Vickie: Laney, sex is the quickest way to ruin a friendship.
Lelaina: He's so cheesy, I can't watch him without crackers.
Vickie: Don't Bogart that can, man...
Troy Dyer: Are you retarded?
Vickie: No, I'm rhyming. It's not easy. Sure I make it look easy...
Vickie: Do you ever wish you were a lesbian? Don't you think it would be so much easier?
Lelaina: Sometimes, but I don't know. I could never go through with it. I'd start laughing or something.
Vickie: That is such a shame because I have had it with men.
Michael Grates: Have I stepped over some line in the sands of coolness with you? Because excuse me if somebody doesn't know the secret handshake with you.
Troy Dyer: There's no secret handshake. There's an IQ prerequisite, but there's no secret handshake.
Lelaina Pierce: I'm not going to work at the Gap for Chrissake!
Troy Dyer: You look like a doily.
Troy Dyer: [answering the phone] Hello, you've reached the winter of our discontent.
Lelaina Pierce: I'd like to somehow make a difference in people's lives.
Troy Dyer: And I... I would like to buy them all a Coke.
Lelaina Pierce: And you wonder why we never got involved?
Vickie: Would the two of you just do it and get it over with? I'm starving!
Vickie: Sometimes I get that not-so-fresh feeling.
Troy Dyer: You can't navigate me. I may do mean things, and I may hurt you, and I may run away without your permission, and you may hate me forever, and I know that scares the living shit outta you 'cause you know I'm the only real thing you got.
Michael Grates: Can you hear me now?
Troy Dyer: Did he dazzle you with his extensive knowledge of mineral water, or was it his in-depth analysis of, uh, uh, Marky Mark that finally reeled you in?
Troy Dyer: This girl is cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.
Vickie: Welcome to the Maxi Pad.
Troy Dyer: He's the reason Cliffs Notes were invented.
Troy Dyer: There's no point to any of this. It's all just a... a random lottery of meaningless tragedy and a series of near escapes. So I take pleasure in the details. You know... a Quarter-Pounder with cheese, those are good, the sky about ten minutes before it starts to rain, the moment where your laughter become a cackle... and I, I sit back and I smoke my Camel Straights and I ride my own melt.
Lelaina Pierce: I have to work around here, and, unfortunately, Troy, you are a master at the art of time suckage.
Lelaina Pierce: Oh, oh is this like a, is this like a pirate operation?
Rock: Do I look like a pirate to you?
Lelaina Pierce: You guys better not be inhaling.
Lelaina: You've been waiting for this since the day we met.
Vickie: Oh, who told you that, Your psychic partner?
Vickie Miner: I'm late for a jean-folding seminar. Let's locomote!
Troy Dyer: Well fuck me for being nice!
Troy Dyer: I'm bursting with fruit flavor.
Troy Dyer: I am not under any orders to make the world a better place.
Lelaina Pierce: Are you religious?
Michael Grates: Um, uh, I guess, uh, I guess I'm, uh, a non-practicing Jew.
Lelaina Pierce: Hey, I'm a non-practicing virgin.
Troy Dyer: I'm picking up some very strange vibes. They're of the I-just-got-laid variety.
Troy Dyer: [On answering machine] At the beep, please leave your name, number, and a brief justification for the ontological necessity of modern man's existential dilemma, and we'll get back to you
Lelaina Pierce: I was really going to be somebody by the time I was 23.
Troy Dyer: Honey, all you have to be by the time you're 23 is yourself.
Lelaina Pierce: I don't know who that is anymore.
Troy Dyer: I do. And we all love her. I love her. She breaks my heart again and again, but I love her.
Vickie: Évian is "naïve" spelled backward.
Lelaina Pierce: All right, fine. You wanna be in a band? Fine. Go ahead. Play every night. Play three times a night! Don't just dick around the same coffee house for five years. Don't dick around with her or with me. I mean, try at something for once in your life. Do something about it, but you know what? You better do it now, and you better do it fast, because the world doesn't owe you any favors.
[assuming the question had no answer at all]
Lelaina: Can you define "irony"?
Troy Dyer: It's when the actual meaning is the complete opposite from the literal meaning.
Charlane McGregor: Why don't you get a job at the Burgerrama? They'll hire you! My Lord, I saw on the TV - they had this little retarded boy working the register.
Lelaina: Because I'm not retarded, Mom. I was the valedictorian of my University!
Wes McGregor: Well you dont have to put that on your application.
Troy Dyer: I was told there'd be no math on this exam.
Vickie: [about Troy] He's weird, he's strange, he's sloppy, he's a total nightmare for women... I can't believe I haven't slept with him yet.
Vickie Miner: You don't understand. Every day, all day, it's all that I think about, OK? Every time I sneeze, it's like I'm four sneezes away from the hospice, and it's like it's not even happening to me. It's like I'm watching it on some crappy show like "Melrose Place" or some shit, right? And I'm the new character, I'm the HIV-AIDS character, and I live in the building and I teach everybody that it's OK to be near me, it's OK to talk to me, and then I die. And there's everybody at my funeral wearing halter tops or chokers or some shit like that.
Lelaina: Vickie stop, OK? Just stop. You're freaking out. And you know what? You're gonna have to deal with the results. Whatever they are, we're gonna have to deal with them just like we've dealt with everything else.
Vickie Miner: This isn't like everything else.
Lelaina: I know that, all right? But it's gonna be OK, you know? I know it's gonna be OK. "Melrose Place" is a really good show.
Lelaina: Welcome to the world of the emtionally mature. Maybe you've seen Michael. He lives here.
Vickie: I truly believe that if we can get two women on the supreme court, we can get at least one on you.
Lelaina: I just don't understand why things just can't go back to normal at the end of the half hour like on the Brady Bunch or something.
Troy Dyer: Well, 'cause Mr. Brady died of AIDS. Things don't turn out like that.
Troy Dyer: I've wanted you like this for all these years.