Revenge of the Nerds IV: Nerds in Love (1994 TV Movie)

Stephen Davies: Chip

Quotes 

• Chip : Isn't it just a little bit strange that Jeannie never brought uh, what's-his-butt over here before?

  Gaylord : His name is Dudley, and they only met three months ago.

  Aaron Humphrey : I know I'd be a shoo-in with the people if I could just get those old-money blue-bloods to endorse my candidacy.

  Chip : And they'd be damned fools not to, Dad, irregardless of the fact that you are nouveau riche.

  Aaron Humphrey : Don't you ever use that phrase in this house! I am not nouveau riche! I am a self-made businessman; and I'm not your dad, I'm your father-in-law, get it?

  Chip : Right, uh, self-made businessman, father-in-law, I got it.

• Chip : You know, there's two days before the wedding. A lot of things could happen.

  Aaron Humphrey : Like what?

  Chip : Engagements get cancelled all the time for all sorts of reasons.

  Aaron Humphrey : You mean, break up the wedding?

  Chip : We all want what's best for the family.

  Aaron Humphrey : Break up my daughter's wedding? Don't even think about it, you've got a nasty mind, Chip! I hate when you have a nasty mind, break up my daughter's wedding, geez!

  Chip : In addition to ruining any chance of a political career, think for one minute what this will do to the family tree.

  Dudley Dawson : [Booger's portrait appears next to Jeannie, with Booger picking his nose]  You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your relatives.

  Aaron Humphrey : Do whatever you have to do.

• Dudley Dawson : Well, I don't know about you guys, but I'm ready to jump off the dock!

  Ogre : Yeah!

  [applause] 

  Chip : Hold it, everybody. I'd like to offer my toast...

  Everybody : Yeah, yeah.

  Dudley Dawson : ...to Booger's love child.

  [suspenseful music] 

  Dudley Dawson : Love child? What are you talking about?

  [suspenseful music continues] 

  Chip : I'm talking about the daughter you had 12 years ago, out of wedlock, with a young woman in Sandusky, Ohio.

  Ogre : All right, Booger! Yeah, bud!

  Aaron Humphrey : You have a child that my little girl doesn't know about? I am appalled Booger, appalled. And so is my wife, right, see?

  Lois Humphrey : But...

  Dudley Dawson : I don't know anything about this. I have no child in Sandusky, Ohio.

  Chip : The hell you don't!

  [everyone gasps] 

  Lewis Skolnick : This is a fairly specious charge. Where's your proof, Chip?

  Dudley Dawson : Yeah, where's your proof, Chip?

  Everybody : Yeah!

  Chip : My proof is right here: I'd like you to meet Detective First Class, Chad Penrod. Detective Penrod, does Dudley Dawson, alias "Booger", have or have not a 12-year old child in Sandusky, Ohio?

  Chad Penrod : [takes out his notepad]  I checked the birth records in Sandusky and found... that on March 19, 1981, a certain Heidi Dawson was born to a Miss Cathleen Turtle... Turteltaub, and a Mr. Dudley Dawson.

  Ogre : Cool.

  Trevor Gulf : Wait! If the parents of the alleged love child were never married, why isn't the child's name Heidi Turteltaub?

  Dudley Dawson : Exactly! Why isn't the child's name Heidi Turteltaub?

  Lewis Skolnick : Yes!

  Chad Penrod : Beats me.

  Dudley Dawson : If the child were born to an unmarried mother, wouldn't the so-said mother have given the aforementioned daughter her last name?

  Chad Penrod : Well, I do know this: The child's nickname is "Booger".

• Lamar : [Lewis has just separated a brawl between Lamar and Chip]  I heard...

  Lewis Skolnick : Word!

  [Lewis glances at Chip] 

  Lewis Skolnick : I can't believe what got into you two, this is supposed to be a happy occasion!

  [turns to Lamar] 

  Lewis Skolnick : I'm especially surprised at you, Lamar! Now what was going on?

  Lamar : Well, Chip was crackin' on Booger's parents.

  Dudley Dawson : Crackin' on my parents? What kind of cracks, Chip?

  Lewis Skolnick : Booger.

  Unknown : Yeah, what kind?

  Lewis Skolnick : Booger, as your best man, I strongly advise you to just let it go

  Dudley Dawson : I'm not going to let it go.

  Lewis Skolnick : On the other hand, I'm prepared to explore other avenues with you as well.

  Dudley Dawson : What kind of cracks, Chip?

  Chip : Uhh-uhh...

  Lamar : Chip said that your mama was so ugly, the Elephant Man paid to see her.

  [Ogre laughs loudly] 

• Takashi : Hey everybody, everybody! Booger's parents are here! Mr. and Mrs. Booger, Mr. and Mrs. Booger!

  [applause] 

  Dudley Dawson : Mom? Dad!

  Chip : They look like they just fell off a pickle truck.

  Gaylord : [slaps Chip]  Chip!

  Chip : Ow!

  Dudley Dawson : Folks, everybody, excuse me, these are my parents.

  Everybody : Oh!

  Betty Skolnick : We're so glad that you're here, Mr. and Mrs. Dawson.

  [applause] 

  Dudley Dawson : I am flabbergasted. We would both like to thank all of you from the bottom of our hearts for this... wonderful shower you're throwing us.

  Lewis Skolnick : It's probably the first shower he's ever had.

  [guffaws] 

  Mr. Dawson : No, he showered regularly: every other night in the summer, and weekly in the winter.

  [more guffaws] 

  Dudley Dawson : Well, I don't know about you guys, but I'm ready to jump off the dock!

  Ogre : Yeah!

  [applause] 

• Chip : Knock knock, this a private party?

  Aaron Humphrey : Have a drink, Chip.

  Chip : Thanks Dad - uh, Aaron, heh heh.

  [sighs] 

  Chip : Well, I'm taking a lot of flak from this from my wife. I thought the, uh, food fight was a nice plus, though.

  Aaron Humphrey : This is a career day for you, Chip. A s a matter of fact, this is the first good thing I could ever remember you doing.

  Chip : Oh come on, I've done lots of good things.

  Aaron Humphrey : Name one.

  Chip : Are you serious?

  Aaron Humphrey : Name one.

  Chip : Well, there was, uh, uh...

  Aaron Humphrey : You don't do anything, and I pay you a fortune, but look, you made up for everything. You're the man who drove the Booger man out of my daughter's life.

  Chip : Heh.

  [Chip and Aaron have a celebratory toast] 

• Aaron Humphrey : It um... it is true, Chip?

  Chip : Is what true?

  Aaron Humphrey : That, um... he has a... child with an unwed mother and all that?

  Chip : Yeah, sure it's true. The detective I hired found it.

  Aaron Humphrey : Because it, uh... it wouldn't be good if it wasn't true.

  Chip : It's true.

  Aaron Humphrey : Then, uh... then it's good.

  Chip : 'Cause it's true.

  Aaron Humphrey : Right; if it's true, it's good... and uh, I feel good about that.

  Chip : Good.

• Chip : I'm looking for dirt, scandal, some deviant behavior, a skeleton in the closet that would be so horrible, it would break up a wedding, and money's no object.

  Chad Penrod : How did you find me?

  Chip : Let's just say, through a friend.

  Chad Penrod : And why do you wanna ruin the wedding?

  Chip : Well, my father-in-law's thinking of getting into politics, and the groom would ruin his chances.

  Chad Penrod : If the father-in-law doesn't the political arena, you don't take over the family business.

  Chip : Yes, well I suppose that would happen, but that's not my major concern.

  Chad Penrod : It's nerds, isn't it?

  Chip : How did you know that?

  Chad Penrod : I'm a detective.

  Chip : Wow.

  Chad Penrod : I had a case with nerds a couple months ago, they can be very slippery.

  Chip : How do I know you're any good?

  Chad Penrod : You know the dirt on the royal family?

  Chip : You?

  [Chad Penrod nods] 

  Chip : Well, let's do business.

  Chad Penrod : All right, what's the groom's name?

  Chip : Uh, Dudley Dawson, but his friends call him "Booger".

  Chad Penrod : Well, that's the first thing in our favor.

  Chip : What's that?

  Chad Penrod : With a name like Booger, it shouldn't be too hard to get dirt on him, right?

• Chip : I - I thought you told me the love child was real.

  Chad Penrod : I didn't say she was real, I said it was a great idea.

  Chip : But it hasn't turned out to be such a great idea, has it? If Aaron finds out I've lied to him, I'm dead; he's gonna fire me.

  Chad Penrod : [sighs]  Hey, if he fires you, isn't he also cutting off his own daughter?

  Chip : [whines]  He's gonna give her an allowance that I'm not allowed to touch.

  Chad Penrod : Well... that'd do it.

  [Chip moans] 

  Chad Penrod : Aw relax, will you? There are plenty of ways to ruin a wedding.

  Chip : Such as?

  Chad Penrod : It's easy, you know what bachelor parties are like: beautiful women, liquor flowing, raw naked temptation; Booger's bound to succumb. According to his bio, he's got the self-control of a Brahma bull.

  Chip : Uh, how would we, uh - how would we show proof of this?

  Chad Penrod : We'll make one of "America's least funny home videos".

  [Chip and Chad laugh mischievously] 

  Chip : Do it.

  Chad Penrod : Hey, there's a horse here named "Big Booger".

• Lewis Skolnick : Now what was going on?

  Lamar : Well, Chip was crackin' on Booger's parents.

  Dudley Dawson : Crackin' on my parents?

  [pause] 

  Dudley Dawson : What kind of cracks, Chip?

  Lewis Skolnick : [apprehensively]  Booger.

  Unknown : Yeah, what kind?

  Lewis Skolnick : Booger, as your best man, I strongly advise you to just let it go.

  Dudley Dawson : I'm not going to let it go.

  Lewis Skolnick : On the other hand, I'm prepared to explore other avenues with you as well.

  Dudley Dawson : What kind of cracks, Chip?

  [Chip stammers nervously] 

  Lamar : Chip said that your mama was so ugly, that the Elephant Man paid to see her.

  [Ogre laughs out loud, then silences himself] 

  Chip : The point is, you have a 12-year old daughter in Sandusky, Ohio!

  Dudley Dawson : This has nothing to do with my having a child in Sandusky, Ohio. That isn't what this is about at all.

  [pause] 

  Dudley Dawson : This is because I'm a nerd...

  [the crowd gasps] 

  Dudley Dawson : and it has been since the beginning.

  Lamar : Mm-hmm.

  Dudley Dawson : Why else would someone rummage through my private life with a detective? And then, announce this... detestable fabrication, this - this tissue of lies on the happiest day of my life?

  Jeanie Humphrey : Oh, Booger.

  Dudley Dawson : Hath not a nerd eyes? When you prick us, do we not bleed? I am tired of the reckless allegations, the snide snickering, the talking behind backs, the sly innuendoes, the looking down on us! We are what we are, aren't we?

  Everybody : Yeah, we are!

  Dudley Dawson : And we're proud of what we are.

  Everybody : Yeah, we are!

  Dudley Dawson : And we are not about to allow ourselves to be intimidated by a bunch of...

  Lewis Skolnick : Booger! Don't say it!

  Ogre : Say it, Booger!

  Dudley Dawson : Nouveau-riche pigs!

  Ogre : There you go!

  Aaron Humphrey : You have... the audacity... to utter... the most... morally reprehensible slur to these... fine, upstanding... self-made businesspeople! Shame on you, Booger! Shame on all of you nerds.

• Dudley Dawson : A bumper pool tournament, what an original idea for a bachelor party!

  Lewis Skolnick : I knew that you would love it, Booger.

  Mr. Dawson : Is there gonna be a girlie show?

  Lewis Skolnick : Mr. Dawson, that would be sexist.

  Dudley Dawson : Yeah, we believe it's possible to be entertained without demeaning women.

  Mr. Dawson : That's nice, but personally, I'd prefer a little skin.

  Chip : Hey fellas, I got winners.

  [chuckles] 

  Dudley Dawson : He's got a lot of nerve showing his face around here.

  Mr. Dawson : Temper, temper.

  Lewis Skolnick : Don't worry about it, Booger, we got him under 24 hour surveillance. There's nothing he can do that we don't know about.

  [Lewis and Trevor wink at each other, followed by Lewis and Booger guffawing together] 

• Aaron Humphrey : You mind if I spoke to Chip alone?

  Tippy : Oh, no, certainly. Come, sweetie. Gaylord!

  [Tippy and Jeanie leave the bedroom] 

  Aaron Humphrey : This isn't good, Chip.

  Chip : No.

  Aaron Humphrey : So I'm gonna kill you, Chip. You made a fool out of my daughter!

  Chip : Aaron, I can explain everything.

  Aaron Humphrey : You lied about the illegitimate child, then you tried to frame Booger and you got caught!

  Chip : The illegitimate child will be here tomorrow morning at 10 a.m. She's on route right now from Sandusky, Ohio.

  Aaron Humphrey : There is no illegitimate child! You made it all up!

  Chip : The illegitimate child will be here at 10:00 in the morning!

  Aaron Humphrey : It better be! And you better get my daughter to forgive you, or there's no room for you in this family or at Humphrey Industries, you pervert creep!

• Harold : [talking to Booger on his cell phone]  Hey, I don't know if you're enjoying your wedding, but it's been the best time of my life.

  [chuckles] 

  Lois Humphrey : Nerds, who knew?

  Dudley Dawson : Where are you?

  Harold : I'm over at Lois's.

  Dudley Dawson : Well, it's been special, and thank God it's all going to end this afternoon.

  Chip : [shows up with Heidi]  It's all gonna end right now! I'd like you to meet Heidi Dawson, your daughter.

  [Heidi steps forward, picking her nose] 

• Dudley Dawson : Heidi, where are you going?

  Heidi 'Booger' Dawson : I shouldn't be here.

  Dudley Dawson : Of course, you should be here.

  Heidi 'Booger' Dawson : I'm not really your daughter; Chip got me from an orphanage.

  Dudley Dawson : [suspiciously]  Chip... got you in an orphanage?

  Aaron Humphrey : [Chip scoffs]  You, uh... rented an orphan?

  Chip : Well, it seemed like a good idea at the time.

  [starts crying pathetically] 

  Chip : I've been under a lot of stress lately; I'm sorry.

  Gaylord : [Aaron starts strangling Chip, rejecting his incompetent apology; Gaylord stops Aaron for a moment]  Daddy, don't!

  Everybody : [Gaylord slaps Chip, then kicks him in the groin with the wedding guests in the background chanting as Betty screams]  Betty, don't push!

  Aaron Humphrey : [to Chip]  Get off our land!

  Gaylord : [Chip cringes and starts to run away]  Aren't you forgetting something: the keys to the BMW?

  Aaron Humphrey : Cough 'em up!

  Lewis Skolnick : [with a stethoscope between his teeth]  Okay, honey!

  Chip : [Chip tosses the keys back to Aaron]  You nerds did this to me! But I'll get you... if it's the last thing I do!

  Gaylord : [Chip stumbles over a standing vase as he leaves the estate]  Bye, Chip!

  Chip : Hmph!

  Gaylord : My next husband's going to be a nerd.