Frank Drebin: Like a blind man at an orgy, I was going to have to feel things out.
Frank Drebin: Like a midget at a urinal, I was going to have to stay on my toes.
[Frank Drebin is stopped at the entrance to the Oscars]
Frank Drebin: Sergeant Frank Drebin, Detective Lieutenant, Police Squad.
Guard: Yeah, and I'm Robert De Niro.
Frank Drebin: Mr. De Niro, we've got to get inside.
Tyrone: You just watch your step, McGurke. This place here changes a man.
Frank Drebin: Yeah? In what way?
Tyrone: I used to be white. I was the drummer for the Osmonds.
Rocko Dillon: Screw around with me, and Tyrone here will make you feel pain that you'd never belive.
Frank Drebin: Yeah, I remember the Osmonds.
Tanya Peters: You're all man. I like that in my men.
Frank Drebin: You're coming on to me big time, sister. You're preying on me like a kitten with a fresh mouse. And we got a problem.
Tanya Peters: You're Jewish?
Frank Drebin: No. You're Rocko's girl, and in my book that chapter's called "look but don't touch."
Tanya Peters: I could have two lovers.
Frank Drebin: Kinky. But I like my sex the way I play basketball, one on one with as little dribbling as possible.
Jane Spencer: [at marriage counselling] You came highly recommended by our last therapist.
Dr. Stuart Eisendrath: Yes, I was sorry to hear about his suicide.
Dr. Kohlzak: [at a Sperm Bank and Fertility Clinic, unbeknownst to Frank, who's faking an old football injury] When did you first notice the problem?
Frank Drebin: In the backyard, with my uncle.
Dr. Kohlzak: In the backyard... with your uncle?
Frank Drebin: Yes, when he comes over we like to go out in the backyard and throw it around for a while.
Dr. Kohlzak: And what did you and your uncle find out?
Frank Drebin: Oh, I can't keep up with him, mine hurt especially on the long ones. I can't seem to straighten it out, it has no feeling, it's... it's kind of numb. I may have yanked it too much, maybe.
Dr. Kohlzak: [hands him a cup and opens a door to another room] If you would.
Frank Drebin: For what?
Dr. Kohlzak: A sperm count.
Frank Drebin: In here?
Dr. Kohlzak: Well, it's not exactly the backyard, but it'll do.
Ed Hocken: There's only one way to find out where Rocco's gonna strike next. We're gonna hafta send someone into Statesville Prison.
Frank Drebin: I'll do it.
Ed Hocken: Frank, I couldn't. I wouldn't feel right about that. If Rocco finds out you're a cop, you might end up dead!
Frank Drebin: You might end up dead is my middle name.
Ed Hocken: What about Jane?
Frank Drebin: I don't know her middle name. But, Ed, I need the action. I'm going inside the big house.
Ed Hocken: We heard about you and Jane.
Frank Drebin: Jane, Jane. That name will always remind me of her.
[Frank and Jane approach the first cab with an Arabic driver]
Frank Drebin: Does that radio work?
Cabbie: [replies in Arabic]
[they move to a second cab with a Jamaican driver]
Frank Drebin: Call Police Squad! Tell 'em Frank Drebin says...
Cabbie: [replies in Jamaican]
[they move to a third cab with an African driver]
Frank Drebin: Forget it.
[they immediately leave]
Cabbie: [British accent] I wonder what the devil he wanted!
Frank Drebin: Well... We shot a lot of people together. It's been great. But today I retire, so if I do any shooting now, it'll have to be within the confines of my own home. Hopefully, an intruder and not an in-law, like at my bachelor party.
[in the prison cafeteria]
Frank Drebin: Hey! You call this slop? Real slop has got chunks of things in it! This is more like gruel! And this Château le Blanc '68 is supposed to be served slightly chilled! This is room temperature! What do you think we are? Animals?
Frank Drebin: What are we?
[the entire hall is silent]
Mess Hall Convict: Homo sapiens?
Frank Drebin: You're right! We're men! We are men!
Frank Drebin, Convicts: [all chant] WE ARE MEN! WE ARE MEN! WE ARE MEN!
Director: [slightly irked after Frank, undercover as Phil Donahue, throws up in a tuba] Someone make a note. I don't think we should have Phil Donahue back next year.
Frank Drebin: They're going to blow that place sky high. It'll be a tragedy. Unless it's during a dance number.
Papshmir: [to Rocco] You are supposed to be the world's foremost terrorist bomber. Airlines, government buildings...
Muriel Dillon: The devastation in South Florida.
Papshmir: That was Hurricane Andrew.
Muriel Dillon: That's what they told the public.
Rocco Dillon: [fires a gun over the heads of the audience] Freeze, and nobody gets hurt!
[a grip falls from the rafters into the orchestra]
Rocco Dillon: Well, from now on!
Tanya Peters: What are you doing?
Frank Drebin: Oh! I was, uh, just conjugating my next move.
Tanya Peters: Your bishop's exposed.
Frank Drebin: It's these pants.
[Jane catches Frank kissing Tanya]
Jane Spencer: How could you!
Tanya Peters: Well, you just shove your tongue as far down his throat as you can.
Frank Drebin: Mrs. Dillon, your son is a ruthless, cold-blooded, sadistic animal. You must be proud of him.
Muriel Dillon: I am.
Muriel Dillon: How's my little boy? Getting along OK, sweetie?
Rocco Dillon: As well as a heterosexual can in prison. I don't know how much longer I can take it. How's Tanya?
Muriel Dillon: Tanya's the same. Milky, creamy skin, pouting red lips, firm buttocks, ample breasts, ears you want to stick your tongue into.
Rocco Dillon: Ma, please. I'm gonna get guy cramps if you keep this up.
Frank Drebin: Cheer up, Ed. This is not goodbye. It's just I won't ever see you again.
Ed Hocken: You haven't shot anybody in six months.
Frank Drebin: That's true. Funny how you miss the little things.
[Big Con drops a bar of soap in the prison shower room]
Big Hairy Con: Bend over and pick it up for me, would you lover?
Frank Drebin: Sure. No problem.
[Bends over. His towel falls off, revealing cast iron underwear]
Frank Drebin: Jane...
Jane Spencer: Frank, are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Frank Drebin: Yes! Florence Henderson's gonna win it, and it's about time.
Jane Spencer: No! The bomb is in one of those envelopes!
Frank Drebin: You're right!
Jane Spencer: Now I know why Ed's been calling every half hour. You've been back on a case, haven't you?
Frank Drebin: No, no, I swear, it's another woman.
Jane Spencer: In your wildest dreams.
Dr. Stuart Eisendrath: You know, I feel it's important to get off on the right foot and not get caught up in blame. Now, which one of you is impotent?
Jane Spencer: Uh, that would be him.
Frank Drebin: Why don't you ask who's frigid?
Jane Spencer: Uh, that would be him also.
Frank Drebin: Uh, Raquel, just a second, I just had a thought. This show is being seen all over the world. I was thinking, if we could all just send good thoughts, transmit them through these cameras here, to the elected leader of China, Wing Wa Woo Tong, so that they might finally be nice. Thank you.
Raquel Welch: And the winner is...
Frank Drebin: Uh Raquel, so many go to bed hungry in this nation, yet cat food is full of tuna! I can't help but think each time I go to the zoo and see those porpoises, crammed into those tiny tanks, what a waste that is. Butcher half of them now! That's hundreds of pounds of dolphin meat that can be fed to our cats, freeing up that tuna for our nation's hungry.
[few people clap]
Raquel Welch: And the winner is...
Frank Drebin: Uh, so many are cold, shivering in the night, so I say, butcher those cats, skin them! Use their fur to keep hundreds warm!
Raquel Welch: [shocked] Jesus, Phil!
Frank Drebin: [before Jane leaves] Look, baby. I am what I am, and I do what I do. A few guys make shoelaces, some lay sod, others make a very good living neutering animals. I'm a cop!
[during prison riot]
Rocco Dillon: I've been watching you McGurke. You handle yourself really good.
Frank Drebin: Really well.
Rocco Dillon: Whatever.