Quotes

[Gus on the phone with a bartender]

Gus: Is there a Murray there.

Bartender: [to the patrons] Is there a Murray here?

[Into the phone]

Bartender: I don't think he's here, pal.

Gus: See if there's a waste of fucking life named Murray, try that.

Bartender: [to the patrons] Is there a fucking waste of life named Murray here?

Murray: Gussy? Yeah that's me.

Gus: From now on, the only person who gets to yell is me. Why? Because I have a gun. People with guns get to do whatever they want. Married people without guns - for instance - you - DO NOT get to yell. Why? NO GUNS! No guns, no yelling. See? Simple little equation.

Caroline: I had this dream...

Lloyd: Do we have to do dreams?

Caroline: I'm in this restaurant, and the waiter brings me my entree. It was a salad. It was Lloyd's head on a plate of spinach with his penis sticking out of his ear. And I said, "I didn't order this." And the waiter said, "Oh you must try it, it's a delicacy. But don't eat the penis, it's just garnish."

Dr. Wong: Lloyd, what do you think about the dream?

Lloyd: I think she should stop telling it at dinner parties to all our friends.

Rose: You're a "Wong"?

Gus: Well, my mother was Irish.

Rose: And your father?

Gus: Wasn't.

[Gus is impersonating Dr. Wong]

Gus: You know what, lady? I'd like to tie you to the back of a fucking truck.

Rose: You don't have the balls.

[Gus leaps up from his chair toward Rose and is intercepted by Lloyd]

Lloyd: Don't do it! It's not worth it.

Gus: I fucking hate her, Lloyd!

Lloyd: I know, I know.

Gus: What is the matter with you? I thought Mothers were sweet and nice a-a-and Patient. I know loan sharks who are more forgiving than you. Your husband ain't dead, lady. He's hiding.

Gus: Great, I hijacked my fucking parents.

Lloyd: I suppose you'll use this drama as a reason to have another affair. I feel sorry for the next delivery man that comes to this house!

Gus: I have a gun, it's loaded, shut up.

Gus: Look kid... what I do, running around, stealing stuff, may sound great when you're fourteen years old, but it sucks just a little bit when you're thirty-five. No house. No family. I got a partner who's fifty... he still can't understand why they took "Happy Days" off the air.

Gus: Sit down, Connie.

Connie Chasseur: Excuse me, but I am not one of your patients.

Gus: You're gonna be somebody's patient if you don't get your ass back down in that chair.

John Chasseur: Wow!

Gus: I swear to God, you hit that kid one more time and I will stik that pig's head right up your ass!

Connie Chasseur: Gary, are you gonna let him talk to me like that?

Gary Chasseur: Well, he is a doctor.

Caroline: You're the one who suffocated him with limitations. Our son's a very sensative, creative...

Lloyd: Juvenile delinquent.

Caroline: ...boy. He has the kind of imagination...

Lloyd: That the mafia gives scholarships for.

Gus: Caroline and Loyd, will get the coffee and deserts then we'll be opening presents.

Connie Chasseur: We can't open presents til midnight.

Gus: Why not?

Connie Chasseur: Because it's not Christmas until midnight!

Gus: We'll be changing the rules, a little bit. We are opening the presents now. Not later, now. Why? We're adults, and we can open our presents, WHENEVER WE WANT!

Caroline: He sounded upset.

Gus: He should be. He's going to die a horrible fucking death.

Murray: Gus?

Gus: What?

Murray: When are we gonna open presents?

Gus: Presents? Is that what you said? Presents? We'll open them when we get there. No, in fact, I'll save you the trouble. Your present is a giant fucking canon. And you're gonna crawl in it. Then I'm gonna get 2 pounds of gunpowder and I'm gonna shoot you right out of Jersey! And then I'm gonna drive to Jersey, and pick up all the parts of your body and put them in a plastic bag. Then I'm gonna drive to my house with you in the bag and toss you into the fireplace. I'm gonna get my glass of whiskey and watch the Charlie Brown special with your ashes burning IN MY FUCKING HOUSE! AGH!

Murray: Gus?

Gus: What?

Murray: What's that smell?

Gus: Shut up.

Lloyd: She's my mother.

Gus: She's a fucking Bitch, Lloyd.

Lloyd: You're not supposed to take sides.

Caroline: No, no, no, thank you so much Gus. Finally somebody else sees.

Gus: You'd have to be blind not to see.

Caroline: We had our own restaurant once. An Italian restaurant. Of course, I would have preferred French, but...

Gus: What are we, girlfriends? Do I give a shit about this? No.

Gus: Great. I just beat up Santa Claus.

Gus: [with a gun to Rose's head] All right. Everybody into the den, or I'll shoot her.

Connie Chasseur: Go ahead. Shoot her.

Gus: Shut up! Get in the den!

Boy: Santa doesn't drink champagne. Santa only drinks milk.

George: [quietly] Listen. Santa can't drink no more milk. Santa has a lactose intolerance, and it gives him horrible gas pains. Do you want to see Santa farting down everybody's chimney?

Gus: [noticing John has wrapped half a roll of tape around Connie's mouth] Hey kid, that's enough.

John Chasseur: Are you sure this will hold?

Gus: Jesus! Cat piss!

Connie Chasseur: I'm sorry but I have had it! I have never heard of such a Christmas! Sex... and drugs... an-an-and women being set on fire!

Connie Chasseur: The spirit of Christmas is either you're good or you're punished and you burn in hell.

Gus: [Trying unsuccessfully to get the family to be quiet] Should I just shoot one of you in the foot, would that get the point across?

Gus: [Murray hangs the phone up just as Gus answers] He hung up.

Caroline: Well, he sounded upset.

Gus: He should be. He's going to die a horrible fucking death.

Connie Chasseur: [from downstairs, in a whiny tone] Caroline...

Caroline: Speaking of which.

Lloyd: Mother.

Rose: What?

Lloyd: Is it possible for you to shut the fuck up for five minutes?