Nobody's Fool (1994)
Carl Roebuck: Sixty years old and still getting crushes on other men's wives. I would hope by the time I'm your age, I'm a little smarter than that.
Sully: Can't hurt to hope. You sure are off to a slow start.
Sully: A condemned man has a right to a last request doesn't he? I got my truck out back whaddya say we get in the back get naked and see where it goes from there?
Sully: Haven't you got any pride?
Birdy: Go to jail, Sully, it's where you belong.
Sully: I can't believe it's gonna take you that long to get me out of jail.
Wirf: Don't blame me, I'm a Jew. They're not my holidays.
Sully: A Jew? Really? I didn't know that. How come you ain't smart?
Wirf: How can I start getting you out of jail when you won't go in?
Miss Beryl: Doesn't it bother you that you haven't done more with the life God gave you?
Sully: Not often. Now and then.
Judge Flatt: Ollie, you know my feelings about arming morons: you arm one, you've got to arm them all, otherwise it wouldn't be good sport.
Toby: Oh, you're a man among men, Sully.
Sully: Well, thanks.
Toby: That wasn't a compliment!
Miss Beryl: Do you still bet on that horse race of yours?
Sully: What, the trifecta?
Miss Beryl: Yes. Has it ever come in?
Sully: Not yet.
Miss Beryl: But you still bet on it.
Sully: Well, sure. I mean, the odds have gotta kick in sooner or later.
Miss Beryl: Fine. That's exactly the way I feel about you.
Sully: I should have known better than to hire a one-legged lawyer.
Wirf: You can't afford a two-legged lawyer.
Peter: So if you're not a father to me, how come you're a grandfather to Will?
Sully: 'cause you gotta start someplace.
Peter: Mom's greatest fear is that your life was fun.
Sully: Tell her not to worry.
Miss Beryl: Mr. Sullivan, you're wearing a necktie. Are you in trouble with the law again?
Charlotte: How can you live in a town this size and not see your ex-wife all the time?
Sully: That's easy, dolly. Peter's mom and I don't exactly travel in the same circles. As a matter of fact, Vera pretty much travels in a straight line.
Peter: SOMEBODY in this family had to.
Sully: What's the matter with you?
Wirf: I'm trying to communicate with you telepathically.
Carl Roebuck: Forget about it. The only way to communicate with Sully's to whack him in the head with a shovel.
[as Sully buys raw hamburger]
Peter: You want some buns?
Sully: Dogs don't eat buns.
Peter: You're buying ground beef for your dog?
Sully: I don't own a dog.
Peter: Oh, God. I don't believe this. I'm a member of Greenpeace and I just helped poison a dog.
Sully: Well for one thing, it ain't poison. For another, you didn't help much.
Toby: Did you come to steal our new snowblower?
Sully: I've already done it, just about.
Toby: I could legally shoot you, you know.
Sully: Not unless I'm breaking and entering
Toby: ARE you gonna break and enter?
Sully: What's happening with Dummy?
Toby: I don't know. He took my threat to shoot him a lot more seriously than you just did.
Sully: Poor guy just had a bypass. Maybe he's trying to cram everything he can do into six months. When he realizes he's going to live until he's seventy, he'll slow down.
Toby: If I had my way, he wouldn't live to Thanksgiving.
Toby: Go ahead, steal our snowblower. You're the slowest goddamn thief that I ever saw.
Peter: It's not gonna be easy being you, is it?
Sully: Don't expect much from yourself in the beginning. I couldn't do everything at first, either.
[Wirf and Sully bet on the People's Court]
Sully: Okay, Shyster, who do you like?
Wirf: The plaintiff. It's a lock.
Sully: I'll take the defendant.
Birdy: You weren't even here for the stories.
Sully: Yeah, but I know my lawyer.
Wirf: Sooner or later we'll wear the bastards down. The court is already starting to get pissed. You heard the judge.
Sully: He's pissed at you, Wirf!
Wirf: Only because he knows I won't go away.
Sully: I know how he feels.
Sully: Boy, a guy goes to jail for a couple of days and the whole town goes to hell!
Sully: You ain't naked or anything, are ya?
Toby: No, but I can be in about 2 seconds.
Sully: Well, take your time. I need a cup of coffee.
Sully: Ace Towing? Sullivan. I'm just around the corner. 313 Harvin. Pick me up. Charge it. Tip Top Construction Company. Thanks.
[hangs up phone]
Sully: Horace?... .
Horace Yaney: Hi, Sully. I ain't naked either.
Sully: Thank God for that!
Sully: Go home, you jerk. You're married to the best-looking woman in Bath.
Carl Roebuck: Who was it that said, "A man's reach should exceed his grasp?"
Sully: [about Toby] Don't tell me she's pregnant.
Carl Roebuck: Knocked up like a cheerleader. Eh, I suppose now you're going to want to be godfather.
Sully: Hey... . I can't be the father and the godfather. You got to goddamn do something.
Wirf: You'd keep my leg, wouldn't you?
Sully: You don't need a leg, you need a parrot.
Clive Peoples Jr.: We've been through this before. A landlord has -
Sully: You are not my landlord!
Clive Peoples Jr.: My mother is -
Sully: The only reason I don't kick your ass. If you don't get out of here right now, I may change my mind.
Rub Squeers: Can I borrow a dollar?
Sully: Nope. You can borrow a jelly doughnut, though.
Rub Squeers: You can't borrow a jelly doughnut. Once you eat it, it's gone.
Sully: Once you borrow a dollar, it's gone. I'd rather buy you a jelly doughnut.
Sully: Hang in there.
Toby: 'Hang in there'? Is that the sum of your wisdom on the subject?
Sully: That's the sum of my wisdom on most subjects.
Miss Beryl: Mr. Sullivan.
[banging on ceiling]
Miss Beryl: Mr. Sullivan. God just took out Mrs. Gruber's bird bath!
Miss Beryl: [to her husband's picture] He's getting closer Clive. Last year it was the street light at the end of the block, now it's Mrs. Gruber's bird bath. I think God's zeroing in on me. I have the feeling this is the year he lowers the boom.
Sully: [quoting] Beware the chains we forge in life.
Miss Beryl: I don't suppose you remember who said that?
Sully: *You* did Miss Beryl, all through 8th grade.
Carl Roebuck: You think I got where I got by doing shoddy work?
Sully: No, you didn't get where you are by doing shoddy work. You didn't get where you are by doing *any* work.
Wacker Sullivan: Who are you?
Peter: He's your grandfather.
Wacker Sullivan: Does he always look like that?
Sully: Yeah, most of the time.
Sully: Which one of your fancy doctors advised you to drink, smoke, and screw your brains out
Carl Roebuck: Those are unreasonable requests Sully. They wouldn't of made 'em if they didn't know me.
Sully: If they'd known ya, they wouldn't have fixed ya.
Officer Raymer: It's $15 dollars. You can mail it in, or you can come by the station. If it's not paid within 30 days, you'll be held in contempt.
Sully: Boy, I hope you get laid sometime soon.
Peter: Tell me again this is your own snow blower we're stealing.
Sully: I knew your mother was gonna raise you like this.
Sully: I suppose you're gonna be saying the same thing about me when I'm gone.
Peter: You *were* gone dad. I already said it...
Judge Flatt: Now is it true that you discharged your weapon, Officer?
Officer Raymer: Your Honor, it was a warning shoot.
Judge Flatt: Um hmm, you know who you warned? A little old lady sitting on her commode 2 blocks away.
Ollie Quinn: Officer Raymer is currently under suspension.
Judge Flatt: Anesthesia is what he should be under.