The Mask (1994)
[after being shot]
Mask: Hold me closer, Ed, it's getting dark.
Mask: Tell Auntie Em to let Old Yeller out.
Mask: Tell Tiny Tim I won't be coming home this Christmas
Mask: Tell Scarlett I do give a damn.
[coughs in Orlando's face, raspberries, then farts]
Mask: Pardon me.
[he dies, the Peanut Gallery appears and applauds while The Mask is handed an acting award]
Mask: Thank you, you love me, you really love me!
The Mask: [to Tina] Kiss me, my dear, and I will reveal my croissant. I will spread your pate. I will dip my ladle in your vichyssoise.
[Tina kicks him and scampers away]
The Mask: [squeaky voice] She is so coy.
The Mask: I love it!
The Mask: [standing in front of a mirror, in the process of going out to a club] It's party time. P, A, R, T. Y? Because I gotta!
Lieutenant Mitch Kellaway: Ipkiss! Police! Freeze!
[the Mask freezes in mid-air]
Lieutenant Mitch Kellaway: Put your hands up.
The Mask: [his teeth are frozen together] But you told me to freeze!
Lieutenant Mitch Kellaway: All right, all right. Un-freeze.
[the Mask un-freezes and falls to the ground]
Lieutenant Mitch Kellaway: You're under arrest.
[pulls out his cuffs]
The Mask: No! It wasn't me! It was the One-Armed Man!
The Mask: All right, I confess! I did it, ya hear? And I'm glad! GLAD, I TELL YA!
[gets down on his knees and puts his hands up together]
The Mask: What are they gonna do to me, Sarge? WHAT ARE THEY GONNA DO?
Lieutenant Mitch Kellaway: [puts the cuffs on The Mask's wrists] Sorry, son. That's not my department. Search him.
The Mask: [the cops bring The Mask to his feet] Ow! Where's a cam-corder when you need one?
[snorts in laughter, Kellaway nods as if to say "touché"]
Doyle: Really big sunglasses.
Park Policeman: Bike horn.
Doyle: Small mouth bass
Park Policeman: Bowling Pin
Doyle: [Yells in pain] Mouse Trap.
Park Policeman: Rubber Chicken.
Mask: A little to the left... that's it.
Doyle: [squeezes a stress releaver toy a few times] mmmm, I don't know. Funny eyeball glasses?
Mask: I've never seen those before in my life.
Park Policeman: Bazooka?
Mask: I have a permit for that.
Doyle: [going through The Mask's pocket] Picture of Kellaway's wife.
Lieutenant Mitch Kellaway: What?
Lieutenant Mitch Kellaway: Margaret!
Mask: Geez I thought you would have a sense of humor. After all - you married her!
[slaps both Kellaway and Doyle in the face repeatedly]
Mask: That's gotta hurt.
Lieutenant Mitch Kellaway: Get'em!
[looks down to see his and Doyles wristes are handcuffed to eachother]
Lieutenant Mitch Kellaway: Doyle!
The Mask: Our love is like a red, red rose... and I am a little thorny.
[in a thick French accent]
The Mask: Hello, Cherie. We meet again. Is it fate? Is it meant to be? Is it written in the stars that we are destined to fraternize?
The Mask: I'd like to think so. Ha, ha ha!
Dorian Tyrell: Okay, Twinkle Toes. I want to know where my money is, and I want to know right now.
The Mask: Okay
[sits on stool and takes out an adding machine]
The Mask: You've got 17.5% in T-bills amortized over the fiscal year, 8% in stocks and bonds. Carry the 9, divide by the Gross National Product... fortunately, funeral bouquets are deductible.
Dorian Tyrell: [to henchman] Ice this deadbeat!
[the Mask pulls out his guns and aims them at Dorian's henchman]
The Mask: [In Clint Eastwood voice] You gotta ask yourself one question. "Do I feel lucky?" Well, do ya? Punks!
[a bomb has just exploded inside The Mask, leading to a fiery belch]
Mask: [With Italian accent] THAT'S A SPICY MEATBALL!
Alley Punk #1: Hey, mister! You got the time?
The Mask: As a matter of fact I do, Cubby.
[pulls out a wind up alarm clock]
The Mask: LOOK AT THAT! It's exactly two seconds before I honk your nose and pull your underwear over your head!
Mask: Hold on, Sugar! Daddy's got a sweet tooth tonight!
Stanley Ipkiss: [to get his dog to steal the keys from the sleeping guard] No Milo, not the *cheese*... The *keys*!
[Pulls out a condom in front of a bunch of thugs]
The Mask: Sorry, wrong pocket.
Lieutenant Mitch Kellaway: Somebody STOLE your pajamas?
Stanley Ipkiss: [seeing Milo jump at the closet door where the stolen money is] Milo, no! I mean, uh, what is this world coming to when a man's... *pajama drawer* is no longer safe?
Stanley Ipkiss: [on a bridge with Tina, holding the mask in his hand] You sure you're not gonna miss this guy? Once he's gone, all that's left is me.
[Without a word, Tina takes it from him and throws it into the water, then grabs and kisses him. Meanwhile, Charlie, watching them, gets out of the car and rushes over to the edge of the bridge to look for the mask. It's floating in the water, so he climbs over the railing and jumps in... ]
Charlie Schumacher: [seeing Milo swimming off with the mask] MILO!
Stanley Ipkiss: [a wide grin on his face] SSSMOKIN'!
[He grabs Tina and kisses her... ]
Mrs. Peenman: Ipkiss, do you have any idea what time it is?
Stanley Ipkiss: Actually, no.
Mrs. Peenman: [spots his wet feet on her carpet] My new carpet! Well, this is coming right out of your security deposit, Ipkiss!
Stanley Ipkiss: You know, Mrs. Peenman...
Mrs. Peenman: What?
Stanley Ipkiss: [dejectedly] Nothing.
Mrs. Peenman: Well, that's what you are, Ipkiss, a big nothing!
Stanley Ipkiss: [after Mrs. Peenman slams her door] Aren't you due back at the lab to have your bolts tightened?
The Mask: [to Dorian, with Eddie G. Robinson's voice] You were good, kid, real good. But as long as I'm around, you'll always be second best, see?
Stanley Ipkiss: It's a power tie. It's supposed to make you feel powerful.
Tina Carlyle: Does it work?
Stanley Ipkiss: [knowing it doesn't work, tries changing the subject] Now, uh, how about that account? We have...
[nervously jams a pen in the pencil sharpener, making a loud grinding noise]
Stanley Ipkiss: checking, savings and checking, CDs, savings and CDs, checking and CDs, savings, checking, and CDs, T-bills, or we can just take all your money and throw it in a big mattress back there.
Mr. Dickey: Ipkiss, we have a crisis on our hands here and you stroll in over an hour late? If I have to put up with your slovenly behavior...
Stanley Ipkiss: BACK OFF, Monkey Boy, before I tell your daddy you're running this place like it's your own personal piggy bank. Or maybe we should call the IRS, and see if we can arrange a little vacation for you at Club FED!
Mr. Dickey: [shocked from being told off by his employee] That'll be all, Ipkiss.
[Thugs shoot at the Mask]
The Mask: Did you miss me?
[Takes a drink, and the liquid pours out through holes in his body]
The Mask: I GUESS NOT!
Charlie Schumacher: [referring to Tina] A girl like that is always looking for the BBD: Bigger Better Deal.
Stanley Ipkiss: You don't know that, Charlie. She's an artist. She's... she's sensitive.
Charlie Schumacher: Stanley, forget her. That girl will tear your heart out, put it in a blender and hit "frappe." You don't need her, man. You need somebody a little more down to earth. Somebody with some integrity. Somebody with
Charlie Schumacher: red hair and full pouty lips, a white blouse, a green jacket and a name tag.
Stanley Ipkiss: Boy, you really narrowed it down.
Dr. Arthur Neuman: We all wear masks... metaphorically speaking.
The Mask: [Flattened from landing on the street] Look Ma, I'm roadkill!
Mask: You were good kid, real good. But as long as I'm around, you'll always be second best, see?
Peggy Brandt: Do you know how hard it is to find a decent man in this town? Most of them think monogamy is some kind of wood.
Eddy: The money better be here, Ipkiss. Or you're gonna "Ipkiss" your ass goodbye.
Dorian\Mask: Ladies and Gentlemen, I will be your host for the remainder of the evening.
Maggie: Stanley, you are the nicest guy. Really, you are.
Stanley Ipkiss: Yeah?
Maggie: Charlie, isn't Stanley the nicest guy?
Charlie Schumacher: The best.
[Maggie walks off]
Charlie Schumacher: That was THE most sickening display I've ever seen.
Stanley Ipkiss: I disagree. I think I'm wearing her down.
Irv: [taking out car part] Hey, Burt, what the hell is this?
Burt: Oh, I don't know, about seven hundred bucks, Irv?
Stanley Ipkiss: [imitating Dr. Neuman] That's correct, Wendy. We all wear masks, metaphorically speaking.
[Stanley laughs, puts on mask, it starts to suck on his face and he pulls it off]
Stanley Ipkiss: [bewildered] Yeah, right.
Lieutenant Mitch Kellaway: Ipkiss? Stanley Ipkiss?
Stanley Ipkiss: Yes?
Lieutenant Mitch Kellaway: Lt. Kellaway, city precinct. You know anything about the disturbance last night?
Stanley Ipkiss: Dis... turbance?
Lieutenant Mitch Kellaway: Yeah, some kind of prowler broke in and attacked Mrs. Peenman.
Stanley Ipkiss: Attacked?
Lieutenant Mitch Kellaway: You didn't hear anything? She unloaded a couple of rounds of buckshot 5 feet from your door.
[Stanley sees Mrs. Peenman complaining about big hole in floor]
Stanley Ipkiss: This is... impossible.
Lieutenant Mitch Kellaway: Those pajamas are impossible. This actually happened.
Stanley Ipkiss: See, I have an inner ear problem. Sometimes I can't hear anything.
Lieutenant Mitch Kellaway: Is that a fact?
Stanley Ipkiss: Eh?
Lieutenant Mitch Kellaway: Here's my card. If you remember anything unusual about last night, anything at all, call me.
Stanley Ipkiss: You betcha. Thank you. And good luck... cracking the case.
Peggy Brandt: I'm with the Evening Star. Can you tell me what happened here?
Lieutenant Mitch Kellaway: No, and you can quote me.
Peggy Brandt: Well, it looks like some sort of Mob tactic.
Lieutenant Mitch Kellaway: There it is, boys, she broke the case. Come on, get these rubbernecks out of here.
Bobby the Bouncer: Uh, are you on the list?
The Mask: Noooo. But I believe my friends are. Perhaps you know them.
[He takes fistfuls of high denomination cash out of his pocket]
The Mask: Franklin, Grant, and... Jackson?
[Tyrell and Ipkiss are fighting at the club]
Dorian Tyrell: I'm gonna take you apart.
Stanley Ipkiss: Well, I hope you can enjoy the victory with one freakin' eye!
[Ipkiss pokes Tyrell in the eye]
Mayor Mitchell Tilton: I want to see you in my office first thing tomorrow morning.
Lieutenant Mitch Kellaway: Yes, your honor.
Doyle: That doesn't sound good at all.
Lieutenant Mitch Kellaway: [Sarcastically] No, it doesn't sound good. What would sound good to you?
Lieutenant Mitch Kellaway: SHUT UP!
Mask: [about to attack the mechanics who cheated him earlier] Hold on to your lugnuts, it's tiiiiime for an overhaul!
Dorian Tyrell: [to a wounded Freeze] What happened?
Freeze: Someone hit the joint before we could.
Dorian Tyrell: [Places a cigarette in Freeze's mouth] Here, suck on that.
[Tries to light his lighter, but Freeze dies and the cigarette falls out of his mouth]
Dorian Tyrell: [looking angrilly]
[Throws the cigarette lighter across the bar room where it crashes and breaks something]
Mask: [after falling out an apartment window, the Mask pulls his head out of the ground and faces the camera] Look, Ma! I'm road kill! Ha, ha, ha!
The Mask: Can't make the scene if you don't have the green.
Mr. Dickey: IPKISS! You're 40 minutes late. Now that's the same as stealing!
Charlie Schumacher: [after Stanley snaps at Dickey] Genius. That was genius. Buddy, I have chills! What side of whose bed did you wake up on, man?
Lieutenant Mitch Kellaway: [On Stanley's mismatched pajamas] There can't be two idiots with pajamas like these.
Dorian\Mask: This party's over
[bends down to time bomb]
Dorian\Mask: in 10 minutes.
[starts time bomb]
Stanley Ipkiss: [looking wistfully at the newspaper clipping of Tina] Stupid. She would never...
[He turns and sees the mask lying on the sofa. Slowly, he walks over to it and holds it... ]
Stanley Ipkiss: [throwing it over the sofa] No way.
[Walks away, stops, then jumps back over the sofa and puts it on]
Charlie Schumacher: The Coco Bongo Club. Hottest new joint in town. Only the creme de la creme need apply.
Stanley Ipkiss: So how do we get in?
Stanley Ipkiss: I'm here for the Civic.
Irv: The brake drums are shot and you need a new transmission.
Stanley Ipkiss: What? All I wanted was an oil change!
Burt: Well, you're lucky we caught these problems now before they cause you some serious trouble.
Stanley Ipkiss: [Being lifted by bodyguards] You put me down, or I am never coming back here!
[They drop him on the ground painfully]
Stanley Ipkiss: [Weak with pain] Thanks.
Charlie Schumacher: [after Mr. Dickey leaves] Gee, I wish MY daddy owned a bank. Then I could be a rich little creep too.
Peggy Brandt: Hi, I'm Peggy Brandt from the Tribune.
Stanley Ipkiss: Oh, hi. Look, I cancelled my subscription because they kept stealing my paper from the...
Peggy Brandt: Oh, no, actually, I just want to ask you a few questions.
Stanley Ipkiss: Really? About what?
Peggy Brandt: Ripley Auto Finishing. You're a customer of theirs, aren't you?
Stanley Ipkiss: Me? No. I don't even have a car. You know, 'cause they pollute.
Peggy Brandt: You don't own an '89 Civic?
Stanley Ipkiss: Oh, that car, yeah. Yeah. It's all coming back to me.
Lieutenant Mitch Kellaway: Drop it, Tyrell!
Dorian Tyrell: Hey, Kellaway!
Lieutenant Mitch Kellaway: Drop it!
Dorian Tyrell: A'right.
Dorian Tyrell: So, you got a warrant this time? Or'd you just stop by for a nightcap?
Lieutenant Mitch Kellaway: What I got is probable cause. A couple of your boys was spotted knocking over Edge City Bank.
Dorian Tyrell: [to Doyle] Easy, junior, you're giving me a Woody.
Lieutenant Mitch Kellaway: And one of 'em was wearing a big green mask.
Dorian Tyrell: You know, for once, Kellaway, you're right. Except it wasn't one of my boys. Maybe if you tried a little actual police work...
Lieutenant Mitch Kellaway: [to policemen] Cuff 'em.
Police Officer: Hey, lieutenant, we got a stiff upstairs. It's one of the guys from the heist.
Lieutenant Mitch Kellaway: Better call that high-priced lawyer of yours, Tyrell. You and I are going downtown for a little chat. Get him out of here!
Lieutenant Mitch Kellaway: [Spots a piece of Stanley's pajamas on floor] Ipkiss!
Stanley Ipkiss: [to Kellaway] Hi, lieutenant. Listen, this isn't the best time right now for a...
Stanley Ipkiss: Won't you come in?
Dorian Tyrell: 50 grand. 50 grand to the man who finds that green-faced son of a bitch before the cops do. I want you to get the word out to every street hustler, to every lowlife in this town, you understand? I want him here tomorrow, alive.
The Mask: And now, like Napoleon, I will divide and conquer.
[about to kiss Tina]
Lieutenant Mitch Kellaway: Ipkiss! Police!
The Mask: Merde.
Dr. Arthur Neuman: [Reffering to the mask, which Stanley brought in] I'm talking about the mythology, Mr. Ipkiss. This is a piece of wood.
Dorian Tyrell: Stanley! Tell me. How's this mask work?
Stanley Ipkiss: I don't know. You just put it on.
[Dorian is about to put on the mask]
Eddy: Boss! You better be carefull, huh?
[Dorian puts on the mask and transforms himself into The Mask]
Dorian Tyrell: [now in deepend voice] What a rush!
Eddy: Wow, boss! You're okay?
Dorian Tyrell: Better than ever, you idiot.
Eddy: What do we do with Ipkiss?
Dorian Tyrell: The police are looking for The Mask. So, we'll give them The Mask.
Stanley Ipkiss: [explaining how The Mask works] It's like it brings your innermost desires to life. If deep down you're a little repressed, and a hopeless romantic, you become some kind of love-crazy wild man.
Tina Carlyle: And if you're someone like Dorian?
Stanley Ipkiss: Then we're all in big trouble.
Tina Carlyle: Stanley? Are you all right?
Stanley Ipkiss: Yeah. I've, never been better, really. Just... Just catching some air out here.
[Valet drives up with his car: a loaner Studebaker]
Parking Valet: Your car, sir.
Stanley Ipkiss: [chuckles to Tina] That's not my car.
Parking Valet: It matches the ticket.
Stanley Ipkiss: All right... I'll take it. But I am VERY angry. You believe this? You drive in in a Porsche...
Freeze: I do have one question.
Dorian Tyrell: Which is?
Freeze: What does Niko have to say about this?
Dorian Tyrell: Nothin'... this ain't his grift.
Freeze: Get real man, everything is his grift. He owns you, he owns this... club he owns this whole stink' town.
Dorian Tyrell: Things change
[takes drag on cigarette]
Freeze: You mess with Niko you end up takin' a dirt nap.
Stanley Ipkiss: [Tina's being chased by one of Dorian's henchmen] Hey, guard, there's a woman being chased in the alley there.
Guard: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Keep it down.
Stanley Ipkiss: C'mon, MAN! SERVE AND PROTECT!
Tina Carlyle: Thanks.
Stanley Ipkiss: For what?
Tina Carlyle: Lots of things. Sharing the sunset with me. For being the only guy whose ever treated me like a person and not some sort of party favor. For being any kind of romantic. Even a hopeless one.
Stanley Ipkiss: You're welcome.
Tina Carlyle: You know that night at the club? I knew I'd found someone special.
Stanley Ipkiss: [rolls his eyes] The Mask.
Tina Carlyle: No, it was the guy inside the mask. It was you all along. You, Stanley Ip... kiss.
[they go to kiss when the guard interrupts them]
Niko's Golf Game: [Niko hits a golf ball, it lands in a virtual reality golf game screen] 120 yards.
[Dorian enters with 2 of Niko's men on each side]
Niko: Hello, Dorian. Thanks for dropping by.
Dorian Tyrell: Well, next time why don't you call, all right? Leave the delivery boys at home.
[Niko grins at the thugs evilly and nods. They force Dorian to the floor, and Niko laughs as they do. One of them points a gun at Dorian and the other places a wooden tee in Dorian's mouth. He spits the tee out. The man with the gun cocks the hammer and holds the gun to Dorian's head. The other man then places another tee in Dorian's mouth and puts a golf ball on it]
Niko: [swings club slowly around Dorian's face] The cops, ah... tried to shut the club down this morning. They say you've been using the place to run your own small-time scams. I hear things like that, and I start losing my concentration. And my game, it goes straight to HELL!
[pulls the club back for swing]
Niko: You could, too.
[swings and hits the ball]
Dorian Tyrell: [cries out in pain] Ahh!
Niko's Golf Game: 205 yards.
Niko: I'm fed up with you, Dorian. But I'm gonna cut you a break. One week to get out of town.
[brushing Dorian's cheek with the club. Dorian smacks it away]
Niko: After that, I'll use your empty little skull to break in my new 9-iron.
[the two thugs lift Dorian up roughly and escort him out of office]
Stanley Ipkiss: [opens the door] Hi, Lieutenant. This isn't a good time right now, so...
Stanley Ipkiss: Won't you come in?
Lieutenant Mitch Kellaway: Where were you last night, Ipkiss?
Stanley Ipkiss: Here, mostly. Is something wrong?
Lieutenant Mitch Kellaway: What do you know about this Mask character?
Stanley Ipkiss: [chuckles] Mask?
Lieutenant Mitch Kellaway: Don't insult my intelligence, Ipkiss. He robs the bank you work in and then I find this in the Coco Bongo.
[shows Stanley a piece of his pajamas]
Lieutenant Mitch Kellaway: There can't be 2 idiots with pajamas like these.
[Milo is trying to open the door to the closet where the money is stashed away]
Stanley Ipkiss: Milo, no!
Lieutenant Mitch Kellaway: May I see those pajamas, Mr. Ipkiss?
Stanley Ipkiss: Those, uh, those pajamas were, uh... stolen.
Lieutenant Mitch Kellaway: Somebody stole your pajamas?
Stanley Ipkiss: [grabs Milo] Yeah. I mean, what is the city coming to when a man's pajama drawer is no longer safe?
[after Stanley defeats Dorian, Charlie runs in with police reinforcements]
Charlie Schumacher: Officers, arrest those men! I always wanted to say that.
Mrs. Peenman: [banging on his door] Ipkiss, turn down those cartoons!
Stanley Ipkiss: All right, Mrs. PeenMAN!
Doyle: You got any pickle relish?
Lieutenant Mitch Kellaway: Doyle, get in the car.
Doyle: But I ordered onion rings.
Lieutenant Mitch Kellaway: Doyle!
Tina Carlyle: [about Dorian, with the mask] He's going to the charity ball tonight. He's gonna do something terrible.
Stanley Ipkiss: Like what, the Lambada?
[Kellaway and Doyle climb over the park wall, to find the Mask leading a big dance number; Doyle tries to join in]
Lieutenant Mitch Kellaway: [Grabbing Doyle by the arm] Start dancing, and I'll blow your brains out!
Peggy Brandt: [as Dorian's henchmen drag Stanley to a newpaper printing machine] You said you wouldn't hurt him!
Dorian Tyrell: I lied.
Bobby the Bouncer: [Stanley tries to catch up with Charlie at the club] You crossed the rope. NEVER cross the rope.
Stanley Ipkiss: Milo stay here. Looks like Daddy's gotta go kick some butt.
Lieutenant Mitch Kellaway: [Sternly] *Doyle*