Quotes

Carmen: You wanna cover Brooklyn, then cover Brooklyn! But let me tell you something, it's a little tough to do from a barstool in Manhattan.

Henry: I realize this doesn't exactly get us off on the right foot.

Paul Bladden, New York Sentinel: The right foot, are you out of your mind? The offer is rescinded. How stupid do you think we are? What do you think I get when I put two and two together? Three? Three and a half?

Henry: Look, I'm trying to be reasonable here, and just let me...

Paul Bladden, New York Sentinel: Why don't you just take my wallet as well?

Henry: Let me talk. Let me say something, wait a m...

Paul Bladden, New York Sentinel: Well, I hope you're satisfied, asshole! You just blew your chance to cover the world!

Henry: Really? Well guess fucking what? I don't really fucking care. You wanna know fucking why? Because I don't fucking live in the fucking world! I live in fucking New York City! So go fuck yourself!

[Henry slams down telephone back on the receiver]

Janet, Henry's Secretary: You handled that well.

Henry: Thank you.

Bernie: Well, you're in management now. If everybody loved you, you'd be doing something wrong.

Martha: Wear a tie for the interview. And promise me you won't torpedo it on purpose, okay?

Henry: Jeez. What are these?

Janet, Henry's Secretary: Subway wreck, West 4th Street this morning. Did you find the one with the...

Henry: Is that an arm?

Janet, Henry's Secretary: Yeah, you found it.

Henry: Sometimes you can just smell a horrendously shitty day on the way, can't you?

Henry: For God's sakes, Alicia. We're not gonna ask some news reporter to wait until after 5:00 to make out-of-state phone calls. It's ridiculous. I'm not gonna do it.

Alicia: Okay, let's let them make free phone sex calls too.

Henry: You mean as a kind of bonus? That's not a bad idea. Why don't you start with Phil?

Bernie: What about something fun? Don't we have anything fun today?

Henry: Nazis marching in New Jersey.

Lou: There you go.

Bernie: Nazis are a barrel of laughs.

Bernie's Doctor: Now don't overreact. If we go after it early, before it metastasizes to a bone, the majority of these prostate cancer cases are beatable.

Bernie: Go after it how?

Bernie's Doctor: Irridation therapy.

Bernie: That's fantastic. That's wonderful, because... as it turns out, that's exactly the portion of my anatomy I'd like to see exposed to radiation.

Bernie's Doctor: You'll have to take an hour or two off work for each treatment. We should start right away. How's next monday?

Bernie: To burn a hole in my ass? Sounds good. Then I still have the weekend.

[pause]

Bernie: Could you possibly be any more humourless about this?

Bernie's Doctor: I don't believe so. No.

Henry: When did you get so paranoid?

Michael McDougal: When they started plotting against me.

[after firing a shot inside Henry's office]

Michael McDougal: Let Marty talk to her husband. Please.

[Martha wants to talk to Henry]

Henry: I've got 64 seconds. What's wrong?

Henry: It's a Marx Brothers movie every time I step in my office.

Lou: Great. "Gotcha" with a slammer.

Anna: Oh yeah, god forbid this paper ever runs anything without an exclamation mark.

Bernie: You got a cop quote?

Henry: A what?

Bernie: Quote. You know, they talk, you write, we print?

Henry: Did McDougal call in?

Janet, Henry's Secretary: No.

Henry: No message at all from McDougal?

Janet, Henry's Secretary: I have no motive for lying, Henry.

Henry: What do you think I'm trying to do?. Look, I got news for you. I'm not locked up in the men's room with a cop because it's a good time. Frankly, I've had better times, okay? I'm here because I think the story is wrong. Is it? Is it? If you have something, give it to me now, but don't stand there and act coy and say "Fuck you", because, quite frankly, it's a waste of all of our time. And you know what? I don't have any more time. I have no more fucking time. I need it fucking today, I need it right now!

Henry: Are you telling me these banker schmucks lost $5 million of the Mob's money?

Martha: Dumb fellas, huh? Unwise guys.

Martha: Henry, listen. Tomorrow is fine. Tomorrow.

Henry: No, today.

Martha: Tomorrow.

Henry: Today. Today. Today. Today.

Martha: Tomorrow! Tomorrow!

Henry: Today, now. Today, now. Today.

Paul Bladden, New York Sentinel: The Sedona item. you stole it right off my desk!

Henry: Uh...

Paul Bladden, New York Sentinel: Uh, uh, uh, my ass!

Henry: I can't stay. I have to put the paper to bed. But what do you say we all get together later and go have some dessert at that... place.

Bernie: I hate columnists! Why do I have all these columnists? I got political columnists, guest columnists... celebrity columnists - The only thing I don't have is a dead columnist. That's the kind I could really use.

Henry: Right. Listen...

Bernie: We reek of opinions. What every columnist at this paper needs to do is to shut the fuck up.

Henry: Don't take the bat out of my hand. It's the ninth inning.

[In prison]

Second Kid: Man, I'm so scared.

First Kid: Don't talk.

Second Kid: Yeah, what am I supposed to do?

First Kid: Stay awake.

Henry: I think we got room for 20 inches on this one. Give me a killer lead. By the way, you got three minutes.

Michael McDougal: I need four.

Henry: Three.

Michael McDougal: I need four.

Henry: Alright, whatever. Just make it fast.

Alicia: People take the Sun with a grain of salt. We'll run yours tomorrow.

Henry: No! Not tomorrow! Right fucking now today!

Marion Sandusky, New York Parking Commissioner: You made my wife cry when she reads the paper.

Michael McDougal: At least she bought it, didn't she?

Martha: Didn't you notice?

Henry: What?

Martha: All the crap. Today I can't even remember it.

Alicia: We taint them today, we make them look good on Saturday. Everybody's happy.

Graham Keighley: [Alicia has followed Graham into the men's restroom; she is met with awkward stares from the men] I'd love it if you weren't here.