Ring of the Musketeers (1992) (TV)

User Rating:

3.1/10   

Director:

John Paragon

Writers (WGA):

John Paragon (written by) and
Joel Surnow (written by)

Release Date:

1 December 1992 (Germany)

Genre:

Action | Adventure | Comedy

Plot:

Modern day "Musketeers" attempt to live the lives of protectors of the inocent. While the biking trio rescue kindnapped children...

Plot Keywords:

Independent Film

Cast

Thomas Gottschalk	...	Peter Porthos
Cheech Marin	...	Burt Aramis
Alison Doody	...	Ann Marie Athos
John Rhys-Davies	...	Maurice Treville
Corbin Bernsen	...	Harry
Russell Armstrong	...	Skeptical Kid
Conrad Bachmann	...	Turner
Frances Buchsbaum	...	Lady in Crowd / John Smith Concert Fan (as Francis Buchsbaum)
Richard E. Butler	...	Gunman (as Dick Butler)
George Christy	...	Donut Shop Patron
Erik Cord	...	Gunman #2 (as Eric Cord)
David Hasselhoff	...	John Smith D'Artagnan
Catherine E. Coulson	...	Lisa
Brian Hayes Currie	...	Air Controller #2
Scott Dockstader	...	Baggage Handler

Also Known As:

Der Ring der Musketiere (Germany)

Runtime:

86 min

Country:

Germany | USA

Language:

English

Color:

Color

Sound Mix:

Mono

Certification:

Iceland:12 | USA:PG-13

Soundtrack:

Standing Alone

Bad... even for David Hasselhoff

Even for David Hasselhoff this is bad--so achingly awful that "Knight Rider" seems like Shakespeare in comparison. To sum things up: Hasselhoff and some other lame people are the descendants of the original 4 Musketeers (their last names are even the same as the originals), and with the passing of the rings of their ancestors down through the generations has passed an obligation to "help" people. As silly as that sounds, the actual execution is even sillier. John Rhys Davies plays their equivalent to Charlie's Angel's Bosley, in such an overbearing, over-the-top fashion that you'd think when he assembles the team from all over the world to save a kidnapped child that he was assembling them to stop the destruction of the entire planet.

Hasselhoff's character, John Smith D'Artagnan, is a rock star who, in typical Hasselhoff direct-to-Germany fashion, stands on top of a truck at one point and holds an impromptu rock concert--which spontaneously draws hundreds of screaming adoring fans--ranging from young children to old ladies. He also has a little Van-Dyke type beard--kind of like Michael Knight's evil version, but a bit friendlier! Also, he walks around the modern day dressed in frilly shirts--you know... just to remind us that he's a Musketeer.

Alison Doody plays the hot female Musketeer, Ann Marie Athos(with suspiciously mid-1980's hair for the early-1990's),, who is a "Love Doctor" on the radio, when she's not wearing leather, riding a motorcycle, and saying phrases like "I want to take that punk down".

Thomas Gottschalk--Peter Porthos--is some slimy Eurotrash type who spends most of the movie staring at Athos' ass.

The newest Musketeer is Burt Aramis (Cheech Marin) who has been "found" with the 4th ring--which has apparently been lost since the time of the Civil War. Much of the drama of the later part of the movie has to do with him fitting into the Musketeers (Burt is a crook), except for the portion of that half of the movie which has to do with the gang taking down the same mobster who kidnapped the little boy in the first half of the movie.

If you insist on watching this, have a big container of Maalox to go along with your tub of popcorn.