah, I remember the first time I got shot out of a cannon.
Harry: [holding Simon at the edge of an aquaduct] Son of a bitch, Did you think you can elude us forever, Carlos, huh?
Simon: Hey, you got the wrong guy! My name's Simon! Just let me go. There's no need to kill me. I haven't seen your...
[Harry and Gib remove their masks]
Simon: face. No, no, no I didn't see it, I didn't see it!
[realizes that it is Harry]
Simon: Oh, it's you! Hey, you still interested in that 'Vette at all?
Gib: Hey, Carlos? Game's over. Your career as an international terrorist is well documented.
Gib: -Oh, yeah.
Gib: Oh, yeah!
Gib: OH, YEAH!
Simon: No, I sell cars! That's all! C'mon, I'm not a terrorist. I'm actually a complete coward, if I ever saw a gun, I'd...
Harry: [Harry takes his gun out and points it in Simon's face]
Simon: [Whining and pleading] Oh God, no, please don't kill me. I'm not a spy. I'm nothing. I'm navel lint! I have to lie to women to get laid, and I don't score much. I got a little dick, it's pathetic!
[Harry and Gib gave Simon a weird look, then Simon pees his pants]
Simon: Wha, uh, oh God. Would a spy pee himself, huh? Please, I'm not worth a bullet. Oh, mercy sir!
Harry: [Disgusted] Get the fuck out of here. Just go, just beat it.
Simon: No, no, as soon as I turn, you're gonna shoot me! You're gonna shoot me, you're gonna shoot me, you're gonna shoot me!
Gib: [Gib and Harry get into their van] Get lost, dipshit.
[fires a few rounds into the ground near Simon]
Faisil: [the van is slipping on ice] Hey, watch it.
Gib: It's called ice, and it gets a little slick.
Harry: [trying to translate for Helen what Aziz is saying] In 90 minutes, the holy fire, will light up the skies.
[the terrorists are covering the nuclear warhead with an american flag and cement]
Harry: We will tell the the whole world, that we speak, the truth. No force can stop us now, we're cool, we're badasses, blah, blah, blah.
Helen Tasker: Honey, if we're on an island, why are they using trucks?
Harry: We must be in the Florida Keys. These are the islands that have highways that connect the islands to the mainland.
Helen Tasker: There's no borders, no customs. They can go anywhere in the U.S. They're will be no one to stop them.
Harry: But, us. Here take this
[hands Helen an Uzi]
Helen Tasker: Oh, shit.
Salim Abu Aziz: [his message to the United States] You have murdered our women, and our children, and bombed our cities from afar, like cowards, and you dare to call "us" terrorists?Now, we have the ability to strike back at our enemies. Unless "you" "America" pull all military forces out of the Persian gulf area, immediately, and forever, Crimson Jihad will rain fire on one major U.S. city each week, until our demands are met. First, we will detonate one nuclear weapon on this uninhabited island as a demonstration of our power. But, if these demands are not met, Crimson Jihad will rain fire on one major U.S. city each week.
Harry: [Loopy from the truth serum he's been given] Ask me a question I would normally lie to.
Helen Tasker: Are we gonna die?
Helen Tasker: I'd say it's working.
Harry: They're gonna shoot us in the head or they gonna torture us to death or they gonna leave us here when the bomb blows up...
Helen Tasker: Harry!
Gib: Kids - 10 seconds of joy, 30 years of misery.
Simon: Let's face it. The 'Vette... gets 'em wet!
Simon: I have to lie to women to get laid. Even then I don't score much. I got a little dick, it's pathetic!
[while launching a Harrier missile, from which Salim Abu Aziz is hanging]
Harry: You're fired!
Harry: There *is* no us, you psychopathic bitch!
Gib: Women. Can't live with 'em. Can't kill 'em!
[after watching her husband kill dozens of men]
Helen Tasker: I married Rambo!
Juno Skinner: Ok, Suzie Homemaker. Let's go.
Simon: Men want this car for only one reason: pussy.
Gib: The guy is a goddamn used car salesman! This just keeps getting better and better!
[Harry gives him a dirty look]
Gib: I'm sorry, Harry, I know this is hard for you. But you gotta admit if this was me you'd be laughing your ass off right about now!
Harry: You tell on me, I tell on you.
Gib: What are you talking about, I'm as clean as a preacher's sheets. I'm as clean as...
Harry: What about that time you blew a six-week operation because you were too busy getting a blow job?
Gib: You knew about that?
Gib: I'm beginning to like this guy.
[Harry gives him a mean look]
Gib: Oh, we've still gotta kill him. That's a given.
[talking about Harry Tasker's wife, in a car with Simon]
Helicopter Pilot: Oh yeah, she's got her head in the guy's lap all right. Yahoo.
[to Harry Tasker]
Gib: Maybe she's sleepy.
Gib: Seconds count buddy. Ditch the bitch.
[Harry becomes angered when he discovers that Helen may be having an affair]
Gib: What did you expect, Harry? Helen's a flesh and blood woman and you're never there. It was only a matter of time.
Gib: You know what? I'm sick of being in the van. You guys are going to be in the van next time. I've been in the van for 15 years, Harry.
Gib: So your life's in the crapper. So you wife is banging a used car salesman - it's humiliating, I know. But goddamnit, Harry, take it like a man!
[Simon attempting to have sex with Helen]
Helen Tasker: No, I can't. I can't!
[Simon still persuing]
Simon: If not for me, Helen, do it for your country!
Harry: The code name of your assignment will be... Boris. And your code name will be...
Helen Tasker: [hopeful] Natasha?
Harry: No... Doris.
Faisil: [Hacking into a computer] Yes! Files are unlocked! Fast Faisil strikes again. I'm doing, man! I've got my hand up her skirt, and I AM GOIN...
Gib: Just copy the goddam files, OK?
Simon: Okay, just ask yourself: What do women really want? You take these bored housewives, married to the same guy for years, they're stuck in a rut, then need some release! Promise of adventure, a hint of danger. I create that for them.
Harry: So basically, your lying your ass off the whole time. See, I can't do that.
Simon: What are you, a boy scout? No, no, no, think of it as playing a role as fantasy. I mean, you got to work on their dreams. Get them out of their daily surburban grind for a few hours.
Harry: But what about their husbands?
Simon: Dickless! I mean, let's face it, if they took care of business, I'd be out of business! You know what I mean?
Harry: [fake laughs] Those idiots!
[Harry returns to the van after escaping the castle]
Harry: Hi guys.
Gib: Well that worked real good. Right out the old front gate.
Harry: Can you lean back a second...
[Harry shoots two remaining pursuers]
[Salim Abu Aziz reveals a nuclear weapon]
Salim Abu Aziz: Do you know what this is?
Harry: I know what this is...
Harry: This is an espresso machine.
Harry: No, no wait. It's a snow cone maker.
[Salim approaches Harry]
Harry: Is it a water heater?
Gib: [over radio] All right twinkle toes, what's your exit strategy?
Harry: I'm gonna walk right out of the front gate.
Gib: [over radio] Ballsy. Stupid but ballsy.
Gib: It's called ice and it gets a little slick.
[Harry is commandeering a Harrier to rescue his daughter]
Gib: Harry, do you realize it has, in fact, been 10 years since you've been behind the wheel of one of these things?
Harry Tasker: If I break it, they can take it outta my pay.
Spencer Trilby: Sweet Jesus, Harry, you surely screwed the pooch last night, didn't you?
Gib: Harry? Harry? You do not have time to tango, buddy. You copy?
Spencer Trilby: So far, this is not blowing my skirt up, gentlemen.
Harry: Well, you see, this is the problem with terrorists. They're really inconsiderate when it comes to people's schedules.
[Harry sticks an unconscious terrorist's head in a bathroom urinal and flushes it]
Harry Tasker: Cool off.
Faisil: It's a scale really, with a perfect mission at one end and a total pooch screw at the other, and we're right about in the middle.
Spencer Trilby: You're new on Harry's team, aren't you?
Spencer Trilby: So what makes you think that the slack I cut him in anyway translates to you?
Party Guard: Can I see your invitation?
Harry: Sure, here's my invitation.
[blows shed sky-high]
Harry: [Harry is reading the tapped phone conversations from Helen, notices something, and quickly pulls the car over to the side of the road and up onto the curb]
Gib: My turn to drive?
Harry: Give me the page!
Harry: This jumps from page 9 to page 11.
Gib: [looks at paper] Must be a typo.
Harry: [shouts] Give me the goddamn page!
Harry: [smashes passenger side window with his bare fist]
Gib: [Gib looks at the window, and quickly grabs page 10 from his coat] OK.
Gib: [when Harry tells Gib to tap Helen's phone] Ok, I've got two words for that. In. Sane.
Harry: [translating the terrorist celebrations for Helen] ... We're cool, we're badasses, blah, blah, blah.
Gib: You aren't her parents anymore, her parents are Axl Rose and Madonna, you can't compete with that kind of bombardment.
Harry: What can I say? I'm a spy.
Simon: [hitting on a woman at the party] Here, let me pour you some more champaigne. I gotta keep up the waiter bit, these stakeouts can be a little tricky you know, you never know if things can explode to a life or death situation, just stay low and I'll contact you later. Maybe you should give me your tele...
Harry: [puts his hand in Simon] So, we meet again Carlos.
Helen Tasker: [puts her lipstick case under Simon's chin] Honey, I'm gonna do him right here.
Harry: [proudly] Go for it.
Simon: Oh god.
[pees in his pants]
Helen Tasker: Fear is not an option.
[Simon runs out of the party nervously screaming]
Helen Tasker: [confessing on why she wants to go with Simon to Paris] I wanted to do something outrageous, and it felt really good, to be needed, and to be trusted. It's just there's so much I want to do with this life and it fells that I haven't done any of it. You know, the sand is running out of the hourglass, ao I want to look back and say, see, I did that, that was me, I was wreckless and I was wild, and I fucking did it.
Gib: [talking to Helen in a disguised voice] If you don't complete your mission, the deal is off
[hangs up the phone]
Gib: I'm going to hell.
Salim Abu Aziz: [filming his video when the cameraman abruptly lowers the camera] What's the problem?
Jihad Cameraman: Batter-Aziz!
Harry: So who are you working on right now?
Simon: I always got a few on the line. But there's this one chick I got right now. I got her panting like a dog. Its great.
Harry: What does she do?
Simon: Some sort of legal secretary. Married to some boring jerk.
Harry: Married to some boring jerk.
Simon: Aww, but she could be so hot if she wanted to. She's like all these babes, you get their pilot lit, they could suck start a leafblower. And she's got the most incredible body too and a pair of titties that make you wanna stand up and beg for buttermilk. Ass like a ten year old boy! AHAHAHAHA!
Simon: [Harry punches him in the face instantly breaking Simon's neck and the daydream ends] AHAHAHAHAHA!
Gib: Federal officer! Get down now! Duck or Die!
Simon: Take her! Take her! Oh, god, don't hurt me!