|Index||6 reviews in total|
Even for David Hasselhoff this is bad--so achingly awful that "Knight
seems like Shakespeare in comparison. To sum things up: Hasselhoff and
some other lame people are the descendants of the original 4 Musketeers
(their last names are even the same as the originals), and with the
of the rings of their ancestors down through the generations has passed an
obligation to "help" people. As silly as that sounds, the actual
is even sillier. John Rhys Davies plays their equivalent to Charlie's
Angel's Bosley, in such an overbearing, over-the-top fashion that you'd
think when he assembles the team from all over the world to save a
child that he was assembling them to stop the destruction of the entire
Hasselhoff's character, John Smith D'Artagnan, is a rock star who, in typical Hasselhoff direct-to-Germany fashion, stands on top of a truck at one point and holds an impromptu rock concert--which spontaneously draws hundreds of screaming adoring fans--ranging from young children to old ladies. He also has a little Van-Dyke type beard--kind of like Michael Knight's evil version, but a bit friendlier! Also, he walks around the modern day dressed in frilly shirts--you know... just to remind us that he's a Musketeer.
Alison Doody plays the hot female Musketeer, Ann Marie Athos(with suspiciously mid-1980's hair for the early-1990's),, who is a "Love Doctor" on the radio, when she's not wearing leather, riding a motorcycle, and saying phrases like "I want to take that punk down".
Thomas Gottschalk--Peter Porthos--is some slimy Eurotrash type who spends most of the movie staring at Athos' ass.
The newest Musketeer is Burt Aramis (Cheech Marin) who has been "found" with the 4th ring--which has apparently been lost since the time of the Civil War. Much of the drama of the later part of the movie has to do with him fitting into the Musketeers (Burt is a crook), except for the portion of that half of the movie which has to do with the gang taking down the same mobster who kidnapped the little boy in the first half of the movie.
If you insist on watching this, have a big container of Maalox to go along with your tub of popcorn.
*** This review may contain spoilers ***
400 years after Louis XIII formed the elite group known as 'The Musketeers',
the successors to the original four are the ones in possession of the four
rings. In modern-day Los Angeles, the Musketeers ride motorcycles and fight
with their fists, not swords. John Smith D'Artagnan is a rock star who
lives in what looks like a European castle and does like to fence. Peter
Portos is an unconventional German teacher. Anne Marie Athos is a sultry
female radio host who calls herself Dr. Love. And Burt Aramis generally
finds himself on the wrong side of the law. The ex-con claims his
grandmother gave him his ring, but who knows?
At the beginning of the movie, a nine-year-old is kidnapped. His mother is just a waitress, but his uncle is an air traffic controller, and one of two witnesses scheduled to testify against mobster Vince Pellito is being flown into the city. Someone doesn't want the first witness to testify.
Burt is told what the ring means, and at first he is reluctant to join the elite group, but eventually he wants to be 'A Mouseketeer'. His training process is hilarious, and he fails miserably in his first attempt to help on a case. Burt is street smart, though, and he does make valuable contributions. Mostly he is just comedy relief.
This was not exactly a comedy, but Cheech Marin was very funny as Burt, and if not for him this movie wouldn't have been worth much. John Rhys-Davies had his good moments as Maurice, the man in charge of the Musketeers, and Alison Doody was quite good on the radio (too bad we couldn't have seen more of that), and she too came across well primarily in the second half. Corbin Bernsen did okay as Anne Marie's ex-husband, but he didn't reach his potential. To say exactly what he did would be a SPOILER, so we'll just say he and his ex didn't get along.
If you're not looking for anything serious, this movie was okay. But it should not be mentioned in the same sentence with a literary classic.
Well, I definitely would NOT recommend this film to anyone who doesn't think bad movies are funny and/or someone who let's David Hasselhoff get on his nerves. If you however DO like bad movies then this is right up your, err, alley. This movie has it all...You even get to see Hasselhoff do a little musical number (I hear he's pretty popular in Germany). The rest of the cast is (also) so incredibly lame and corny, that by the time it ended, I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. If you wanna waste 90 minutes of your life, go ahead. See it.
Hopefully in a few years, "Ring Of The Musketeers" will become a cult
classic. It has everything you want: David Hasselhoff "acting" and
"singing", Cheech Marin being a Mexican stereotype, and lots more! The
plot is about John Smith D'Artagnan played by The Hoff, who is a
musketeer. Smith and his two other musketeers fight crime for a living.
Smith seeks out the missing fourth musketeer, who is played by Cheech.
The whole movie is fun. Cheech tells jokes, and The Hoff doesn't laugh.
It's great. Hasselhoff thinks he's doing Shakespeare with this film.
Watch it tonight Or buy it! I did!
For more insanity, please visit: comeuppancereviews.com
This made for TV movie may not be at the level of Shakespeare, but it
doesn't have to be. It is meant to be light entertainment, in other
words you don't have to think too hard. I watched it originally because
John Paragon directed it. (He also has a small role as the air control
supervisor). I re-watched it because it's just fun and a bit silly.
The only performers credited I recognized were John Rhys-Davies, David Hasselhoff, Corbin Bernsen and Cheech Marin. But it has several surprise performances in small parts. Keep an eye-out for Cassandra Peterson (Elvira), Edie McClurg, Lynne Marie Stewart (Pee Wee's Playhouse's Miss Yvonne), and Suzanne Kent (Pee Wee's Playhouse's Mrs. Rene).
*** This review may contain spoilers ***
As a avid fan of the Muskateir legend, author of several essays and books on the Muskatear mythology and expert on the mythos, I can say without a shadow of a doubt that this account, THE RING OF THE MUSKATEEERS, is the real deal. This reelly happened. It's what the original author (can't remember his name at this point) had envisioned when he wrote the original story, complete with the cerebral comedy of comic foil, Cheech. He'd outlined the idea of a future Muskiteer band of descendants riding what he called "moto-horses" and a form of music called "shake and spill" played by the Johnny character. Maybe some pedestrian fans of the Moskuter movies might disagree, but this one pretty much captures the true essence of what should be considered the PENULTIMATE Mouskateers movie. I advise you to not only seek out RING OF THE MUSKATEIRS, but burn all copies of Muskateeeer movies you have in effigy. There not worthy of existence, in my eduacated opinion. In fact, if you know of anyone who owns the Keefr Suthrland movie with the dreamy Oliver Platt, borrow their copy and break it in half on your knee. Just smile, tell them, "I think you loaned me THIS one" and hand them a copy of THE RING OF THE MUSKITIURS. You'll be glad you did.
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