The Santa Clause (1994)
[flying away in the sleigh]
Scott Calvin: Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night! When I get home, I'm getting a CAT scan!
Scott Calvin: You know, you look pretty good for your age.
Little Elf Judy: Thanks, but I'm seeing someone in wrapping.
Dr. Neil Miller: [in a light-hearted phychiatry tone] Scott, what was the last thing you and Charlie did, before you went to bed Christmas Eve?
Scott Calvin: [sarcastically] We shared a bowl of sugar, did some shots of brown liqour, played with my shot guns, field-dressed a cat, looked for women...
Scott Calvin: I read him a book!
Dr. Neil Miller: What book?
Scott Calvin: [sarcastically] Uh, "Hollywood Wives."
[Laura puts her hand into her face, giving off a resentful gesture]
Scott Calvin: [honestly] "The Night Before Christmas", folks, come on!
Sarah the Little Girl: Santa?
Scott Calvin: Scott Calvin.
Sarah the Little Girl: Howcome your clothes are so baggy?
Scott Calvin: Because Santa is... watching his saturated fats.
Sarah the Little Girl: Howcome you don't have a beard?
Scott Calvin: Because I shaved!
[instantly reveals an unwrapped present for her, out of his bag]
Scott Calvin: Now, you want this doll or not? Go back to sleep.
Charlie: Whoa, Dad! You're flying!
Scott Calvin: It's okay, I'm used to it. I lived through the '60s.
Scott Calvin: Well, isn't that a pretty picture, Santa rolling down the block in a PANZER! Well kids, I... I certainly hope you have been good this year, cause it looks like Santa just took out the Pearson home. Incoming!
Laura: Here's Neil's mother's number.
Scott Calvin: 1-800-SPANK-ME? I know that number.
Bernard: I'll ship the list to your house.
Scott Calvin: What list?
Bernard: You know, the list...
Bernard: He's making a list.
Charlie: [singing loudly] Checkin' it twice.
Elves: 'Gonna find out who's naughty or nice!
Scott Calvin: [to fallen Santa Claus] Fella, if you can hear me, I'm just looking for your identification. As soon as I find out who you are, I'll give you a lift back to the mall.
Scott Calvin: [yelling out to his ex-wife in her car driving away from his house] It was a dream! Stuff like that doesn't happen! It was a dream! Come on! I don't even wear pajamas! Normally I sleep naked! BUCK naked! Ha!
[suddenly embarrassed, to a woman walking down his sidewalk]
Scott Calvin: Good morning, Mrs. McCoy, Mary Katherine.
Mrs. McCoy: Eyes front, Mary Katherine.
Scott Calvin: Sometimes, boxer shorts. You know.
Charlie: [after Santa has fallen off of the roof] Look, Dad, he disappeared.
Scott Calvin: [looks around] He's naked somewhere.
Bernard: Excuse me. Are we on a coffee break?
Kid Elf: We don't drink coffee.
Bernard: THEN I GUESS THE BREAK IS OVER! Back to work. Thanks.
Scott Calvin: [after he watches in the mirror as his beard grows back within one second after he shaved it prior to the big custody hearing] I'm in big trouble. Mm-hmm.
Scott Calvin: [reading the fallen Santa's instruction card] If something should happen to me, put on my suit; the reindeer will know what to do.
Sarah the Little Girl: You're fatter this year.
Santa: Thank you. You've grown too. Now go back to sleep.
[Drinks the milk and gags a little]
Sarah the Little Girl: What's wrong?
Santa: I think the milk's a little sour.
Sarah the Little Girl: It's soy milk.
Sarah the Little Girl: You said you were lactose intollerant.
Little Elf Judy: Not too hot. Extra chocolate. Shaken, not stirred.
Scott Calvin: Can we take a direct flight back to reality, or do we have to change planes in Denver?
Mr. Whittle: You should see a doctor, a shrink, a dietician, anything.
E.L.F.S. Leader: We're your worst nightmare. Elves with attitude.
Dr. Pete Novos: I don't know, Scott. You're as healthy as a horse.
Scott Calvin: Yeah! Clydesdale!
Dr. Pete Novos: So what? You put on a little weight.
Scott Calvin: Weight? Does this look like a little weight to you?
Dr. Pete Novos: Weight can fluctuate from year to year.
Dr. Pete Novos: Fluctuate? You make it sound like I'm retaining water. I've gained 45 pounds in a week. Pete, what's happening to me?
Dr. Pete Novos: Well, what's your diet like?
Scott Calvin: Milk and cookies.
Dr. Pete Novos: Really?
Scott Calvin: But I don't finish all the milk.
Dr. Pete Novos: Well then there is your problem. Just try to cut back on the sweets, okay?
Mr. Whittle: I don't know what's happening to you. You're starting to look like the Pillsbury Doughboy.
Scott Calvin: Here we are. Denny's. Always open.
Charlie: I don't wanna eat here.
Scott Calvin: What are you talking about? Everybody likes Denny's, it's an American institution.
Charlie: Neil doesn't believe in Santa
Scott: Well, Neil's head comes to a point.
Laura: All Neil told him was that Santa was more of a feeling. More of a state of mind than an actual person.
Scott: Kind of like Neil.
Dr. Neil Miller: Charlie, I'm sorry I didn't believe you.
Charlie: That's okay, Neil. You were just denying your inner child.
Dr. Neil Miller: You're going to make a great psychiatrist someday, kid.
Charlie: Nah. I think that I'm going to go into the family business.
Bernard: What's all this boo-hooin' going on here?
[to Neil, who suddenly backs away from him]
Bernard: Hey, how are you doing?
Scott: Nothing, Bernard. I'm just saying good-bye to Charlie.
Bernard: What good-bye? Charlie, you've still got the glass ball I gave you, right?
Bernard: Well, all you've got to do is shake it, whenever you want to see your dad. He can come back to visit you anytime, day or night.
Charlie: [his face lights up] Really?
Bernard: Hey, have I ever steered you wrong?
Charlie: Neil's a really good cook.
Scott Calvin: Yeah, and you should see him walk on water.
Charlie: You don't like him very much, do you, Dad?
Scott Calvin: Charlie, I'm sorry, I was just kidding around around. Sure I like him. But there's just something about him that makes me want to -...
Charlie: Lash out irrationally?
Scott Calvin: Now, where did you hear that?
Charlie: From Neil. I learn a lot from him. He listens to me.
Scott Calvin: Yeah! And he charges you for it.
Scott Calvin: Not necessarily. It could be rude, sarcastic, whatever it takes!
Scott Calvin: Where is he?
Laura: Well, he could be listening to records jumping up and down on his bed wearing a red hat and galloshes.
Scott Calvin: I don't care what Neil's doing. Where's Charlie?
Charlie: These are Santa's reindeer, aren't they?
Scott Calvin: I hope not. These are... A gift. Probably from the cable company. We're getting the Disney Channel now. Merry Christmas.
Neil: What about Santa's reindeer? Have you even seen a reindeer fly?
Neil: Well, I haven't.
Charlie: Have you ever seen a million dollars?
Charlie: Just because you can't see something, doesn't mean is doesn't exist.
Scott Calvin: Charlie, stay away from those things. They're reindeer, you don't know where they've been. They all look like they've got key lime disease.
Scott Calvin: What is it, Charlie?
Charlie: Maybe you better leave some milk and cookies out, just in case. Okay?
Scott Calvin: Great. I'll just go pre-heat the oven.
Charlie: And don't forget the fire extinguisher!
Scott Calvin: Good night, Charlie!
Scott Calvin: This thing, you never know where it's been. A thousand malls! Well I hope you're happy, Comet. I hope you're happy, but most importantly, I hope the guy that lives here IS A TAILOR!
Scott Calvin: Who gave you permission to tell Charlie there was no Santa Claus? I think if we're going to destroy our son's delusions, I should be a part of it.
Charlie: You said you believe in Santa Claus, right, Dad?
Scott Calvin: I did? I do!
Scott Calvin: [on the phone with his ex-wife while driving on an empty road, making up an excuse for his tardiness to meeting her and their son] I ran real late today. You wouldn't BELIEVE the traffic out here.
[honks his horn, and pretends to yell out to the street]
Scott Calvin: Hey, same to you! And that's not very ladylike!
[back to his wife]
Scott Calvin: Oh, there's a problem right there: three car pile-up. I'm really gonna be late.
Scott Calvin: Johnny, naughty. Gary, nice.
[Sees a beautiful woman]
Scott Calvin: Veronica, very nice.
Veronica: In your dreams, sleigh boy.
Charlie: Get the bag of toys.
Scott Calvin: And do what?
Charlie: Go down the chimney.
Scott Calvin: Down the chimney? You want me to take the toys down the chimney into a strange house, IN MY UNDERWEAR?
Scott: Hey, kid, kid... who's in charge here?
Larry the Elf: You are, and I'm not a kid, I have pointy SHOES that are older than you... I'm an elf.
Mr. Whittle: Good God, your weight! What happened?
Scott Calvin: Bee sting. Evidently I'm allergic. It almost killed me. But, the guy at the Emergency Room said that eventually the swelling will go down. I hope.
Scott Calvin: Did I miss anything?
Business Guy Across from Him: No, we were, uh, just about to order lunch.
Scott Calvin: Great! I'm starving.
Susan Perry: I'll have a salad and iced tea, and dressing on the side.
Mr. Whittle: Ah, paste and tomatoes, uh, and very light on the oil. Can you do that?
Scott Calvin: And I'll have a Caesar. No dressing. And one of those homemade cookies, the warm chocolate chip. No nuts. And a little slice of cheesecake. Uh, crème brulee, and, um, hot fudge sundae, extra hot fudge.
[licks his lips in addiction to tons of sweets, and looks at some people looking weirdly at him]
Scott Calvin: [taking where he left off] On the side.
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Scott Calvin: [sighs] Ice-cold milk.
Susan Perry: [wondering if he was really honest with them about his suddenly big belly] Stung by a bee, Scott?
Scott Calvin: A big bee.
Bernard: The Santa Clause: In putting on the suit and entering the sleigh, the wearer waives any and all right to any previous identity, real or implied, and fully accepts the duties and responsibilities of Santa Claus, in perpetuity to which some time the wearer becomes unable to do so, by either accident or design.
Scott Calvin: What does that mean?
Bernard: It means: If you put on the suit, you're the big guy.
Scott Calvin: This is ridiculous! I didn't just put on the suit to -...
Bernard: Try to understand this!
[assuming that he's Santa, sees Scott take celery off of a plate left out for him, but neglect the milk right by it]
Sarah the Little Girl: You're supposed to drink the milk.
Scott Calvin: Look, I am lactose intolerant! And I'm just about this close to taking all those presents back up the chimney.
[bites on his celery stick, and under his breath, mocks Sarah]
Scott Calvin: Supposed to drink the milk!
Scott Calvin: Hey, I know where this is going. The other guy fell, it was an accident. I've got homeowners insurance, and a good attorney, not as good as my wife's - but lets not open up that wound!
Scott Calvin: Why not? What if don't buy any of this Santa Clause thing? What if I choose not to believe it?
[a dead silence falls upon the workshop]
Bernard: Then there would be millions of disappointed children around the world. You see, children hold the spirit of Christmas within their hearts. You don't wanna be responsible for killing the spirit of Christmas, now would you... Santa?
Bernard: [looks at Neil's sweater] Nice sweater. Hey, did we make this?
[starts checking the tag on the sweater]
Scott Calvin: Yeah, well, look at my hair. It's turning grey.
Dr. Pete Novos: Oh, it's middle age, buddy. It happens. And with that body, you should be thankful you have hair. Look, if it bothers you, you can dye it - and you should diet!
Charlie: It's Santa! You killed him!
Scott: Did not! And he's not Santa!
Charlie: Well, he was...
Scott Calvin: The only thing you need to worry about is where you're going to buy your sweaters after the circus pulls out of town.
Charlie: [about Neil] I learn a lot from him. He listens to me.
Scott Calvin: Yeah, then he charges you for it.
Scott Calvin: [about what will happen for Christmas Eve dinner] Are you going to your mom's for dinner.
Laura: Actually, we're going with Neil's family.
Scott Calvin: Ah, Christmas at the pound!
[mockingly imitates a howling wolf, a hissing cat, and a cat meowing]
Charlie: Woa, how did you do that? How did that feel Dad?
Scott Calvin: It felt like America's Most Wanted.
Scott Calvin: [he bag lifts him up] Hey, hey, HEY, wait, there is no chimminy here okay, no chimminy.
Charlie: Lookin good Dad.
Scott Calvin: [hovers over a thin pipe] You have got to be kidding me.
Scott: [to a dog growling and baring its teeth at him] Nice teeth.
Scott Calvin: Whoa! This could be a really long night.
Charlie: Do it again Dad, please?
Scott Calvin: [picks up the bag] I can't the things empty
Scott Calvin: [Comet the reindeer gets angry and growls] There nothing in the bag. Even if there was, did you notice there is no chimney? Where there's no chimney, there's no fireplace.
Scott Calvin: [Comet growls] Are you growling at me?
Scott Calvin: [Comet nods his head] Look, comet, like I said there is nothing left...
Scott Calvin: Look, I am not Santa Claus! Ahhh!
Bernard: Did you or did you not read the card?
Scott Calvin: Yeah, I read the card.
Bernard: Then you're the new Santa. And putting on their hat and jacket, you accepted the contract
Scott Calvin: What contract?
Bernard: The card in the Santa suit, you said you read it, right? So when you put on the suit, you fell subject for the Santa Clause.
Scott Calvin: The Santa Claus? Oh, you mean the guys that fell off my roof?
Bernard: No, no, not Santa Claus, the person. Santa Clause the clause.
Scott Calvin: What?
Bernard: You're a businessman right? Okay, a clause as in the last line of the contract.
Bernard: [Scott looks confused] You got the card? Okay look.
[Reads what the I.D. card says]
Scott Calvin: What does that mean?
Bernard: It means you put on the suit, you're the big guy.
Scott Calvin: That ridiculous, I didn't put on a suit to...
Bernard: [shouts] *Try to understand this!*
Bernard: The Santa Clause: In putting on this suit and entering the sleigh, the wearer waives any and all rights to any previous identity, real or implied, and fully accepts the duties and responsibilities of Santa Claus, in perpetuity until such time that the wearer becomes unable to do so, by either accident or design.
Scott Calvin: Hey, Barabbas!
Scott Calvin: Bernard, can we take a direct flight back to reality, or do we have to stop and change planes in Denver?
Scott Calvin: Hey, Charlie, you know how to call 911?
Charlie: Sure, 9-1-1.
Charlie: It is Santa! You killed him!
Scott: Did not! And that's not Santa
Charlie: Well, he was...
Det. Nunzio: [after Scott got arrested] Look, I know you're Scott Calvin. You know you're Scott Calvin. So let's make this simple: I say 'name', you say 'Scott Calvin'.
[gestures Scott to come close]
Det. Nunzio: Name?
Scott Calvin: Kris Kringle.
Det. Nunzio: Name?
Scott Calvin: Sinterklaas.
Det. Nunzio: [annoyed] Name!
Scott Calvin: Pere Noel. Babbo Natale. Pelznickel.
[imitates Ed Sullivan]
Scott Calvin: Topo Gigio!
Det. Nunzio: Okay, Calvin, maybe a couple of hours in the tank will change your mind.