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Revenge of the Nerds IV: Nerds in Love (TV Movie 1994) Poster

Quotes

[Lewis stops Trevor from mooning people]

Lewis Skolnick: Trevor, it isn't nice to moon.

Trevor Gulf: Oh, it isn't?

Lewis Skolnick: No, it isn't.

Trevor Gulf: Mr. Ogre mooned.

Lewis Skolnick: Well, you see Trevor, Mr. Ogre is a converted nerd, ok? He used to be a jock so he's still a little rough around the edges.

Trevor Gulf: Jacques, is he from France?

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Lewis Skolnick: Stan, you are such a nerd!

Stan Gable: I sure am!

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Judy: I think you're breaking out.

Stan Gable: What're you talking about? I've always had a perfect complexion.

Judy: Uh-uh, I think you have the chickenpox.

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Betty Skolnick: Lewis, I don't want you to go now, it's after 3 in the morning.

Lewis Skolnick: If my wife and my unborn fetal son want pickles and ice cream, I don't care what time it is.

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Lewis Skolnick: It's not that bad.

Dudley Dawson: Not that bad? Lewis, we just had a food fight. People don't have... food fights, at their... BRIDAL SHOWERS! But I did! Some nova riche guy, looked like he could've been a banker, is standing over me, shoving handfuls of garnish up my NOSTRILS!

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Tippy: It's on!

Romeo: What's on?

Tippy: The wedding.

Romeo: First it's on, then it's off, now it's on again. I am a humble servant, not a yo-yo.

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Aaron Humphrey: Everybody who's important is gone.

Tippy: No, no look, your sister's still here.

Aaron Humphrey: My sister stays to the end of supermarket openings.

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Mr. Skolnick: How's my unborn grandson?

Lewis Skolnick: You mean you're unborn fetal son?

[laughs]

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Dudley Dawson: So what do you like to do?

Heidi 'Booger' Dawson: I'm afraid to tell you because if you don't like what I like, then you won't like me.

Dudley Dawson: I think I'm going to like you, no matter WHAT you do, as long as you live.

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Dudley Dawson: It's not your fault, you didn't ask to be born... you want me to give you a push on those swings?

Heidi 'Booger' Dawson: No thanks.

Dudley Dawson: I'm a pretty good swing pusher, I can get you in over the top.

Heidi 'Booger' Dawson: I'm too old to be pushed on swings.

Dudley Dawson: Oh yeah, you're too old for that... I used to hate it when people treated me like a baby.

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Jeanie Humphrey: To hell with my father!

Dudley Dawson: I was hoping you'd say that!

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Dudley Dawson: I'd like to thank you all for this wonderful shower.

Lewis Skolnick: It's probably the first shower you've ever had.

Mr. Dawson: No, he showered regularly, every other night in summer, and weekly in the winter.

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Betty Skolnick: Lewis, there were women at the party last night, weren't there?

Lewis Skolnick: Yeah.

Betty Skolnick: Were they pretty?

Lewis Skolnick: Yeah.

Betty Skolnick: What did you do with them?

Lewis Skolnick: The bunny hop.

Betty Skolnick: That's it? Just the bunny hop?

Lewis Skolnick: Yeah.

Betty Skolnick: Okay, then you can still be my Valentine.

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Lewis Skolnick: Harold where're you going?

Lamar: I don't know but I'd guess over to Lois.

Takashi: Are you scoing, Harold?

Harold: Well I wouldn't tell you if I was. But I'll guarantee you this much, I ain't going over there for breakfast!

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Dudley Dawson: It's on!

Everybody: What's on?

Dudley Dawson: The wedding!

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Lewis Skolnick: You're not supposed to reveal what goes on at a bachelor party.

Ogre: Wild horses couldn't drag it out of me. Who can't we tell again?

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Betty Skolnick: Hey. What's Trevor Gulf doing?

Jeanie Humphrey: [startled] I-I think he's mooning us.

Lewis Skolnick: That's no moon, thats the San Joquin valley

[shouts, running at Trevor as people began to react off-screen]

Lewis Skolnick: TREVOR, NO!

Takashi: [takes photo of Trevor's mooning] Oh! Big Smile!

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Lewis Skolnick: Betty, don't push.

All: [chanting] Betty don't push, Betty don't push, Betty don't push, Betty don't push, hee hee hoo, hee hee hoo, hee hee hoo.

[Betty screams]

All: Betty don't scream! Betty don't scream, Betty don't scream.

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Jeanie Humphrey: I love Booger! And I'm gonna marry him, no matter WHAT you say!

Tippy: Jeanie!

[to Aaron]

Tippy: What did you say to her?

Aaron Humphrey: Nothing, I just made a suggestion.

Tippy: Oh, can't we all just get along?

Aaron Humphrey: She comes up with a guy who looks like he came out of a vending machine and I'M the one who's wrong!

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Jeanie Humphrey: [to Heidi] You gave up what you wanted to tell the truth, I admire that quality in a person.

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Jeanie Humphrey: It's on!

Lewis SkolnickBetty Skolnick: What's on?

Jeanie Humphrey: The wedding!

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Jeanie Humphrey: I'm sure my mother's just overwhelmed by the wedding and everything.

Dudley Dawson: Oh, then you don't think it's because they hate my guts?

Jeanie Humphrey: Booger, I love you!

Dudley Dawson: Yeah, I know *you* do, but I'm not sure about your parents.

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U. N. Jefferson: I've never been to a nerd wedding

[bursts into tears]

U. N. Jefferson: I didn't cry at!

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Takashi: The bishop has a kidney stone, he no make it to wedding!

Dudley Dawson: How am I supposed to get married without a clergyman?

Mr. Skolnick: I could marry you.

Dudley Dawson: But I don't love you.

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Chip: Isn't it just a little bit strange that Jeannie never brought uh, what's-his-butt over here before?

Gaylord: His name is Dudley, and they only met three months ago.

Aaron Humphrey: I know I'd be a shoo-in with the people if I could just get those old-money blue-bloods to endorse my candidacy.

Chip: And they'd be damned fools not to, Dad, irregardless of the fact that you are nouveau riche.

Aaron Humphrey: Don't you ever use that phrase in this house! I am not nouveau riche! I am a self-made businessman; and I'm not your dad, I'm your father-in-law, get it?

Chip: Right, uh, self-made businessman, father-in-law, I got it.

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Lewis Skolnick: Hey, so Booger, how are things going with the in-laws?

Dudley Dawson: Well, things were going okay, until my mother-in-law passed out and cracked her head on the coffee table.

Lewis SkolnickBetty Skolnick: Oh.

Dudley Dawson: I don't think my father-in-law likes me at all.

Lewis SkolnickBetty Skolnick: Umm.

Dudley Dawson: He's one of those pretentious, hoity-toity nouveau riche types. He may be anti-nerd.

Lewis Skolnick: *gasp*

Betty Skolnick: Oh no.

Motel Manager: Hmm.

Betty Skolnick: Why does this always have to poke its ugly head out?

Lewis Skolnick: Indeed. We need to nip this in the bud. Booger, I want you to know I take my job as best man very seriously, and I will take care of everything, including Jeannie's old man. Never fear, Skolnick's here.

Betty Skolnick: I love you, you big galoot.

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Motel Manager: Are you sure your best man knows where we are located?

Dudley Dawson: Oh, he'll find it, all right.

[looks at watch]

Dudley Dawson: As a matter of fact, he'll be here in exactly... 7 seconds... 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.

[Lewis's semi approaches the motel where Booger is staying]

Dudley Dawson: Right on the button. Lewis!

Lewis Skolnick: Booger!

Dudley Dawson: Pull in here!

[Lewis honks his truck's horn, and stops his semi in the motel's parking lot]

Lewis Skolnick: [Lewis and Booger laugh and enjoy a celebratory embrace] Oh, Booger's wedding!

Dudley Dawson: Yeah!

Lewis Skolnick: [singsong] Booger's getting married!

Dudley Dawson: Oh, come on, stop it!

Lewis Skolnick: Hey, what do you think of the truck?

Dudley Dawson: Well, I would expect nothing else from the king of the nerds.

Lewis Skolnick: It's got everything.

Dudley Dawson: Where's Betty?

Lewis Skolnick: Oh, follow me.

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Chip: You know, there's two days before the wedding. A lot of things could happen.

Aaron Humphrey: Like what?

Chip: Engagements get cancelled all the time for all sorts of reasons.

Aaron Humphrey: You mean, break up the wedding?

Chip: We all want what's best for the family.

Aaron Humphrey: Break up my daughter's wedding? Don't even think about it, you've got a nasty mind, Chip! I hate when you have a nasty mind, break up my daughter's wedding, geez!

Chip: In addition to ruining any chance of a political career, think for one minute what this will do to the family tree.

Dudley Dawson: [Booger's portrait appears next to Jeannie, with Booger picking his nose] You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your relatives.

Aaron Humphrey: Do whatever you have to do.

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Takashi: Smile pretty, smile pretty.

[Takashi takes a photo with his camera]

Takashi: Thank you.

Lamar: Name tags, name tags anyone?

Takashi: [offscreen] Right there, right there, a picture.

Lamar: Excuse me, would you like a "Hello, my name is" tag?

Romeo: How nerdy can you get?

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Lamar: [puts a name tag on Aaron] "Daddy".

Lewis Skolnick: Hi, Lewis Skolnick, best man.

Aaron Humphrey: [reluctantly shakes Lewis's hand] Figures.

Lewis Skolnick: Booger is just crazy about your daughter. He's gonna make a wonderful husband, and that's all that really matters.

Aaron Humphrey: Right.

Lewis Skolnick: You know, once you get to know Booger, you'll be very happy with what you see.

[Lewis sips his cocktail]

Aaron Humphrey: I'll be very happy when I get away from you.

[Lewis gives a loud nasal laugh]

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Trevor Gulf: Excuse me, Mr. Lewis, Mr. Booger; why is that buttocks squished up against the window like a pressed Devonshire ham?

Lewis SkolnickDudley Dawson: [Tippy shrieks and faints] Ogre!

Ogre: [Lewis opens the door to let Ogre in] Lewey!

Lewis Skolnick: Ogre! How are you?

Ogre: How ya doing?

Lewis Skolnick: Good.

Ogre: See it?

Lewis Skolnick: Yeah, I saw it.

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Dudley Dawson: Well, I don't know about you guys, but I'm ready to jump off the dock!

Ogre: Yeah!

[applause]

Chip: Hold it, everybody. I'd like to offer my toast...

Everybody: Yeah, yeah.

Dudley Dawson: ...to Booger's love child.

[suspenseful music]

Dudley Dawson: Love child? What are you talking about?

[suspenseful music continues]

Chip: I'm talking about the daughter you had 12 years ago, out of wedlock, with a young woman in Sandusky, Ohio.

Ogre: All right, Booger! Yeah, bud!

Aaron Humphrey: You have a child that my little girl doesn't know about? I am appalled Booger, appalled. And so is my wife, right, see?

Lois Humphrey: But...

Dudley Dawson: I don't know anything about this. I have no child in Sandusky, Ohio.

Chip: The hell you don't!

[everyone gasps]

Lewis Skolnick: This is a fairly specious charge. Where's your proof, Chip?

Dudley Dawson: Yeah, where's your proof, Chip?

Everybody: Yeah!

Chip: My proof is right here: I'd like you to meet Detective First Class, Chad Penrod. Detective Penrod, does Dudley Dawson, alias "Booger", have or have not a 12-year old child in Sandusky, Ohio?

Chad Penrod: [takes out his notepad] I checked the birth records in Sandusky and found... that on March 19, 1981, a certain Heidi Dawson was born to a Miss Cathleen Turtle... Turteltaub, and a Mr. Dudley Dawson.

Ogre: Cool.

Trevor Gulf: Wait! If the parents of the alleged love child were never married, why isn't the child's name Heidi Turteltaub?

Dudley Dawson: Exactly! Why isn't the child's name Heidi Turteltaub?

Lewis Skolnick: Yes!

Chad Penrod: Beats me.

Dudley Dawson: If the child were born to an unmarried mother, wouldn't the so-said mother have given the aforementioned daughter her last name?

Chad Penrod: Well, I do know this: The child's nickname is "Booger".

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Lamar: [Lewis has just separated a brawl between Lamar and Chip] I heard...

Lewis Skolnick: Word!

[Lewis glances at Chip]

Lewis Skolnick: I can't believe what got into you two, this is supposed to be a happy occasion!

[turns to Lamar]

Lewis Skolnick: I'm especially surprised at you, Lamar! Now what was going on?

Lamar: Well, Chip was crackin' on Booger's parents.

Dudley Dawson: Crackin' on my parents? What kind of cracks, Chip?

Lewis Skolnick: Booger.

Unknown: Yeah, what kind?

Lewis Skolnick: Booger, as your best man, I strongly advise you to just let it go

Dudley Dawson: I'm not going to let it go.

Lewis Skolnick: On the other hand, I'm prepared to explore other avenues with you as well.

Dudley Dawson: What kind of cracks, Chip?

Chip: Uhh-uhh...

Lamar: Chip said that your mama was so ugly, the Elephant Man paid to see her.

[Ogre laughs loudly]

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Dudley Dawson: Hath not a nerd eyes? When you prick us, do we not bleed?

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Takashi: Hey everybody, everybody! Booger's parents are here! Mr. and Mrs. Booger, Mr. and Mrs. Booger!

[applause]

Dudley Dawson: Mom? Dad!

Chip: They look like they just fell off a pickle truck.

Gaylord: [slaps Chip] Chip!

Chip: Ow!

Dudley Dawson: Folks, everybody, excuse me, these are my parents.

Everybody: Oh!

Betty Skolnick: We're so glad that you're here, Mr. and Mrs. Dawson.

[applause]

Dudley Dawson: I am flabbergasted. We would both like to thank all of you from the bottom of our hearts for this... wonderful shower you're throwing us.

Lewis Skolnick: It's probably the first shower he's ever had.

[guffaws]

Mr. Dawson: No, he showered regularly: every other night in the summer, and weekly in the winter.

[more guffaws]

Dudley Dawson: Well, I don't know about you guys, but I'm ready to jump off the dock!

Ogre: Yeah!

[applause]

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Lewis Skolnick: So you might have a daughter in Sandusky, Ohio, huh?

Dudley Dawson: [sighs] I don't know, it's certainly possible. God knows my seed is as strong as an Alaskan salmon, and I partied pretty hard in the early '80s.

Lewis Skolnick: In Sandusky?

Dudley Dawson: Apart from Akron, I probably spent more time in Sandusky than any place on Earth. Damnit! Everything was going so great, now it's ruined.

Lewis Skolnick: Oh Booger, your wedding isn't ruined.

Dudley Dawson: What are you talking about? We just had a food fight; people... don't have... food fights at their *bridal showers*! But I did! Some nouveau-riche guy, looked like he could have been a banker, is mashing handfuls of garnish up my nostrils.

Lewis Skolnick: [sighs] I know things look bleak, but they've been bleak before: Do you remember at Adams College? We were exiled from the dorms and forced to live in the gymnasium. Do you remember in Fort Lauderdale, when we were persecuted into subjugation and incarcerated? How about when Orrin Price... framed me... for... embezzling Adams College computer research funds? We may have been subjected to the yoke of nerd oppression before, but we're not going to be subjected to it again!

[flings aside a glass beer mug]

Lewis Skolnick: This wedding is not over, the son of a gun has just begun! Come on, pal.

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Chip: Knock knock, this a private party?

Aaron Humphrey: Have a drink, Chip.

Chip: Thanks Dad - uh, Aaron, heh heh.

[sighs]

Chip: Well, I'm taking a lot of flak from this from my wife. I thought the, uh, food fight was a nice plus, though.

Aaron Humphrey: This is a career day for you, Chip. A s a matter of fact, this is the first good thing I could ever remember you doing.

Chip: Oh come on, I've done lots of good things.

Aaron Humphrey: Name one.

Chip: Are you serious?

Aaron Humphrey: Name one.

Chip: Well, there was, uh, uh...

Aaron Humphrey: You don't do anything, and I pay you a fortune, but look, you made up for everything. You're the man who drove the Booger man out of my daughter's life.

Chip: Heh.

[Chip and Aaron have a celebratory toast]

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Aaron Humphrey: It um... it is true, Chip?

Chip: Is what true?

Aaron Humphrey: That, um... he has a... child with an unwed mother and all that?

Chip: Yeah, sure it's true. The detective I hired found it.

Aaron Humphrey: Because it, uh... it wouldn't be good if it wasn't true.

Chip: It's true.

Aaron Humphrey: Then, uh... then it's good.

Chip: 'Cause it's true.

Aaron Humphrey: Right; if it's true, it's good... and uh, I feel good about that.

Chip: Good.

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Jeanie Humphrey: I love you, Booger.

Dudley Dawson: Oh, I love you, too.

Jeanie Humphrey: But marriage is about trust, no secrets from each other, remember?

Dudley Dawson: I don't have any secrets.

Jeanie Humphrey: Well, what about that child in Sandusky, Ohio?

Dudley Dawson: I don't have a child in Sandusky, Ohio!

Jeanie Humphrey: Well, why would Detective Penrod say that you did?

Dudley Dawson: Well, I don't know! I don't even know who Detective Penrod is! I'm a condemned man and I don't have a child!

Jeanie Humphrey: I believe you, Booger.

Dudley Dawson: You do?

Jeanie Humphrey: Yes, because marriage is about trust, and I trust you completely.

[laughs]

Dudley Dawson: All I know is that I love you and I think we should continue the wedding.

Jeanie Humphrey: Oh Booger, I don't know what to do. I don't know - I tell you - what's wrong or right anymore.

Dudley Dawson: I, uh... I know it's a day early, but... I'd like you to read my valentine.

[Jeanie giggles]

Dudley Dawson: Open it up.

Jeanie Humphrey: [reads from the card] Ahem, "An empty spot was on my heart, until I met you, O Valentine. Then the spot filled in, my heart was whole, I could love for the first time in my life, now that you are going to become... my wife." Ah, the hell with my dad!

Dudley Dawson: Oh, that's exactly what I hoped you'd say!

[Jeanie starts laughing and lowing like a cow]

Dudley Dawson: Again.

[Jeanie continues to make a lowing sound]

Dudley Dawson: Ho ho ho ho ho, oh I can't tell you what it does to me to hear you moo again! Moooo!

Jeanie Humphrey: Oh, Booger!

Dudley Dawson: Jeanie!

[Booger and Jeanie share a joyous embrace while lowing and mooing]

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Aaron Humphrey: Romeo, have you seen Chip?

Romeo: [sarcastically] Oh sure, that's exactly what I have on my mind: worrying about where Chip is. Oh gee, where could Chip be? Here Chip, Chip, Chip, Chip; here Chip, Chip, Chip. Chip, Chip, Chip.

Aaron Humphrey: How would you like to lose about 12 teeth?

Romeo: Bitch.

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Chip: I'm looking for dirt, scandal, some deviant behavior, a skeleton in the closet that would be so horrible, it would break up a wedding, and money's no object.

Chad Penrod: How did you find me?

Chip: Let's just say, through a friend.

Chad Penrod: And why do you wanna ruin the wedding?

Chip: Well, my father-in-law's thinking of getting into politics, and the groom would ruin his chances.

Chad Penrod: If the father-in-law doesn't the political arena, you don't take over the family business.

Chip: Yes, well I suppose that would happen, but that's not my major concern.

Chad Penrod: It's nerds, isn't it?

Chip: How did you know that?

Chad Penrod: I'm a detective.

Chip: Wow.

Chad Penrod: I had a case with nerds a couple months ago, they can be very slippery.

Chip: How do I know you're any good?

Chad Penrod: You know the dirt on the royal family?

Chip: You?

[Chad Penrod nods]

Chip: Well, let's do business.

Chad Penrod: All right, what's the groom's name?

Chip: Uh, Dudley Dawson, but his friends call him "Booger".

Chad Penrod: Well, that's the first thing in our favor.

Chip: What's that?

Chad Penrod: With a name like Booger, it shouldn't be too hard to get dirt on him, right?

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Lewis Skolnick: Okay, all right, anybody who feels that Booger could have had an illegitimate child in Sandusky, Ohio, raise your right hands.

[Most of the Tri-Lambdas raise their hands at first, followed by Ogre and Betty]

Lewis Skolnick: Opposed?

Betty Skolnick: You don't think it's possible?

Lewis Skolnick: No, I do not; Booger may be Booger, but he always took precautions.

Lamar: That is right, he always did wear condoms.

Takashi: Ohh, condoms!

Lamar: Mm-hmm.

Trevor Gulf: So, he couldn't have a child.

Lewis Skolnick: No way.

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Chip: I - I thought you told me the love child was real.

Chad Penrod: I didn't say she was real, I said it was a great idea.

Chip: But it hasn't turned out to be such a great idea, has it? If Aaron finds out I've lied to him, I'm dead; he's gonna fire me.

Chad Penrod: [sighs] Hey, if he fires you, isn't he also cutting off his own daughter?

Chip: [whines] He's gonna give her an allowance that I'm not allowed to touch.

Chad Penrod: Well... that'd do it.

[Chip moans]

Chad Penrod: Aw relax, will you? There are plenty of ways to ruin a wedding.

Chip: Such as?

Chad Penrod: It's easy, you know what bachelor parties are like: beautiful women, liquor flowing, raw naked temptation; Booger's bound to succumb. According to his bio, he's got the self-control of a Brahma bull.

Chip: Uh, how would we, uh - how would we show proof of this?

Chad Penrod: We'll make one of "America's least funny home videos".

[Chip and Chad laugh mischievously]

Chip: Do it.

Chad Penrod: Hey, there's a horse here named "Big Booger".

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Lewis Skolnick: Now what was going on?

Lamar: Well, Chip was crackin' on Booger's parents.

Dudley Dawson: Crackin' on my parents?

[pause]

Dudley Dawson: What kind of cracks, Chip?

Lewis Skolnick: [apprehensively] Booger.

Unknown: Yeah, what kind?

Lewis Skolnick: Booger, as your best man, I strongly advise you to just let it go.

Dudley Dawson: I'm not going to let it go.

Lewis Skolnick: On the other hand, I'm prepared to explore other avenues with you as well.

Dudley Dawson: What kind of cracks, Chip?

[Chip stammers nervously]

Lamar: Chip said that your mama was so ugly, that the Elephant Man paid to see her.

[Ogre laughs out loud, then silences himself]

Chip: The point is, you have a 12-year old daughter in Sandusky, Ohio!

Dudley Dawson: This has nothing to do with my having a child in Sandusky, Ohio. That isn't what this is about at all.

[pause]

Dudley Dawson: This is because I'm a nerd...

[the crowd gasps]

Dudley Dawson: and it has been since the beginning.

Lamar: Mm-hmm.

Dudley Dawson: Why else would someone rummage through my private life with a detective? And then, announce this... detestable fabrication, this - this tissue of lies on the happiest day of my life?

Jeanie Humphrey: Oh, Booger.

Dudley Dawson: Hath not a nerd eyes? When you prick us, do we not bleed? I am tired of the reckless allegations, the snide snickering, the talking behind backs, the sly innuendoes, the looking down on us! We are what we are, aren't we?

Everybody: Yeah, we are!

Dudley Dawson: And we're proud of what we are.

Everybody: Yeah, we are!

Dudley Dawson: And we are not about to allow ourselves to be intimidated by a bunch of...

Lewis Skolnick: Booger! Don't say it!

Ogre: Say it, Booger!

Dudley Dawson: Nouveau-riche pigs!

Ogre: There you go!

Aaron Humphrey: You have... the audacity... to utter... the most... morally reprehensible slur to these... fine, upstanding... self-made businesspeople! Shame on you, Booger! Shame on all of you nerds.

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Trevor Gulf: Red ball, middle pocket, and you can call me London Fats.

[chuckles]

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Takashi: Oh, I made it!

Ogre: Great shot, Takashi you owe me another 20 bucks.

Takashi: Huh?

Ogre: Well, sometimes when you win, you lose. Now let's play for your watch.

Takashi: Okay, thank you

Ogre: You're welcome.

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Dudley Dawson: A bumper pool tournament, what an original idea for a bachelor party!

Lewis Skolnick: I knew that you would love it, Booger.

Mr. Dawson: Is there gonna be a girlie show?

Lewis Skolnick: Mr. Dawson, that would be sexist.

Dudley Dawson: Yeah, we believe it's possible to be entertained without demeaning women.

Mr. Dawson: That's nice, but personally, I'd prefer a little skin.

Chip: Hey fellas, I got winners.

[chuckles]

Dudley Dawson: He's got a lot of nerve showing his face around here.

Mr. Dawson: Temper, temper.

Lewis Skolnick: Don't worry about it, Booger, we got him under 24 hour surveillance. There's nothing he can do that we don't know about.

[Lewis and Trevor wink at each other, followed by Lewis and Booger guffawing together]

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Aaron Humphrey: You mind if I spoke to Chip alone?

Tippy: Oh, no, certainly. Come, sweetie. Gaylord!

[Tippy and Jeanie leave the bedroom]

Aaron Humphrey: This isn't good, Chip.

Chip: No.

Aaron Humphrey: So I'm gonna kill you, Chip. You made a fool out of my daughter!

Chip: Aaron, I can explain everything.

Aaron Humphrey: You lied about the illegitimate child, then you tried to frame Booger and you got caught!

Chip: The illegitimate child will be here tomorrow morning at 10 a.m. She's on route right now from Sandusky, Ohio.

Aaron Humphrey: There is no illegitimate child! You made it all up!

Chip: The illegitimate child will be here at 10:00 in the morning!

Aaron Humphrey: It better be! And you better get my daughter to forgive you, or there's no room for you in this family or at Humphrey Industries, you pervert creep!

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Takashi: Oh boy, that was one heck of a stag party last night, Lewis.

Mr. Dawson: I know I'll never forget it.

Trevor Gulf: I especially enjoyed your dance with the woman who removed her clothes, Mr. Booger.

Lewis Skolnick: Trevor, there's a code of silence about what goes on at a stag party.

Trevor Gulf: Code of silence?

Lewis Skolnick: So reveal nothing, even if you're under hours of interrogation and torture.

Ogre: Wild horses couldn't drag it out of me.

[chuckles]

Ogre: Uh, who aren't I supposed to tell?

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Tippy: [lying in the bathtub] Aaron, I hope you didn't have anything to do with videotaping Booger at the stag party.

Aaron Humphrey: Absolutely not, I wasn't even there.

Tippy: Mm-hmm. Aaron, if you don't participate in this wedding and make your daughter proud of you, I'm going to leave you.

Aaron Humphrey: You would leave me?

Tippy: I've learned a lot from the nerds: nerds speak their mind. And from now on, I'm going to speak my mind, too. If you don't support your daughter during this wedding, I'm outta here.

Tippy: Fix your ascot. It's not like I'm giving up that much.

Aaron Humphrey: What is that supposed to mean?

Tippy: Aaron, we haven't had sex since the Bush administration.

Aaron Humphrey: Well, it's uh... hard to perform that way when the Democrats are in power. Ask any guy in this neighborhood; that's why the sex hasn't been that hot lately.

Tippy: Hot? I'd settle for lukewarm. Zip your fly.

Aaron Humphrey: [Aaron zips up his pants] Well, it's not all my fault. How can I have sex when I have to spend all my time fixing my ascot, zippering my fly, and matching my socks? I can't be perfect for you any more, Tippy! It's too much pressure.

Tippy: Aaron, I thought I was helping you. I know how much you want to be accepted by the blue bloods, but you don't ever have to be perfect for me.

Aaron Humphrey: I don't?

Tippy: No, I just want you to be the imperfect animal I fell in love with.

Aaron Humphrey: You mean it?

Tippy: Absolutely.

Aaron Humphrey: Tippy.

Tippy: Aaron.

Aaron Humphrey: Oh, Tippy.

[Aaron steps into the bathtub with Tippy]

Tippy: Aaron! Ohh! Ohh! Ohh!

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Harold: [talking to Booger on his cell phone] Hey, I don't know if you're enjoying your wedding, but it's been the best time of my life.

[chuckles]

Lois Humphrey: Nerds, who knew?

Dudley Dawson: Where are you?

Harold: I'm over at Lois's.

Dudley Dawson: Well, it's been special, and thank God it's all going to end this afternoon.

Chip: [shows up with Heidi] It's all gonna end right now! I'd like you to meet Heidi Dawson, your daughter.

[Heidi steps forward, picking her nose]

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Dudley Dawson: It's not your fault. You didn't do anything, you didn't ask to be born. Would you... like me to give you a push on the swings?

Heidi 'Booger' Dawson: No thanks.

Dudley Dawson: Uh, I'm a pretty good swing pusher, I could give you an over-the-top.

Heidi 'Booger' Dawson: I'm too old to be pushed on the swings.

Dudley Dawson: Oh, right. Yeah, you're too old for that. I used to hate it when people treated me like a baby.

Heidi 'Booger' Dawson: You did?

Dudley Dawson: Oh, yeah. So what do you like to do?

Heidi 'Booger' Dawson: I'm afraid to tell you, because if you don't like what I like, then you won't like me.

Dudley Dawson: I think I'm going to like you, no matter what you do, as long as you live, so there.

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Lewis Skolnick: Booger, every wedding has its crisis, this is yours.

Dudley Dawson: A crisis would be easy compared to this.

[looks up to the balcony]

Dudley Dawson: Jeanie!

Jeanie Humphrey: [sadly] Oh, Booger.

Lewis Skolnick: [Jeanie goes back into her bedroom] Booger, the groom never stops pursuing his bride.

[Lewis puts his arm around Betty]

Lewis Skolnick: Never.

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Jeanie Humphrey: [uses the pond scooper as a pole vault, and grunts as he climbs Jeanie's balcony rail] Booger.

Dudley Dawson: Darling! Whoa!

[Booger stumbles over the balcony rail]

Dudley Dawson: So what if I have a child?

Jeanie Humphrey: I'm so confused, you know, I don't know what to think anymore!

Dudley Dawson: Oh, marry me, Jeanie!

Jeanie Humphrey: I- I just need a few days to think about it.

Dudley Dawson: And not get married on Valentine's Day?

Jeanie Humphrey: I'm confused, Booger, I need time!

Dudley Dawson: There was a time when getting married on Valentine's Day was... the most important thing in the world to us.

Jeanie Humphrey: [sighs] Please go, Booger.

Dudley Dawson: Is that what you really want?

Jeanie Humphrey: [fighting back the tears] No,not in my heart and... not in my soul, but I'm just so nuts over this, you know. It's like I just need a little space... Please, Booger?

Dudley Dawson: [Booger gives a rose to Jeanie, starts to sing softly] Jean, Jean / The roses are red /

Jeanie Humphrey: [starts singing] All the leaves have gone green /

Dudley Dawson: And the skies are so low /

Jeanie Humphrey: You can touch them / And so /

Dudley DawsonJeanie Humphrey: Come into my arms / Bonnie Jean.

[Booger and Jeanie briefly embrace, falling back onto the bed, giggling]

Jeanie Humphrey: [goes to the balcony] It's on!

Lewis SkolnickBetty Skolnick: What's on?

Jeanie Humphrey: The wedding! Whoo-hoo!

[Jeanie tosses a rose down from the balcony]

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Dudley Dawson: Lewis.

Lewis Skolnick: Booger.

Dudley Dawson: I'm gonna marry Cathleen Turteltaub.

Lewis Skolnick: Who's Cathleen Turteltaub?

Dudley Dawson: Heidi's mother.

[Booger sips the drink he just poured]

Lewis Skolnick: But you don't even know Cathleen Turteltaub.

Dudley Dawson: I know, but it's the right thing to do.

Lewis Skolnick: [Booger and Lewis sit down, sipping their drinks] This really isn't about Cathleen Turteltaub, is it?

Dudley Dawson: No, it isn't.

Lewis Skolnick: This is about your zapatos becoming muy frio, no?

Dudley Dawson: Lewis.

Lewis Skolnick: Booger?

Dudley Dawson: I didn't go through with it with the stripper last night.

Lewis Skolnick: Oh yeah, we know.

Dudley Dawson: How do you know?

Lewis Skolnick: Well, we kind of figured it out when we edited the videotape to ruin Chip's life.

Dudley Dawson: Here I was, passing up this... mound of perfect... I, who have never passed up anything in my life. What is the matter with me, Lewis? Where has the Booger I have known and loved... gone?

Lewis Skolnick: [clock chimes] You ready?

Dudley Dawson: Let's do it.

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Aaron Humphrey: Mylan, I'm so sorry for all the trouble that you've experienced with this affair.

Tippy: Thanks for coming to the wedding.

Mylan Whitfield: I do not care to judge you all on the basis of the hell I've been through, but I trust it was merely a horrific aberration, and I expect the wedding to be quite different.

Aaron Humphrey: What?

[takes out the check for Mylan's campaign fund]

Aaron Humphrey: Oh, I uh... trust that will be enough.

Mylan Whitfield: [takes the check] Wouldn't have missed this wedding for the world.

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Lewis Skolnick: [Mr. Skolnick's car pulls into the driveway] Dad!

Dudley Dawson: U.N.!

Mr. Skolnick: [Mr. Skolnick and U.N. get out of the car] Hey, how are you?

U. N. Jefferson: [Lewis hugs his dad, U.N. shakes hands with Booger] Congratulations, Booger, congratulations!

Dudley Dawson: Thank you.

U. N. Jefferson: I wouldn't miss a nerd wedding for the world.

U. N. Jefferson: [greets Lewis, Mr. Skolnick greets Booger] How are you?

Mr. Skolnick: How's my unborn grandson?

Lewis Skolnick: You mean your unborn fetal son?

[Lewis and his dad guffaw together]

Takashi: Emergency! Excuse please, the bishop has a kidney stone, he no make it to wedding!

Dudley Dawson: What? How am I supposed to get married without a clergyman?

Mr. Skolnick: I can marry you.

Dudley Dawson: But I don't love you.

Mr. Skolnick: Oh- No, no, I took a correspondence course, I'm a fully ordained Tilhoonian minister.

U. N. Jefferson: You are?

Mr. Skolnick: U.N.

[Takashi, Booger, Lewis and his dad all guffaw together, while U.N. Jefferson stands quietly surprised, not getting the pun]

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Dudley Dawson: Heidi, where are you going?

Heidi 'Booger' Dawson: I shouldn't be here.

Dudley Dawson: Of course, you should be here.

Heidi 'Booger' Dawson: I'm not really your daughter. Chip got me from an orphanage.

Dudley Dawson: Chip got you in an orphanage?

Aaron Humphrey: [Chip scoffs] You um... rented an orphan?

Chip: Well, it seemed like a good idea at the time.

[starts crying]

Chip: I've been under a lot of stress lately; I'm sorry.

Gaylord: [Aaron starts strangling Chip, Gaylord stops Aaron for a moment] Daddy, no!

[Gaylord slaps Chip herself, then kicks him in the groin]

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Dudley Dawson: Heidi, where are you going?

Heidi 'Booger' Dawson: I shouldn't be here.

Dudley Dawson: Of course, you should be here.

Heidi 'Booger' Dawson: I'm not really your daughter. Chip got me from an orphanage.

Dudley Dawson: Chip got you in an orphanage?

Aaron Humphrey: [Chip scoffs] You um... rented an orphan?

Chip: Well, it seemed like a good idea at the time.

[starts crying pathetically]

Chip: I've been under a lot of stress lately; I'm sorry.

Aaron Humphrey: [Aaron starts strangling Chip, rejecting his incompetent apology; Gaylord stops Aaron for a moment] Daddy, no!

Everybody: [Gaylord slaps Chip, then kicks him in the groin with the wedding guests in the background chanting as Betty screams] Betty, don't push!

Aaron Humphrey: [to Chip] Get off our land!

Gaylord: [Chip cringes and starts to run away] Aren't you forgetting something: the keys to the BMW?

Aaron Humphrey: Cough 'em up!

Lewis Skolnick: [with a stethoscope between his teeth] Okay, honey!

Chip: [Chip tosses the keys back to Aaron] You nerds did this to me! But I'll get you... if it's the last thing I do!

Gaylord: [Chip stumbles over a floral arrangement as he leaves the estate] Bye, Chip!

Chip: Hmph!

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Dudley Dawson: Heidi, where are you going?

Heidi 'Booger' Dawson: I shouldn't be here.

Dudley Dawson: Of course, you should be here.

Heidi 'Booger' Dawson: I'm not really your daughter; Chip got me from an orphanage.

Dudley Dawson: [suspiciously] Chip... got you in an orphanage?

Aaron Humphrey: [Chip scoffs] You, uh... rented an orphan?

Chip: Well, it seemed like a good idea at the time.

[starts crying pathetically]

Chip: I've been under a lot of stress lately; I'm sorry.

Gaylord: [Aaron starts strangling Chip, rejecting his incompetent apology; Gaylord stops Aaron for a moment] Daddy, don't!

Everybody: [Gaylord slaps Chip, then kicks him in the groin with the wedding guests in the background chanting as Betty screams] Betty, don't push!

Aaron Humphrey: [to Chip] Get off our land!

Gaylord: [Chip cringes and starts to run away] Aren't you forgetting something: the keys to the BMW?

Aaron Humphrey: Cough 'em up!

Lewis Skolnick: [with a stethoscope between his teeth] Okay, honey!

Chip: [Chip tosses the keys back to Aaron] You nerds did this to me! But I'll get you... if it's the last thing I do!

Gaylord: [Chip stumbles over a standing vase as he leaves the estate] Bye, Chip!

Chip: Hmph!

Gaylord: My next husband's going to be a nerd.

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Aaron Humphrey: I, uh... I would like to make an announcement.

[Betty screams while undergoing labor for her soon-to-be born child]

Aaron Humphrey: I have, uh... been a jerk for this whole wedding.

U. N. Jefferson: You certainly have.

Aaron Humphrey: Well, I've - I've never been around a nerd before, and I guess, uh... well, I guess I judged a book by its cover.

[Betty groans while going through labor]

Aaron Humphrey: Booger, I know you and my Jeanie are going to be very happy together, because you know what you are, and you're proud of it.

Aaron Humphrey: Well, I'm, uh... sick of trying to be something I'm not.

Lewis Skolnick: [attending to Betty] Come on, push honey, push, push!

Aaron Humphrey: Tippy.

[Tippy stands next to Aaron, who puts his arm on her shoulder]

Aaron Humphrey: I, I... I am nouveau riche, and I'm proud of it!

Aaron Humphrey: [the wedding guests applaud] Mylan, if who I am isn't good enough for the Republican party of this state, then to hell with the nomination! And that is the truth!

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Dudley Dawson: Hey, hey, hey, don't go.

Jeanie Humphrey: [Heidi sighs] What would you say if I said we should adopt Heidi?

Dudley Dawson: I would say that I love you even more than I already do, and I didn't think that was possible.

Jeanie Humphrey: [to Heidi] You gave up what you wanted to tell the truth, I really admire that quality in a person.

[Heidi, Dudley,and Jeanie have a group hug]

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Betty Skolnick: [Betty has just given birth to her baby, and she cries tears of joy] Oh, oh, it's so beautiful.

Lewis Skolnick: [holds his newborn baby] Our son is born. Kunta Skolnick!

Mr. Skolnick: [holds his grandson for all to see] Behold, the nerd child.

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Mr. Skolnick: I see before me two souls who desire to be joined together. There's no greater challenge in life, and also no greater reward.

Mr. Skolnick: [Mr. Skolnick guffaws; U.N. Jefferson, Ogre, and Travis cry for joy] Do you, Dudley Dawson, take this woman, Jean Lagarde Humphrey, to be your lawful wife?

Dudley Dawson: [to Jean] Before I answer that, I just want to say... this is the happiest moment of my life.

Dudley Dawson: [faces Mr. Skolnick] I do.

Mr. Skolnick: And do you, Jean Lagarde Humphrey, take this man, Dudley Dawson, to be your lawfully wedded husband?

Jeanie Humphrey: Excuse me.

[Jeanie turns to Dudley]

Jeanie Humphrey: I'm going to love you till the end of time.

[faces Mr. Skolnick]

Jeanie Humphrey: I do.

Mr. Skolnick: Then, with the power invested in me by the Tilhoon Institute of Home Learning Church, I now pronounce you husband and wife.

[Mr. Skolnick guffaws; the wedding guests applaud]

Mylan Whitfield: [Dudley and Jeanie have a celebratory kiss] Nerds forever! Forever nerds!

[Mylan stands up]

Mylan Whitfield: Nerds! Nerds!

Mylan WhitfieldEverybody: Nerds! Nerds! Nerds! Nerds!

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